wish

Italy, evening

I wish to be covered by love in the new year.

Iron man

Italy, night

and this is a cool movie. It even made me feel in a better mood than before. I am not too much into Hollywood movies, too technological...but this is cool! and there is also Jeff Bridges in there!

orange, violet and bluet

Italy, evening

I left home this afternoon just to go to get a massage. My stomach is still upset and my throat is not that happy yet. In my mind (and on my agenda) the massage was at 4.30pm, so I left home around 4pm to walk there. At 4.20pm my cellphone rang. It was the person who was suppose to give me the massage at.........4pm...........end of the story. I didn't get the massage and my back/shoulders/neck still bother me. I got an appointment tomorrow.

This just to give an idea of my status of mind. My brain is "in pappa" as a friend of mine was used to say to me (which means in a lot of little pieces, or something like that). To cheer my mood up I decided that since I was already downtown, I could go for a walk and maybe a little bit of shopping. My mom joined me and we walked around. Beside buying a pair of red underwear (as I wrote already, even if I am not superstitious, the year 2008 was so crap that it is better to do everything to avoid any bad luck in the coming year) and a scarf (because I left mine at home, due to my brain "in pappa" again), I went for colorful tights. If there is something I am crazy about, are colorful happy tights. I was looking for a pair with some nice drawing, like the one I have with the geckos on it. But I couldn't find. Tights with drawing are only for kids and even if I am short, I am still bigger than a kid.

At the end I bought a pair in orange (bright orange, my favorite color!!!), one in violet and one in a weird bluet. They are quite cool. I wanted a pair also in yellow, but they didn't have them anymore in my size. Me wearing those colorful tights is something that always attract the attention of a lot of people, no matter where I am. But uh, oh, I like it, so the colorful clothing are something that independently of how down I can be, it stays in my life!!!!

From the colorful tight I got to think about the movie "happy go lucky", which is now shown in Italy. I saw the movie some months ago and I loved it. It made me feel so happy and positive and light. Then this afternoon I was wondering in internet (while instead I should have been working) and I saw on the blog of inkiostro a lot of comments about how annoying the main character of this movie is. I don't know. I really liked it! I wish I could be a bit more like her!

Anyway, for tonight I got the movie Ironman. I heard it is a cool movie...

traveling

Italy, morning

This morning my mom's cat, Camilla, is really agitated...maybe she feels my mood...she just climbed from inside my mom Christmas tree and now she is playing with any pen or paper on the table where I am working (and also with my cellphone).

I keep feeling lost, I keep feeling empty and I hate the New Year Eve coming closer. I am not ready. I will miss someone special tomorrow night. At the end I will spend the evening with my sister, her husband, my mom and other couples friend of my sister. Lots of couples. I didn't find a better option. Fortunately, my mom and a friend of her will be there too and they are both single, so I will be not the only one....even if of course, it is different..

I decided that to push away this feeling of loneliness and emptiness, I will take a long d-tour to come back home to France. I will spend some days traveling a bit around here in Europe. Not that traveling will allow me to escape my feelings, but maybe it will distract me. Even if loneliness normally travels faster than I do and follow me wherever I go...

again?

Italy, late afternoon

I have a special talent lately in catching a flu. I think I am getting sick again. And of course, the first symptoms I get are a sore throat and intestinal problems, which is not really nice since I am in Italy and my mom cooks incredibly well and I would like to enjoy what she prepares for me...

Ok, I will stay inside this evening. No running outside, no walk and a cup of warm tea....but it is so annoying...I will take a warm bath. Fortunately my mom has a bath here and not a small shower like mine in France.

same book, different me

Italy, evening

There are times in which the same book, read at different age or in a different mood gives you something different. It happens to me. Not with too many books, but with some good ones.

I just finished a nice Italian book I was reading. It was nice, entertaining and I enjoyed it a lot. The title is "Le tre carte". I left a comment about it in my book session. I already bought another Italian book. I feel that if I don't want to completely lose my Italian vocabulary (which is already happening), I should read more Italian books.
Anyway, it is days that I am thinking about a book I read long time ago, when I was a teen ager. The title is Momo, the author is Michael Ende. As I wrote, I already read the book. But I keep thinking about it and as when I read it I am sure I appreciated (or not, I can't recall) for the novel, now I am more thinking about the insights of this book. I am sure I have it here around, so I will try to find it (or I will buy it again) and re-read it.

I had the same with the "Le Petit Prince". Read it when you are a teenager and you see the novel. Read it when you are older and you find something else in there.

I am addicted to books. But tonight, I will watch tv (I don't have a tv since 7 years, so when I am in Italy I can't stop stare at it), because there is a movie I like "Love actually".

Italy, afternoon

I am so angry, so angry at myself and at how things go that I just manage to fight with everyone here. I just have to avoid to talk to anyone close to me now if I want to avoid to fight. I have so much anger in myself that it just come out at everyone as soon as I open my mouth.

And of course, beside the anger there are also a lot of tears.

changing socks

Italy, morning

I woke up from a bad dream and now I feel really agitated. Pfff...I hate bad dreams....It was not about work fortunately, but this doesn't make it less awful...

I am trying to work a bit, but I need my strength to find the energy to do something. Anything else seems more appealing. At the end, it is my holidays, even if I have a lot of work to finish still....Another pfff....fortunately I am planning to go for a long walk on the walls with my mom (my home town still has the romanic walls intact. 4.4 km on which we can walk, run, rollerblade, bike, everything).

In the last days I feel really cranky. I have an amazing fear of being substituted in the heart of the people I love and count a lot to me. I have this with my closest friends and I have this if I love someone, even after we take separate ways. I would always like to have a special place in the heart and mind of the people I love. Because I don't feel that special and because my father always used people like disposable objects, I can't stop thinking that everyone (except me of course) is a bit like him, especially if this everyone is a man. Beside my father, who was changing women as often as he changes his socks, also my first boss was always telling me that none is necessary, everyone can be substituted. And this is one of my biggest fear.

It may sound silly, but I invest so much on the people that make a difference in my life, that the idea that for them it is not the same and I can be replaced in their lives by someone else, it makes me suffer. Of course I can dictate other people lives...but still...Arrogantly, I would like to be insostituible in their lives.

New Year's Eve 2008/2009

Italy, evening

I wrote already I don't know how many times that Christmas holidays are a bad time to be down. It looks like you have to be happy. Family getting together, everyone feels he has to be nicer to the others.... If you are not that happy, the feeling that you necessarily have to be happy, because be down and Christmas atmosphere really don't go well together, make the person feeling down more stressed than necessary...at least this is what happens to me.

Thinking about how to spend New Year Eve is even more stressful. I am not superstitious, but I don't know why in my head I have this idea that a) you have to have fun on New Year Eve b) you can't spend that day alone c) you have to go to bed late d) you have to do something different from what you would normally do e) THIS IS THE MAIN STRESSFUL PART: you have to start the new year in a great way, otherwise the coming year is screwed up!

Based on the e) assumption is that if you do not enjoy the first day of the new year, you can just forget to have any chance to have a good new year...so, you can basically bypass the entire new year and postpone everything to the following year (just accept to be in a sleeping mode for the following 12 months). This just to hope to make it in a not catastrophic way till the following year.

The direct outcoming of all this is a huge stress on what to do on New Year Eve. The rules to try to have a good coming year are (at least in the area from where I came from):

a) wear red new underwear (the old one is not valid!!!)
b) eat lentils (they "bring" money)
c) eat at least 12 pieces of grape (one for each month)
d) eat litchis (which of course are not typically from Tuscany, but with all the Chinese people who moved here, we got also some traditions from them and to avoid any risk (you don't want to risk to have a bad year just because your local diet doesn't include litchis), better to make everyone happy and follow also the Chinese tradition)
e) if you make a "cin cin" (how do you say this in English???) with a glass of champagne, you have to stare at each other eyes while doing the "cin cin". If you don't, you will have seven years without sex (in other places I heard that is seven years of bad sex). Beside that I don't know if it would be worse seven years of bad sex or no sex at all, considering my current situation, I don't want to risk again and so I will make sure that even if I don't drink anything at all, I will make "cin cin" with everyone and stare at them right in their eyes.

What else??? I am not sure....if you know something additional that I should do, please let me know, I have to do as much as possible to avoid another shitty year.

So far, I don't have a plan on what to do on New Year Eve. My ideal night would be to have dinner with some good friends, go dancing or play some games and then go to bed with the person I love :-)
Since this last point is not going to happen (and I have to admit that I really envy anyone who will start the new year in the arms of the person they love because I can't think of any better way to start the new year), I still hope for a nice dinner with good friends.....

I will keep you posted.

inspiring

Italy, night

Still awake. I am getting ready to get to bed. I was watching this cool inspiring video. It is long, but watch it, it is worth it.

scary

Italy, evening

Scary. I was here at the computer when everything started to shake. My bed, the computer, everything. We had two earthquake shakes, just at 11 pm this evening. There has been one in Parma this afternoon, a bit North of here...and the shakes I felt this evening are the "scosse di assestamento" I have no idea of how to call them....

anyway, it was scary. I am always scared about earthquake.
Now I am watching an amazing cool thing on youtube.

Good night

it seems it rains shit

Italy, afternoon

If any single day does not have a small yet significant bad news for me or my family, it is not really a day. So far today didn't have any major negative things, I even went running. Now, I just got one.

Hurray!

To laugh a bit watching Elio Germano :-)

France, evening

I couldn't put this video here....

too close

France, lunch time

I slept a lot, really a lot. 11 hours...and now I feel completely dizzy. And it is not too good since I have to work a lot today...and so far I did nothing.. :-)

Last night I went to see the movie "Burn after reading" of the Coen brothers and I liked it. Brad Pitt is so funny. It reminded my The Big Lebowski because everything starts out of nothing, so out of something that didn't go the way it should have gone. Of course in this movie, none is so good as Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski. But it was nice.

Anyway, this post is not about the movie. It is about the French again. I went to the movie with two French (a man and a woman), an Iranian, a Danish and an Algerian. An international group. The French girls has been sick for two weeks. She arrived and she kissed on the cheeks everyone. A French habit. I am not too much into physical contact with people I am not close to. I love hugs, I love kisses and so on, but only with people who are really close to me.

The cheek kissing is a bit like the American "hi, how are you doing?" meaning nothing, but everyone does it. Between the two, I, of course, prefer the American "hi, how are you doing" to the French cheek kissing. First, I never know how many times you are supposed to kiss the other person on the cheeks, because I found out that even within the same country it goes from two to four times. Second, if someone has just been sick or is still sick, I am not that happy about getting so close to his/her face. Third, here everyone kisses everyone else. Which is highly democratic, I admit, but it just doesn't work for me. I can't cheek kiss my boss. It is just weird. So, also for this, I stick out of the crowd. Everyone does it. Everyone cheek kiss everyone else. Me, I just freeze. And I am sorry, because I may look rude...but it is just not something for me.

By product of this, is that you get really close to smell the other person. If you read my blog since quite sometime, then you may have noticed that I am highly sensitive to smells. I would happily avoid to cheek kiss someone and thus get really close to him/her if she/he smells bad. But it seems that as long as I will be living here, I have to find a way to cope with this fact.

Last thing. French people talk close to each other. Another thing I love about Americans. They are really respectful (at least the ones I met). They are careful with other people spaces. They don't invade someone else space. French people are not that sensitive. So, a lot of times it happened to me to have a conversation with someone who was talking so close to my face that I got to think "hey, if I would have liked to kiss you, I would have already tried probably"...and so often for me speaking to a French ends up in a sort of dancing, the person coming closer to me and my face and me stepping back. Fortunately, this habit is not too common and widespread as the cheeck kissing.

I know, sometimes I may sound a bit of a tight ass.....I just like my spaces...

The Frenchies, my skin, getting old and others

France, night

I was deadly tired tonight. I didn't want to go out. But I said I would go. So, after a shower I managed to put something decent on and I went out.

On the way to the pub, the meeting point, I felt invisible. This happens often. It is nothing new. Here in France, it happens even more often than in any other country where I lived before. French girls are too pretty. And the ones who are not pretty look pretty anyway. They have this charm that cannot be copied and for sure cannot be learn. So, it doesn't matter how I look, I will always be and feel invisible.
No, let me rephrase this. I am not invisible because while everyone else here dresses in black or in grey when they go for some color, I almost always wear orange or red or pink or other colors...So, yes, they look at me, but with the expression of who thinks "she is weird". Beside this, I became invisible again. The Frenchies are for me not even a source of frustration. They are inimitable. There is not comparison, no competition. I am sure that under an objective light maybe they are not even that special. But they all look fashionable, skinny but not too much, interesting. Even the ones who are not fashionable, skinny or interesting look exactly the opposite anyway.

I feel like being an elephant in a shop full of glasses.
Out of place.

I am sure that if I would try to wear the same things they wear, make up like they do, wear the same shoes they do (with such a high heels that first I should learn how to walk with those), have this permanent expression of being annoyed and yet look amazingly interesting and sexy, I would only manage to feel umcomfortable with myself and to look like a cow....
I still didn't get what is the trick.

The Frenchies always look bored, like they are making you a favor if they talk to you, whatever thing they do, even when you think they should have fun, they still have that face with that expression that to me looks like "please don't bother me"...without the please of course. Yet, they seem to be so appealing to men like honey for bears.

Now, I am not interested in meeting any man. I am really not in the right status of mind for that. But still, it wouldn't be bad for my self-esteem to be noticed at least sometimes and not only because I look weird or different. Just to not feel invisible all the time.

Me, I am funny and this is my trick if I want to gather any attention. To be myself and thus being funny I have to be in a situation a) in which I am comfortable b) in which I can be funny, which means out with a group of people. These two things don't come automatically that easily. So, the majority of the time I feel out of place. Because of the way I dress, because of they way I walk, because of the way I am.

And since I am here, I also started to feel old. Like my skin is falling apart and I look much older than I actually am. I am sure I am exagerating, but this is the way I feel....and it doesn't sound too good. I feel more and more like I am a lot of substance, but not at all appareance. And even if this can sound good (sure I agree, substance is better than appareance), none would deny that a compliment about the way I look, about how I appear would for sure make me feel immediately good.

I see it. If someone likes me, it does because of the way I am and my personality. Which is good, again, of course. But it wouldn't hurt if someone before to like me for the way I am and my personality would also think "hey, she is cute"....or even better "hey, she is pretty".....

Moon

France, evening

Beautiful moon outside. It seems that in the last 15 years it has never been so close to Earth. Just take a minute to look at it. It is really beautiful...

I know...I am so romantic....

Anyway, I watched the moon on my own...which was not really romantic...

But I enjoyed anyway and this is what it counts!!!

This is the life

France, morning

I love this song. Absolutely. It makes me feel like jumping around and smiling. Don't know why.
I just love it!

play the cynical

France, night

I play the cynical one much more than I actually am. I think I am as cynical as I am an incurable romantic.
I saw again for the third time the movie of sex and the city and for the third time I cried at the same exact points.........................

I have no words...

The wall

France, morning

Ah, la France, la France.....
Yesterday at work. I get there in the morning, I entered the room and it was freezing. The person I share the office with told me that we were without electricity. Which means that since the heating blow cold hair and we use an electric heater, of course it was not working. Then we also were of course without light and since it was a grey day outside it was everything dark in the office. Ok, I thought I go back home to work there.
But then a man came and told us that the electricity would be repaired in a bit. So, it happened. So, I stayed and unpacked my stuff and started to work. We had to close the door since they were redoing some other office in the corridor and so it was really noisy.

Afternoon. Me working at the computer really concentrated. Suddenly I heard a BOOOM that made me jump on my chair (I am sure I have some additional white hair since yesterday) and a large piece of wall fell into my office. What was it?
Without saying anything to anyone, two of the people who were redoing some of the other offices, started to break down the wall separating the two offices of our working team. Yes, I knew that this would happen. I also knew that this would happen when none was there. Instead, since they were already working at the same floor, they decided to destroy also our wall....they could tell us something before to start....not, too easy...
So, I asked them if they were planning to keep working on that and for how long, because it was so noisy that I would have got home to work. The answer was "yes, yes".........Yes, yes what? so, I had to reformulate my question again, all this while they were making a lot of noise destroying the wall...Yes, they would keep doing that and yes they would keep doing that for a bit.
Ok, so I packed my stuff and when I put to sleep my computer I realized that the noise was stop. I went to the other room to ask if someone knew what was going on and they told me that since they realized that the entire structure was not really solid and that if they would have brought down the wall without reinforcing the adjacent structures, everything would have come down too, they stopped. Apparently, they will start again today.

I am not discussing here safety issues of the entire fact, but come on...is this an appropriate way of working??? fortunately I was not the only one annoyed and surprised, which means that also for the French this was not normal....

Merde

France, morning

If there is something typical of France is "merde". It is everywhere.
French people use the word "merde" in almost every sentence...and most of the time the word has not specific meaning in the sentence. It is just to make the concept stronger.
Second, walking on the street, on every street in France, is like walking along a trail with obstacles. The obstacles being dog "merde" (when it is not human, since I even saw a mom helping a kid pooing in the middle of the street) everywhere.
Of course, this morning when I walked to work, I stepped on it.
In Italy we say that it brings you good luck.
I really hope that at least the bad smell and the disgusting feeling of stepping on a dog poo can be paid back by some good luck today.....

PS. I started to read the book "a year in the merde". It is quite funny so far.

flight

France, night

at least today, even if the day turned out to be quite crappy, I concluded it finally buying the flight ticket for San Francisco. Which is something good!
Now I will go to read a bit of my book and then to sleep!

father and son

France, evening

Ok, this is what I definitively needed to boost my mood....Science findings can sometimes be depressing. If this study is true (and fortunately it seems to have more effect on sons than on daughters), my sister and I had probably a very low IQ at the age of 12 compared to the other kids...

I am always amused by these studies. I mean, someone is already depressed for its own situation, like having an absent father, and then do you think that this person also needs to know that "hey, you think that your father screwed up really well your life, but maybe you don't know that it screwed up every more than just your life...."?..come on...

Or like when you read these studies with written making love regularly improve the immune defense, improve the mood, helps losing weight and all these beautiful things....and of course, you are single....I mean, what is one supposed to do?

Scientists please understand one thing. The ones who had a great father, have a happy sex life, are happy enough and not waste any time reading things around the web to know how lucky they are. The ones who instead are a bit screwed up by their fathers and even more, maybe single, they DO NOT NEED to know that actually their situation is not just bad, but it is actually worse than what they think, because also their health pays the consequences of being single or their intelligence has been negatively influenced by a father who didn't invest on them....

Come on! Give me a break!
In any case I have to arrogantly said that if the absence of my father screwed up my intelligence, I made it anyway trough school and I even got a PhD. Maybe I can go much further and I will not get a nobel prize, but still....don't think to be below average!

Ups and downs

France, evening

After a really nice week end with my family, who came to visit me here, today I have a bad day. Well my day wouldn't have started that bad, but then I got a bit sad because they left (I always get sad when someone I love and I like to spend time with leaves), then I got the news that I didn't get the grant to stay here a year and half more (I was really really hoping for that), then I got incredibly nervous about thinking to what I can apply to next to increase my chances to find a job after here and then I had the bad idea of taking a break and navigate a bit here and there on internet. And I made my decision about something: I definitively hate facebook!
I actually just saw something worse than facebook on the last post of inkiostro: Facecool!

who are your friends?

France, morning

The guy who will finally maybe one day do the reparation in the bathroom of my apartment came this morning. He said that because is December and so "close" to Christmas, then there is New Year Eve, than the insurances don't like to pay etc, probably the reparation will be done in February 2009....and he said "this is how it works in France"....and he is French :-)
Well, whatever, the roof is repaired, so it will not rain in my apartment and I am still in a good mood. My mom, my sister and her husband are on their way to come here for a long week end together!!!

This is the first thing I read this morning. How many times did you feel that being surrounded by happy people made you feel happy and instead people feeling miserable make you feel miserable too? Someone actually tested this!

PS. Today I am finally going running again. It seems that I am not sick anymore, finally!
PPS. Today I am going to buy the flight ticket for San Francisco!!! I am so excited for this trip, even if it is for work!!!

what voice type are you?

France, evening

I think science is really cool. Sometimes I find some really interesting articles. This is one of them! Check your voice type and you can find more about your attractiveness power toward men or women in different life stages!

PS. My great dinner today has been an incredible amount of mashed potatoes with some goat cheese. Definitively something not too light, especially for the quantity of mashed potatoes....I am so stuffed now.....The mashed potatoes (of course, in powder) has been all my cooking for this evening. Yesterday I shocked a girl with my cooking abilities...everyone expects that since I am Italian I am also a good chef. Nope, sorry!

French men

France, evening

I got to the conclusion that French men are rude. Not all of them probably, but some for sure and more than in any other country where I have been living.
A guy today. Never saw before. He came into my office to repair the shutter of the window. He didn't say good morning. Nothing. He said "it is too hot here". And I answered him that since I spend all day at the computer it is not the same as when you come from outside, like he just did. He repeated "it is too hot here". And I said that the other guy who is in the office and I like it that way. Again "really too hot". That was the conversation for about 5 minutes, when he decided to conclude it saying "pffff, women, you are not going to get to the age of 40 in this way"........
I was shocked...would you say something like this to someone you see for the first time?
And the reason why I wouldn't get to 40?
Because it was too hot in the room. And cold preserves better. This was what he said.

I mean, which kind of education do they teach here????

are we too old for a passionate, crazy love?

France, morning

First, watch this part from the last episode of sex and the city. It is related to this post.



Second, it is since last week that I have this continuous thought in my head. It doesn't leave me. I heard a lot, but really a lot of women saying that once you decide that you are ready to settle down, you stop looking for a big love, to instead start to look for a stable man who desires a family as well. It doesn't get to me yet how the two things are incompatible. But it seems so....you get around 30 years old, you apparently start to feel the tic tac of your biological clock and bum you realize that yes you want a family and kids and it is time to give up romance and passion and crazy love for something maybe less deep but more stable.

Based on my limited experience I can say that probably part of this is understandable. As soon as I am mad in love for someone, my brain capacities diminish, I am much more sensitive to anything the other person thinks or feels, I am more prone to drama, and so for sure it is easier to have a relationship without so much up and down when I am less involved.
The point is, so far I have not been able to have a relationship with someone for whom I was not crazy about. And yes, I had plenty of pain because of this. But I can't imagine to look at the person I am with and need my rationality to remind me why we are together.
A lot of times I heard these women who married or have a family with someone who was "right" saying that "he is a good father, he supports the family, he is good to me"....I understand that these are important qualities....but what about love? Yes, sure, after some years the crazy passion, the strong attraction will be diluted and I know that sometimes the people involved in the relationship are not able to deal with the lack of these factors that brought them together in the first place. But for me, it is just the evolution of the relationship, the growing together. A relationship that changes with time, as the two people involved.

So, the point is...Is it because I am afraid of commitment that I just can't think of having a relationship with someone for whom I am not madly in love? some of these women told me this. That I am just not ready to have a "mature" relationship and I still live them like if I was a teenager.....But why when you get to 30 or over 30 you can't still dream of finding someone for who you madly fall in love and then start a family with him? why after a certain age our romantic part fade out in the advantage of a more rational view?
Aren't we rational enough in a lot of other fields of our lives? why rushing to lose also the last romance? Is it that scary be over 30 and be a woman who wants a family?

Sorry, I am not ready to give up the mad love, the feeling of having my stomach upside down every time I see this person, the passion.
Definitively not!

who decides what is art?

France, evening

I decided today that in months that I live here, I still didn't pay a single visit to the local museum. A friend of mine told me a week ago that the exposition about videos that is currently showed at the museum was great. So, today I went there.

I may not get art, which is probable. I like what I like and it doesn't matter how fancy it is or if the artist is famous or whatever critique tells me that what I am looking at is a unique piece of art. For me art is about what the thing I am looking at transmits to me. I love Van Gogh. I like Kandinsky. I think Leonardo da Vinci was a genius and Michelangelo was amazing. Actually part of my family is really artistic in terms of painting, architecture etc. I don't think I took anything from that side of the family. But still, I appreciate beauty. I appreciate when some author is able to transmit me something. The Sagrada Familia in Barcelona is amazing. It is something that doesn't leave me indifferent. It is something I would stare at for hours. And this is just an example. I loved Dali'.

But what I saw today. I just didn't get it. I mean, I know a lot of computer scientists who make more complicated and beautiful things that what I saw today. And they don't have an exposition in some big center of modern art. Of course, that is TOO TECHNICAL. Which means, it is automatically not artistic. What I saw today is about emotions, thus, it is art.

AH, Sorry, I didn't get that!!!!!!!
I think that the artistic part of my brain is not well developped.

There was one thing, a black wood panel. Simply like that. A black wood panel.
And that was art. And I paid to see that.

I don't get it. Who decides what is art and what no?
Next person who will ask me who pays me to do what I am doing for work (the most classical question I get from non-scientists is "do they really pay you to do that?"), I will buy him a ticket to visit this exposition. Because if you wonder why scientists get paid to study a fruitfly (like Sarah Palin does), then maybe he will need also to wonder who pays all the billion of artists in the world who make a plain black panel and call it a piece of art....

I am addicted!

France, evening

I am totally addicted. I never liked anything involving vampires. Not movies neither books. Now, I started the book "Twilight" before yesterday and I can't wait to be home to read it. It is addictive. Not as much as Harry Potter, but it is pretty good....

You know what I am going to do now....

READ!

are we so hurt by the past to desire to erase it to move on?

France, night

In some way today I made it to this evening in a more or less fine way. I didn't go running as planned, because I wanted to completely recover from the cough. I went instead to the Virgin megastore next to my place and I bought a movie and of course, another book. The book is titled "a year in the merde" and it is supposed to be funny. The movie was "The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind". I also didn't feel like cooking, so I got some wok food from the wok to go place (next to the virgin, great thing to live downtown), came back home and watched the movie. And I liked it.
I liked the idea beyond the story. And I got to think, would I like to erase memories of past relationships that made me suffer?
I mean, a lot of pain from the past would be removed. A lot of the feeling of not being able to have a succesful relationship would be gone. It certainly would have positive aspects. But would I like to have that if it would be possible? how much of past negative experience does actually stay with us and influence us without we notice it?
I certainly wouldn't like to remove any single memory, positive or negative, of the people I really loved, but what about the one who just made me suffer a lot? I don't know, I still think I would like to keep all my memories, good or bad that they are...because the past experiences made me the way I am, good and bad, messy for a lot of things, stable and good for others.

So, I guess no, I wouldn't like that......but the story of the movie was certainly interesting, and the love story in there was really nice (nice? ok, if you didn't see the movie you can't get this one) in some parts.

before going to bed

France, night

Just a quick post....the two friends I talked about in my previous post...we just had a really really nice night out. We laughed a lot and it was really nice. One of them will leave tomorrow. It was a nice last (at least for now) evening together. Sometimes we are really weird....everyone is so busy with their own lives and so absorbed in their own things to not even stop for a minute to think what really makes life better. I think a evening laughing is something that makes my life better. It is part of some quality time. Sometimes we are so much into our own world that we really forget what it matters and who matters.

Good night

Some day is just too long

France, evening

A list of my day today. I feel like today lasted for at least a couple of days. Too full. Just too full. And it is not over.

Morning, biking in the direction of work. A car was badly parked so the driver of the car that was entering in the road where I was biking couldn't see who was coming. I was awake enough to avoid it. But it almost hit me. Almost, but not fortunately. After that, I thought it was my good day.

Got to work, started to work. For the last 5th days in a row (or more) I wrote an email to one of my friends to ask her if everything was ok, if something happened, since I didn't hear from her in a long time, she didn't answer to my emails nothing. I asked her to have lunch together, to go out, if she was ok. Nothing. Not a single word. This is the same person that a couple of weeks ago said that she only had two people who consider friends here, me and another guy. I thought, ok she may be busy. Today I saw her at the lunch place. I got a really bad feeling. She considered me really little, and she kept talking in a kind of an arrogant way, like I can't understand her day was more difficult, everything was more etc. I got disturbed. I know that she has a really high opinion of her work and of how good she is, and I think it is really good, but this doesn't mean to make other people feel less or that they can't understand or that what they have is less. I am sure that she didn't mean bad. But sometimes you can hurt someone even if you don't mean bad.
So, I got to a point in which I stopped to think that the only two people I knew here till a few weeks ago were this woman and the one who called me to say that someone said I was ugly! Can you believe that? The only two people I knew where two people who love to make me feel bad about myself and less than them (which is anyway not that difficult in general).

I digested this to move to the after lunch part of the day which consisted of three different meetings in French for a total of 3 hours and half. Meetings that were highly recomended and which I didn't enjoy, I didn't contribute and I got nothing out of it. I should have left the meetings.
The last meeting was actually me speaking. I spoke in French and I don't think I did bad. According to my boss (the main big boss) however, the results of my work so far are not that exciting...and even if it is not my fault, because the data are what they are and I did my best, he said that my results were kind of expected and so....what's new about it???

Plus, I am still fighting for my apartment. Still nothing has been repaired. Still the agency treats this as if it is something normal (a month is passed already since I had the infiltration). I can't take it any longer. The amount of stress this apartment caused me is incredible. If I could, I would change apartment now. And my rent is 450 euros for a place with a bathroom that falls apart. It is incredible. I had a lot of email exchange with the agency and a phone call and everything seems according to them, normal...Does the apartment fall apart? just sit and wait, maybe someone will come to repair something....maybe...

I would really need a strong hug now.
I am so tired of always having to fight my battles always alone.
I really need a hug.

and I bought another book

France, evening

If I have an addiction, or I should say one of my addictions, is to buy books. I cannot enter in a book shop and get out without a book. I mean, I can, but it is really really hard. So, even if now I am already busy reading three different kind of books, I couldn't resist to buy "Twilight".....many people wrote or told me nice things about this book that I absolutely wanted to read it. I guess I will start it in a couple of weeks. Of course, I will not go to see the movie, otherwise all the surprise of the book would be gone!

For tonight, instead of reading any book, I should just try to find the motivation of working in my presentation for tomorrow. It has to be in French....I think I would have problems to give my presentation in Italian, since I know the technical terms only in English, but at least it would be my mother language...but in French.....it is going to be interesting....

same word, different languages

France, lunch time

I had lunch with my Iranian colleague today, like almost every day. And I shocked him. I asked him if he liked and knew the cous cous. And he shocked asked me "what???".
Apparently in Iran cous cous is a taboo word, something that you shouldn't say. For me, of course, the cous cous is this grainy thing to eat. And I love it.

Of course, as I am curios, I couldn't resist to ask him what cous cous means in Sirian. He was quite embarassed and then he told me that it means "the female genitalia organ"........and he added "imagine if when I go back to Iran I say that I have been eating cous cous"....

Same word, different languages....I guess that sometimes this can create some weird misunderstanding....So, if you travel to Iran, make sure to not ask for cous cous!

Being John Malkovich

France, night

I just saw one of the weirdest movie I ever seen. Being John Malkovich. Brilliant story, great actors, incredible John Malkovich....But the story is quite sad. Brilliant, but sad. I am not sure if I liked it.

Beside when I was younger I had a bit of this thing of thinking of being in someone else head/life/show, a bit like in The Truman show...so these movies always leave me a bit puzzled....

blog personality

France, lunch time

Ok, I am going to stop to blog. In a bit I am going out for a walk. But I found out this blog personality test from MissB blog.

This is what I got from the analysis of my blog....I am not sure the second part fits that well, but oh well....for sure the soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells part is true!

ESFP - The Performers

The entertaining and friendly type. They are especially attuned to pleasure and beauty and like to fill their surroundings with soft fabrics, bright colors and sweet smells. They live in the present moment and don´t like to plan ahead - they are always in risk of exhausting themselves.

The enjoy work that makes them able to help other people in a concrete and visible way. They tend to avoid conflicts and rarely initiate confrontation - qualities that can make it hard for them in management positions.

do I look that serious?

France, lunch time

Wild night. I couldn't sleep till 5 am this morning because of my cough....of course, not really taking care of it doesn't improve anything.

Last night I went dancing. And I danced like crazy (it is one of my addictions). I enjoyed it a lot. And I realized something. People who do not know me consider me much more serious than what I actually am. Maybe because of my job, maybe because I think a lot, maybe because at the beginning if I am not too comfortable with the crowd I am shy, maybe because I don't drink alcohol, because I try to be healthy, because I don't smoke, dunno....the thing is, people who don't know me after a few times that we do things together, always get surprised to find out that I am not the too serious person they thought I was.

And this happened again yesterday. I dance a bit like a crazy person and I am sure that if you are not used to see someone who moves so much and so fast as soon as she hears the music, than yes, it could be a bit shocking at first. Then I made a comment about one of the barman being cute and actually quite sexy for my taste. And this was even more surprising apparently. The mentioned barman looked like a surfer guy, someone looking wild, an "outdoor" person. I don't know, it is difficult to explain how he really looked like, beside that he was attractive (and I am really really picky). Let's say he was not looking like the classical family man looks like. And exactly for this reason, I liked him. I mean, I am someone who thinks that John Malkovich and Elio Germano are extremely sexy... But of course, if you don't know me, you don't know this for sure about me.

So, one of the girl who was with me, when we left the disco-pub told me that she was surprised that I could find sexy someone like him. And that she thought that I was more for the intellectual looking type of guy, someone looking more serious like me....
Do I look that serious? I didn't take it as a compliment (of course she didn't mean it in a positive or negative way)...I consider myself really serious in terms of values, I am definitively serious when it comes to work, but I love to have fun.....maybe I should wear more often my bright yellow pants, instead of my plain jeans....

In any case, none but maybe one of the people I liked or felt in love for was looking like the intellectual type of guy. The people I actually felt in love for are all the three extremely smart and for sure intelligent, but they do not look that serious. And I found them amazingly attractive for this contrast.

It is kind of funny when you find out that people judged you in a quite different way from the "real" you....

should, would

France, evening

Evening at home for me. Hot tea with honey and a movie...and hopefully my cough will get better. I also took an herbal product for the cough. I hope it will not give me allergy (so far so good) and that it will actually do something.

This evening I got to think about what I would like to do sometimes and what I instead feel I should do because it is the correct thing to do. There is this brand of clothing that I love "Life is good". I am actually not sure if the brand has this name, but anyway, t-shirts, mugs, hats, all have this thing written on "Life is good". I actually regret that when I was in the USA I didn't buy a long-sleeves shirt with written "Life is good. Do what you like, like what you do" (or on the other way around).
I think it is such a simple true thing that a lot of time I forget. Do what I like, like what I do. Sometimes I am so stressed or so busy worrying about things that I forget this. I should print it big and hang it on the wall of my apartment, of my office, everywhere....

About this, sometime ago I was talking to a friend of mine and he was telling me that he went to a brain storming group about environment protection and living sustainable (or something like this). He said that all the participants were divided in groups in which different topics were discussed and that one of the things they told him before to start was that everyone should have been able to feel free to move from one group to another in case they were bored where or they were feeling that they didn't gain or contribute anything to the discussion. And then he said to me "isn't this something that we should be able to do also in normal life relationships?"

Maybe it should, for sure it wouldn't be considered nice to the person or the people talking to you...

But in fact, it is an interesting concept. While we were talking about this, I got to think about how many times I felt I was wasting my time, how many times I was in a place feeling I wanted to leave and how many times I did something different from what I wanted to do because of social constrains. I am not a superficial, arid person who is not able to listen. But I also feel, that sometimes out of guilt, out of what I feel I should do instead of what I would like to do, I constrain myself and so it would be actually nice if without hurting anyone, I could be able to stand up and leave a place, a conversation, a relationship, whatever...instead, I stay there and feel out of place or miserable. I should be able to say no, instead of yes if I would like to say no.

Do what you like, like what you do. Life is good.

Maybe I should keep this in mind.

and this is cool

France, morning

Check this out. If I would have something like this, I would spend even more time at the computer. Fortunately for now, there is no such a risk!


g-speak overview 1828121108 from john underkoffler on Vimeo.

my man side

France, evening

I am sick. I wrote this already a couple of times. I don't have fever, I just cough like crazy. Plus, I seem a transvestite. If someone talk to me without seeing me (let's say on the phone), I have now this deep voice characteristics of a) a wild man (at least in my imagination) b) someone who smokes a lot c) case a)+ case b)....

In any case, it is not something you would like to hear anyway....And it is at least since three days that I am carrying around this voice...Yesterday, I even scared a guy who came to the office to ask me to go to the a coffee with the others....

Today I am also dressed in pink...it doesn't really go with my voice....

PS. I was planning to go for a run tomorrow...I am not that it is a good idea...

is it really going to happen?

France, lunch time

I just got a phone call. It seems that my email of complains about the situation with my apartment moved something. Someone is supposed to come to see the conditions of the bathroom on monday morning. Of course, this is only the person who will check the entity of the damage.
Then this person will contact someone else to do the work on the roof (how long will I have to wait for this second person?), so on the outside of my apartment.
Once that is done, a third person will have to come to do the work in my bathroom (hopefully).....

Just a rough prediction...I could bet that all this will take some months.....we will see...

The best feature

France, night

I was just thinking...what is the best feature of a man?

If he makes me laugh. I can't resist a man who makes me laugh, especially if he does it in a nice way (no vulgarity please).

Of course it is not the only quality that makes me love someone, but the person I love has for sure to be able to make me smile and laugh.

how can France be such a strong country?

France, evening

I am here, in my humid apartment with this question moving around in my head. It seems to me that to do the simplest thing in the world here, not only it takes ages, but it is worst than the South American "manana, manana"....basically, you can wait till your hair are all white and still nothing will happen.
Do you need some paperwork done for work? that takes about a month, if there are no problem with it. Do you need something urgent, like repairing the heater in winter? that would probably take some month (the heating in my office blows cold hair, like if we were in the middle of the summer)...do you need something fixed in your apartment? just forget it.

I just sent a semi-unfriendly email to the agency that rented me this cool apartment that falls apart. I signed a declaration that I had a water infiltration from the roof a month ago. During this month, we had more rain, more sun, more rain and now sun since 10 days. At the agency they told me that because before it was raining and the roof was slippery, then none could come till this week, so when everything will be well dried. Fine, I understand that. Now, today is wednesday, nobody called, nobody came. Wanna bet that till next week (except if my email will move something) nothing is again going to happen?

Just to have an idea of the condition of my bathroom, I put here two pictures. The wall is so humid that when it rains, if I press a paper to the wall, the paper gets wet. My apartment is so humid that with the heater on it seems to be in a tropical forest...and then I wonder why I get sick over and over....right, why????

Beside, if it starts raining again (which cannot be excluded), the water is now entering also in the other room (my bedroom/living room) where I have everything (books, computer, etc...)...I am not really happy about this possibility.

Sorry, I am slightly pissed. I have no patient, especially when I see a lot of unprofessional people around me. I miss Germany for this. Every country really has its up and down sides...

shit

France, afternoon

Shit! I just heard that I did not get one of the grants I applied to. This means that in a less than a year I will have to move again.
My mood is under my shoes now.
Plus, I have to start thinking about where to go next. I am so tired of moving around the world every year and starting a life in another place again. If someone now tells me how cool it is to move and start a life again every year in a different place, I am going to kill this person, I promise!

PS. I can believe it. I just found out (1 hour after I received the news) that it may be that there has been a mistake in the results...I will know more about it tomorrow...maybe there is still some hope!!!! maybe....

the wrong models

France, evening

Does it happen to everyone to see a couple and think "oh, I would like to be like them", to see someone who has the job of your dreams and think "oh, I would love to be her" and so on and so on? It is not jealousy mine, it is more seeing someone living something that I wish I will live too exactly in that way.
Well, models can be wrong sometimes. In my case, for sure. My infinite imagination makes me creating profiles and lives for the people I decide to be my model. I project on someone else the idea of how something should be. It happened to me already three times, two in terms of work, one in terms of a couple I know. I thought, they had it all.
Instead, they did it, but just in my head.
So, I had a cold shower when I woke up.
First model. One of my PhD supervisor. Incredibly smart, incredibly nice, funny, successful guy. I always knew I could never be like him, I am not that talented in what I am doing, not as much as he is. What I didn't realize is that my model almost destroyed his health and his life doing anything else beside working day and night. He wore himself out, till a point in which I didn't even recognize anymore the nice guy that was in him once. I met him recently, he looks good now. He said that he realized that he was destroying his health for everyone except him and so he decided to change his life style. He is still successful, but I guess in a more normal way.

I thought he had it all, instead he was miserable. First wrong model (or at least, wrong when he was a model to me).

Second. My boss in the USA. The first time I met my future boss, I thought wow, this person has a great job at a great University, a great partner, a cool house and two nice kids. This person has it all. I came back to Italy and I remember to tell to my grandma "I wish I could be like that one day". Now, I wish even in a stronger way to never became like that. It turned out that a) I don't think this person is that happy + is not that good in what she does + looks extremely frustrated + is an horrible boss + everything looks like a nice cover for something that it is probably not that pink. Result, not only this person is not my model anymore, but it became exactly the opposite. Someone you see and think "I know exactly how I don't want to end up".

Third, this couple I know. They were great. Amazing love story, she strongly wanted him, completely different characters that made up for how much they loved each others, great in working together, one following the other around the world and vice-versa, supporting each other. Just great! A really great match to my eyes. It turned out that probably what it looked like a pink life to me was instead a bit more of a grey life. They split after long time. And this made me extremely sad. I thought that if they made it beside all the difficulties, then there would be hope also for me.

This to say, that maybe I should stop to live in my imaginary world, to project my fantasies of the future life I would like to have on other people and instead, living more. I am just not sure from where to start..................

why do I keep getting sick here?

France, evening

I don't get it. I don't normally get sick. Here, it is the third time since August. Basically, I get sick once a month. Is it normal? if we count on top of this that I also had twice an allergic reaction, then the situation starts to worry me....
I really need to get a check up when I will be back in Italy....

my neighbour and his carreer

France, afternoon

My neighbour is probably dreaming to became a famous rock singer. This is probably why since an hour is practicing the same piece of the same crappy song. The song is quite bad, plus when he sings, it sounds like he is vomiting in the microphone. Of course he needs a microphone, so that the entire building can listen to his performance. I think his girlfriend left in the early afternoon. I got the impression that she doesn't like the way her boyfriend sings either, since she always escapes before his acoustic performances. Of course, while he is practicing his singing skills, I am at home, in the apartment next to him, separated by just a fake wall, trying to concentrate and work.....

Should I ring his bell, be rude and tell him that he can stop singing and give up his dreams considering that he quite sucks in that?
I know, it would be quite bad...poor guy...maybe I can stop working for a bit and go for a walk...

carreer

France, lunch time

I slept a lot. I needed it. I think I slept something like 10 hours and half last night. I came back from watching a movie at one of my new friend place. The movie was absurd. The evening was nice. I think I would not be a good critique for movies, since I often disagree with the evaluation of some movie database. The movie was "8 femmes". A lot of good actresses wasted for that movie.

On friday I went dancing, with the same girl and other people. I love dancing, it is one of my passions. I am a disaster in whatever dance needs some technique (salsa, merengue, ballet), but when it comes to hip hop and improvising, I think I can dance. When I dance I am totally into my own world and so I was surprised when two guys came to me last night to tell me that I dance really well and they liked to watch me dancing. They were honestly not trying to approach me, because they did not keep talking to me (maybe also because I considered them "zero"), they just wanted to tell me that I basically impressed them. Ok, I have to admit it. That was a boosting thing for myself. So, when I started to pay a bit more attention to the people around me, I saw that yes, some people were staring at me dancing. It was nice. And so I started to think that since it is so difficult to find money to keep doing what I am doing, maybe if in the future I will have problem to find a salary then I could always have a part-time job in a disco-pub, while during the day I would keep up with my scientific career. It wouldn't be the first time, I already did it for quite a while when I was in Italy.
The main problems I see with this are: 1) when you are one of the girls paid to dance in a disco-pub is not that much about how you dance, but much more about how you look. The girl who was dancing at the place where I went friday couldn't do much more that moving her hips, but she was half naked and with a really nice body. In my case it would be different. I wouldn't dance half naked, I don't have a body that people would stare at, but I can dance. Based on the current requirements, I could not do the job.
2) I could be a much better bar-tender, since I don't even drink and I already did it for a while (in my previous job at the disco-pub before they decided to put me at the wardrobe :-(). But currently bar-tenders to be cool have to have a lot of piercing and tatoos. I have no tatoos and not really interested in getting one (and in the rare event I would get one, it would be on one of my foot, so not that visible) and the same goes for the piercing (ok, except for the ones for my earings, but they are quite plain). I would not considered cool enough to get the job then.

I keep thinking about ways to make money in the future, to survive and to keep working in science in the case every country will keep cutting the funding to research.

But I always enjoy dancing anyway....

PS. I forgot. When we left the disco-pub we met again these two guys, who recognized us and one of them started to talk to me. He was quite nice and not invasive. After I told him what I am doing for living he said "wow, then you are definitively intelligent"......I was surprised. I don't actually think about myself in that terms. Well educated, yes, intelligent, I don't know. I know a lot of intelligent people who didn't necessarily study that much and don't have a PhD. And I know a lot of people with a PhD who are definitively not that smart.....but I should thank those guys. In one evening I got two compliments from them and I can't say that they didn't make me feel good.

kitchen

France, afternoon

On the week end, I definitively have problems to cope with my mood. I am sad and feeling lonely. And apparently, it doesn't even matter if yesterday I had a nice night out with one of the girls I met recently and I danced like crazy. Today, I still feel down.
Last night, I saw a girl fainting after drinking too much. She fainted so badly that I heard a laud BUM! when her head touched the floor. She lost knowledge. I don't know how it ended, I hope she is ok. I still don't get the need of getting stoned by alcohol or drugs to have fun. Where is the fun in that? I felt sorry and sad for her.

I had a nice chat with a friend yesterday about our youth. It seems that in some countries (I am Italian and she is from Colombia), much of life happens in the kitchen. My happiest memories of when I was younger are linked to the kitchen. I grew up in my mom's kitchen. I don't care about eating and I am a disaster in cooking, but my dream of my ideal family is strongly bind to a kitchen. I remember when my sister and I were trying to learn how to make home made pasta under my mom's instruction (and that was really funny, because as a perfectionist I was always trying to make the best looking pasta, while the one of my sister was always thick and hard to cook), when we were playing with a lot of weird ingredients (including some real food, as well as soap or anything white that could have looked like flour) and I was trying to poison my sister giving her to eat our artistic food, or when my school friends were coming to visit me to spend a lot of time in the kitchen again trying to create something.
The kitchen was the place to talk, to create, to laugh. I always loved to see my mom cooking, to see how from nothing she could make a pantagruelic meal. And I remember myself sitting on one of the kitchen furniture (being the table or whatever other thing) talking to her while she was cooking. The charm of the kitchen for me is linked to the social life happening in the kitchen. I like to smell the food (except cabbage I have to say), I like to look at it, I like the warm feeling of the kitchen. I remember that one of the first times I felt lonely abroad was when I walked by a house in Venezuela and I saw everyone in the kitchen, setting the table, cooking, laughing. I felt immediately home sick.

So, when yesterday I was talking to this friend of mine, recalling happy memories, we both tought of how nice it would be to have a nice kitchen with a large table, where family and friends can sit and talk and eat and laugh. A place where everyone could feel welcomed. If I will ever have kids, and if I will live with someone, I think that exactly this would be the reason to push me to learn how to cook and cook more. To take care of them, to make them feel home, to make them feel the joy of such an environment like the one I had when I was young in my mom's kitchen. It is something wonderful, and I wish everyone could experience that. And this is probably why the only thing I like to cook are cakes/pies. Because you need to share them with the others, because cakes are something that most of the people like and enjoy, because cakes are immediately associated with something joyful, party-like even if there is no a special occasion. I made a lot of cakes when I was in Germany and a bit also when I was in the USA, but here I didn't yet. I don't even have a proper oven and I don't know with whom to share them yet....

PS. This post is for my mom and for all the happy memories I have related to her cooking in the kitchen.
PPS. I can't wait to be home for Christmas. One of the more recent memories I have in my head now is my mom making waffles and my grandmother trying that strange food-creature.

weird scientists, weird food

France, morning

The more I know about scientists and scientist lives, the more I think that some of them are really weird. Take Newton for example, he was apparently extremely aggressive and violent. A genius, no doubt about that, but also with some human interaction problem.

And then to come to our days I lately met a guy, a biology student who does not shower often to save the water for the planet (why not taking a quick shower instead and avoid wasting but also avoid to stink?) and does not flush the toilet after going to the bathroom for the same reason (save water). I personally think that all this is quite disgusting and even if I am a scientist there is a limit of decency that suggests me to flush the toilet after using it and shower (but about the shower, I already wrote another entry on this blog).

And then I found out that some scientists like to try "exotic" food (and some of them even think that this food is tasty) as mealworms (in the picture above) or locusts. The recipe to eat mealworms is to deep fry them. For the locusts, it is suggested to boil them and then put them in the oven with a bit of honey. I have to admit that I tried them and while the mealworms taste of nothing to me, the locusts are not too bad. But I would not eat them normally...but I wanted to try them.

book

France, afternoon

I finally received a book I ordered a bit more than a week ago. The title is "The scientific 100. A ranking of the most influential scientists, past and present".

I am looking forward to read it. It is about the life of 100 representatives of different scientific fields and some scientist really had a weird life...so I am curious!

may be or may be not

France, lunch time

I can't be happy too soon. I can start to jump of joy already now....but let's say that if I would find some money here where I work now to top a grant to go to California, I could spend a month working in San Francisco next year...........and that would be SO COOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have to cross my finger hoping to find some money from here!!!

I really need some good news!

update on my allergic reaction

Just a quick update. I think my body is trying to eliminate the poisonous substances (maybe that includes the stress too)...the results is that even if my face is not swollen anymore, my shoulders and back now are full of little red spots...so much that when yesterday I went to a shop to try a dress and I saw it, I got scared and disgusted at the same time.
But it looks like it is slowly getting better.
I didn't buy the dress.
Not because of the red zits that I saw on myself, but because the dress was not looking too good on me.
This morning, my face looks like a rough surface, with a lot of under-skin pimples. But nothing red on my face anymore.
The neck seems ok.
But the whole thing looked quite scary.....

explosion

Lunch time

Yesterday. I stopped to a pharmacy to get some bromelain (the active principle of pineapple) for an inflammation. I don't like to take medications if I can avoid it (and I already had more than two weeks of two different kind of antibiotics in my body), so since back in Italy my medical doctor prescribed me some bromelain for light inflammation, I thought I could use that. I asked to the pharmacist if the package she gave me contained 100% natural bromelain, no chemicals or anything else.
Her answer was:" no, no completely natural, no chemicals, only bromelain"
Me: " are you sure?"
"Yes"

And I bought it. I trusted her. I got home, had dinner and took one pill. In less than 5 minutes the left side of my face felt like it was close to explode. I got a painful, uncomfortable rush everywhere on my face, my neck and my shoulder and then of course I panicked. Apparently, the product she gave me provoqued an alergic reaction. A quite bad one. It took me hours to feel good again, trying to not scretch my face, which was hitching and burning (beside looking quite awful).

Result: I trew away the bromelain package (which was not even as cheap as in Italy), after finding out that of course, it was not only 100% bromelain (stupid me to not check that before). I keep the light inflammation till it will go away by itself and I try to avoid as much as I can to take any medication.
Lesson: if you know that you are sensitive to a lot of things and with the tendency to have skin rushes as soon as your body doesn't like something, don't trust anyone who wants to sell you something, not even a pharmacist with a degree...............

Now my face is fortunately ok again.

how was life before the computer era?

France, afternoon

I managed to spend my week end without starting the computer. And I suffered. I reached two conclusions. One, I am a workaholic and two, I am a computer/internet addicted.
Yesterday morning, since I woke up, I felt the "need" of checking my emails. I had the feeling that I was missing something, like that world would have been collapsing if I wouldn't have checked my emails. Of course, nothing like this happened. And this morning I found in my inbox 34 new emails of which none needed an immediate action.

But still, it is the feeling I get. I wake up thinking I have to work and I have to check my emails. I wonder how long it really takes to slow down and be able to not live in function of my work and not feel guilty for when I do not work. And beside the point of how long it takes, how can I actually get there and fight the addiction to work and to emails? and of course, when I manage to be away from work and computer, it is almost all what I can think about...

What was I doing before to start my PhD and make my life depending on work and internet?
How could I have got to the age of 25 without checking my emails every 5 minutes and without working any single hour?

Does someone else have this problem and especially, was someone else able to break this pattern? and how?

early morning

France, morning

Last night I couldn't sleep that well. Even if I had a lovely evening, once I got back home, I got into the working mood and I couldn't find a way to think about something else. Thus, I couldn't sleep. This morning I woke up really early (6.15 am). I like to sleep in and then relax in bed for a bit.
But this morning, I woke up, had a shower, breakfast and then out. There were not too many people outside yet and the day was promising. A bit cold, but carrying the promise of being a nice sunny day. There were a few people running and everything was going really slow and it feels like I was watching a movie in slow motion. I saw the sunrise and I liked it. I, for a moment, just enjoyed the moment, slowly. It is saturday today and I decided that I will not work this week end. My work is ruining my health. I don't sleep and I have different small annoying health problems every single day, from skin rush to flu. And I am sure, this has something to do with the lack of sleep and especially the too much stress.

So, this morning I slowed down. And I want to keep doing that for at least all this week end. Of course, when I saw those few people running in the morning, I thought that the early morning is so nice, when not too many people are outside and everything looks slow and special that I promised to myself to go running in the morning, at least some mornings, starting next week.

I already know that I can't make it, I am not a morning person, I am more of a howl, but I still like the idea. And maybe once, if I will wake up as early as today, I could even do it.

Have a good, slow, enjoyable week end everyone!

PS. To not have the temptation to just "do something" or "finish something" for work, I will make sure to spend as less time as possible in front of my computer this week end....

couch and surf

France, night

I am smiling! I am seriously smiling! After many "down" post, I thought that it was fair to just write something positive too and since I just spent a really nice evening out with a lot of new people met through internet ((!!!!!!! for my opinion about meeting people trough internet!!!!), but I still have some prejudice about dating through internet I have to admit), I felt I have to post this news here.

I especially met three nice girls (plus the one of yesterday, so they are now four) who asked me to do things together, meet for a coffee, tea, go to see movies together....it was so nice! it was also a good training, because we all tried to speak French since we are in France. It was definitively a good evening and a good experience!

From now on every nice person I will meet in this way I feel I have to keep thanking La Femme for her advice.

PS. I also decided, this week end no work for me!

Here we go again

Francia, morning

I am not sure if Berlusconi is a real clown or if he likes to play that role. I am not sure on how to interpret the joke he made about Obama (he is handsome, young and tan), but in any case, today the Italian newspaper "Il Corriere della Sera" published a beautiful summary of all the really smart and for sure extremely diplomatic actions of the "Cavaliere". I am sorry that it is in Italian. I suggest that you use the google translator to translate it (and if you think that maybe google tranlsated something in a bad way, you may want to consider the fact that instead of a bad translation it just reflects what really happened).

In Italian we would say "ma c'e' o ci fa?"
Meaning "is he really like that or does he just act like that"?

PS. In Italy we all like to joke a lot. True. But this does not mean that we all want to be represented by a clown.
PPS. Berlusconi sometimes should think about the Italian people living abroad and to how difficult it can be for us to explain why he acts like this, like if he just can't take anything serious. I am sure he would have been a great tv comedian.

meeting people through internet...why not?

France, night

I am happy. It is 11.33 pm and I am happy. I laughed together with a complete stranger, we talked about our trips around the world, about her life, my life, the animals I would like to have in my apartment once I would have an apartment for longer than a year, about things we like, about weird cultural habits.
Can I say it? It was just nice and refreshing. I am also always so stressed about inviting people to my place because it is really small and I am a control freak, so I always fear that something would be not in order...but this evening, we went to a cafe and then because the cafe was closing, she came to my place. And we drank tea, eat cookies and we talked more. And yes, my apartment was a mess and I even have the laundry hanging in the middle of my small living room. And still, it was nice. Only one negative thing....my apartment was icy cold, so the poor girl kept the jacket on, even if I had the heat on....

She just left. We will meet again tomorrow with other people. I don't know if we will keep going out together, I hope yes (unfortunately she will leave already in December), but for sure, I enjoyed this evening. And I needed. I left work really down. And now, I am smiling. And I resisted to check an email I got from my ex-boss. I don't need to stress myself out now....

So, two things...maybe I should stop being so negative about meeting people through internet.
And second, THANKS to LA FEMME for suggesting me to register with CS!!!

feels like a blind date

France, evening

I know, I wrote a few days ago that I will be blogging less and spend more time away from my computer, checking emails and so on. I am getting there. Slowly, but I am getting there. First, since next tuesday is holidays here, I will take a long week end away from work. Second, but not related to the first point, I hope it is going to stop to rain that I have the bathroom wall totally wet, I had to leave my bike at work, and it is generally since saturday that it continuously rains cats and dogs.

Beside this, through internet (I know, it is not something I would do.....but what can I do if I really need to make more friends???) I contacted some foreigners who live here and tomorrow I will meet a girl for a drink after work. My first meeting with her. We just exchanged a few emails and she seems nice....so now I am nervous. I want so much to have some friends here, people with whom to do things when we want to, someone nice to talk to, to have fun with, that I am totally nervous...thinking and if she doesn't like me? and if she thinks I am boring? and if I think she is boring? and if we both get bored after two minutes???

It feels like being on a blind date...not that I know how a blind date feels since I never had one....
My friends are people I grew up with, I worked with, I did sport with, something....my friends are someone with whom I had something in common as a start. The common point with this person is that we are both foreigners in France wanting to make friends here....I wonder, can this be a good enough starting point? at least the good part of it is that I don't have to worry about what to wear and how to look since it is not a date....this already takes some stress away from me...

Wish me good luck!

PS. I can't imagine how nervous I will be the day that I will start to date again....
PPS. On friday evening I will have a general meeting with all (or at least the ones who will attend to the meeting) these foreigners...for now there are 20 people registered. Wish me good luck again!!!

and the winner is............

France, morning

He made it!!!! He made it!!!! and at the end Obama won!!! It is a sign that people, especially the Americans who voted him, are ready for a change!

We needed a change. I hoped that this day would come, but I feared that at the end we would have an unpleasant wake up, like when Bush got elected the first time. But no, he got elected!!! I hope that you are all partying out there in the USA....As Piccola wrote, this is one of these moments in which an American should be proud of his/her country!!!

And of course, an article about the position of the new president in terms of science and technology.

change of scenario

France, morning

I am at work, with no desire of doing anything. After being told that I am ugly the other day, now my ex-boss decided to keep beating me up saying that my written English is horrible, wondering how I can have gotten a PhD and generally treating me like an idiot.

I think that this is the right moment to take a break. A break from emails, from internet, from blogging, for bad things, from sadness, from all the people who strongly try to make me feel miserable (which is not that difficult considering my not-self confidence)...So, I think I will be not blogging too much in the next days and I am also thinking of taking some days of holidays.

Beside, I am sick again with a flu :-(

If you want to laugh with Sarah Palin and "Sarkozy"

France, evening

This is funny! At the end of the video you can see other past victims of this "duo"

cooking

France, evening

Why when I cook, I cook like if I would have at least 5 people over for dinner? I just made something quick in the wok and it was so much (and of course, as any good kid, I don't leave anything in my plate) that now I am close to explode....not only I am a really bad cooker, but when I do cook something that it may be good, I make so much of it that by the time I finish it all, I have a nausea!!!!

I am such a disaster in the kitchen!!!

sunday

France, lunch time

Horrible weather outside and I am inside my apartment working. It doesn't even look like it is a sunday. I need a break. I need some holidays. I hope to be done soon with this stupid paper I have to write and to be able to take the deserved break. Then the other coauthors will fight among themselves, since it is quite hard to make everyone happy.

The weather is so awful.....Now I would love to not be so lonely and enjoy the outside rain and wind just being inside a warm place drinking a tea and chatting with a friend or even better a boyfriend :-) ... I think I will hit the gym later, if the wind doesn't flew my away. I can't believe this weather...I wanted to put a link to the live webcam so that who read here can have an idea of this amazing weather, but of course the webcam is not working. Maybe it flew away too with the wind....

PS. can I be scared of this weather even if I am not a child anymore??? it looks really really bad...I hope that the internet connection and the phone will keep working even with this bad weather. I don't think I ever seen anything like this. Maybe I should switch the computer off and just stay inside and read and wait for the weather to possibly improve.

comics Lucca 2008

France, morning

I survived to the night and so did my apartment. I didn't find water in the bathroom, so fortunately the rain didn't pass the walls yet. Now we have a 51 km/h wind. Yesterday was "only" 40 km/h. It may be that if a child or a cat or something light go out is going to flew away.


My mom just sent me some funny picture of the comics in Lucca. Every year, around this time, in Lucca there is a big festival for the Comics. I am not sure if it is the larger in Europe, but it is a pretty big event and it is extremely cool. People are dressed like characters from the comics and then there is a parade, show, comics to buy (especially the really old ones), to sell. It is cool. The costumes they wear are amazing! so well done! There are people coming from all Italy and Europe to see the event. In terms of comics, I am addicted to Calvin & Hobbes.

childish

France, night

Call me childish, but tonight I couldn't handle to go out with my friend after her call this morning. So, I stayed home, writing a letter to a friend, reading, eating, watching some episodes of the 5th season of sex and the city, thinking, reading some more, waiting for the big thunderstorm (which seems to just start) and then in a bit going to bed.

Tomorrow is another day and I will see how I feel. For sure, unfortunately, I have to work, which doesn't make me jumping of joy....and for the rest, we will see. One thing at the time. I really miss my old friends. Yes, sometimes they disappoint me, even a lot sometimes. And sometimes, I disappoint them. But my old friends are still part of my life for a reason. They wouldn't hurt me to make themselves feeling better and with them, I can just be myself...and it feels great. I miss them.

PS. Not related to this post. My mum told me today that the new movie with Elio Germano is out. I want to see it!!! I doubt that it will be shown here....I can't wait to be in Italy over Christmas and watch all the Italian movies (read especially all the ones with Elio Germano) I missed.



PPS. Today I was close to buy the movie with John Malkovich about Klimt. It was just too expensive, so I left it there, but I am going to watch it soon. It is supposed to be a good movie (not really according to the movie database...)! Speaking about hot men!!!

orange alarm

France, afternoon

I just came back from shopping and because my mood was a bit mmmmmm (meaning not that good), I bought a lot of "schifezze" (meaning not really healthy things), which may be not that good for my organism, but for sure they are good for my mood....as I can't improve my mood indulging in chocolate, because I don't like it, I decided to go for some chinese stuff, including the crab chips!!! :-) so good and so unhealthy!!!

I have been told that today we have here an orange alarm, meaning that this wind and the bad weather is nothing and that tonight we will have even stronger wind and a thunderstorm. The "orange" risk level means that it is suggested to not go outside tonight. I hope that my apartment will survive to it and that I will not have water dropping in the bathroom from the walls...If I will be not blogging tomorrow, you will know why then...

not my day

France, lunch time

After being told by a friend that someone told her how ugly I am, now I saw that the yellow humid spot that I found last week in the bathroom became with the late rain and the strong wind an entire yellowish humid wall (the wall is supposed to be white). I wrote again an email to the agency that rent me the apartment and I hope they will send me someone sooner than later. When I went there last week they asked me to sign an official declaration and they told me that they would have sent someone as soon as possible. This was last wednseday. I didn't see anyone yet. And I really hope that someone will come because it looks like it is getting just worse and worse.

It is so annoying...

ugly first thing in the morning

France, morning

...well I just got a phone call from almost the only friend I have here. This morning, she went to the cafe' where we went last week. She was talking about me with the waiters there and they told her that I passed by the other day (I was on my way to the gym), that I said "bonjour" (of course, I think that saying "hi" is the minimum) and that I am ugly. Since she was not sure that she understood well, they said that I am ugly in French and in Spanish, just to be 100% certain that she got the point.
This is already not extremely nice, but it is their opinion. What hurts me is that she called me just now, she told me the story and she remarked the fact of how many times these guys repeated on how ugly I am (and so she needed to repeat it to me too a few times, to be sure I know how ugly I am probably or to be sure that I know that people think I am ugly).
Nice, isn't it?
Everyone is allowed to have its own opinion of course, but someone, a friend tells you that you are ugly as a first thing (she is the first person I talked to this morning) on saturday morning...bah...I was speechless. Why would you do that? why would you say something that can be hurtful to a friend? Maybe I have a weird sense of humor, but if it was supposed to be funny, it was not!