I am 36 and even if I do not have large experience when it comes to relationships and men, I can say that I have a bit of experience on this subject and that my experience is based on a sample size coming from many different parts of the world.
I had few very important relationships in my life. Two with someone from Italy, one with someone from Holland and one with someone from the USA. Plus, I base what I am about to write also on the experience of my girlfriends and sister.
Where are all the men/men gone? I am not talking about the dominant, bossy men, of course.
I am talking about men we could rely on and build something with, without them having a crisis and leaving us, without them not knowing what they really want, without them not being able to decide when it comes to important matters, without them not being able to distinguish between deep love and infatuation.
Of the four important relationship I mentioned before, three of them were with very good, incredible men. And I loved all of them very deeply, even if in a different way. I am someone for whom freedom is one very important value in life. I am someone who not easily gets into a relationship. I am someone who doesn't easily fall in love, and even less is willing to commit. I am complicated and I am very independent. I understand that I am not the ideal "couple" person. But when I am in a relationship, I am 100% in there. And I try, even if I don't always succeed, to work my issues with the other person.
What I am coming to realize lately is that most men I have met, my sister have met, my girlfriends have met are emotionally immature and when it comes to relationships they have no idea of what exactly that means......I think that "us", women, we are more aware of how we feel for someone and what we would like to have with this person. Them...I am not sure. They can love you very much and still not being aware of that or still feel that "it should be different" or still have many doubts on what being together means. I have met a lot of men who are afraid of feelings and strong feelings. And it didn't just happen to me.
I wonder what it is the right strategy to deal with these men. I am not the kind of person who would convince them to be with me or on how they feel for me. I can't be in their minds and know how they feel. And I have too much self-respect to be with someone who is not sure if he wants to be with me or what he wants. But I keep finding myself being asked to invest more than them, running the relationship not as a team but as a carrier, me being sure of what I want and them not being so sure about me/us (and they never know why that). This till the moment the relationship is over and then they suddenly realize that they can't live without me or they want me back. By that time, I am almost always saturated of their insecurities and I am never fully able to trust them that they got emotionally "more mature". I am also very very tired to feel the psychotherapist of every man I am with....because they all have issues......
I have issues too!!! a lot of them, believe me!!!!
But the thing is...if I have issues (or my sister or any of my girlfriends) is "us" being too demanding, irrational, putting pressure on them (men love this!!!!), & company. If they have issues, we have to understand. Or anyway we end up trying to understand because we love them. We have this sick spirit of saving the world.
I admit that I am very good in making relationships difficult and probably most of the women when they love someone feel very insecure (well, me for sure!) that the person they love may leave them. But the thing is. It is many many years that I am having distance relationships (which honestly suck!!!!) and for sure I wouldn't know from where to start if I would have again a "normal"/ in the same place relationship, but I often end up with the feeling of running away from a relationship and just think about myself in a very selfish way because I am sick of the situation and the fact that all the guys I have been with ended up not knowing what they wanted from me and with me.
So, what I got to wonder is: does it exist out there a man who is man enough to know what he wants from the person he is with and honest enough to admit it to himself and tell her? And how come most of my girlfriends, my sister and I keep meeting men who are sentimentally totally immature?
9 years ago