The real me

USA, night

I spent the day relaxing. I did work a bit this morning. I actually managed to finish something that was bothering me since long time, but mainly, I relaxed. I walked a lot, I sat in a cafe' reading a book and drinking a soy latte, I came back to my room and I spent more time sitting in the sun (on the balcony of my room) reading.

I feel that this stay in San Francisco will benefit me probably more in terms of mental health and recovering myself than in terms of work. Not because my work here is not going in the right direction. Work is going the way it should be, hopefully. But because I am really slowing down. After the first two crazy weeks here , and I was totally out of myself because of stress, now in some way, I am recovering. Fortunately. For sure, this amazing weather helps. But together with this, I am basically without cellphone, so none calls me. I am the master of my own time, where I work, it closes around 5pm and by 6pm I am out of there. I walk a lot, I think a lot, I am just with myself. Why all this didn't happen before, while I was in France or even before when I was in Italy, I don't know. Maybe, it was just not the right time.

I feel I am pulling the pieces of myself together. Of course, I still have some very bad day. Some day in which I am down and negative. Some day in which it doesn't matter how beautiful is the weather outside, I just want to hide in bed. But in general, I think I am slowly realizing that I have been very down, very depressed in the last two years because of a together of different causes and now I start to climb up again and learning how to be the real me again.

At work, everyone is surprised because I make smiling also people who normally never smiled at work before. It is good! :-)
I also got some colorful nail polish...it is not really easy to see it from this picture...but I have a bright green on my finger nails and a bright yellow of my toe nails. The yellow looks better! I love it! By the way...the person who gave me the nail polish on my toe nails told me that I have beautiful toe nails!!! I was so proud of my feet!

the movie of my sister wedding

France, lunch time

Last night, before bed, I saw the home made movie of my sister wedding. Amazing, during the real wedding I managed to not cry and yesterday when I saw her with her beautiful wedding dress, I felt tears following down. I have to accept that no matter how strong I want to show I am to the outside world, inside I am a still a kid who believes in fairy tales and an hard core romantic.

The most shocking thing was anyway to look at myself. No matter how elegant I can be dressed, I still manage to walk like a truck driver, which of course does not look like a good combination when you have a nice dress and high heels. Second, my feet are really flat. Flat like a table. There was a point during the after wedding party in which we all danced without shoes and so you see this small girl (me), quite short in fact, with her long long super-flat feet. It is kind of amusing!! My friends always made fun of me for my long feet (you don't need to buy ski, you can just ski with your feet....etc), but I never realized how weird I look when I am barefoot. Ah, my feet size is 40 and I am only 162 cm...I don't know what this corresponds in American measurements.

The other quite shocking, even more shocking thing is that every time I see myself, I am always surprise of how I actually look like. It is like if in my head I have an idea of me that does not correspond to the reality and when I see myself, I can never realize than me and that person are in fact the same thing. It is kind of a difficult feeling to explain and I have no idea of why this happens, but it does...and that small person in the movie looked so helpless. I wanted to go there and hug her...and it was me. I can't think of myself that way. I think I really play the strong one when I actually am not that strong....

It is so weird how hard we are on ourselves sometimes. We love other people more than how much we love ourselves.

SJP and feet

France, night

I am watching Sex and the City, one of the old episodes. I just saw that Sarah Jessica Parker has quite horrible feet, with the big toes completely bended on the inside of each foot.

I still love Sex and the City anyway.

uuuuurrgggggg

France, night

I have this passion for feet (as you can see from the pictures of the left of this blog). For my feet above all, but then I like to look at others people feet too (and comment on them). Feet attract my curiosity.
So, because lately I have problems to fall asleep and because I spend a lot of time in front of the computer (I know, it is bad), I was looking for blogs about feet....and then I found this horrendous, disgusting blog of an Italian guy completely fetish about feet...Urg, it was so horrible. Now certainly I will have more problems to fall asleep.

There are certainly weirdo out there. The main problem is that these people may hide their weirdness quite well and so you start dating them and maybe even like them and maybe even go further and think that yeah, why not, maybe you can have something with him (or her), just to end up realizing that this person is a freak. A freak dressed up as a nice guy/girl....and what to do then? run as fast as you can as far as you can?

I wonder if I am part of the freak category too....probably....I hope at least to not be part of the freaky scary category too....that would be bad.

sex and the city, high heels and addictions

France, evening

That's it. I have to recognize it. I am seriously addicted to sex and the city. Plus, I am a weirdo. As people who got a bit more in contact with me here already noticed (and didn't have any problem in telling me that).
Anyway, since I left my Sex and the city dvds in Italy, I had no choice that looking on internet for video/articles/blogs. I ended up on this blog entry and I thought of me (meaning that I should probably practice following this video and the tips of this blog) and of my sister (exactly the opposite of me. Able to walk on stiletto heels also on the most improbable street). Check it out, it is quite cool

and this is for crying a bit. It is for when you are abroad, alone, thinking of what you miss, your friends, the places you feel home, the people with whom you feel home, the big love, the big fights, the laughs, the hopes, the challenges of a new life. When you see a life passing by and you feel you are not really living it because you have none to share it with. Nothing to say. I am a dreamer and I still dream of lifting my head like at the end of the last episode of SATC and find that right man where I would never expect to see him, there for me. Just because he wants me. And I can watch this video over and over and over.




But the movie...the movie is a diluted version of what it was the tv series. And Big. Come on, in the movie he is too good. He is so good that is not credible. I mean ok that he is in love for Carrie, crazy in love...but he is just too perfect. Even when he doesn't show up at the wedding, actually it was not as bad as he used to be. It was a nice movie and I enjoyed it, but Big changed too much.