Saturday, September 3, 2011

I really need this trip

I am looking forward to my trip in Costa Rica in November. It is not only because I am looking forward to see a new country, to possibly see many cool animals, to discover something I don't know yet, but also because I really need some time out of everything, out of what it is my life right now. And not because I don't like it, but because I keep being overwhelmed by not being able to even rest and enjoy a place. This moving to Portugal is shaking me to the bottom of myself. I can't find a way to be happy and excited as I should be. I keep thinking that I don't want to leave here and my life here. Because even if my life here is not perfect and there is a lot of room for improvement, overall I like it. It makes me feel comfortable. Maybe in a couple of years I would be bored and I would like to move, but for now I feel that I just started feeling home here and I have to leave.
Of course, I could stay here and find whatever job. But then why here? why here versus somewhere in Holland or in San Francisco, which are certainly places that I love more than here. Beside, I invested so much on my work that right now it would be completely stupid to throw everything away to stay here for no reason except that I don't want to move again. If I would have a relationship with someone, there would be at least a personal deep connection here. But there is not even that. I just don't want to move. Simply that.
I don't want to have to think about it, I don't want to get nervous the more the time passes by and I think about all the things that I would like to do here and I am not doing for various reasons. My life is magic and wonderful, but all this moving is making it also very very difficult. It is difficult to keep friendships or relationships with the distance, it is more and more difficult starting over again and again in a new country in a new place and having to re-make a new life there when my old life here is not so bad after all.
I can't get used to the idea of moving and this trip to Costa Rica hopefully will help me to have some time for myself out of everything that now is a source of stress and a lot of thoughts for me.

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