changing socks

Italy, morning

I woke up from a bad dream and now I feel really agitated. Pfff...I hate bad dreams....It was not about work fortunately, but this doesn't make it less awful...

I am trying to work a bit, but I need my strength to find the energy to do something. Anything else seems more appealing. At the end, it is my holidays, even if I have a lot of work to finish still....Another pfff....fortunately I am planning to go for a long walk on the walls with my mom (my home town still has the romanic walls intact. 4.4 km on which we can walk, run, rollerblade, bike, everything).

In the last days I feel really cranky. I have an amazing fear of being substituted in the heart of the people I love and count a lot to me. I have this with my closest friends and I have this if I love someone, even after we take separate ways. I would always like to have a special place in the heart and mind of the people I love. Because I don't feel that special and because my father always used people like disposable objects, I can't stop thinking that everyone (except me of course) is a bit like him, especially if this everyone is a man. Beside my father, who was changing women as often as he changes his socks, also my first boss was always telling me that none is necessary, everyone can be substituted. And this is one of my biggest fear.

It may sound silly, but I invest so much on the people that make a difference in my life, that the idea that for them it is not the same and I can be replaced in their lives by someone else, it makes me suffer. Of course I can dictate other people lives...but still...Arrogantly, I would like to be insostituible in their lives.