New Year's Eve with fever

Italy, evening

I am very happy that the plan for tonight was to have a dinner all together here, at home. At least, I will be able to participate to it, and I hope to not make everyone else sick too......

I got a flu and I have fever....I guess my body is not used to relaxation...so as soon as I tried to relax a bit, I got sick :-(

Happy 2010!!!!

Water, water, water

Italy, night

It keeps raining. It never stopped since this morning. My mom got calls from people she knows asking for help in finding an apartment to rent, while their houses are covered by water.

Beside all these problems, I have to admit that I don't dislike the rain. I actually like walking in the rain and I love hear the noise of the rain on my jacket or on my umbrella. Walking in the rain makes me thinking, and it is perfect when my mood is so and so and I just want to be.

My mood is definitively so and so. It is nice to be at home with my family. It is nice to not have a daily schedule, it is nice to have to work only a little (even if I am not motivated at all and I have to force myself to even do that little), it is nice to finally have the time to just do what I like to (like sleeping a lot for example). But every end of the year makes me in the mood for a balance of the past year, and even if I can't complain about my work in this 2009, I have to add another failure to my list of personal experiences.

I didn't write too much about it before, because I got so hurt by my previous relationship and it took me so much to be even able to think that I could be happier with someone else, than I didn't want to write about it. In this year I felt scared, happy, angry, frustrated, in love, sad, optimist, pessimist, worried, and a lot of other things. I guess that I had too many expectations. I guess that I suffered so much in the past years because of my previous relationship, and I wanted so badly to have something light, happy, and easy, that I was not ready to deal with uncertainties and with anything bad similar to what I experienced in my previous-last relationship. And so, it was intense, like anything that deserves to be called a relationship for me, painful (as it seems to be a necessary ingredients to any of my relationships), and left me empty.

I always wonder how many tears a person can cry. Is it me? Am I too demanding? Am I too independent? Is it because I am not willing to compromise on things that for me are important? why does anyone else seem to find the right person and I don't? why even when I think that I found that person, everything has to be complicated and difficult and it always ends up in frustration on both sides?

I am a very difficult person to fall in love, to find someone I like, but when I do find that person, I want to live the relationship with all myself. And I feel that I deserve that the other person is in there in the same way. I am not easy to compromise, and I am not an easy person to be with. And I know this. But none for sure can claim that I don't give all myself to the person I love, even if I am independent, even if I strongly want to keep my identity and not fuse with the other one.

My friends seem to think that my working-life-style is not ideal for a relationship. I agree with them, it is not ideal. But then what should I do? it is already so hard for me to find someone that could be interesting enough for me to make me desire to be in a relationship with someone else except myself. What should I do? should I say to this person "I am sorry, I feel that we could have something nice together, something more than a friendship, but anything more in not compatible with my life-style and so I am sorry, but I can't"? And this till when? Until I find a permanent job and stopped moving every year? or what should I do? give up my dream job to see if a relationship would go somewhere without the distance? is any of these two options minimally fair?

Is it the new year going to be better?

PPS. After talking over and over with close friends and family, it seems that in the case of this last relationship, a bit more understanding from the other side and a bit more attention to my needs too would have helped a lot. This doesn't solve the situation, and it doesn't make me feel better anyway as the end product doesn't change...but at least I can think that this time, maybe the fault was a lot from both sides. Of course, living in the same place or living closer, would have helped to discuss things in a better way.

Christmas underwater

Italy, morning

I am not sure if this news left the Italian border. But we are underwater here. Not me and my family personally, we live too far from the rivers, the ponds, and the lakes. But a lot of families woke up on Christmas day to find their houses covered by mud and water.

If someone claims that the climate didn't change in the last years, this person has to be blind. One week ago we had so much snow that I can't remember the last time the town was looking like that. It doesn't normally snow here, we are too close to the sea. The temperature was at -5 C. In a couple of days, the temperature raised to +15, with an excursion of about 20 degrees. The snow melted and not only the one in town, but also the one on the neighbor mountains. And it started to rain.....

At the moment it rains again. Strongly. Numerous families are without houses, numerous animals died in the overflow of the river. The highway Firenze-mare has been closed due to the fact that a part of it is now in pieces, due to the force of the water that destroyed it. Images of the tg news last night showed where the highway should have been, even if all what it is possible to see now is just a river.

This may not be related to the climate change, but it looks to me like the weather got crazy in the last years. And of course, the meeting in Copenhagen with the "bigs" of the world didn't really represent any concrete step toward doing something for the environment..........

the appendix

Italy, evening

I went running tonight. Not for too long, but I ran and it made me feel good, like always. So according to my "why not" list, I re-started to run...now I have to manage to keep doing that and to be able to run for an hour. The old Roman walls around my home town are perfect for picking up running again.

I am also proud of myself for my 48 full hours (if not more) without working, and happy that in the last two days I managed to sleep a lot, finally.....I hope to be able to keep doing this for the next days (but unfortunately I have a work deadline on the 4th of January) and then I will hopefully start the new year in a good shape.

I watched this movie the other day, my best friend's girl. The movie is a bit vulgar according to my taste, but the story is not bad...and it got me thinking about how bad-men make the not-so-perfect-men looking almost perfect.
I am not dating anyone (my heart is taken, even if I am alone) like in the movie, so it is not a direct experience, but I can see a lot of men around anyway and I can pay a lot of attention to the boyfriends/husbands of my friends, and.........the movie is right in this:

when you see a bad man, someone you wouldn't like to have as a boyfriend, someone who lacks of attentions and looks annoyed at his partner/wife, someone who behaves like being together is more of an habit than a pleasure and a joy, someone who is in a couple because "at a certain age you have to get married and have kids", or someone who thinks that being alone is like a pest and it is better to be with anyone than alone, when I see these bad-men, the not-so-perfect-men look much much better and more wonderful that they were before.....like if bad-men would have the capacity to cancel the negative aspects of the not-so-perfect-men.

All these bad-men make me think: a) better to be alone than with someone like any of them, b) why do men (especially Italian men) behave often like their girlfriends/wives are a replacement of their mothers?, and most important
c) when I complain about a boyfriend making me feel more like an appendix in his life than a special, unique, irreplaceable person for him, am I asking too much considering the kind of men that I see around or is it mine a legitimate expectation????

The day after Christmas

Italy, afternoon

I survived to the Christmas frenzy. Not only I survived to that, but except for getting quite sick yesterday after lunch and for a couple of bad answers received, I didn't experience any big drama. So, after all, it was not too bad.

And I love the tradition of the Christmas tree, the unpacking of the presents all together (my mom, my sister and I, and this year also my sister's husband), and to go to a movie theater with my mom. It would be my ideal way of spending Christmas eve, but since in the last year, the evening of the 25 of December is still considered a family gathering to be spent in Florence, the movie evening is postponed to the 26. Which means, tonight. Which means, I am very happy about that and looking forward to that. Fortunately, there is a nice cartoon that I would really like to see, The princess and the frog. I heard that it is very nice.

....and I managed to stay more than 24 hours without working at all...A record for this year I would say!!!

Forget and forgive.....Christmas side effect?

Italy, morning

I am enjoying a lot the Christmas atmosphere here in Italy. I am spending a lot of time with my family, I am trying to relax as much as I can with no daily schedule at all, and so, I am happy to be where I am.

One of the good thing that I can really enjoy doing here is to watch all the movies that I want with Elio Germano (which are almost impossible to find in France). Yesterday, I even came across this short-movie (which I have to admit I didn't understand) with him....

On the other hand, one of the not-so-good things of being here around Christmas is that I can't avoid, especially at this time of the year, to leave painful or unclear situations suspended. If most of the time during the year, I just focus on working and I have the tendency to postpone resolving painful situations and not wanting to think about it, when I get at this time of the year, when I slow down, when I feel that I would like to be with all the people I love around me, etc. I can't avoid to think about problematic situation.

Procrastinating in this sense is even more complicated when other people around me, just because at Christmas we have to be better people (why just at Christmas???), call me like nothing bad ever happened between us and expect me to forget the past, forgive anything that needs to be forgiven and play the happy family. I don't like this Christmas side effect. Bad people keep being bad people. I don't believe that anyone can change. Yes, you can try to change and improve your character...but I don't know a single person that on the long run, really changed from what he/she was.
So, when my father yesterday called me out of nowhere, and asked me how I was doing and for the first time in ages he actually listened to my answer, when my grandmother told me that my father went food shopping for her (as it snowed a lot here and she couldn't go out), thing this that he has never done in his entire life, I started to wonder if this was just one of his numerous tricks to convince people to forgive him and forget the past, for then throw them (us) away again when he feels like.

I would really like to be able to believe that he could change and be a better person, someone who actually cares about someone else except himself. But I can't. I stopped believing in fairy tales long time ago, and if I am cynical, it is also thanks to him. I like the Christmas atmosphere, but it doesn't have all this power on me to make me believe that Santa Claus exists and that miracles do happen sometimes......

Christmas is all around

France, afternoon

So, it is a fact, Christmas is all around. People mostly talk about what to do, what to buy, what to give, when to leave to meet with the rest of the family...and all around there are Christmas trees, and Christmas markets, and Christmas decorations....

And some people classically at this time of the year feel blue. I love Christmas. Not so much the day of Christmas, but the preparation, the atmosphere, the expectation, in some ways it brings me back to when I was a kid. But it is also true that Christmas is the time in which if you don't have a special person in your life, if you don't have a great relationship with your family, and in general if you feel alone, everything gets amplified. I read once that the higher number of suicides during the year is exactly between Christmas and New Year. The fact is that you (or at least I, and as me also a lot of other people that I know) feel that you have to be happy around this time. So, if there is something wrong in your life, it just became more evident. And just more sad. One of my best friends always hated Christmas and got very down around this time. Now she has her own family, so I hope that this year will be better for her.

But I can't stop thinking about all the people that are alone, all the people that for one or another reason cannot be with their loved ones. I got an email from a friend of mine the other day. He wrote me that Christmas time makes him feeling very sad, because if he always more or less manages to cope with the fact that since quite sometime he doesn't have a girlfriend, around Christmas he only notices happy couples....And I met this old lady on the street today. She asked me if I was going back to Italy to celebrate Christmas and I said, yes of course. And she told me that her daughter will not visit her because "she has too much work to do" and because "she doesn't like here, she thinks that Paris is much better" and she concluded "I will celebrate Christmas with my cats". She looked like she was used to this, no news there. Maybe I am over-sensitive, and for sure I get over-sensitive around Christmas time, but I felt like hugging her. Come on, Paris is only four hours from here and her daughter cannot find a day to visit her mother during Christmas time?

Last year my Christmas-New Year was horrible. I was very, very down, and I just wanted to be...instead, because of family reunions, and I didn't want to upset my family etc, I had to try to smile and get along, even if I didn't really feel like (I have to admit that I didn't succeed very well in faking my mood)....

I love Christmas, but I always get to this time of the year very tired....and feeling lonely...I am looking forward anyway to go to Italy and hug my mom, my sister, and my grandma.

And if you feel a bit blue, just check out this great Christmas song :-) (from the movie Love Actually).

King of California

France, night

When I got the movie "sunshine cleaning" the other day (a movie that I liked a lot), the guy at the dvd store suggested me to watch "King of California". I was not too convinced, but then tonight I felt for a movie and I thought, why not?

This movie is more than nice. It is sweet and warm, without being too much in any sense. It is not just a comedy. It is a movie that touched me. It is about dreaming, even when it seems silly. It is about believing in someone and something. It is not a pretentious movie, with unbelievable characters. Yes, the characters are weird, but along the movie you get the chance to became affectionate to them. It is a movie that made me feel wanting to hug Michael Douglas at the end. And he is great in his acting here!!!!

I love the parallel of how the places and people look like in the historical diary and in current times in the movie...

I don't think that everyone would like it. It is not a typical comedy, it is not a fast catchy movie where a lot happens. I wouldn't suggest it to anyone in my family for example. But I really got attached to the characters (I know, it sounds weird).....

The end of the game

France, morning

I forgot to say that they killed me....In the office...and the whole thing was really funny. I actually enjoyed being killed.

The guys (the other team) found out where I work, called the office to make sure that I was there, and then waited for me to send a post on the game list to know that I was sitting in front of the computer.

Then they came to the office and they splashed me....but the most funny part of it, funny at least for me, is that they made a mistake first and they splashed someone else, with quite some water...so when they got to me, there was not too much left over...The day after I got killed, a friend of mine wrote me an email saying: I think I got the water that was for you". Apparently, this guy who never saw me before, thought that she was me. He even asked her if she was me and she said no....but he didn't believe her....so, he splashed her.....I am not sure if she wants to hang around with me anymore :-), especially if I would play this game again.....

Yesterday (to celebrate the end of the game? to celebrate Christmas getting closer? for no reason?), I invited a few people to my place and I made a few cakes. I hate cooking, but I love making cookies and cakes and in general sweet things. I made a very good tiramisu'....of course, I couldn't try it, because I can't have milk products, but the others liked it a lot. So I thought of leaving my tiramisu' recipe here....I wanted to make an upgrade version with the chocolate, but I forgot the chocolate melting on the stove...and it burned....

I realized something....getting older means that if you go to bed at 2am, in the morning you look (or at least I look) like a truck drove over me a couple of times....

I will call my tiramisu', Tuscan Tiramisu':
-500 gr Mascarpone (which is an Italian creamy cheese)
-4 eggs
-5 full large spoons of sugar
-coffee
-Pavesini (the pavesini are the best cookies to make tiramisu', but the lady fingers would do too)

Mix in one bowl the mascarpone with the sugar, and the yolk of the four eggs. Mix it till you get a creamy product.
In another bowl mix the egg white of 3 eggs till you have a consistent white product (how do you call this in English? In Italian we say: montare le chiare a neve"). Throw the egg white of the 4th egg. Mix this compound to the creamy product.

Prepare the coffee, put it on a soup plate, and add a tea spoon of sugar to it.
Pass each cookie quickly in the coffee. Let the cookie absorb the coffee, but don't let it soak in the coffee. Pass one cookie in the coffee and put it in the container, another cookie in the coffee and then in the container. Use a large container, like the ones for the oven, and start filling it with one layer of cookies, then one layer of the compound (creamy+egg white), then cookies again, then the compound again, till you have about 2-3 layers (more, it gets too heavy). End up covering it with some chocolate powder.

I hope that my explanation is clear enough....
Enjoy it and let me know if it came out well!!!

You are becoming an ugly person

France, night

Yesterday my sister's husband told me after lunch that being alone, without a boyfriend here, without a regular, normal relationship, living alone and liking my life alone, I am becoming an uglier person.

And he didn't mean uglier for the way I look (beside the fact that I don't shave my legs since a couple of weeks, and I am sure that if someone would see that, he wouldn't think that it is very nice), he really intended as a person. I am becoming, according to him, a worst person because I spend too much time on my own and I actually like it. He left me speechless. First, because I don't think that it is absolutely true, but of course, I may be quite biased about that. Second, because I was so surprised by what he said to even think that he would deserve a reply on the topic.

Today, when this topic came out again, he said that what he really wanted to express was that the longer someone lives alone and likes it, the more difficult will be to compromise and have a relationship. Which may well be. But I am not sure that being with someone just for being with someone who lives here would be a good solution either. Or that would make me happier than I am.

I am 34 years old and I still have people who tell me how I should live my life, what I should do to improve it, or that prefer to not talk about divergent opinions on things. Which would be ok if these people would have an idea of who I am as a person, what I think and what my dreams are. It is not ok when what I do or think is making me a worst person because I don't follow the general standards.....

How many people can say that they are living the life that they wanted to live? of course, it is not perfect. Of course, sometimes I feel very lonely and I miss that special person who looks at me like there are not coolest person in the world and makes me feel that after all I don't really come from Mars and that even if I would, it wouldn't actually matter to him. Of course, I miss that. And I miss to hide in the arms of my love when I feel like. And I miss my old time friends. And I start to deal not so well with the uncertainties of this job and the idea of having to start my life again maybe in another place. Of course, I would like to have more time for myself. Of course, some days I am very very scared and pessimistic. Of course, I feel all this and more.

Would I like to change my life if I could? NO.
Would I like to change the way I am, especially lately, if I could? NO
Would I like to change my job if I could? NO

And so why people before to give me advices on what I should do to improve my life, don't take the same time to try to see who I really am, what I like, and what my dreams are?
Why do I get frustrated when these people give me advices about things without considering if I am really happy or not with what I have? Because I care about them and their opinion, and in my mind I still hope one day to be able to share my dreams and my ideas with these people and that they will be able to love me for whom I am and not just because they are part of my family or because they need me in their lives.

The right attitude

France, night

I am convinced that you need the right attitude for anything in life you want to achieve. If you want to kill someone, you have to feel like a hunter, wait for your pray patiently and then attack at the right time and the right moment.

And if you have to write, I believe that you need these special ingredients: good music that would inspire you (I can't find any inspiring music tonight....no matter how much I want to get into the right attitude), right environment (right light [not too bright, not too dim], comfortable place to write [not too comfortable otherwise there is always the risk to fall asleep]), a good cup of tea [or coffee in case you really need help to keep your eyes open], and comfortable clothes.

My comfortable house clothes are, according to all the people who had the chance to see me in those clothes, very awful. Very warm and comfortable, but apparently also very ugly (ok, but nothing even close to this orange dress of the picture). I wonder if I would live with someone one day (and I don't mean just a friend), how I could avoid after a while to slip back into my comfortable extra-large shapeless poncho, my large shapeless training suite pants, my tick socks, and my sleepers.....I think that this will be the real test to see if the person loves me. If he can stand this and still desire to kiss me and touch me, then it has to be true love.

Anyway, I am getting out of the track. The point is, I have everything tonight. The right environment, the right clothes, the tea, I am surrounded by books to help me writing, I may even have found the right tunes to have as a background to write, and????

Nothing...no motivation and no inspiration (and I don't mean to write this blog. I mean to write something for work, which in my mind had to be done by tomorrow).....I even missed a party to stay in and write this thing....

I wonder how the writers cope with the lack of inspiration.....maybe they never lack inspiration....

Hunting and being hunt

France, evening

Les Assassins, the killers, started last night at midnight. Two girls of my team have already been killed. None of the other team (men) has been killed...yet....

Well, I have been out hunting this evening. The plan was perfect. I was with a girl of my team. The location was perfect. We had a partner to help us knowing the movements of this guy of the other team....so, we sat in our hiding place and we waited. My hiding place was one of these small plastic houses for kids. I am small, so I could fit in there. My team-mate was hiding at the bottom of some stairs. It was freezing cold outside (and in the plastic house too) and very very humid....but it didn't matter so much, we were on a hunting territory, completely equipped with our water guns and ready to run if necessary to hunt down the enemy.

The truth is:
a) Being in a place without moving and without making noise is not in my DNA....I have to move...and when you are in a small kid house is not that easy....

b) I am just too clumsy and I shouldn't put myself in hiding place which would require a minimum of agility to get out quickly.

After an hour and half waiting in the cold, I got to think that maybe there was a secrete exit from where this guy escaped....but no, here he was.....I was ready. I was ready. I was ready....Adrenalin running....gun in my hand.....more than ready....I let him stepping a but further, so that I could get him from the back....3-2-1......GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....

What happened? To get out of the small kid house, I hit with one of my foot the door of the house, I tried to not fall on my face, stepping a bit ahead and making a lot of noise, the guy heard me and escaped running, I tried not to fall, I lost my glasses and I got smashed on the floor....

This is the diary of my first hunting experience in this game...very successful....too bad nobody was there filming...I am sure that the whole scene would have been very funny to see....

PS. It could even be that after this very intense experience tomorrow my team-mate and me are going to be sick due to the hour and half spent in the cold without moving that much.....

The assassins

France, night

I am afraid I went a bit too far....from crossing the safe-known area of hanging around only with people I know, to meeting new people, to participate to some crazy game....

In this case, the crazy game being called "The assassins"....a pretty innocent game, considering that you can kill or get killed by being splashed with some water (the amount of water is not well established)....innocent enough that my first thought has been "this sounds cool" and the second thought has been "this makes me feel like I am a child again"......

....all this until this evening when I read the rules...which basically consist of....no rules.....which means I can't be safe either at home or at work, because the assassins of the other team will know where I leave and where I work and any time and place will be good to kill/splash me.....this is fine except in two situations:
1) when I am with my computer, which for me is like having a child
2) when I am in my office with my colleagues and people I work with and the last thing I would like to happen is that some crazy assassin walks in and splash me in front of them.....

Too late now to back up.........I just have to wish to kill/splash before to get killed/splash and that when I will get killed/ splash is not going to be in my office......

Wish me good luck....so far for lightening up and having some childish fun.....

Love, love, love

France, morning

Last night I crossed out one of the things from my "why not?" list. I met a lot of new people. I went to two different Thanksgiving parties and I enjoyed both of them.

But I also felt very sad. At both these parties there were couples who were looking at each other with hearts in their eyes. Both couples were looking at each other in a way that from the outside looked a lot like "the world could fall apart, but I am happy because I have you".
I felt very very jealous. It was in both cases a very strong happy bound to look at and it was shocking for my deep cynical view about relationships. These couples are not even new couples, they are in both cases together from sometimes. In one case they are even married from sometimes. And from the way they looked at each other, they were in their own exclusive world.

I can't remember the last time I have been in a drama-free relationship, a relationship in which not only I felt happy and light, but I also felt that anything could happen and I would still be happy because I was not alone. I can't remember the last time I saw the look of love, admiration, the look of "I am in the right place with the right person and I am fully happy" in the eyes of the person I loved at that time. It has been long time anyway.

Getting closer to Christmas doesn't improve the way I feel. 99% of the times I am totally happy with my life. But there is that 1% of the times in which I wish I could have that again, a happy, drama-free, light relationship. One of these relationships that makes me feel that I walk 10 meters above the ground. One of these relationships who makes me feel smiling, with a silly smile, from morning to evening without a specific reason, but just because I am happy.

Sometimes I wonder if I will have something like that again. Something that doesn't have to come with a heavy baggage, something that makes me smile all day long for no reasons, except that I have my own happy world with someone else.

why not?

France, afternoon

I had a week of traveling across western Europe, so I had a lot of time to read. In Amsterdam, at the American book store, I bought the November issue of Self, an American magazine that I like (even if I prefer Shape) and that always cheers me up and makes me feel I want to move and exercise more.

There was an article in the issue of Self that I bought about making a "why not?" list of all the things that we would like to do and we always postpone for whatever reason....
Here my list of "why not?"
How long will take me to cross out all these things?

1) Find a course of street dance and learn some moves

2) Learn Dutch (I always start some self-teaching course and never manage to keep going)

3) Get out of the comfortable zone of the few people I know here and meet more people

4) Stress less and force myself to meditate (I need to find a class on how to meditate first)

5) Take a singing course (I can't carry tunes, so this is a real challenge...but I love singing)

6) Learn how to play the saxophone

7) Re-start running and get able to run for an hour again

Anyone who wants to make a "why not" list too so that we can motivate each others???

Science and being an escort

France, evening

First, escort sounds much nicer than a prostitute....even if at the end the job is the same....
Second, everyone working in an academic environment knows how difficult is to find the money to keep doing research, especially if this research does not have or give an immediate profit to someone and does not have an economic value.
Third, I thought myself over this summer that if I wouldn't have found another contract, I would have looked for a job in a disco or pub or a dancing place....which of course it is very different than being an escort, but it also gives you much less money.....
So, I just read on the newscientist the story of a girl with a PhD who to keep working on what she liked and it was her passion (she reminds me of someone) decided to work as an escort...at the end you have to live out of something, pay the rent etc......
I admire her gut...I mean not every men you would meet as an escort would turn out to be Richard Gere, right?

Is it too late too dance?

France, night

Too late meaning too late in life. Something like, is it written somewhere than in your twenties you are supposed to go out and dance and in your thirties you are supposed to go out and have dinners? Why not doing both???

I can't manage to find anyone, absolutely anyone of the people I know here to go out dancing with. Should I start to go out with people 10 years younger than me? If I propose to go out dancing, even to people who claim to love dancing, the answer I get is always ranging from "I am too tired" to "why don't we meet for a dinner all together instead?"........

Dinners are fine ok. I am not crazy about them. I also feel that I am such a problem with my allergy to cow milk products (all of them), not liking pork and cow meat......Being invited for dinner always makes me feel uncomfortable. Dancing instead makes me feel fully energetic.
I am working like crazy non-stop. Even when I go to bed I think about work (very unhealthy, I know) and I wake up thinking about work. I need a distraction, a real distraction. One of these things that do not allow me to think at all. Running is one, but with this lump that appears and disappears I don't feel like running too much....Scuba diving is another (not very doable now and there is only sand around here)....Sex is the other (no chance for that either)....and dancing is one of the top relaxing things for me....that would be doable....but should I go alone??? I mean, it is true that I actually dance alone, but it is not too much fun to go alone......

How can it be that I can't find people around my age who like something else beside eating and drinking at home or in restaurants???? I need my sister and my cousin here.....without men.....that would assure me some fun probably!!!!

Proud of being French

France, morning

I am not French. I am Italian. So, this post is not about me. It is about all the French people who think that France is the best country in the world and "pure" French are the best human in the world.

I think that being nationalist is a good thing. Italians are not too nationalists and it is a pity....we have a lot of things to be proud of. Americans are generally quite nationalist, but not quite like the French!!!

Birthday party last night. 12 people invited. Nine French, one Italian (me), one person from Thailand, and one from Iran. I speak and understand French, generally. I don't get anything if nine people talk all together in different French accents/slang/dialects. The evening started then with me being an object of fun for my incapacity of understanding everything all the time. As I am in France since a year and some months now, I should master the language and any of its nuances. I don't. Point taken. Apologies for that. Making fun of my incapacity to understand absolutely everything was funny for a couple of minutes. Then it got annoying.

My level of being annoyed was not that high anyway at that point, but progressively increased with the time passing by. I don't like when people talk by stereotypes. I don't like when people speak very very bad about others that are not there. I am not politically correct and my stay in the USA didn't change that. But I also don't like to make very bad comments about other people. Again, you can make a funny comment once and it is ok. Talking badly about the same person for longer than that is just mean.

So, it went from someone who was too hairy and stingy to a comment on how Jews are stingy (I wonder how many Jews they met to say this).
- First: bad comment about the Jews.

Then Carla Bruni vs. Monica Bellucci. Monica Bellucci has too much breast. Not very sensual. From there to: Japaneses women do not have shape at all. No breast, no butt, nothing.
- Second: bad comment about the Japaneses.

UK. The only good thing that the UK have is London, which is good because it is full of French. British are all ugly because they just have body with no muscles and they have such a white skin.
- Third: bad comment about the UK and the British.

Then the conversation moved to a competition about the shortest penis in the world. Of course, French are on average the best equipped. The fact that black men have good attributes is just a legend, based on experience it is just not true and in bed they suck.
- Fourth: bad comment about black men.

The French are of course not only the ones with on average the best attributes, but they are also generally better. The men with the shortest penis in the competition were certainly Americans. Even if apparently the men with the shortest penis on average in the world are Asian.
- Fifth: bad comment on American and Asian men.

From there one guy went on making very bad, heavy comments about one of my friends (not knowing that she is a good friend of mine), to which point I got very very annoyed. I should just not care about it. But I have friends in a lot of different places in the world and I met a lot of people of a lot of different nationalities and I have been living in a lot of different countries. I can find the good and bad everywhere and I can find the good and bad in people from any nationality. Personally, as I wrote here a lot of times, I find French men generally very unattractive. But this is just me. And for sure it is not a stereotype and it is based on the French men I meet and met here. It is not a nice comment, but it is at least based on my personal conception of it. As well as the fact that a lot of French don't shower enough. At least, I experienced that.

But this nationalism that a lot of French have (fortunately not all of them) to think that they are much better of the rest of the world.......I stand it very badly.....

After all, it was an ok evening. I ate some very good crepes that the host made especially for me with soya milk and no butter and not everyone was following the trend of speaking very bad about other people who we all know and were not there or other countries. So, it was ok. But I wish people would pay more attention to cultural differences and invest a bit more in learning about people who are different from what we know. There is so much to learn from others and other cultures!

Whatever works

France, evening

I finally saw the latest Woody Allen movie, after I heard so much about it. People have been telling me that this is the best movie Woody Allen made, that it is so funny, that it is absolutely a movie to watch.

I just finished to watch it and I feel I should watch it again. It goes on very fast and you get to the end, or at least I got to the end, and I felt like "bah, ok, dunno". Did I like it? I don't know.

For sure it reminds me a lot of my interaction with a person closed to me. Me, like the young girl in this movie, very colorful, always wearing improbable things, feeling sunny; him, afraid of germs, diseases, what it could happen, a lot of deeps thoughts. Two quite opposite views that attract each others. Like in this movie. I agree with the way of thinking the main character expresses at the beginning when he talks to his wife: "we match so well, that rationally is perfect".

Apparently as this movie shows, rationality when it comes to love and relationships is not all. But, whatever works.....isn't the general philosophy of this movie a selfish way to look at things? yes, great in this movie at the end everyone is happy....but when does this happen in the real world? who would say after breaking up with someone, ok, we have been very happy till worked and now it is right that we follow whatever works for each of us? In this movie, it looks a lot like: it worked until it did and then he didn't work anymore, because it didn't mean to be anymore. As the main character says: love is not forever. Love it is not what moves things, except in a few cases.

I think that I am still a romantic girl in that sense.

But at the end......it is true....sometimes we break our heads over things and we don't realize that we just have one life and it is just up to us to make ourselves happy.

So, as Boris says at the end of the movie: That's why I can't say enough times, whatever love you can get and give, whatever happiness you can filch or provide, every temporary measure of grace, whatever works.

I found the movie funny and sad at the same time (in a classical Woody Allen style).

No stress and no fibers

France, evening

It may sound like a very strange combination, stress and fibers, but this is what the specialist (a gastro-enterologist) who saw me yesterday told me to avoid for a couple of days (well the stress for longer)....I don't know why, but it seems that every time I have something that goes out of what it is normal, doctors get lost in finding what to do with me. I definitively need the Dr. House around here!

However, here it is how the story went.
Lunch with a friend on wednesday last week. At the end of the lunch I felt very bad, like if my belly was at the point to explode. So, I quickly paid, said goodbye and decided to relax in front of the computer...since when sitting in front of the computer at work is relaxing..... Anyway, in about an hour I had a lump popping out more or less where the sternum is. I am hypochondriac, but even without that, I am sure I would have got worried.
I called my general doctor for an appointment. She was not there, but the substitute could see me in an hour. I went and she told me that she could feel the lump too and if I abuse of alcohol, which I don't. Do you smoke? no. Do you have a diet with a lot of fat? no.
So probably it is nothing too serious, but I should get a sonogram, start a treatment for a gastritis and that possibly I could have a hiatus hernia.

All this out of nowhere in about an hour time in which I have been only eating and sitting in front of the computer? Come on. I did worse things than that in my life and nothing happened!!!

Anyway, completely freaked out, crying and imagining myself not being able to dance anymore (very important point), run, using my cool scooter and rollerblading (all essential things) I got the sonogram the next day. The doctor giving me the sonogram went: ah, good, good, everything ok, liver is ok, pancreas is ok, there are not tumors or things that could look bad...................................................and I didn't hear the rest....

Tumors???? from where this come from??? I didn't even think about that. And he continued: no but look, it is good, because there is nothing, so don't worry, everything looks ok from here.....

I left the place totally spaced out and went back to my general doctor. Her: ok, so it doesn't look like a hernia. I think it is gastritis. Are the pills working?
Me: How can it be a gastritis if I have none of the symptoms? and not, the pills are not working (but in a day what can you expect???)...
Her: ok, you should see a gastro-enterologist for an endoscopy....but don't worry, I am sure that it is nothing bad.
Me: ah, yes, yes....

Got the appointment with this specialist for monday, yesterday. Of course, as the lump I have comes and goes, when I went there, it was not there (it has its own life I think)...so this specialist told me:
Him: Why did the doctor mentioned a hernia if there is no chance that this is a hernia?
Me: eh?
Him: is not a hiatus hernia because you couldn't feel it from outside in the shape of a lump like you said, it is inside. And there is no hernia from the sonogram.
Me: good.
Him: do some abdominal.
Me: eh?
Him: some abdominal, without using the hands.
I did
Him: good muscles. So, you can't have any external hernia, because it doesn't pop out if you do the abdominal.
Me: good.
Him: why did the doctor give you these pills if you have no symptoms of gastritis?
Me: that is what I said too.
Him: so stop that.
Me: ok, so what is it this thing?
Him: no idea. But it is nothing to worry about for sure. Do you stress a lot?
Me: yes
Him: like recently or on a regular base?
Me: on a regular base, with peaks, some of which recently.
Him: do you eat a lot of fruits and vegetables?
Me: yes, basically I live out of that.
Him: ok for 3 days no fibers at all, especially no fruits and vegetables and no stress. This should improve already some of the problems and for the lump, I have no idea what it could be. If you don't feel better in 15 days, give me a call. And take also these pills that they also give to babies, they are light but they can help your stomach.

So, now I am here and I am already puzzled of what I am going to eat in the next two days, as I had rice yesterday, a breakfast in which I couldn't avoid fibers, lunch with a sandwich with no high fibers bread, no vegetables, just goat cheese and oil and a dinner with boiled potatoes and eggs. I am already quite bored...and I feel the same.

Of course, since I should try to not get stressed, today I got even more stressed than I normally am, absolutely for no reason.....

Next time I have a health problem, I am going to find out my own treatment....in any case what the substitute of my general doctor told me when I saw her was quite random anyway, so I may well find a cure faster on my own.....

I am on a high carb diet......................not really my ideal.....

Old movies

France, evening

I got addicted to old movies. Scott tried to convince me why old movies are so good and why he likes them so much in any possible way. Maybe because I felt pushed by him and I normally do the opposite thing when I feel pushed, I never appreciated old movies so much when I watched them with him.
Now that I can chose on my own which movie to watch and when, I am exploring as much as I can this new world. And I love it!
I remember when my grandmother was telling me that Tom Cruise was not such a good actor, as Cary Grant or Gregory Peck etc. And I was looking at her thinking "what are you talking about". Now, I can see her point! These movies don't have big Hollywood effects, but the stories are good, the actors are great and they also have the right rhythm to capture me. Of course, I don't like all old movies. As I don't like all current movies. But I like to seat on my couch and forget about the rest of the world to just enjoy my movies!!!

In the last days I saw a few Hitchcock movies. So good. The one that I saw tonight has H. Fonda in it. He acts so well. And of course, some of these actors are so good looking too that as MissB pointed out to me in her comment to one of my past blog entries, it would be nice to have more Gregory Pecks around right now :-). And the thing is, the more old movies I watch, the more I want to watch. My grandmother and I just talked for half an hours this afternoon about her favorite actors of her time, the movies she likes etc.

I have to recognize that I should thank Scott for starting me on this, which is becoming more and more a very enjoyable hobby!

And the thing that amazes me most when I think about is that not too long ago the movies were still in black and white. The movie I saw tonight was made in the 1956. About 50 years ago only and it was in black and white. Since then, we had movies in colors and movies with incredible effects. In less than 50 years. Isn't that amazing and very impressive?

I am very impressed!!!

In search of the perfect match

France, lunch time

The other day I was having a coffee with some girls who work with me and we got to talk about age and time to have kids. I know, this is the scary age in which women think too often about time going by.
Anyway, there was this girl who said that she strongly would like to have a kid as soon as possible. She even would have wanted it with her previous boyfriend if he was in agreement with that and then she concluded saying "it was good that I didn't have kids with him, he was not that good looking"....thinking that if the kids would have looked like him, they would have been not very nice looking kids and then adults.

So I got to wonder, how many women do think this way? that the father of your children should be a lot of good things among which also objectively good looking to pass the "right genes" to the kids. And then, while some women select for a good looking man to have kids with, do other select for intelligence? sense of humor? health? beside all this sounding quite unromantic, I guess it is not a totally wrong way of thinking. I mean, a lot of animals behave this way all the time when looking for a partner from which to have babies...just think of how anonymous are often female birds and how beautiful and colorful are males of the same species. But I mean, in the animal kingdom, humans are the ones who can fake things better.

I have to admit that the only person with whom so far I considered that in the future (far future) I could have children with is a person that I consider incredibly attractive for the way he looks and I always thought of how cute his kids would be. So, yes, I guess that in the rare occasions in which I think about the possibility of one day having a kid, I think about how they would look too. But not only. I more often think that it would be much more important to find the best match in terms of having the healthiest kid as possible.

If it would exist the possibility to get a genetic screen (they exist, but of course only for some well known disease) for a couple considering to have children, would you take it? would you like to know if you and your partner would be a good combination in terms of having "good kids"? and then if they would tell you that if you have kids they would have the 50% chance of having some health problem, even if not a very impeding one, just annoying for the kid, what would you do? still go on and have kids with this person?

I like to know things, to understand more about life, this is why I am a scientist. But sometimes I think that we go a bit too far, that we feel a bit too powerful, that we think that one day we can get to control the nature. Don't take me wrong, I think that genetic screening and checks to make sure that the kid is healthy are important and necessary.
But when we go on and we plan to have the "perfect kid"....well that is going a bit too far....isn't it? on the other hand...life is hard enough, and if you could do something to make the life of your kid easier (because they are extremely healthy, because they look good, because they are very smart), wouldn't you do it???

I think it is just all about where to set the limit...and limit sometimes can be very very flexible...but for what it concerns me, if one day I would decide to have a kid, I would just like to know that he/she is healthy and then leave to nature the power to do the rest!

Office rules

I am at work and my stomach is upset. Why is my stomach upset? because of the smell that is in my office.
I am trying to be a very good colleague. When they are dissecting mice, and there is a smell of rotten meat everywhere, I just shut up, open the window and mind my own business as much as I can. When in the summer, someone comes to work without showering in three days and smells like a goat, I open the window and try to not focus on it. I also always ask how it is going, bring cookies and show a bit of interest in my colleagues' lives.

However, in the fall or winter, being a good colleague is harder for me. I have a very sensitive nose, which means that I can easily pick up different smells and if I don't like it, my stomach gets immediately upset. In fall or winter, being colder outside, my colleagues don't like if I open the window....it is thus difficult being polite and try to explain them why I prefer feeling cold or wearing something more and having the window open than the opposite.

...and then I wondered....how are my body creams smelling??? I hope that they do not smell too strong or bad....I always have some body cream on me...

men of other times

France, night

I just finished to watch the movie "To kill a mockingbird". Not only I loved the book, but I loved the movie in the same way. Some old movies are so good, that they are just not comparable with any recent Hollywood movies....

and let's say the truth....where did men like Gregory Peck and Humphrey Bogart disappeared? There is no Brad Pitt or George Clooney that could stand the comparison.....Gregory Peck and Humphrey Bogart were gentlemen with a lot of charm.

I am planning to watch many more movies with these two actors...

cookies with almond flour

France, afternoon

I am a disaster in cooking. I guess that anyone reading this blog knows this. But, I am pretty good in making cookies, pies, cakes. And because we are in autumn and because it is not so hot anymore and because it is just nice to be at home on the week end with a cup of tea and some cookies, and because I love the small of cooking cookies, I decided to try a new recipe and make some cookies for myself.

They are still in the oven, so I can't say anything about the result, but so far the smell is very very good....I am making some coffee to try them with it as soon as they are ready.

I leave the recipe here if someone else wants to try it (and maybe also give me some advice on how to improve it, to change it):

Ingredients:
200 gr normal flour
300 gr. almond flour
200 gr. sugar
250 gr. butter or margarine
3 eggs
10 gr. baking powder

Prepare the oven at 180C. Melt the margarine in a pot and mix it with the rest of the ingredients. Mix well and let the dough rest for 30 min. Put some flour and some margarine on a cooking tray on which to put the cookies to cook. Since the dough is pretty sticky and since I don't have any nice shape for the cookies, I just spooned a bit of dough on the cooking tray. Let them cook in the oven until they start to get a golden color. Take them out and leave it out for a bit before to eat them.

I know, the description doesn't sound very professional. I just got the first cookies out of the oven...they look a bit like in the shape of a madeline, but they seem quite good...I am going to try them in a bit...

PS. I just tried the cookies...they are VERY GOOD!!! Gnamm!!!

The giant moth

France, night

I like animals. I love animals, actually. Well, of course, not all of them. But most of them.
A giant super-sized moth flu into my apartment tonight. I was on my couch, getting in the mood of going to bed when I started to hear this sound like if an electric plane was flying in my apartment.
It wasn't an electric plane, it was an undescribed object of unclear origin.

After visualizing myself sleeping with that object falling on me during my deep sleep, I decided to declare a war to it. Uncaring of the freezing cold, I opened all the windows and the door hoping that it would flu away. Of course, it didn't. It was warm inside the apartment, cozy, with some light and a nice atmosphere. I truly strongly hoped that a super-sized gecko would walk into my apartment too and eat that. But it is definitively too cold for geckos now.

So, it was just me and the monster. A quite beautiful monster to be honest. But a beautiful giant monster that I didn't want to have flying around my head while sleeping. I got the broom and started to run around following the animal....without success, except making it flying much faster and in a much more in a crazy random way, and making myself having some healthy gymnastic.

It got also very close to hit my cup of tea in the crazy ran. I couldn't tolerate the possible vision of the beautiful giant swimming in my tea. So, I got a couple of neurons in my brain to work and I switched on the lights closer to one the window. And then, like if I was playing baseball and getting warm with my bat, I directed the monster toward the window. Instead of flying, the tired animal decided to just sit on the broom....which worked out anyway for me, as I deposited it outside my apartment.

Now, I changed my cup of tea (you never know what it dropped in it). I will sip a bit of that and hopefully have a restful night of good sleep!

men for sale

France, lunch time

I am back to France. I have been traveling so much for work in the last weeks (and I will have to travel more in the coming weeks) that I feel a bit lost and very very tired. In any case, I enjoyed any place I have been and I met a lot of cool people. So, overall, beside the time spent on the train, on the plane and at various airport, I am happy.

I also had a chance to dance a lot, so this was even more positive.

My plan of the day is to answer to as many emails as I can. My email inbox is more than full....

Last trip was to Turkey. I got back here in France last night. I liked what I saw of Turkey...I actually saw very little, but for what I saw, I liked it. Except one thing. I was in a tourist locality, Kusadasi, where many many tourists from the UK, Germany and Holland go as soon as it starts to get colder in their countries. Among these tourists, some are groups of women in search of some tenderness and attention....I saw something similar in Madagascar. Men and women moving around desperately searching for company. And men and women from these countries offering themselves just as whatever object.

I am not living out of this world. Prostitution always existed. But one thing is to see the women in the windows in places like the Netherlands, where actually prostitution is under rules and everything at least from the outside looks controlled and more like a job than as human exploitation. Another thing is to see desperate human who look from anyone who could give them any attention.

I am especially sad when I see women who seems to not know any limit to get into bed with someone. One thing is playing and joking and flirting, another thing is to get on the knee to convince a man to spend some time with you. I am wondering if getting someone at these conditions would actually help to feel less lonely, if it is filling their loneliness what they are actually looking for. Wouldn't make it feel even more lonely to know that this person is willing to give you exactly what you want just to get something from you? It is too commercial. And so sad to see it.

We went dancing one evening and there was a group of women just looking for men there. And looking for men with such a desperate attitude to be scary. One of them actually decided that one of the guy of our group was very interesting for her and that she should have tried to have it at any cost. It was very sad to watch.

I am for the "case chiuse" as they were called in Italy, for the red light districts like in Holland, for anything where this kind of sexual exchange doesn't drive to exploitation of people who don't have enough money to live. In Madagascar, depending on the places, you can even find teenagers who offer themselves to you....a sign that they know that foreigners come there and look for them.
I don't care if people need sex and love and they are willing to pay for it. But when this drives human exploitation, this is something that I can't stand to see. I wonder if there is any way to stop this trend.

Did you forget your t-shirt?

France, morning

I am glad that it is getting a bit colder now. Not because I don't like the summer and the sun. On the contrary. But French men have this disturbing habit of going around without any t-shirt or shirt, as soon as the temperature increases a bit. They even prefer to have a bit of goose bumps because it is not yet that warm, than wearing something.

I would understand if these same men would not wear the shirt to do some hard work, but not. They just walk around, drive the car, etc. without it. I am not a nun, but still, I don't like it. Is it that much hotter with a thin t-shirt on? how can then men in other countries, where it is even warmer than here, survive with a t-shirt on? or is it just that these men like to show their bodies...and the thing being that not only the ones with a nice body and the six-pack abdominals are going around without t-shirt.....because, it may sound a bit racist, but at least, even if I still wouldn't like it, it would not that of an horrible thing to give a look at. No, just every man who feels like op! takes the t-shirt off and goes around without it. The ones with the big bellies, the ones with a lot of hairs everywhere, the good looking ones, the ones with tattoos everywhere. Just anyone who feels like.

So, now I guess that you can understand a bit better why I am glad that it is getting a bit colder.
I had more than enough of seeing men upper bodies walking around the streets for this summer.

too old

France, morning

I woke up early this morning, so I have a bit of time to write here. There is a lot going on in my life right now and I would need to step back for a moment to really realize what it is fully. Instead, I keep running all the time.

I was at a friend place a few evenings ago. I had a good time. And when I left, I realized something. Aging is really changing my way of looking at things. Beside the fact that I became more cynical, which is not necessarily a good thing, I am also much more detached and less interested about things that years ago were making me thrilling or at least feeling good.

The point being in this case, men attentions.
There was this young guy the other evening too. I say "young" because he is certainly younger than me, even if I am not sure how much younger. Anyway, he kept flirting with me all evening. And even if I know that this is his way of being, years ago I would have been very flattered anyway. Now, I just look at it with a smile. And I am becoming very good in giving the image of myself as a chick who while getting older, enjoys a lot to just be by myself...which I can't get it why, for men is very attractive....

So, without digressing too much. This guy drove a friend of mine and I near by home and during the trip he was complaining about how I never stop by to say hi to him at his place, even when I go running next to his apartment. Why I don't go to visit him since he has a very comfortable hammock on his balcony (and I love hammocks!!!). Why don't we get together next week, etc. etc. etc. Me, all along this, I was just standing in front of him smiling. Very polite, and meaning nothing special.

Then I got home, and I got a sms from him with his home address...as apparently I forgot where he lives since I never stop by.
Now, it is not that the guy is not attractive. On the contrary, actually, especially for being French :-). It is just that even if I watch a lot of Sex and the City and even if I love this show, I am not quite like that. I have never been like that. But getting older makes me feel that one night stand or a few nights are not for me. And that if I see that with this person it wouldn't go anywhere anyway, I don't even respond to the flirting.

I always enjoyed men attentions....I guess that now together with some white hair (fortunately at the moment only two...I control it almost every day!!!), also my way of looking at things changed in the last years....is it good or bad????

let's control the weather

France, morning

This is the most absurd thing that I have read in weeks and probably months.....I was just reading the news like every morning and so I came across this news of the mayor of Moscow who wants to "keep Moscow with less snow"....and how to do that? I copy the explanation directly from the article because it is absolutely unbelievable "As many as a dozen cargo aircraft are sent into the skies over Moscow before major public events, scattering silver iodide, liquid nitrogen and cement powder into rain clouds to encourage precipitation"....

I wonder, aren't we changing the climate already bad enough to keep wanting to go more and more against nature? did the mayor of Moscow considered the consequences of doing that????

Very un-cool

France, morning

This morning I am in a blogging mood. Maybe because last night with these three girls we discussed about a lot of things that I thought interesting.

One of them was Facebook. Ok, I am officially un-cool and "antique". I am not on Facebook, nor I intend to be there. For a lot of reasons, among which:

- It promotes a "voyeur" behavior. And because I am not better than anyone else and I know myself very well, I know that I would end up abusing it and checking about all the people I know (especially ex-). This would ends up torturing me and actually making me feel sad.

- For sure, as everything else, it all depends on how you use it. But the information you put in there will remain there even after canceling your account, linked to your name. I don't like this. I don't need people (even friends of a friend) to know what I am doing, seeing, thinking, ect. Of course, with a blog, I share these info too. But none actually knows who I am and the ones who do, they know anyway what I am doing, seeing, thinking and most of the times they don't even check my blog.

- It wouldn't make me feel more connected. I actually believe that it would make me feel more lonely. I am an old-fashion person (as I have been defined yesterday). I still write long letters to communicate. And I have a few very important people that count a lot in my life. The other, are just people that pass by in my life. The ones who matter to me, are the ones to whom I send emails, and/or letters, and/or cards.

- I don't like the fact that everyone assumes that I am on Facebook and so I know what it is going on in their lives, saw their pictures or whatever they put or write there. I got to know that a friend of mine had a bad accident almost a month after he had the accident. Why? because he wrote about it on Facebook (well, his brother did it for him) and none bothered to tell me about it as they thought that I would read about it on Facebook.

- I would spend too much time on it and I would feel left out if I am not updating it, checking what it is going on etc. Now that instead I am out of it, I don't feel left out (even if anyone else yesterday asked me this "don't you feel left out?")

So, I enjoyed to read this article on the NewYorkTimes this morning.

The second choice

France, morning

I went out with three girls yesterday. Very nice people, I never met two of them before. Of course, one is leaving next week, one in a week and one at the end of the month. Our lives of people moving continuously around the world..... when you find someone with whom you would get along well, they are moving to another place.

And this goes for romantic relationships too. It takes sometimes to build something and then with the gypsy kind of life that we have, when the relationship gets strong enough and you are deeply in love for each other Puff! it is time to move. And distance relationships are painful. I don't know how people manage them. I had a relationship when I moved to Germany and it soon became a distance relationship and the distance was killing me and it was very painful. It was not fun for anyone at the end.

Then I had a very long distance relationship with the olandesino. We managed for very long time, across the world, even with an Ocean in between. But I don't know how many times in the relationship I felt heart broken, I felt that I couldn't take anymore, I felt that I would leave my job, my dreams just to be with him. I don't know how many hours I spent on skype just to talk to him and see him with the web cam. I don't know how many hours I stared at the computer screen wondering why I had to be so far from him, why we couldn't find a job in the same place, why we had to keep moving all the time, why we have to have only short contracts or short-term fellowships that wouldn't allow us to make any plan.

Distance relationships for me could work only if they are limited in time and if the distance is not so much to allow to see each other often enough. Often enough being for me at least once or twice a month. Otherwise, it will just became a growing pain and a struggling.

How did I get in this status of mind? Because one of the things I talked about last night with these girls was exactly this, how to deal with distance relationships. And the positions were pretty much clear:

- You block yourself, avoid to fall in love for anyone and get attached
- You keep having "fun" relationship with people who are ok but for whom you don't feel that much, so that when you will leave there will be not pain and something to carry on with a distance
- You try anyway, even knowing that probably will hurt you like hell at the moment that you will be apart

If you didn't try a distance relationship, you can't understand what I am talking about. And I am not writing this out of arrogance. But because I heard so many times from my friends and family things like: you have to be strong, it is not so bad, at least you have each others, I think I could do it, I think I could manage, you suffer only because you are too needy....and things like this.

I may be needy and probably I am. But meeting more and more people with a life-style similar to mine, you understand that it is not just you who can't deal well with distance in a romantic relationship. They are just hard to deal with if you love someone very deeply. Someone manages them (and they have all my admiration).
Someone decides that she/he can't take it anymore. And if this goes with the thought that the person you leave was the "person you wanted to spend your life with" then you will keep loving this person for very long time.

One of these girls yesterday told me that his ex- was the person she thought just right for him. But it didn't work because they were apart for so long that it was hard to keep a healthy relationship. So, finally she realized that she had to give herself a chance and move on and try to find someone else, even if this person would probably ends up to be a second choice. Even if she will never stop to love her ex-. Even if she will miss him. Even if she will have moments in which she will thinks "why?".
Until one day in which she will find someone that from just being a second choice will became so important in her life that she will not want to be with anyone else but him.

slowing down

France, afternoon

I don't think I got the job in Germany.

I am a workaholic lately. I am consuming myself working all the time, till my eyes are burning, till I don't even have the smallest energy left to think. I have these phases sometimes, when I don't want to deal with things that are not going the way I want or when thinking would only make me worried.

Since the beginning of August, I already wrote two diaries...if I would use better my imagination and my need and desire of writing, I could do something a bit more productive than just writing diaries. But I guess the good thing about writing diaries is that they are just for me. I write for myself. Like a therapy. And I have to say that it works.

I have been feeling very lonely lately. But I am also avoiding to see people or do random things with someone else. I am trying to do only the things I really want to do and if I have to do them alone, it is fine. But, I am feeling lonely and I guess I need it now. It is not necessarily pleasant. But it is necessary, I feel. I am living a bit in a limbo lately. And it is ok. Not good, not bad, just ok. Just how it should be now, probably.

Do you ever have this feeling of being suspended? of walking in the air? of being out of time and space? This is how I feel lately. Of course, conciliating this with a working life that requires to show up at a certain precise time for a meeting, it is not always easy. But fortunately in my work I am pretty much my own boss.

Week ends are anyway mine! They are just mine. My time, my space, my needs. It is all about me and fortunately, it can be, since I have none else next to me to have to take into account. So, today I just walked around, with my head totally up in the air. I sat for a juice at the English book store and wrote a bit. I finished a book and enjoyed it and took the time to let the story sinking in me. I wrote a bit more. I ate of course, a couple of times already. I let my thoughts go. I let myself feeling down and sad and hurt, without needing to push these feelings away, because I have to smile, because I have to interact. And I found a melancholic music that goes with my current mood. I wanted to download the album, but first, I wanted to listen to it a couple of times. And here I am. I think I like it. Not danceable, very melancholic. To listen to it, I guess.

I love gadgets

France, morning

I am going to work with my new skate. I love it. I got it for my birthday. Don't say, don't even think that these kind of things are for kids, that I am too old for that, etc. etc. I am never too old for these kind of gadgets. They just make me happy.

It is super-cool and even if I am not that good yet to be able to jump and do a lot of different tricks, I enjoy very much just to ride it here and there. Of course, I don't use the helmet. I can't tolerate the helmet. You think that I should have learned something from all the times I badly fall from the bike and hit my head against the ground (and twice I got a head concussion too). You may think that for someone like me, for whom the brain is extremely important for my work, I should be more protective toward it....but not....I feel too cool to drive my skate around with my hair flying in the wind (well, I am not going that fast, but anyway, the image looks good), all smiley.

The only small problem so far is that I didn't consider 1) how much energy you have to use with this gadget and 2) how out of shape I am.....so, after a bit I have to stop, catch some breath and start again. It also happened that it was so much work, that one day I got to work so sweaty that it looked like I just ran some marathon.....very charming.....

But it doesn't matter, riding this gadget makes my day....

What can I say? I am just an old kid! I love toys. A few Christmas ago I also got as a present a balance board....for me it is another perfect therapy for when I have my down moments. Get there, try to balance without falling and I have no time to think about anything else than that!!! it works perfectly for me....

Now, I have to run to work with my skate. Bye. Swooooooooooooooooooosh (this is the noise of me running away with the skate :-) )

a very very rich winner

France, night

I just read it....

Somebody finally won the Italian lottery, which means a lot a lot of money.....

Unfortunately that winner is not me....otherwise I wouldn't probably be here blogging now.....

I hope that the winner will do a good use of this incredible amount of money....by the way....if you are reading here and you are the winner and you really don't know what to do with all that money, well.....just pass a bit of them here!!!!

My head and the planes

France, afternoon

I still have to have lunch today. It is so hot that I could fry an egg on my head....I am surprised that I don't see smoke coming out of my ears yet.

I got back from Germany. By the end of my first day there, I started to like the place where I was. Nice people, a lot of green spaces, clean, cheap and good food (I managed to also get something without any milk product!!!)....so, not bad overall.

I don't think I will get the job...unfortunately...they were looking for someone like me but also with more experience in another field...and they also got a lot of good candidates for the position...we will see...

Anyway, I got back by plane. The plane trip cost me more than going to Thailand probably and back. Europe in the summer...crazy expensive! I was also so lucky that I had to spend 6 hours at the Charles de Gaulle airport in Paris to wait for my connection. CDG airport is probably one of the worst big airport of the world....badly designed, uncomfortable chairs, not enough things to do.....By the end of the second hours there I was getting in the status of mind of leaving and probably losing my suitcase and got on a train to get back home...Fortunately I had a good book with me and so at the end I made it.

At the interview they asked me if I was married. I got very uncomfortable with such a personal question....but after that, as I new other people there and they also knew the olandesino, they asked me how he was doing....Delicate topic. I am still not able to talk about it, and just a simple question makes me get tears in my eyes and of course when you are among colleagues, you don't want to look over-sensitive....pfffffffffffffffffff......

Today I am in a day of total frenzy to avoid to think.....

So, I got back by plane and I managed to hit my head badly in parts of the planes multiple times. I don't know if this happens frequently also to other people. But for how much I like planes and flying (and I do like both things a lot), my head can always find some extremities on which to bump into very strongly. Yesterday was not so bad. But I should learn to be more carefull, after that I already experienced a bad head concussion for a similar accident on my way back from South Africa some years ago.

Because of the concussion, not only I had terrible headake and problems with body balance, but I also had days of bad nausea. I got quite scared. I had to spend a few days in bed, without any kind of stress. Of course that was not my first head concussion and it will be not probably the last one. It seems that I have a great talent in badly bumping my head against walls, plane parts, and any solid structure that happens to cross my way............

Maybe this can explain why lately I can't remember things anymore and I feel that my intelligence is rapidly decreasing :-(

ohne butter, ohne kase

Germany, lunch time

When you are allergic to something and you have to travel to a country where you don't speak the language, where they don't speak any of the language that you know and where they put this "something" everywhere, eating can became quite a challenge.

I don't speak German. I just know a few words here and there. And as it is lunch time, I was trying to get a sandwich without butter and cheese. It turned out, this is a very complicated task. Much more of a challenge than doing the same thing in France, where at least I speak the language.

I ended up buying just some plain bread and water, after getting something that I thought to be harmless (I asked "was is das?" what is that?, and then "mit or ohne butter und kase?" thinking that they could understand that I was asking if it was with or without butter or cheese) and intead turned out to be made with butter or containing milk....because, and here my mistake, asking if it is with or without butter or cheese doesn't
1) include milk in the list and
2) mean that I am also asking if it is made with some of these ingredients....

So, I got sick....a few hours before my job interview....not too bad, not too bad....

If I will have to move here, I will definitively learn German as quickly as possible if I don't want to spend every day sick.

In any case, being in Germany again after many years and being in another part of Germany, made me realize what it makes me easily sad here. Everything is, or looks, perfect. Well organized, functional, clean. It crushes against the messiness of my life. This country would work perfectly for my mom. But I am more of a far from perfection person and being here just makes me feel even more out of place than I normally feel. My Italianiness doesn't fit with this perfection. Of course, when I lived in Germany I loved the fact that things were working the way you hope they would. That people are professional, that things are clean, that there are plenty of green spaces and bike roads....but when in a country everything seems to work so well, what is it left to complain about? sure it makes your daily life easier, not always worrying about a possible coming strike that would paralyze the entire country for months (like in France) or not being able to see a dentist for weeks because in August nobody works, but still....I need a bit of "out of perfection"....

I guess that this is one of things I loved most about living in Holland. Things work and yet, you also get the feeling that the rules are not so strict and feel a bit free to be messy or different in your own way....

In any case, in France I always tell everyone how great was to live in Germany where daily things actually work. And here, I feel that I miss the messiness of France....I guess that this says a lot about me.....