slowing down

France, afternoon

I don't think I got the job in Germany.

I am a workaholic lately. I am consuming myself working all the time, till my eyes are burning, till I don't even have the smallest energy left to think. I have these phases sometimes, when I don't want to deal with things that are not going the way I want or when thinking would only make me worried.

Since the beginning of August, I already wrote two diaries...if I would use better my imagination and my need and desire of writing, I could do something a bit more productive than just writing diaries. But I guess the good thing about writing diaries is that they are just for me. I write for myself. Like a therapy. And I have to say that it works.

I have been feeling very lonely lately. But I am also avoiding to see people or do random things with someone else. I am trying to do only the things I really want to do and if I have to do them alone, it is fine. But, I am feeling lonely and I guess I need it now. It is not necessarily pleasant. But it is necessary, I feel. I am living a bit in a limbo lately. And it is ok. Not good, not bad, just ok. Just how it should be now, probably.

Do you ever have this feeling of being suspended? of walking in the air? of being out of time and space? This is how I feel lately. Of course, conciliating this with a working life that requires to show up at a certain precise time for a meeting, it is not always easy. But fortunately in my work I am pretty much my own boss.

Week ends are anyway mine! They are just mine. My time, my space, my needs. It is all about me and fortunately, it can be, since I have none else next to me to have to take into account. So, today I just walked around, with my head totally up in the air. I sat for a juice at the English book store and wrote a bit. I finished a book and enjoyed it and took the time to let the story sinking in me. I wrote a bit more. I ate of course, a couple of times already. I let my thoughts go. I let myself feeling down and sad and hurt, without needing to push these feelings away, because I have to smile, because I have to interact. And I found a melancholic music that goes with my current mood. I wanted to download the album, but first, I wanted to listen to it a couple of times. And here I am. I think I like it. Not danceable, very melancholic. To listen to it, I guess.