Water, water, water

Italy, night

It keeps raining. It never stopped since this morning. My mom got calls from people she knows asking for help in finding an apartment to rent, while their houses are covered by water.

Beside all these problems, I have to admit that I don't dislike the rain. I actually like walking in the rain and I love hear the noise of the rain on my jacket or on my umbrella. Walking in the rain makes me thinking, and it is perfect when my mood is so and so and I just want to be.

My mood is definitively so and so. It is nice to be at home with my family. It is nice to not have a daily schedule, it is nice to have to work only a little (even if I am not motivated at all and I have to force myself to even do that little), it is nice to finally have the time to just do what I like to (like sleeping a lot for example). But every end of the year makes me in the mood for a balance of the past year, and even if I can't complain about my work in this 2009, I have to add another failure to my list of personal experiences.

I didn't write too much about it before, because I got so hurt by my previous relationship and it took me so much to be even able to think that I could be happier with someone else, than I didn't want to write about it. In this year I felt scared, happy, angry, frustrated, in love, sad, optimist, pessimist, worried, and a lot of other things. I guess that I had too many expectations. I guess that I suffered so much in the past years because of my previous relationship, and I wanted so badly to have something light, happy, and easy, that I was not ready to deal with uncertainties and with anything bad similar to what I experienced in my previous-last relationship. And so, it was intense, like anything that deserves to be called a relationship for me, painful (as it seems to be a necessary ingredients to any of my relationships), and left me empty.

I always wonder how many tears a person can cry. Is it me? Am I too demanding? Am I too independent? Is it because I am not willing to compromise on things that for me are important? why does anyone else seem to find the right person and I don't? why even when I think that I found that person, everything has to be complicated and difficult and it always ends up in frustration on both sides?

I am a very difficult person to fall in love, to find someone I like, but when I do find that person, I want to live the relationship with all myself. And I feel that I deserve that the other person is in there in the same way. I am not easy to compromise, and I am not an easy person to be with. And I know this. But none for sure can claim that I don't give all myself to the person I love, even if I am independent, even if I strongly want to keep my identity and not fuse with the other one.

My friends seem to think that my working-life-style is not ideal for a relationship. I agree with them, it is not ideal. But then what should I do? it is already so hard for me to find someone that could be interesting enough for me to make me desire to be in a relationship with someone else except myself. What should I do? should I say to this person "I am sorry, I feel that we could have something nice together, something more than a friendship, but anything more in not compatible with my life-style and so I am sorry, but I can't"? And this till when? Until I find a permanent job and stopped moving every year? or what should I do? give up my dream job to see if a relationship would go somewhere without the distance? is any of these two options minimally fair?

Is it the new year going to be better?

PPS. After talking over and over with close friends and family, it seems that in the case of this last relationship, a bit more understanding from the other side and a bit more attention to my needs too would have helped a lot. This doesn't solve the situation, and it doesn't make me feel better anyway as the end product doesn't change...but at least I can think that this time, maybe the fault was a lot from both sides. Of course, living in the same place or living closer, would have helped to discuss things in a better way.