passive

France, evening

First, I have to say that I love the website with the dutch words. You can listen to their pronunciation and since dutch to me sounds as a strange language, I just love it. I actually have one of these cds that you buy hoping to learn a language. Well, I didn't learn the language yet (dutch), but sometimes I play the cd just to relax. Dutch sounds relaxing to me. What can I say??? I know I am a bit weird....

I booked a facial for tomorrow in a spa close to my apartment. I feel I need to pamper myself. I also went to the supermarket tonight and I bought the fish sticks....does the word fish sticks make sense in English? I have no idea how these things are called in any other language than Italian (bastoncini di pesce). Anyway, I love them, even if every time I think that it looks like a food for kids...but, oh, well...who cares. They are good.

I biked home today thinking that I became a passive person. I have always been a fighter, but these last two years in some way sucked out of me all my energies, leaving me with nothing more than the energy to carry on day by day. I know sorry, it is not very exciting. It will get better. It will. Dunno when, but it will. Anyway, I really don't have the energy to fight for big or small things anymore and so I just leave things happening, even if sometimes they bother me or the make me sad.

Let's start from the easiest things that I could do to improve my life a bit and I don't do because the only idea of doing them make me tired. My neighbour: the stinky carpet is still there and not only is in the middle of the way but it seriously stink so much that the corridor between our two apartments is a place where not stand for longer than a second if you don't want to vomit. How difficult would be to ring their bell and let them notice that the carpet stink and it is there since some days and if they can remove it? Nothing. Every single day that I get back home I think, ok now the smell is too much. I will ring their bell. And then I think that the guy is big and doesn't look too friendly, that I want to avoid a discussion and maybe further problems and so at the end, I quickly open the door, enter into my apartment and forget about it. And this is one.

Second. My ex-boss pisses me so off that every single time I receive an email, even if it would be a friendly email (which is never the case anyway), I get stressed even before to open it. I let my ex-boss ruin so much my mood that to avoid any possible discussion or email exchange, I just do whatever it is written in the email, even if this costs me a lot (of time, of energy, of everything). I just spent the past week working on something my ex-boss wanted in a certain way to avoid any possible argument. I know it is pretty stupid.

The thing is, I am not becoming numb or careless, which would justify why I don't react. No, on the opposite, I get stress, I cry, but then if I think how much drama could be questioning things, I just do whatever someone asks me or let other people do what they want. Of course, this behavior is the same also in my personal relationships. You can cover me with shit before I react. And in terms of relationships, I am even more passive. I am always so afraid to lose a person (my boyfriend or a good friend) that if I say something, it is really because I can take it anymore. Of course if this other person reacts, I get so scared that I immediately back up.

Beside being a problem in terms of quality of life for me, it is also a problem because when I explode (in case of a rare event), it is really an explosion now. Most of the time, I just close myself off and cry all my tears...which is not really healthy. I will have to practice a bit more of strong sports, like spinning, and maybe also some sport to release some aggressiveness, like kick boxing...I should....