France, evening
I was supposed to go to the gym, but I got home so tired that I could go to bed right now. So, instead of going to the gym, I decided to relax now, read a bit, eat some take away (yes, I know, really healthy) and then go out with a friend later....
Really windy here. I got home and I found a surprise. The wind is so strong that the two small plants that I had on my window (on the outside of my window) they are now gone. I guess they flew away....I hope they didn't end up on someone's head! My little cute plants.......I will have to buy new ones and maybe this time put them inside my apartment! But gosh, both of them...could have at least one of them survived to the strong wind? even if I will go downstairs to look for them, if they fell for 4 floors, I am not sure of what it remains of them...
PS. Happy Halloween. I am so tired that I look like an old witch, so I don't even need a costume tonight.
Friday, October 31, 2008
USA elections
France, lunch time
I just saw an interesting summary (too bad I can't download the article) in the last Science issue. It seems that scientists all over the USA are strongly supporting Obama. I am not in the USA, but I really hope he will win the elections! The fact that S. Palin is with McCain is a scary enough fact to not vote for McCain.
And every time I listen to this song (Black eyed peas), I think of how it is important that each of us gives its contribution. This is why who you vote can make a difference in some places (in Italy, I am not sure about that...). It will not save the world, but it can help to make the world a better place to live. This video has been shot in Africa, but in general I do believe that some people can just make a difference....this is the last part of the song and I do believe that it takes one and then one follows the other one and so on....
It takes one, just one
And then one follows the other one
And then another follows the other one
Next thing you know you got a billion
People doing some wonderful things
People doing some powerful things
Let's change and do some powerful things
Unity could be a wonderful thing
Below the lyrics of this song
One for all, one for all
It's all it's all for one
Let's start a union, calling every human
It's one for all and all for one
Let's live in unison, calling every citizen
It's one for all and all for one
We don't want war- can't take no more
It's drastic time for sure
We need an antidote and a cure
Coz do you really think Mohammed
got a problem with Jehovah
We don't want war- imagine if any prophet was alive
In current days amongst you and I
You think they'd view life like you and I do
Or would they sit and contemplate on why
Do we live this way, act and behave this way
We still live in primitive today
Coz the peace in the destination of war can't be the way
There's no way, so people just be a woman, be a man
Realize that you can't change the
world by changing yourself
And understand that we're all just the same
So when I count to three let's change
Got no time for grand philosophy
I barely keep my head above the tide
I got this mortgage, got three kids at school
What you're saying is the truth, but
really troubles me inside
I'd change the world if I could change my mind
If I could live beyond my fears
Exchanging unity for all my insecurity
Exchanging laughter for my tears
I don't know, y'all, we in a real deposition
In the midst of all this negative condition
Divided by beliefs, different sink and religion
Why do we keep missing the point in our mission?
Why do we keep killing each other, what's the reason?
God made us all equal in his vision
I wish that I could make music as a religion
Then we could harmonise together in this mission
Listen, I know it's really hard to make changes
But two of us could help rearrange this curse
Utilising all the power in our voices
Together we will unite and make the right choice
And fight for education, save the next generation
Come together as one
I don't understand why it's never been done
So let's change on the count of one
It takes one, just one
And then one follows the other one
And then another follows the other one
Next thing you know you got a billion
People doing some wonderful things
People doing some powerful things
Let's change and do some powerful things
Unity could be a wonderful thing
I just saw an interesting summary (too bad I can't download the article) in the last Science issue. It seems that scientists all over the USA are strongly supporting Obama. I am not in the USA, but I really hope he will win the elections! The fact that S. Palin is with McCain is a scary enough fact to not vote for McCain.
And every time I listen to this song (Black eyed peas), I think of how it is important that each of us gives its contribution. This is why who you vote can make a difference in some places (in Italy, I am not sure about that...). It will not save the world, but it can help to make the world a better place to live. This video has been shot in Africa, but in general I do believe that some people can just make a difference....this is the last part of the song and I do believe that it takes one and then one follows the other one and so on....
It takes one, just one
And then one follows the other one
And then another follows the other one
Next thing you know you got a billion
People doing some wonderful things
People doing some powerful things
Let's change and do some powerful things
Unity could be a wonderful thing
Below the lyrics of this song
One for all, one for all
It's all it's all for one
Let's start a union, calling every human
It's one for all and all for one
Let's live in unison, calling every citizen
It's one for all and all for one
We don't want war- can't take no more
It's drastic time for sure
We need an antidote and a cure
Coz do you really think Mohammed
got a problem with Jehovah
We don't want war- imagine if any prophet was alive
In current days amongst you and I
You think they'd view life like you and I do
Or would they sit and contemplate on why
Do we live this way, act and behave this way
We still live in primitive today
Coz the peace in the destination of war can't be the way
There's no way, so people just be a woman, be a man
Realize that you can't change the
world by changing yourself
And understand that we're all just the same
So when I count to three let's change
Got no time for grand philosophy
I barely keep my head above the tide
I got this mortgage, got three kids at school
What you're saying is the truth, but
really troubles me inside
I'd change the world if I could change my mind
If I could live beyond my fears
Exchanging unity for all my insecurity
Exchanging laughter for my tears
I don't know, y'all, we in a real deposition
In the midst of all this negative condition
Divided by beliefs, different sink and religion
Why do we keep missing the point in our mission?
Why do we keep killing each other, what's the reason?
God made us all equal in his vision
I wish that I could make music as a religion
Then we could harmonise together in this mission
Listen, I know it's really hard to make changes
But two of us could help rearrange this curse
Utilising all the power in our voices
Together we will unite and make the right choice
And fight for education, save the next generation
Come together as one
I don't understand why it's never been done
So let's change on the count of one
It takes one, just one
And then one follows the other one
And then another follows the other one
Next thing you know you got a billion
People doing some wonderful things
People doing some powerful things
Let's change and do some powerful things
Unity could be a wonderful thing
Sleepy
France, morning
I am so sleepy this morning that I left my place with a pair of socks in my hand instead of the gloves...fortunately, I realized that I got the socks instead of the gloves when I was still inside my building....
It is going to be a long, long day today...
PS. a friend of mine just highlighted to me the fact that I can always use a pair of socks as gloves, so it was not too bad and that the opposite would have been worst... ;-) true!
I am so sleepy this morning that I left my place with a pair of socks in my hand instead of the gloves...fortunately, I realized that I got the socks instead of the gloves when I was still inside my building....
It is going to be a long, long day today...
PS. a friend of mine just highlighted to me the fact that I can always use a pair of socks as gloves, so it was not too bad and that the opposite would have been worst... ;-) true!
Thursday, October 30, 2008
book
France, night
I am going to bed to read a bit. The Sedaris book is still not so funny as I expected, but it is also not sad anymore now.
I am going to bed to read a bit. The Sedaris book is still not so funny as I expected, but it is also not sad anymore now.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
underwear at the gym
France, evening
There is one thing that I don't get of the gyms here...and I write gyms because I visited two different ones and both had this thing. The showers and the bathroom are in common between men and women. The gym where I go is kind of fancy, but still has this little peculiar thing. So, you see someone taking a shower naked, no matter if there are people of the other sex showering next to him/her and you see the majority of the others taking a shower in swimming suite. Is that normal? I have been to gyms in a lot of places around the world, but I never saw this.
The changing rooms are separated, but at the end people leave the door always open, because who cares if someone see the other, the shower are together anyway.....fortunately I live close by, so I take the shower at home.....but it is weird.
Beside this, today I experienced another weirdness. I needed to go to the bathroom, so I walked there and I saw a man underwear on the sink. So, my thought was ok, someone forgot it and he will come and get it, so I wait before to get in the bathroom. 1, 2, 3....5 minutes, none. So, I needed to use the bathroom and as the others were occupied, I used that one. I have to admit that I felt a bit uncomfortable. I peed in a rush thinking of the poor man who forgot his underwear maybe standing outside. Nope. Nothing. 45 minutes later, when I came back after finishing my exercises, no man and still the same underwear on the sink.
....so, I wonder, did the man go home without his underwear? didn't he realize that something was missing???....
There is one thing that I don't get of the gyms here...and I write gyms because I visited two different ones and both had this thing. The showers and the bathroom are in common between men and women. The gym where I go is kind of fancy, but still has this little peculiar thing. So, you see someone taking a shower naked, no matter if there are people of the other sex showering next to him/her and you see the majority of the others taking a shower in swimming suite. Is that normal? I have been to gyms in a lot of places around the world, but I never saw this.
The changing rooms are separated, but at the end people leave the door always open, because who cares if someone see the other, the shower are together anyway.....fortunately I live close by, so I take the shower at home.....but it is weird.
Beside this, today I experienced another weirdness. I needed to go to the bathroom, so I walked there and I saw a man underwear on the sink. So, my thought was ok, someone forgot it and he will come and get it, so I wait before to get in the bathroom. 1, 2, 3....5 minutes, none. So, I needed to use the bathroom and as the others were occupied, I used that one. I have to admit that I felt a bit uncomfortable. I peed in a rush thinking of the poor man who forgot his underwear maybe standing outside. Nope. Nothing. 45 minutes later, when I came back after finishing my exercises, no man and still the same underwear on the sink.
....so, I wonder, did the man go home without his underwear? didn't he realize that something was missing???....
half of the day
France, lunch time
My stomach is upset. I think it is due to the antibiotic bombs that I am taking. I don't like to take any medications, but when things don't go away by themselves, I have to surrender to the pharmaceutical industry...this is the case....In any case, I normally eat as healthier as I can, but today, even with my stomach not being happy, I couldn't resist to have a vegetarian sandwich also filled with...................french fries :-)!!! It was so good! sometimes I just need to spoil myself.
I also spent the past hour surfing on couchsurf, the website that La Femme suggested me to meet some people around here for a coffee or a drink. It seems that the majority of people are just passing by this place, more than living here...But anyway, I registered and we will see what it comes out of that. Plus, tonight I plan to go again to the gym, tomorrow I have the French course and so step by step hopefully I will make some additional nice friend! I have to admit that I have a bit of prejudices about people signing up for things on internet...I always feel that it can be risky, you can meet some psycho and plus maybe a lot of people use it to find new dates, online lovers and stuff like that...I know, it is not really an open-minded thought...but can I say? I am an old fashion person. I still think that meeting someone face to face is much better....sometimes anyway, this is not that simple, as I am experiencing now and so maybe a bit of help from internet can be useful....I will keep you posted!
My stomach is upset. I think it is due to the antibiotic bombs that I am taking. I don't like to take any medications, but when things don't go away by themselves, I have to surrender to the pharmaceutical industry...this is the case....In any case, I normally eat as healthier as I can, but today, even with my stomach not being happy, I couldn't resist to have a vegetarian sandwich also filled with...................french fries :-)!!! It was so good! sometimes I just need to spoil myself.
I also spent the past hour surfing on couchsurf, the website that La Femme suggested me to meet some people around here for a coffee or a drink. It seems that the majority of people are just passing by this place, more than living here...But anyway, I registered and we will see what it comes out of that. Plus, tonight I plan to go again to the gym, tomorrow I have the French course and so step by step hopefully I will make some additional nice friend! I have to admit that I have a bit of prejudices about people signing up for things on internet...I always feel that it can be risky, you can meet some psycho and plus maybe a lot of people use it to find new dates, online lovers and stuff like that...I know, it is not really an open-minded thought...but can I say? I am an old fashion person. I still think that meeting someone face to face is much better....sometimes anyway, this is not that simple, as I am experiencing now and so maybe a bit of help from internet can be useful....I will keep you posted!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
love and hate
France, night
I am leaving a last post before to go to bed to read a bit. A bit more science for this blog....this time about our brain and love and hate! Enjoy it!
I am leaving a last post before to go to bed to read a bit. A bit more science for this blog....this time about our brain and love and hate! Enjoy it!
Raining on my coat
France, evening
I went out for a really short walk. I don't like too much to walk around alone when it is dark. It was something like 10 minutes walk, just from here to the supermarket and back. It is raining. I saw a guy falling from his bike because of the streets of this city when it rains became sliding. He said he was ok. I guess that after biking a bit here, you know that if it rains you are going to slide with your bike and end up on the floor. Maybe not every time, but it is just something that you have to accept as a matter of fact.
In any case, I was walking and I didn't slide. But I was just thinking of how lovely is to walk alone in the rain, when you can hear the tic tic of the rain on your rain coat. Of course I am not talking of pouring rain, but more of this relaxing, slow continuous rain. I don't know, I like walking in the rain. I find it relaxing. I actually also like to run in the rain (beside the fact that after 10 minutes you have so much water in your shoes that you hear your feet moving inside with a ciaf ciaf noise...)...I would have liked to stay outside and walk longer. Walking in the rain is one of the things that I really enjoy doing it alone, just me, my raincoat and the rain. I feel in peace with the world!
I went out for a really short walk. I don't like too much to walk around alone when it is dark. It was something like 10 minutes walk, just from here to the supermarket and back. It is raining. I saw a guy falling from his bike because of the streets of this city when it rains became sliding. He said he was ok. I guess that after biking a bit here, you know that if it rains you are going to slide with your bike and end up on the floor. Maybe not every time, but it is just something that you have to accept as a matter of fact.
In any case, I was walking and I didn't slide. But I was just thinking of how lovely is to walk alone in the rain, when you can hear the tic tic of the rain on your rain coat. Of course I am not talking of pouring rain, but more of this relaxing, slow continuous rain. I don't know, I like walking in the rain. I find it relaxing. I actually also like to run in the rain (beside the fact that after 10 minutes you have so much water in your shoes that you hear your feet moving inside with a ciaf ciaf noise...)...I would have liked to stay outside and walk longer. Walking in the rain is one of the things that I really enjoy doing it alone, just me, my raincoat and the rain. I feel in peace with the world!
problems again with the apartment
France, afternoon
I don't know if I am possessed by the spirit of bad apartments, but I again have more problems with it. If it keeps going like that I am going to explode! How is it possible that I have to keep wasting time fighting with the owner and the real estate agency that rented me the apartment? Arggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
I need to go in holidays and forget about work, apartment, anything that gives me stress!!!
PS. This is an explosion because I am tired of dealing with the same things over and over, always alone and always in a foreign language. But I also know that these are minimal things, annoying, but minimal. I know that there are people who have much more serious problems than this, so I am not complaining.
I am just annoyed!
I don't know if I am possessed by the spirit of bad apartments, but I again have more problems with it. If it keeps going like that I am going to explode! How is it possible that I have to keep wasting time fighting with the owner and the real estate agency that rented me the apartment? Arggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
I need to go in holidays and forget about work, apartment, anything that gives me stress!!!
PS. This is an explosion because I am tired of dealing with the same things over and over, always alone and always in a foreign language. But I also know that these are minimal things, annoying, but minimal. I know that there are people who have much more serious problems than this, so I am not complaining.
I am just annoyed!
the movie of my sister wedding
France, lunch time
Last night, before bed, I saw the home made movie of my sister wedding. Amazing, during the real wedding I managed to not cry and yesterday when I saw her with her beautiful wedding dress, I felt tears following down. I have to accept that no matter how strong I want to show I am to the outside world, inside I am a still a kid who believes in fairy tales and an hard core romantic.
The most shocking thing was anyway to look at myself. No matter how elegant I can be dressed, I still manage to walk like a truck driver, which of course does not look like a good combination when you have a nice dress and high heels. Second, my feet are really flat. Flat like a table. There was a point during the after wedding party in which we all danced without shoes and so you see this small girl (me), quite short in fact, with her long long super-flat feet. It is kind of amusing!! My friends always made fun of me for my long feet (you don't need to buy ski, you can just ski with your feet....etc), but I never realized how weird I look when I am barefoot. Ah, my feet size is 40 and I am only 162 cm...I don't know what this corresponds in American measurements.
The other quite shocking, even more shocking thing is that every time I see myself, I am always surprise of how I actually look like. It is like if in my head I have an idea of me that does not correspond to the reality and when I see myself, I can never realize than me and that person are in fact the same thing. It is kind of a difficult feeling to explain and I have no idea of why this happens, but it does...and that small person in the movie looked so helpless. I wanted to go there and hug her...and it was me. I can't think of myself that way. I think I really play the strong one when I actually am not that strong....
It is so weird how hard we are on ourselves sometimes. We love other people more than how much we love ourselves.
Last night, before bed, I saw the home made movie of my sister wedding. Amazing, during the real wedding I managed to not cry and yesterday when I saw her with her beautiful wedding dress, I felt tears following down. I have to accept that no matter how strong I want to show I am to the outside world, inside I am a still a kid who believes in fairy tales and an hard core romantic.
The most shocking thing was anyway to look at myself. No matter how elegant I can be dressed, I still manage to walk like a truck driver, which of course does not look like a good combination when you have a nice dress and high heels. Second, my feet are really flat. Flat like a table. There was a point during the after wedding party in which we all danced without shoes and so you see this small girl (me), quite short in fact, with her long long super-flat feet. It is kind of amusing!! My friends always made fun of me for my long feet (you don't need to buy ski, you can just ski with your feet....etc), but I never realized how weird I look when I am barefoot. Ah, my feet size is 40 and I am only 162 cm...I don't know what this corresponds in American measurements.
The other quite shocking, even more shocking thing is that every time I see myself, I am always surprise of how I actually look like. It is like if in my head I have an idea of me that does not correspond to the reality and when I see myself, I can never realize than me and that person are in fact the same thing. It is kind of a difficult feeling to explain and I have no idea of why this happens, but it does...and that small person in the movie looked so helpless. I wanted to go there and hug her...and it was me. I can't think of myself that way. I think I really play the strong one when I actually am not that strong....
It is so weird how hard we are on ourselves sometimes. We love other people more than how much we love ourselves.
Monday, October 27, 2008
release
France, afternoon
Such a release feeling!!! I got more wasting my time emails today from my collaborator today. Of course my ex-boss felt the need of saying something on his defense and so after two years in which both of them have been walking over me in every possible way, including postponing this work and so on, today I reacted. Apparently quite bad since my ex-boss wrote me an email with "tone it down"...Now, I am trembling because I always try to be polite, fair and extremely patient in my work and since patient is not one of my quality it honestly costs me a lot to not explode every single time. But today I was really, really sick of this bossy behavior. Just because someone is your boss is also automatically allowed to make you feel like shit, like an incompetent no matter how much you work, no matter how much everything can be hard for you. No, you are just shit because I think so and I am the boss.
I hate so much this attitude and of course, every time someone chose the hard way, the risk is really really high. So, I walking on an electric line basically now....But I am so so tired of having to be always submitted to my ex-bosses mood (yes, even if they are ex-bosses, they still have a lot of power over me apparently!)...
PS the problem of getting so pissed off is that is not that good for my health...at least if I react once in a while I release the frustration. How can some people just ignore when they are bossed around?
PPS I can't believe it. As a monday, it is pretty tough...I also have a problem with the apartment. I hope it is not going to rain in my bathroom, because before someone come to even look at it, I have to contact a lot of different people and sign a lot of different things....argggggggggggggggggggggggggg
Such a release feeling!!! I got more wasting my time emails today from my collaborator today. Of course my ex-boss felt the need of saying something on his defense and so after two years in which both of them have been walking over me in every possible way, including postponing this work and so on, today I reacted. Apparently quite bad since my ex-boss wrote me an email with "tone it down"...Now, I am trembling because I always try to be polite, fair and extremely patient in my work and since patient is not one of my quality it honestly costs me a lot to not explode every single time. But today I was really, really sick of this bossy behavior. Just because someone is your boss is also automatically allowed to make you feel like shit, like an incompetent no matter how much you work, no matter how much everything can be hard for you. No, you are just shit because I think so and I am the boss.
I hate so much this attitude and of course, every time someone chose the hard way, the risk is really really high. So, I walking on an electric line basically now....But I am so so tired of having to be always submitted to my ex-bosses mood (yes, even if they are ex-bosses, they still have a lot of power over me apparently!)...
PS the problem of getting so pissed off is that is not that good for my health...at least if I react once in a while I release the frustration. How can some people just ignore when they are bossed around?
PPS I can't believe it. As a monday, it is pretty tough...I also have a problem with the apartment. I hope it is not going to rain in my bathroom, because before someone come to even look at it, I have to contact a lot of different people and sign a lot of different things....argggggggggggggggggggggggggg
a present
France, lunch time
I woke up this morning in a kinda of weird mood (I know it is nothing new)...first, I would have loved to stay longer in bed. Second, I was nervous for the response that I was waiting (and I am still waiting). Third, I need a holidays. So, I came to work totally unmotivated. I got here and I got an email from one of my collaborator who sent me completely different things than what I asked him (I am starting to think that we speak a different language, even if we both claim to communicate in English)...so, by 11 am my mood was under my shoes.
Then, the technician told me that someone called me that I received a letter and if I could go to pick it up. I went, and it was a package from my mom with a lot of nice things inside. A lot of Italian relaxing magazine, facial masks, a cd I guess with the movie of my sister wedding, a short letter....I was so happy. This present lifted immediately my mood. Not only for what it contained, but also because I love love love to receive things like letters, packages, I love these surprise...I think I am still a kid in this sense! Every day I open my mail box hoping to find a letter or a card or something like that. It is so cool!
I also love to write letters and cards, because I always imagine than the people who will receive them may be as happy as I am when I receive these things. So, it is nice for me to write them (much less impersonal than an email) and hopefully for them to receive them!
PS. It is funny. I just left a comment about this a few days ago on a MissB blog entry
I woke up this morning in a kinda of weird mood (I know it is nothing new)...first, I would have loved to stay longer in bed. Second, I was nervous for the response that I was waiting (and I am still waiting). Third, I need a holidays. So, I came to work totally unmotivated. I got here and I got an email from one of my collaborator who sent me completely different things than what I asked him (I am starting to think that we speak a different language, even if we both claim to communicate in English)...so, by 11 am my mood was under my shoes.
Then, the technician told me that someone called me that I received a letter and if I could go to pick it up. I went, and it was a package from my mom with a lot of nice things inside. A lot of Italian relaxing magazine, facial masks, a cd I guess with the movie of my sister wedding, a short letter....I was so happy. This present lifted immediately my mood. Not only for what it contained, but also because I love love love to receive things like letters, packages, I love these surprise...I think I am still a kid in this sense! Every day I open my mail box hoping to find a letter or a card or something like that. It is so cool!
I also love to write letters and cards, because I always imagine than the people who will receive them may be as happy as I am when I receive these things. So, it is nice for me to write them (much less impersonal than an email) and hopefully for them to receive them!
PS. It is funny. I just left a comment about this a few days ago on a MissB blog entry
Sunday, October 26, 2008
do you want to lose weight?
France, night
An interesting article for all the people who are trying to lose weight. I have always been against diet and instead doing more sport to lose weight. If you are not sure which sport to pick up, run can be the good one! You can start slowly and the more you run, the better you will became!
I miss my running partner here! Running alone is much more difficult, at least for me!
An interesting article for all the people who are trying to lose weight. I have always been against diet and instead doing more sport to lose weight. If you are not sure which sport to pick up, run can be the good one! You can start slowly and the more you run, the better you will became!
I miss my running partner here! Running alone is much more difficult, at least for me!
Me talk pretty one day again
France, evening
I just spoke to someone a few hours ago who told me that
a) yes I have a really weird sense of humor and I don't consider funny the majority of situations or things that normal people consider funny and
b) this book is famously funny
Ok....I am going to read a bit more of it now (while I also drink my tea with a cookie) to see if I appreciate it more.
I just spoke to someone a few hours ago who told me that
a) yes I have a really weird sense of humor and I don't consider funny the majority of situations or things that normal people consider funny and
b) this book is famously funny
Ok....I am going to read a bit more of it now (while I also drink my tea with a cookie) to see if I appreciate it more.
how can I wait till tomorrow?
France, evening
I was quite bored today and it was good that I went out for a long walk. I discovered more things about this place, I found an English pub where apparently foreigners meet (and so maybe I can manage to meet someone there) and I got an ice-cream (and immediately got sick after eating it). I tried as much as I could to keep my mind and myself busy.
How can you just calmly wait the next day when you are waiting for something? It doesn't matter what this something is, being the results of an exam, a doctor appointment, a work meeting, a date, whatever important thing you know in advance that will happen tomorrow...how can I just sit here and wait till tomorrow? I am not patient and I have an amazing imagination with the tendency to imagine always only the worst scenarios...so, for me waiting for something is just a hell....
I have to find out what to do to get to tomorrow morning in a fairly normal, quite relaxed way.....pfffffffffffffffff
I was quite bored today and it was good that I went out for a long walk. I discovered more things about this place, I found an English pub where apparently foreigners meet (and so maybe I can manage to meet someone there) and I got an ice-cream (and immediately got sick after eating it). I tried as much as I could to keep my mind and myself busy.
How can you just calmly wait the next day when you are waiting for something? It doesn't matter what this something is, being the results of an exam, a doctor appointment, a work meeting, a date, whatever important thing you know in advance that will happen tomorrow...how can I just sit here and wait till tomorrow? I am not patient and I have an amazing imagination with the tendency to imagine always only the worst scenarios...so, for me waiting for something is just a hell....
I have to find out what to do to get to tomorrow morning in a fairly normal, quite relaxed way.....pfffffffffffffffff
Me talk pretty one day
France, morning
We changed the time here. It is sad, because it will get dark earlier. As every sunday, I am taking it easy. It is a beautiful day outside. Maybe later I will go to the botanical garden to read a book and check if there is any frog......I love the week end! I can do whatever I want at any time I want without the need of rushing anywhere!!!
Yesterday I was in the mood for book shopping (well, I am almost always in a mood for book shopping....I also ordered two books from Amazon yesterday...), so I went to the English book store and I bought the book from Sedaris "Me talk pretty one day". I was so excited about that book. I heard so much about it and everyone who told me something about the book was suggesting me to read it because it is great.....I don't see what it is funny in this book. I actually found it to be quite sad. I know that I have a weird sense of humor, but this book is not funny at all to me. I only read 3 chapters, so maybe it will get better in the next ones, but for now, it is sad....which is the opposite of what I heard from anyone else who read it...am I that weird???
We changed the time here. It is sad, because it will get dark earlier. As every sunday, I am taking it easy. It is a beautiful day outside. Maybe later I will go to the botanical garden to read a book and check if there is any frog......I love the week end! I can do whatever I want at any time I want without the need of rushing anywhere!!!
Yesterday I was in the mood for book shopping (well, I am almost always in a mood for book shopping....I also ordered two books from Amazon yesterday...), so I went to the English book store and I bought the book from Sedaris "Me talk pretty one day". I was so excited about that book. I heard so much about it and everyone who told me something about the book was suggesting me to read it because it is great.....I don't see what it is funny in this book. I actually found it to be quite sad. I know that I have a weird sense of humor, but this book is not funny at all to me. I only read 3 chapters, so maybe it will get better in the next ones, but for now, it is sad....which is the opposite of what I heard from anyone else who read it...am I that weird???
Saturday, October 25, 2008
The rug and I
France, evening
I went to Ikea and I left with my new rug. I felt a bit like the Dude in The big Lebowski...I was on the tram with my Ikea rug and I couldn't remove from my mind the dude, the movie and the rug. I hope that none is going to come to my apartment to pee on my rug.
PS. The rug is nice. Not colorful enough like I hoped, but nice, soft and warm.
PPS. If you haven't seen the big Lebowski, it is about time you watch it!
PPPS. I am loking forward to the new movie of the Coen brothers. They told me it is on the style of the big Lebowski. It still didn't come out here.
I went to Ikea and I left with my new rug. I felt a bit like the Dude in The big Lebowski...I was on the tram with my Ikea rug and I couldn't remove from my mind the dude, the movie and the rug. I hope that none is going to come to my apartment to pee on my rug.
PS. The rug is nice. Not colorful enough like I hoped, but nice, soft and warm.
PPS. If you haven't seen the big Lebowski, it is about time you watch it!
PPPS. I am loking forward to the new movie of the Coen brothers. They told me it is on the style of the big Lebowski. It still didn't come out here.
anyone for a nature walk?
France, afternoon
This morning, for the first time after almost 5 months that I live here, I have been to the open food market (which is only a few meters away from my place)....the reason why I have never been there is that I like to be lazy on saturday. Read a book, drink a tea in my pijama, clean my place, just relax and take it easy without rushing out. But today I woke up at 10 am with a nice sunny day outside and since in the last week I rarely saw the sun, I decided that I couldn't waste this day. So, I managed to go to the market before it closed. And I loved it. I bought veggies, fruits and seeds and bread...The bread especially tasted so good, that it is already gone :-)
I know where I will go shopping next saturday. I love love love open food markets. Supermarkets are fine, but they are so impersonal.
Beside this, I am really bored. I tried a lot of strategies to meet new people with whom to do something, but I can't manage to make new friends. I go to the gym, I take a French course, I am working in an environment full of people of almost every age and still nothing. I even asked to a friend to give me the email address of some of his friends here. I contacted them and nothing. One didn't even bother to answer, the other said that you know, he has a girlfriend, they are moving to live together, so he doesn't know how much time he will have and when (NB. I didn't ask him out for a date, I asked him if when he goes in the field for his work, I can join him sometimes, so that I can spend sometimes outside looking for animals....)....so, no success.
The weather is nice and I would like to do something with someone, especially take a walk in the country, outside the city. I can do it of course, but alone. And I am so bored. I like my own company and I have no problem on being by myself, but after a while I get bored. I am a really social person, I like to joke, I like to have fun, to communicate, to meet new people, to enjoy life...and I can't do all this alone!
A few weeks ago I saw an adv at the place where I work with written: "I just arrived here. I am looking for new friends. Contact me if you are interested". Ok, if you need to put an adv to meet new people, this says already a lot about this place. But I am not going to put an advertisment.
I think I will go to Ikea to buy a rug for my place. The floor is too cold.
PS. This morning at 10.30 am my bell rang. "I am Jean. We met yesterday" and me "Jean? I didn't meet anyone yesterday". Jean "Yes, you told me to stop by today, we met yesterday". Me "sorry, you confuse me with someone else, I don't know any Jean".......bah.....I come accross only to weirdos...
This morning, for the first time after almost 5 months that I live here, I have been to the open food market (which is only a few meters away from my place)....the reason why I have never been there is that I like to be lazy on saturday. Read a book, drink a tea in my pijama, clean my place, just relax and take it easy without rushing out. But today I woke up at 10 am with a nice sunny day outside and since in the last week I rarely saw the sun, I decided that I couldn't waste this day. So, I managed to go to the market before it closed. And I loved it. I bought veggies, fruits and seeds and bread...The bread especially tasted so good, that it is already gone :-)
I know where I will go shopping next saturday. I love love love open food markets. Supermarkets are fine, but they are so impersonal.
Beside this, I am really bored. I tried a lot of strategies to meet new people with whom to do something, but I can't manage to make new friends. I go to the gym, I take a French course, I am working in an environment full of people of almost every age and still nothing. I even asked to a friend to give me the email address of some of his friends here. I contacted them and nothing. One didn't even bother to answer, the other said that you know, he has a girlfriend, they are moving to live together, so he doesn't know how much time he will have and when (NB. I didn't ask him out for a date, I asked him if when he goes in the field for his work, I can join him sometimes, so that I can spend sometimes outside looking for animals....)....so, no success.
The weather is nice and I would like to do something with someone, especially take a walk in the country, outside the city. I can do it of course, but alone. And I am so bored. I like my own company and I have no problem on being by myself, but after a while I get bored. I am a really social person, I like to joke, I like to have fun, to communicate, to meet new people, to enjoy life...and I can't do all this alone!
A few weeks ago I saw an adv at the place where I work with written: "I just arrived here. I am looking for new friends. Contact me if you are interested". Ok, if you need to put an adv to meet new people, this says already a lot about this place. But I am not going to put an advertisment.
I think I will go to Ikea to buy a rug for my place. The floor is too cold.
PS. This morning at 10.30 am my bell rang. "I am Jean. We met yesterday" and me "Jean? I didn't meet anyone yesterday". Jean "Yes, you told me to stop by today, we met yesterday". Me "sorry, you confuse me with someone else, I don't know any Jean".......bah.....I come accross only to weirdos...
Friday, October 24, 2008
my dutch word of the day
France, afternoon
Taking a break and checking my Dutch word of the day. Ok, how can a normal person be able to pronounce this kind of word? it is quite a challenge...this is something I always thought about people speaking these languages with words with 15 and more letters. I mean, if you are able to pronounce this, you are talented in learning new languages!!! and then people wonder why I didn't learn German or Dutch when I lived in Holland and Germany...yeah, why???
Taking a break and checking my Dutch word of the day. Ok, how can a normal person be able to pronounce this kind of word? it is quite a challenge...this is something I always thought about people speaking these languages with words with 15 and more letters. I mean, if you are able to pronounce this, you are talented in learning new languages!!! and then people wonder why I didn't learn German or Dutch when I lived in Holland and Germany...yeah, why???
Onverkwikkelijk
missing New York
France, lunch time
I should work, but what I am doing now is so boring, that blogging is more fun....less productive, but more enjoyable...I am listening to a song of the Voxtrot and every time I listen to one of their songs I can't stop my mind from flying back to their concert in New York last year.
It was one of this last minute organized thing. We went there in four. Small theater, friendly atmosphere. It was nice. The acoustic was not that good, but the atmosphere was great! It was looking like being to a party with great live music. This is one of the things I miss of New York, as well as of Amsterdam. The possibility of finding something great and not too expensive to do at every corner, no matter which day of the week it is.
Of course, of New York I also miss the bagels! It seems that the best bagels are from New Jersey (please correct me if I am wrong, this opinion may be highly biased, since it comes from one person from New Jersey). I don't know enough about bagels to be such a good judge, I just know that I would love to enjoy a bagel dipped in a tall soy latte! Oh....I guess it may be a silly thing to miss about a place...
PS I would like so badly to go to see a Opera soon (here, in New York, Amsterdam, anywhere)...Below a beautiful aria from la Butterfly of Puccini...
I should work, but what I am doing now is so boring, that blogging is more fun....less productive, but more enjoyable...I am listening to a song of the Voxtrot and every time I listen to one of their songs I can't stop my mind from flying back to their concert in New York last year.
It was one of this last minute organized thing. We went there in four. Small theater, friendly atmosphere. It was nice. The acoustic was not that good, but the atmosphere was great! It was looking like being to a party with great live music. This is one of the things I miss of New York, as well as of Amsterdam. The possibility of finding something great and not too expensive to do at every corner, no matter which day of the week it is.
Of course, of New York I also miss the bagels! It seems that the best bagels are from New Jersey (please correct me if I am wrong, this opinion may be highly biased, since it comes from one person from New Jersey). I don't know enough about bagels to be such a good judge, I just know that I would love to enjoy a bagel dipped in a tall soy latte! Oh....I guess it may be a silly thing to miss about a place...
PS I would like so badly to go to see a Opera soon (here, in New York, Amsterdam, anywhere)...Below a beautiful aria from la Butterfly of Puccini...
Thursday, October 23, 2008
how do you resist to temptations?
France, evening
Just got back home from the first class of my French course. My mood is still the same. But at least I had to bike quite a bit to reach the place of the course, so I exercised a bit. Do you know the feeling of when you strongly want to do something and you know you can't? when you know that you have to resist to a temptation, but the hitch of wanting to do it is so strong that resisting is actually more painful than doing it...this is how I feel now, on top of my weird mood. I think I am going to explode one of these days...
I am not good in resisting to temptations. Not too many things represent a temptation for me. I don't like chocolate, so I can resist to eat that easily. I don't eat too much, so resist to food is easy. I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke, nothing...so, resisting to the most normal temptations is extremely easy for me, because these are not temptations. But I do have some unhealthy addiction and this is that if I became attached to someone, then I attach to him/her really strongly. And when I became attached to someone, this person is like a drug for me. I don't mean it in a bad way, like that I am dependent on this person, that I can't think with my head and so on. I mean it in a good way. My life is more pinkish with the people I am attached to as part of my life. They are not many, actually, they are a few, but they count a lot to me. So, when for different kind of reasons, I can't talk to them and I would like to, when I strongly would like to call them and visit them and spend time together and I know I can't, then I feel like I can't resist to temptations, I feel like I have to force myself and torture myself to resist.
Now, the question is.... I am sure that the end goal of resisting to temptations is good, but in the present, when I pass through hell to not do what I actually would like to do, how can I keep in mind the reason why I should resist and don't give up?
How do normal people resist to normal temptations? and can I learn to be stronger???
I would like to have someone to call and talk for ours about all my mental paranoia...Unfortunately, my "A" friend (A for the closest friend, the one of first category, something like this), does not have a home phone and calling her on the cellphone is too expensive......................
Just got back home from the first class of my French course. My mood is still the same. But at least I had to bike quite a bit to reach the place of the course, so I exercised a bit. Do you know the feeling of when you strongly want to do something and you know you can't? when you know that you have to resist to a temptation, but the hitch of wanting to do it is so strong that resisting is actually more painful than doing it...this is how I feel now, on top of my weird mood. I think I am going to explode one of these days...
I am not good in resisting to temptations. Not too many things represent a temptation for me. I don't like chocolate, so I can resist to eat that easily. I don't eat too much, so resist to food is easy. I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke, nothing...so, resisting to the most normal temptations is extremely easy for me, because these are not temptations. But I do have some unhealthy addiction and this is that if I became attached to someone, then I attach to him/her really strongly. And when I became attached to someone, this person is like a drug for me. I don't mean it in a bad way, like that I am dependent on this person, that I can't think with my head and so on. I mean it in a good way. My life is more pinkish with the people I am attached to as part of my life. They are not many, actually, they are a few, but they count a lot to me. So, when for different kind of reasons, I can't talk to them and I would like to, when I strongly would like to call them and visit them and spend time together and I know I can't, then I feel like I can't resist to temptations, I feel like I have to force myself and torture myself to resist.
Now, the question is.... I am sure that the end goal of resisting to temptations is good, but in the present, when I pass through hell to not do what I actually would like to do, how can I keep in mind the reason why I should resist and don't give up?
How do normal people resist to normal temptations? and can I learn to be stronger???
I would like to have someone to call and talk for ours about all my mental paranoia...Unfortunately, my "A" friend (A for the closest friend, the one of first category, something like this), does not have a home phone and calling her on the cellphone is too expensive......................
my mood today
France, morning
Today, I am in this kind of mood and I don't know why....maybe lack of sleep...but this song is powerful...too bad for the sound which is not that good...
I am in a such a weird mood today....nervous, too much energy (the result of no hard core sport this week), too bored, wanting to have fun and don't know how.............urggggggggggggggg I hate to feel like this....I am not down, there is nothing wrong...I am just in an unexplainable mood....
Today, I am in this kind of mood and I don't know why....maybe lack of sleep...but this song is powerful...too bad for the sound which is not that good...
I am in a such a weird mood today....nervous, too much energy (the result of no hard core sport this week), too bored, wanting to have fun and don't know how.............urggggggggggggggg I hate to feel like this....I am not down, there is nothing wrong...I am just in an unexplainable mood....
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
....and after this I can go home...
France, afternoon
I wrote before that I didn't have a good night sleep and I am terribly tired and zombie like today. Well, I think I touched the bottom a few hours ago. I went to the office next to mine to talk for the first with someone I never talked before to ask him a favor, like using a program on his computer for some analysis......well, my trousers were open! Of course I didn't realize that at that moment, but only later. So, first I have no idea for how long I walked around with my pants open and second, for sure I had them open while talking to this guy.....I am sure I made a great first impression!!!
I am so ashamed! I have to thank the fact that this morning I put on a weird sweater which is actually quite long and so I hope that it covered what it was open.....I am such a disaster sometimes....
I wrote before that I didn't have a good night sleep and I am terribly tired and zombie like today. Well, I think I touched the bottom a few hours ago. I went to the office next to mine to talk for the first with someone I never talked before to ask him a favor, like using a program on his computer for some analysis......well, my trousers were open! Of course I didn't realize that at that moment, but only later. So, first I have no idea for how long I walked around with my pants open and second, for sure I had them open while talking to this guy.....I am sure I made a great first impression!!!
I am so ashamed! I have to thank the fact that this morning I put on a weird sweater which is actually quite long and so I hope that it covered what it was open.....I am such a disaster sometimes....
I should know better
France, morning
I got to work a few minutes ago. Now, it is 1 pm here. I had a awful night and I wasted my morning for a doctor appointment....at least I could have slept longer....
I should know better to not drink coffee after 5 pm...but yesterday I did it. I needed a bit of boosting before the gym (and I ended up not going to the gym anyway) and so, I had a cup of it around 6.30.
The result has been that I didn't fall asleep till 2 am. I kept moving in my bed without knowing well what to do. Then, when I finally fall asleep, a strong thunderstorm started and since my window was open, it was like having the lightening and the thunders in my room. So, I got up (3 am), went to the bathroom and then close the window, trying to fall asleep again. Then the thunders made my window trembling and making a lot of noise, so that I woke up again at 5 am. At 8 am this morning I woke up to come to work, so I am not sure how much I slept. I look like a zombie....
Let's hope that my afternoon is going to be a bit more productive and that it will stop raining...
I got to work a few minutes ago. Now, it is 1 pm here. I had a awful night and I wasted my morning for a doctor appointment....at least I could have slept longer....
I should know better to not drink coffee after 5 pm...but yesterday I did it. I needed a bit of boosting before the gym (and I ended up not going to the gym anyway) and so, I had a cup of it around 6.30.
The result has been that I didn't fall asleep till 2 am. I kept moving in my bed without knowing well what to do. Then, when I finally fall asleep, a strong thunderstorm started and since my window was open, it was like having the lightening and the thunders in my room. So, I got up (3 am), went to the bathroom and then close the window, trying to fall asleep again. Then the thunders made my window trembling and making a lot of noise, so that I woke up again at 5 am. At 8 am this morning I woke up to come to work, so I am not sure how much I slept. I look like a zombie....
Let's hope that my afternoon is going to be a bit more productive and that it will stop raining...
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I've been tagged too
France, evening
I have been tagged by MissB in California. It took me a bit to understand what that means, but I finally got it. I am not very much into these things, but on the other hand, why not participating for once? so, here I am.....and even if I am not great in strictly following the rules.......
Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person that tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Share 6 non-important/habits/quirks about yourself
4. Tag 6 random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
5 Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website
6. Let your tagger know when your entry is up
1) I love traveling, I do travel a lot, and I hope to keep traveling in the future. It is something I wanted to do since I was really young. I have always been fascinated by different countries and different cultures. I dream of one day having the gut to write down all my traveling experiences in a book.
2) As Piccola, I am totally crazy about my feet. They are long, they are skinny, they are with the pinkies looking inside. I still love them. I think it is the best part of my body (opinion this that none who saw my feet shares with me, but who cares)
3) I love old people. I love talking to them. I love to hear their stories of another time. I love to watch the movies with my grandparents and their friends at my age (and later). My grandfather wrote a diary about his life, from his youth to my uncle birth and I think it was one of the best present I have ever received.
4) I have to fight myself to not bite my nails (this is a thing that I can't stop doing when I am extremely nervous)
5) I collect cups/mugs. I hate that changing continuously the country where I live, I also have to leave stuff (including my cups) beyond
6) I am something like a soyeater/treehugger/birkenstockwearing/sealsaving/granolamunching. I actually don't have the birkenstock and I don't hug trees, but someone really close to me called me like that once and I thought it was cool....and I do try anyway to go green and bio (and I eat soy and granola).
Ok, I made it to six!
Now I have to tag someone who has not been tagged yet. I can't find six people to tag, so I go for:
Claudia
Urban Animal
La Femme
GlitterVictim
Is four enough???
PS time for a cup of tea now...
I have been tagged by MissB in California. It took me a bit to understand what that means, but I finally got it. I am not very much into these things, but on the other hand, why not participating for once? so, here I am.....and even if I am not great in strictly following the rules.......
Here are the rules:
1. Link to the person that tagged you
2. Post the rules on your blog
3. Share 6 non-important/habits/quirks about yourself
4. Tag 6 random people at the end of your post by linking to their blogs
5 Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their website
6. Let your tagger know when your entry is up
1) I love traveling, I do travel a lot, and I hope to keep traveling in the future. It is something I wanted to do since I was really young. I have always been fascinated by different countries and different cultures. I dream of one day having the gut to write down all my traveling experiences in a book.
2) As Piccola, I am totally crazy about my feet. They are long, they are skinny, they are with the pinkies looking inside. I still love them. I think it is the best part of my body (opinion this that none who saw my feet shares with me, but who cares)
3) I love old people. I love talking to them. I love to hear their stories of another time. I love to watch the movies with my grandparents and their friends at my age (and later). My grandfather wrote a diary about his life, from his youth to my uncle birth and I think it was one of the best present I have ever received.
4) I have to fight myself to not bite my nails (this is a thing that I can't stop doing when I am extremely nervous)
5) I collect cups/mugs. I hate that changing continuously the country where I live, I also have to leave stuff (including my cups) beyond
6) I am something like a soyeater/treehugger/birkenstockwearing/sealsaving/granolamunching. I actually don't have the birkenstock and I don't hug trees, but someone really close to me called me like that once and I thought it was cool....and I do try anyway to go green and bio (and I eat soy and granola).
Ok, I made it to six!
Now I have to tag someone who has not been tagged yet. I can't find six people to tag, so I go for:
Claudia
Urban Animal
La Femme
GlitterVictim
Is four enough???
PS time for a cup of tea now...
Monday, October 20, 2008
playing around
cosmic agreement to make my plans always fall apart
France, evening
It is raining cats and dogs here. I had to leave the bike at work. I am not sure of what it is going on, but every time I have some sort of plans since morning, they are never going to happen. I guess there is a bad karma on my morning plans. Take spinning for example. I wanted to go, but of course, the tram was late, I had to make a ticket, I got home late completely soaked with rain, I had to change and BUM too late for spinning...so maybe I have to just improvise my day, than maybe it would work out the way I want....bah...
I have a problem, well one of my problems here...I need a manual on how I should behave. You see? I am trying to be myself, but I actually can't. The point is, I am generally a friendly person, except the case in which someone pisses me off. But if a complete stranger at the tram stop begins to talk to me, I feel that it would be really impolite to not answer. So, I normally answer, and I do it being myself, so in a cheerful way. This allows the person in front of me to completely pass the limit immediately and I am not sure how and why, but after a few seconds this person is already asking me where I live, where I work and all this sort of personal information. The result is that I get immediately annoyed and rude.
This is especially true when the person on the other side is a man. This is also true when the person on the other side is someone I know a little. Be friendly and they think you want to date them, be rude and they will think you are a posh. How can I be just myself and not have any problem? The thing is, while man approaching on the street is not such a common thing that happens in every country (it is actually, beside Italy, the first country where I live in which I experience that), a man confusing being nice with "I want to date you" is much more common, no matter in which country you are. Now, I am not for sure anything like a model. I am not particularly attractive and I am sure if I pass by on the street, men don't look at me. The fact is that I think I am funny and even more, I am extremely friendly (or trying to) with the people I work with. First, because most of the times they are the only people I talk to during the day, second because I like to know people and I like people in general. The problem is that if this "people" is a man, 99% confuses my being nice to him and paying attention to what he says with something more. Of course, sometimes happen that I am actually interested in one of these men and I actually would like to date him, but most of the times no. And especially if there are 6 men at work and I am equally nice to all of them, how can a man think that I would like to date all of them (but believe me, they do...and they even think that when you show more attentions to just one of them)?
The unpleasant end of the story is that when the man comes forward and I reject him:
a) of course is always my fault because I was too nice to him and so he thought that I meant something that I actually didn't mean
b) of course how can I possibly not have a boyfriend and even reject him?
c) depending on the self-confidence of the guy, how can I say no to him when any other woman would pay to date him (which makes me think, ok, so just move on to another woman and don't bother me)
d) most of the times the guy after the rejection starts to behave in a really rude way with me, so what it was for me a nice friend before, became a total asshole after (which is even more of a problem if he works with me)
In all this, I am the same person, behaving the same way. Can I like someone, like to talk to him and not wanting to date him because I am not interested/attracted/whatever?
Apparently no. And it is amazing. Different countries, same problem....Italy, Germany, USA, here too I start to fear.....The only difference is that men from different countries take the rejection more or less personally (and thus behave in a more or less rude way to me after) depending on where they are from.
How can I be friendly to men who work with me, without them necessarily think that I would love to date them? In a place of work where more than 50% of the people are men, it is I guess normal that in a day you will spend some time talking to them, right? I should maybe only talk to men who are married or have a girlfriend, but of course, when I meet someone I can't start a conversation asking them "sorry, are you married? do you have a girlfriend?".....come on, that would certainly be weird....
Anyway, I am thinking about this because today I felt like "ok, here we go again" with a guy who works with me. Maybe he is just friendly, maybe I have prejudices....but you know, bad experiences teach you something.....Right? So, I walked to his office to ask if he wanted to go for lunch together, since all the others already went, but then I preferred to eat alone...
PS. If you think that these kind of episodes would make me feel flattered, no, you are wrong. On the opposite I would say. Rainy hard here. My poor bike is outside.....
It is raining cats and dogs here. I had to leave the bike at work. I am not sure of what it is going on, but every time I have some sort of plans since morning, they are never going to happen. I guess there is a bad karma on my morning plans. Take spinning for example. I wanted to go, but of course, the tram was late, I had to make a ticket, I got home late completely soaked with rain, I had to change and BUM too late for spinning...so maybe I have to just improvise my day, than maybe it would work out the way I want....bah...
I have a problem, well one of my problems here...I need a manual on how I should behave. You see? I am trying to be myself, but I actually can't. The point is, I am generally a friendly person, except the case in which someone pisses me off. But if a complete stranger at the tram stop begins to talk to me, I feel that it would be really impolite to not answer. So, I normally answer, and I do it being myself, so in a cheerful way. This allows the person in front of me to completely pass the limit immediately and I am not sure how and why, but after a few seconds this person is already asking me where I live, where I work and all this sort of personal information. The result is that I get immediately annoyed and rude.
This is especially true when the person on the other side is a man. This is also true when the person on the other side is someone I know a little. Be friendly and they think you want to date them, be rude and they will think you are a posh. How can I be just myself and not have any problem? The thing is, while man approaching on the street is not such a common thing that happens in every country (it is actually, beside Italy, the first country where I live in which I experience that), a man confusing being nice with "I want to date you" is much more common, no matter in which country you are. Now, I am not for sure anything like a model. I am not particularly attractive and I am sure if I pass by on the street, men don't look at me. The fact is that I think I am funny and even more, I am extremely friendly (or trying to) with the people I work with. First, because most of the times they are the only people I talk to during the day, second because I like to know people and I like people in general. The problem is that if this "people" is a man, 99% confuses my being nice to him and paying attention to what he says with something more. Of course, sometimes happen that I am actually interested in one of these men and I actually would like to date him, but most of the times no. And especially if there are 6 men at work and I am equally nice to all of them, how can a man think that I would like to date all of them (but believe me, they do...and they even think that when you show more attentions to just one of them)?
The unpleasant end of the story is that when the man comes forward and I reject him:
a) of course is always my fault because I was too nice to him and so he thought that I meant something that I actually didn't mean
b) of course how can I possibly not have a boyfriend and even reject him?
c) depending on the self-confidence of the guy, how can I say no to him when any other woman would pay to date him (which makes me think, ok, so just move on to another woman and don't bother me)
d) most of the times the guy after the rejection starts to behave in a really rude way with me, so what it was for me a nice friend before, became a total asshole after (which is even more of a problem if he works with me)
In all this, I am the same person, behaving the same way. Can I like someone, like to talk to him and not wanting to date him because I am not interested/attracted/whatever?
Apparently no. And it is amazing. Different countries, same problem....Italy, Germany, USA, here too I start to fear.....The only difference is that men from different countries take the rejection more or less personally (and thus behave in a more or less rude way to me after) depending on where they are from.
How can I be friendly to men who work with me, without them necessarily think that I would love to date them? In a place of work where more than 50% of the people are men, it is I guess normal that in a day you will spend some time talking to them, right? I should maybe only talk to men who are married or have a girlfriend, but of course, when I meet someone I can't start a conversation asking them "sorry, are you married? do you have a girlfriend?".....come on, that would certainly be weird....
Anyway, I am thinking about this because today I felt like "ok, here we go again" with a guy who works with me. Maybe he is just friendly, maybe I have prejudices....but you know, bad experiences teach you something.....Right? So, I walked to his office to ask if he wanted to go for lunch together, since all the others already went, but then I preferred to eat alone...
PS. If you think that these kind of episodes would make me feel flattered, no, you are wrong. On the opposite I would say. Rainy hard here. My poor bike is outside.....
:-(
France, morning
Rain, lot of rain, pms and general dark sky....today I will have to work a lot to keep my mood up...fortunately tonight I have spinning.
Last night, I finished the book, L'eleganza del riccio. I cried at the end. It is so beautiful and so touching that I cried a lot and then I couldn't fall asleep. I got to think that we waste so much time in life, thinking that we will live forever and that what we don't do or don't say today, we will have all the time in the future to say it or to do it.....but this is just not true. None knows what it will happen to us today, in a few hours, tomorrow or in the next months. And we shouldn't waste precious time. We shouldn't risk to not say how much we love and how important they are the people of our lives to them.
This way of thinking, the carpe diem, the live today like if it was your last day is not really my general phylosophy of life. I am a too thinking person to act so much like if it was my last day on Earth and I like to think that I still have plenty of time....but for sure, I should learn to waste less time and make sure that the people I love know how important they are too me and in my life. I wonder if they all know....on the other hand it would be weird to call them or write them and say, hey do you know how important you are in my life?....I guess that some of them would answer me yes, and then?
.....things are never easy...not even when you know the theory well....
Time to work now...
Rain, lot of rain, pms and general dark sky....today I will have to work a lot to keep my mood up...fortunately tonight I have spinning.
Last night, I finished the book, L'eleganza del riccio. I cried at the end. It is so beautiful and so touching that I cried a lot and then I couldn't fall asleep. I got to think that we waste so much time in life, thinking that we will live forever and that what we don't do or don't say today, we will have all the time in the future to say it or to do it.....but this is just not true. None knows what it will happen to us today, in a few hours, tomorrow or in the next months. And we shouldn't waste precious time. We shouldn't risk to not say how much we love and how important they are the people of our lives to them.
This way of thinking, the carpe diem, the live today like if it was your last day is not really my general phylosophy of life. I am a too thinking person to act so much like if it was my last day on Earth and I like to think that I still have plenty of time....but for sure, I should learn to waste less time and make sure that the people I love know how important they are too me and in my life. I wonder if they all know....on the other hand it would be weird to call them or write them and say, hey do you know how important you are in my life?....I guess that some of them would answer me yes, and then?
.....things are never easy...not even when you know the theory well....
Time to work now...
Sunday, October 19, 2008
slowly
France, lunch time
Slowly, I get to know the area where I live better. This morning, for the first time after almost 4 months that I live here, I went to look for the open market near downtown. I found it. It is rather small (it seems that on saturday there is a nicer one just 3 minutes from my building), but nice. I bought two small plants (since an apartment without plants looks sad) to put on my window. They are cute....can I use "cute" for plants???
I also bought some Lapsang tea, that I am now enjoying while I am reading my book. I am quite lazy today.....
I just need a terrarium with at least an animal and my apartment would start to look warmer....I miss not having pets, but with all this moving across the world (one year here, one year there), how can I have animals with me? :-(
PS. I have a sharp pain in my back/left shoulder and I have no idea how I got it...I think I am really getting old...if I don't exercise regularly, all the stress just reveals itself with sharp back pains....time to hit the gym or go for a run.....and I am also in pms......ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....I hate pms...............
Slowly, I get to know the area where I live better. This morning, for the first time after almost 4 months that I live here, I went to look for the open market near downtown. I found it. It is rather small (it seems that on saturday there is a nicer one just 3 minutes from my building), but nice. I bought two small plants (since an apartment without plants looks sad) to put on my window. They are cute....can I use "cute" for plants???
I also bought some Lapsang tea, that I am now enjoying while I am reading my book. I am quite lazy today.....
I just need a terrarium with at least an animal and my apartment would start to look warmer....I miss not having pets, but with all this moving across the world (one year here, one year there), how can I have animals with me? :-(
PS. I have a sharp pain in my back/left shoulder and I have no idea how I got it...I think I am really getting old...if I don't exercise regularly, all the stress just reveals itself with sharp back pains....time to hit the gym or go for a run.....and I am also in pms......ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....I hate pms...............
Saturday, October 18, 2008
L'eleganza del riccio
France, afternoonI am enjoying my coffee and reading a book, listening to some music as a background. This is one of the moments I enjoy most. Coffee with soja milk, a good book and some good music. A lot of things I love, all together.
Anyway, I heard a lot about this book "L'eleganza del riccio" of Muriel Barbery (l'elegance du herisson in French, The elegance of the hedgehog in English) and I am not sure if I like the book or not yet, but for sure I enjoy reading it and I love the teenager, one of the two main characters of the book. I warmly suggest to everyone to read it.
Ok, now I gotta stop to go for the facial....
with the head in the clouds
France, morning
Yesterday evening I went food shopping. I came back from work, eat an orange and got out again. As I wrote already in some other entries, I don't know why, but most of the times when I eat something I end up dropping food on myself. Yesterday was the orange. I put some water on all the orange spots on my sweater, went to brush my teeth and by the time I got out of my apartment (10 seconds later), I already forgot that I had water spots all over my sweater. I realized that only when I was already close to the supermarket. I don't want to know what people thought seeing me walking around in my sweater with water spots on it.
This morning, I quickly went downstairs to buy a baguette for breakfast. I was in my gym comfy suit, with dirty hair (I still didn't wash them) and a sleepy face.
I came back and I thought on my grandmothers. Both of them would never leave the house without being perfectly dressed, with the hair at their best, perfume and make up. My sister is like that too. Me instead, I have my own whatever style. If I have a date (well, if I still remember what a date is) or something important, then I dress up. In my daily life I just like to play with clothing and colors depending on my mood and for quick things I use the whatever style, which may well be my awful house clothing.
PS today is going to be hard. I got some distance from two important people of my life, exactly to try to put my life back on track again and not being passive. But the week ends are hard. Good I booked the facial and that I have some good books to read and the weather is nice.
Yesterday evening I went food shopping. I came back from work, eat an orange and got out again. As I wrote already in some other entries, I don't know why, but most of the times when I eat something I end up dropping food on myself. Yesterday was the orange. I put some water on all the orange spots on my sweater, went to brush my teeth and by the time I got out of my apartment (10 seconds later), I already forgot that I had water spots all over my sweater. I realized that only when I was already close to the supermarket. I don't want to know what people thought seeing me walking around in my sweater with water spots on it.
This morning, I quickly went downstairs to buy a baguette for breakfast. I was in my gym comfy suit, with dirty hair (I still didn't wash them) and a sleepy face.
I came back and I thought on my grandmothers. Both of them would never leave the house without being perfectly dressed, with the hair at their best, perfume and make up. My sister is like that too. Me instead, I have my own whatever style. If I have a date (well, if I still remember what a date is) or something important, then I dress up. In my daily life I just like to play with clothing and colors depending on my mood and for quick things I use the whatever style, which may well be my awful house clothing.
PS today is going to be hard. I got some distance from two important people of my life, exactly to try to put my life back on track again and not being passive. But the week ends are hard. Good I booked the facial and that I have some good books to read and the weather is nice.
Friday, October 17, 2008
passive
France, evening
First, I have to say that I love the website with the dutch words. You can listen to their pronunciation and since dutch to me sounds as a strange language, I just love it. I actually have one of these cds that you buy hoping to learn a language. Well, I didn't learn the language yet (dutch), but sometimes I play the cd just to relax. Dutch sounds relaxing to me. What can I say??? I know I am a bit weird....
I booked a facial for tomorrow in a spa close to my apartment. I feel I need to pamper myself. I also went to the supermarket tonight and I bought the fish sticks....does the word fish sticks make sense in English? I have no idea how these things are called in any other language than Italian (bastoncini di pesce). Anyway, I love them, even if every time I think that it looks like a food for kids...but, oh, well...who cares. They are good.
I biked home today thinking that I became a passive person. I have always been a fighter, but these last two years in some way sucked out of me all my energies, leaving me with nothing more than the energy to carry on day by day. I know sorry, it is not very exciting. It will get better. It will. Dunno when, but it will. Anyway, I really don't have the energy to fight for big or small things anymore and so I just leave things happening, even if sometimes they bother me or the make me sad.
Let's start from the easiest things that I could do to improve my life a bit and I don't do because the only idea of doing them make me tired. My neighbour: the stinky carpet is still there and not only is in the middle of the way but it seriously stink so much that the corridor between our two apartments is a place where not stand for longer than a second if you don't want to vomit. How difficult would be to ring their bell and let them notice that the carpet stink and it is there since some days and if they can remove it? Nothing. Every single day that I get back home I think, ok now the smell is too much. I will ring their bell. And then I think that the guy is big and doesn't look too friendly, that I want to avoid a discussion and maybe further problems and so at the end, I quickly open the door, enter into my apartment and forget about it. And this is one.
Second. My ex-boss pisses me so off that every single time I receive an email, even if it would be a friendly email (which is never the case anyway), I get stressed even before to open it. I let my ex-boss ruin so much my mood that to avoid any possible discussion or email exchange, I just do whatever it is written in the email, even if this costs me a lot (of time, of energy, of everything). I just spent the past week working on something my ex-boss wanted in a certain way to avoid any possible argument. I know it is pretty stupid.
The thing is, I am not becoming numb or careless, which would justify why I don't react. No, on the opposite, I get stress, I cry, but then if I think how much drama could be questioning things, I just do whatever someone asks me or let other people do what they want. Of course, this behavior is the same also in my personal relationships. You can cover me with shit before I react. And in terms of relationships, I am even more passive. I am always so afraid to lose a person (my boyfriend or a good friend) that if I say something, it is really because I can take it anymore. Of course if this other person reacts, I get so scared that I immediately back up.
Beside being a problem in terms of quality of life for me, it is also a problem because when I explode (in case of a rare event), it is really an explosion now. Most of the time, I just close myself off and cry all my tears...which is not really healthy. I will have to practice a bit more of strong sports, like spinning, and maybe also some sport to release some aggressiveness, like kick boxing...I should....
First, I have to say that I love the website with the dutch words. You can listen to their pronunciation and since dutch to me sounds as a strange language, I just love it. I actually have one of these cds that you buy hoping to learn a language. Well, I didn't learn the language yet (dutch), but sometimes I play the cd just to relax. Dutch sounds relaxing to me. What can I say??? I know I am a bit weird....
I booked a facial for tomorrow in a spa close to my apartment. I feel I need to pamper myself. I also went to the supermarket tonight and I bought the fish sticks....does the word fish sticks make sense in English? I have no idea how these things are called in any other language than Italian (bastoncini di pesce). Anyway, I love them, even if every time I think that it looks like a food for kids...but, oh, well...who cares. They are good.
I biked home today thinking that I became a passive person. I have always been a fighter, but these last two years in some way sucked out of me all my energies, leaving me with nothing more than the energy to carry on day by day. I know sorry, it is not very exciting. It will get better. It will. Dunno when, but it will. Anyway, I really don't have the energy to fight for big or small things anymore and so I just leave things happening, even if sometimes they bother me or the make me sad.
Let's start from the easiest things that I could do to improve my life a bit and I don't do because the only idea of doing them make me tired. My neighbour: the stinky carpet is still there and not only is in the middle of the way but it seriously stink so much that the corridor between our two apartments is a place where not stand for longer than a second if you don't want to vomit. How difficult would be to ring their bell and let them notice that the carpet stink and it is there since some days and if they can remove it? Nothing. Every single day that I get back home I think, ok now the smell is too much. I will ring their bell. And then I think that the guy is big and doesn't look too friendly, that I want to avoid a discussion and maybe further problems and so at the end, I quickly open the door, enter into my apartment and forget about it. And this is one.
Second. My ex-boss pisses me so off that every single time I receive an email, even if it would be a friendly email (which is never the case anyway), I get stressed even before to open it. I let my ex-boss ruin so much my mood that to avoid any possible discussion or email exchange, I just do whatever it is written in the email, even if this costs me a lot (of time, of energy, of everything). I just spent the past week working on something my ex-boss wanted in a certain way to avoid any possible argument. I know it is pretty stupid.
The thing is, I am not becoming numb or careless, which would justify why I don't react. No, on the opposite, I get stress, I cry, but then if I think how much drama could be questioning things, I just do whatever someone asks me or let other people do what they want. Of course, this behavior is the same also in my personal relationships. You can cover me with shit before I react. And in terms of relationships, I am even more passive. I am always so afraid to lose a person (my boyfriend or a good friend) that if I say something, it is really because I can take it anymore. Of course if this other person reacts, I get so scared that I immediately back up.
Beside being a problem in terms of quality of life for me, it is also a problem because when I explode (in case of a rare event), it is really an explosion now. Most of the time, I just close myself off and cry all my tears...which is not really healthy. I will have to practice a bit more of strong sports, like spinning, and maybe also some sport to release some aggressiveness, like kick boxing...I should....
Thursday, October 16, 2008
early meeting
France, night
I am going to bed now. I hope I will have no nightmares and I will sleep. I have an early meeting tomorrow. Early as 10 am....yeah, for me it is early. My brain can't work before 12.
PS. I hope that by tomorrow my neighbors will have removed their carpet from the way. I think their cat pee on the carpet, so they changed it (they were changing it with a lot of noise at 2 am some nights ago) and they left the big, smelly, old carpet outside my door, between my and their doors. Since here it is still warm, and cat pee stinks normally, you can imagine the lovely perfume I can smell every single time I open my apartment door...
I am going to bed now. I hope I will have no nightmares and I will sleep. I have an early meeting tomorrow. Early as 10 am....yeah, for me it is early. My brain can't work before 12.
PS. I hope that by tomorrow my neighbors will have removed their carpet from the way. I think their cat pee on the carpet, so they changed it (they were changing it with a lot of noise at 2 am some nights ago) and they left the big, smelly, old carpet outside my door, between my and their doors. Since here it is still warm, and cat pee stinks normally, you can imagine the lovely perfume I can smell every single time I open my apartment door...
It keeps getting worse
France, evening
Italy is famous again in the scientific world. On the last issue of Nature, there is a wonderful editorial on how to save the economy of the country and the best solution seems to be to cut funding for research. We are already one of the European countries (as EU) that invests less in research, especially basic research (as my uncle would say, why bother? it doesn't improve the human quality of life at all...of course, he is wrong...). Now instead of giving less money to the politicians, to have less and better politicians in Government and maybe start from there, no we look for a quick and dirty solution. What is the most useless category of workers that we have in Italy? researchers (postdoc of course in primis). Ok, let's cut their funding to save some money.
Well done Italy! why can't we learn something useful from other countries??? A few months ago I got a job posted with more than 200 opened permanent positions in Spain. In this moment of general economic crisis, how can Spain manage to hire more than 200 researchers giving them a permanent job while only Italy manages to cut their funding?
I guess we will have to wait a long long time before to have another Nobel prize in Italy....
PS This is not a political post. Of course I am angry at the current proposal, but if the Italian economy is so bad is not the fault of the current government but of years and years of bad governments.
Italy is famous again in the scientific world. On the last issue of Nature, there is a wonderful editorial on how to save the economy of the country and the best solution seems to be to cut funding for research. We are already one of the European countries (as EU) that invests less in research, especially basic research (as my uncle would say, why bother? it doesn't improve the human quality of life at all...of course, he is wrong...). Now instead of giving less money to the politicians, to have less and better politicians in Government and maybe start from there, no we look for a quick and dirty solution. What is the most useless category of workers that we have in Italy? researchers (postdoc of course in primis). Ok, let's cut their funding to save some money.
Well done Italy! why can't we learn something useful from other countries??? A few months ago I got a job posted with more than 200 opened permanent positions in Spain. In this moment of general economic crisis, how can Spain manage to hire more than 200 researchers giving them a permanent job while only Italy manages to cut their funding?
I guess we will have to wait a long long time before to have another Nobel prize in Italy....
PS This is not a political post. Of course I am angry at the current proposal, but if the Italian economy is so bad is not the fault of the current government but of years and years of bad governments.
spinning, French course, lunch downtown
France, evening
This was my plan for today. I thought I deserved to pamper myself a bit, since if I don't do it, I am not sure who will. I woke up thinking of coming back downtown for lunch, take it easy for an hour and then go back to work and work till 5 pm. Then bike to the place where I should have had my first class of French course and then finally a killing hour of spinning at the gym.
Instead my day was:
wake up. Can't get out of bed. I have to wake up. No, I want to sleep a bit longer. I have to wake up. It is cozy in bed. I have to wake up. Shit, it is already 8.30. I have to definitely wake up. I don't have any more yogurt for breakfast, I didn't have time to buy it. I have some old bread from yesterday. It tasted like chewingum, but it is going to be my breakfast with some grapes.
Breakfast done, shower then. Done, out of the door. Shit, how can it be that it is already 10? get the bike, stop at the pharmacy to try to buy some cream with a prescription from the USA. No, I need a prescription from a French doctor. Ok, no cream. Bike to work. Get to work. Start to work. Puzzling results in my work. Getting completely frustrated. Starting to work on something else till lunch time. My boss comes in. He has a short break to check my results. "Can we do it in 15 minutes?" he asks. Fine, I go to get a sandwich. It is 1.15 pm and I didn't eat yet.
Going to the sandwich place. Full of people, I wait 15 minutes, nothing, still 4 people in front of me. Ok, dunno how much time my boss has for me. I don't eat now. I go back. I get back and tell him that I am ready, I will eat later. Phone ringing. He answers. Almost 1 hour passed by. I didn't eat, he is still on the phone. 2.20 pm now. Ok, I tell to the technician that I go to get something to eat. "No, he is done, then he has to teach. He is not going to talk longer on the phone". I wait. 2:30 pm. Still on the phone. Ok, I go. I get the sandwich and get back. He has 10 minutes to quickly check some of my results, then he had to run to teach. Perfect. Back at 4 pm.
4 pm sharp. Meeting starts. Yeah, yeah, I am doing some pretty cool stuff. I made a lot of mistakes here and there still. Things can be done in an easier way. Perfect. End of the meeting 5.30 pm. French course starting just now. Biking from work to the course: 20 minutes. Ok, I am not going, I will fix this stuff for work (the easier way). Working till 7:30 pm. Too late for the gym. I just got home (8:00 pm). I ate half of the sandwich an hour ago. I am done with dinner. I can go to bed right now. No, I have to do some more work, otherwise I would forget what my boss explained to me today.
Uhmmmmmmmmmm......to conclude. No spinning, no French course, no lunch downtown.
PS. The lattuce in the sandwich was not washed, so I ate a bit of dirt too.
Ok, tomorrow is going to be better......................It has to be..................I can't just work, eat and sleep. Can I? and then my friends and family tell me that I have to relax. Sorry, I wish I could, but that needs time too.......
This was my plan for today. I thought I deserved to pamper myself a bit, since if I don't do it, I am not sure who will. I woke up thinking of coming back downtown for lunch, take it easy for an hour and then go back to work and work till 5 pm. Then bike to the place where I should have had my first class of French course and then finally a killing hour of spinning at the gym.
Instead my day was:
wake up. Can't get out of bed. I have to wake up. No, I want to sleep a bit longer. I have to wake up. It is cozy in bed. I have to wake up. Shit, it is already 8.30. I have to definitely wake up. I don't have any more yogurt for breakfast, I didn't have time to buy it. I have some old bread from yesterday. It tasted like chewingum, but it is going to be my breakfast with some grapes.
Breakfast done, shower then. Done, out of the door. Shit, how can it be that it is already 10? get the bike, stop at the pharmacy to try to buy some cream with a prescription from the USA. No, I need a prescription from a French doctor. Ok, no cream. Bike to work. Get to work. Start to work. Puzzling results in my work. Getting completely frustrated. Starting to work on something else till lunch time. My boss comes in. He has a short break to check my results. "Can we do it in 15 minutes?" he asks. Fine, I go to get a sandwich. It is 1.15 pm and I didn't eat yet.
Going to the sandwich place. Full of people, I wait 15 minutes, nothing, still 4 people in front of me. Ok, dunno how much time my boss has for me. I don't eat now. I go back. I get back and tell him that I am ready, I will eat later. Phone ringing. He answers. Almost 1 hour passed by. I didn't eat, he is still on the phone. 2.20 pm now. Ok, I tell to the technician that I go to get something to eat. "No, he is done, then he has to teach. He is not going to talk longer on the phone". I wait. 2:30 pm. Still on the phone. Ok, I go. I get the sandwich and get back. He has 10 minutes to quickly check some of my results, then he had to run to teach. Perfect. Back at 4 pm.
4 pm sharp. Meeting starts. Yeah, yeah, I am doing some pretty cool stuff. I made a lot of mistakes here and there still. Things can be done in an easier way. Perfect. End of the meeting 5.30 pm. French course starting just now. Biking from work to the course: 20 minutes. Ok, I am not going, I will fix this stuff for work (the easier way). Working till 7:30 pm. Too late for the gym. I just got home (8:00 pm). I ate half of the sandwich an hour ago. I am done with dinner. I can go to bed right now. No, I have to do some more work, otherwise I would forget what my boss explained to me today.
Uhmmmmmmmmmm......to conclude. No spinning, no French course, no lunch downtown.
PS. The lattuce in the sandwich was not washed, so I ate a bit of dirt too.
Ok, tomorrow is going to be better......................It has to be..................I can't just work, eat and sleep. Can I? and then my friends and family tell me that I have to relax. Sorry, I wish I could, but that needs time too.......
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
no spinning tonight
France, evening
I wanted to go home earlier from work today. Instead, I am still here. I wanted to go to spinning to relax and get some distraction. Instead, nothing. Today has been a tough day, with not enough sleep last night, tears and a crappy half of the morning. The morning started with me stopping by at small supermarket to buy some water. I was by bike, so since I bought two bottles, I asked to the guy if he had a plastic bag. And his answer was: "not because they break"....ok, which kind of answer is this? do you have the plastic bags or not? No, he didn't anyway. And the reason why he doesn't have plastic bags anymore is because they break. This is what he explained to me......well, I guess it depends on what you put in there...I left the shop, jumped on my bike and biked to work balancing the two bottles of water. I am glad I didn't end up to be run over by a car.....
Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Hopefully. Now, I will go home, prepare something to eat and then watch some episodes of sex and the city. At least that is relaxing!!!
PS. I don't believe in horoscopes, but sometimes I read them out of curiosity...the one of today is quite interesting considering my general mood...sorry, it is in Italian
Il giorno fa sempre parte di quelli che andrebbero vissuti con attenzione per evitare qualche trappola. Non farti inutilmente cattivo sangue, come tutte le cose di questo mondo anche gli aspetti disarmonici non sono eterni
I wanted to go home earlier from work today. Instead, I am still here. I wanted to go to spinning to relax and get some distraction. Instead, nothing. Today has been a tough day, with not enough sleep last night, tears and a crappy half of the morning. The morning started with me stopping by at small supermarket to buy some water. I was by bike, so since I bought two bottles, I asked to the guy if he had a plastic bag. And his answer was: "not because they break"....ok, which kind of answer is this? do you have the plastic bags or not? No, he didn't anyway. And the reason why he doesn't have plastic bags anymore is because they break. This is what he explained to me......well, I guess it depends on what you put in there...I left the shop, jumped on my bike and biked to work balancing the two bottles of water. I am glad I didn't end up to be run over by a car.....
Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Hopefully. Now, I will go home, prepare something to eat and then watch some episodes of sex and the city. At least that is relaxing!!!
PS. I don't believe in horoscopes, but sometimes I read them out of curiosity...the one of today is quite interesting considering my general mood...sorry, it is in Italian
Il giorno fa sempre parte di quelli che andrebbero vissuti con attenzione per evitare qualche trappola. Non farti inutilmente cattivo sangue, come tutte le cose di questo mondo anche gli aspetti disarmonici non sono eterni
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
sometimes
France, morning
Sometimes I really feel I am a masochist.
I had nightmares last night. I slept really little. Now I am at work and the only thing I manage to do it is to stare the computer.
I wonder if sometimes I just convince myself of something or if it is really like the way I see it.
Sometimes I really feel I am a masochist.
I had nightmares last night. I slept really little. Now I am at work and the only thing I manage to do it is to stare the computer.
I wonder if sometimes I just convince myself of something or if it is really like the way I see it.
Monday, October 13, 2008
The French shower
Till few weeks ago I had no idea of what a French shower is and my only experience on French shower is that the showers here are really small. And that's about it. Once Scott told me that he thought that in Europe people don't shower enough and they are on average dirtier than Americans. Of course, being European and not being able to start my day without a shower, I took that as an offense. Beside, I have been living in a lot of different European countries, I have a lot of European friends, my ex boyfriends are both European and so I thought that his judge was highly biased by the few Europeans he knows.
Of course, you can always find the stinky European, but you can also find a stinky American, right? Then, I have been traveling around for conferences in the past two weeks and I met a lot of Europeans and I have to say, taking a shower was on average not the main priority of each day.
I guess I have been really lucky to live till now in countries where people normally shower every day and have friends and boyfriends who change their shirt every day, they shower regularly and they are clean. But honestly, after living in France I started to have some doubt about how many times in a week French shower. Of course, probably I am generalizing, but you know, I am not that politically correct and yes, I think that French, at least the majority of the ones I met, don't shower enough, don't change their clothing and they don't care if they smell a lot or not. They make up a lot, sure, but shower is another thing.
Someone could tell me that this is more natural, that in this way you can smell better each other pheromones (a bit of science here), so you can attract more possible partners and so on. Beside the fact that someone who stinks wouldn't attract me (but not everyone fortunately is like me), the reason why perfumes have been invented is exactly to attract others.
French are not alone anyway. I found out that also Italians (I know, it can't possibly be, but it is painfully true) are not among the cleanest European. I would like to make a statistics, but based on my observations I would guess that men change their t-shirt or shirt every two days (in winter even after 3 days?) and they shower every second day. Women in Italy are much better. Outside in any case everyone looks good and wears perfume.
A general opinion is that if you don't see or feel the sweat, you don't transpire and thus you don't sweat and thus you don't smell.
Swiss are bad too. You see all the Swiss really elegant, going in and out of banks, looking important and then you find out (well, you smell it) that beside the appearance, they don't shower that much either. Then welcome to Portugal, the winner! I guess that maybe there they sweat so much, that it was a common decision to save water and resources and then to not take a shower more than once a week, not do the laundry more than once a month and wear the same clothing for multiple days in a row till they can stand alone.
I have to admit that my sample' size is not that big, that no statistician would accept my results and that I am sure I forgot some country (where I haven't been or I haven't meet anyone from or they just didn't smell). I will be happy to read other people experience about that.
I have anyway a question, are seriously Americans on average, of all the big and large America, so clean to shower and change their clothing every day?
PS. The French shower for the ones who don't know yet, it is when you don't shower and just pretend to be clean wearing a lot of perfume.
I guess I have been really lucky to live till now in countries where people normally shower every day and have friends and boyfriends who change their shirt every day, they shower regularly and they are clean. But honestly, after living in France I started to have some doubt about how many times in a week French shower. Of course, probably I am generalizing, but you know, I am not that politically correct and yes, I think that French, at least the majority of the ones I met, don't shower enough, don't change their clothing and they don't care if they smell a lot or not. They make up a lot, sure, but shower is another thing.
Someone could tell me that this is more natural, that in this way you can smell better each other pheromones (a bit of science here), so you can attract more possible partners and so on. Beside the fact that someone who stinks wouldn't attract me (but not everyone fortunately is like me), the reason why perfumes have been invented is exactly to attract others.
French are not alone anyway. I found out that also Italians (I know, it can't possibly be, but it is painfully true) are not among the cleanest European. I would like to make a statistics, but based on my observations I would guess that men change their t-shirt or shirt every two days (in winter even after 3 days?) and they shower every second day. Women in Italy are much better. Outside in any case everyone looks good and wears perfume.
A general opinion is that if you don't see or feel the sweat, you don't transpire and thus you don't sweat and thus you don't smell.
Swiss are bad too. You see all the Swiss really elegant, going in and out of banks, looking important and then you find out (well, you smell it) that beside the appearance, they don't shower that much either. Then welcome to Portugal, the winner! I guess that maybe there they sweat so much, that it was a common decision to save water and resources and then to not take a shower more than once a week, not do the laundry more than once a month and wear the same clothing for multiple days in a row till they can stand alone.
I have to admit that my sample' size is not that big, that no statistician would accept my results and that I am sure I forgot some country (where I haven't been or I haven't meet anyone from or they just didn't smell). I will be happy to read other people experience about that.
I have anyway a question, are seriously Americans on average, of all the big and large America, so clean to shower and change their clothing every day?
PS. The French shower for the ones who don't know yet, it is when you don't shower and just pretend to be clean wearing a lot of perfume.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
the bad break up
France, evening
I always thought that. Watching sex and the city tells you a lot about relationships. It also helps to open your eyes. Anyway, I was just watching an episode of the 3rd season in which Carrie says that she is not ready to date again and the guy asks her "bad break up?". Basically she is afraid of being hurt again, so the easiest way to avoid that is to avoid another relationship.
Then I thought that women are divided in two categories. The one who can't be alone for not even 5 seconds and most of the times they already have another relationship before to end the one they are in. And women who got so hurt in their past, that they avoid any potentially happy relationship to avoid to deeply fall in love again, hope, make ideal plans and then being hurt again.
I don't need to specify to which category I belong to.
I always thought that. Watching sex and the city tells you a lot about relationships. It also helps to open your eyes. Anyway, I was just watching an episode of the 3rd season in which Carrie says that she is not ready to date again and the guy asks her "bad break up?". Basically she is afraid of being hurt again, so the easiest way to avoid that is to avoid another relationship.
Then I thought that women are divided in two categories. The one who can't be alone for not even 5 seconds and most of the times they already have another relationship before to end the one they are in. And women who got so hurt in their past, that they avoid any potentially happy relationship to avoid to deeply fall in love again, hope, make ideal plans and then being hurt again.
I don't need to specify to which category I belong to.
new style
France, morning
At the end I cut my hair yesterday. When I am in the kind of mood I was yesterday, I need to change something in my life. So, I finally decided to cut my hair. I cut about 30 cm. Not too much, but visible enough. I am not sure if I look better or worst, but it is just too late to think about it now. It just made me feel better after, so it was worth it.
Now I need to go for a run or some sport, I have too much energy to release.
At the end I cut my hair yesterday. When I am in the kind of mood I was yesterday, I need to change something in my life. So, I finally decided to cut my hair. I cut about 30 cm. Not too much, but visible enough. I am not sure if I look better or worst, but it is just too late to think about it now. It just made me feel better after, so it was worth it.
Now I need to go for a run or some sport, I have too much energy to release.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
increasing anger
France, evening
My mood today changes continuously. Now I am really, really angry. This is due to the fact that I am working on something and my ex-boss is an idiot. The problem is that my ex-boss is a well-established idiot with a lot of friends and a good solid position (which I have now some idea about how it has been obtained). So, I can't piss off my ex-boss too much. But when you deal with an idiot who treats you as a first year student, even if you are a postdoc, when tells you to do things in a way that make no sense and interest none except my ex-boss, not exploding is quite difficult. In my mind I already experienced all the possible revenges, but none seems feasible enough. The worst is that I am not at all a vindictive person, but when you keep being pushed multiple times over the edge, it comes a moment when it is too much. This is the moment for me. My ex-boss gets the worst out of me.
Does anyone have any idea of a) how I can decrease my anger and frustration b) not do what my ex-boss wants and still make it happy c) deal with an idiot?
I would like to not always be alone to fight my battles. Sometimes it would be nice to know that you have someone that no matter in how much shit you are dig in, still loves you and is there for you in case of need.
My mood today changes continuously. Now I am really, really angry. This is due to the fact that I am working on something and my ex-boss is an idiot. The problem is that my ex-boss is a well-established idiot with a lot of friends and a good solid position (which I have now some idea about how it has been obtained). So, I can't piss off my ex-boss too much. But when you deal with an idiot who treats you as a first year student, even if you are a postdoc, when tells you to do things in a way that make no sense and interest none except my ex-boss, not exploding is quite difficult. In my mind I already experienced all the possible revenges, but none seems feasible enough. The worst is that I am not at all a vindictive person, but when you keep being pushed multiple times over the edge, it comes a moment when it is too much. This is the moment for me. My ex-boss gets the worst out of me.
Does anyone have any idea of a) how I can decrease my anger and frustration b) not do what my ex-boss wants and still make it happy c) deal with an idiot?
I would like to not always be alone to fight my battles. Sometimes it would be nice to know that you have someone that no matter in how much shit you are dig in, still loves you and is there for you in case of need.
ready for the autumn
France, evening
I am ready. I bought a lot of tea bags, lot of vegetables to cook, lot of typical fall food. I am ready for the autumn weather, but it seems that the weather is not ready for it.
Downtown today I saw people dressed like if it is still August and people pretending it was already winter, thus wearing wool stuff. It is still quite warm and it doesn't seem that the autumn started yet. I don't know why, but I am a big fan of the changing of the seasons. I always have problems if I have to live in a place where there are not four well defined seasons. Of course, after two months of cold winter, I dream of living in a place where it is spring all year long. But in the same way, after a few months of rainy and windy fall, I look forward to wear warm clothing and to the "real" winter.
Beside this, in these days I keep thinking about Amsterdam. I always feel that Amsterdam is the right place to be to fully enjoy the autumn days. They have the best dutch apple pie, to which I am addicted. They have really nice, friendly cafe' where to hide when outside it rains too strong and they have a lot of theaters, cinemas and things to do indoor and outdoor, making possible to always find a refuge in case of bad or good weather.
I am not complaining about Montpellier and the nice weather. I am just fully ready for a "real" autumn day!
I am ready. I bought a lot of tea bags, lot of vegetables to cook, lot of typical fall food. I am ready for the autumn weather, but it seems that the weather is not ready for it.
Downtown today I saw people dressed like if it is still August and people pretending it was already winter, thus wearing wool stuff. It is still quite warm and it doesn't seem that the autumn started yet. I don't know why, but I am a big fan of the changing of the seasons. I always have problems if I have to live in a place where there are not four well defined seasons. Of course, after two months of cold winter, I dream of living in a place where it is spring all year long. But in the same way, after a few months of rainy and windy fall, I look forward to wear warm clothing and to the "real" winter.
Beside this, in these days I keep thinking about Amsterdam. I always feel that Amsterdam is the right place to be to fully enjoy the autumn days. They have the best dutch apple pie, to which I am addicted. They have really nice, friendly cafe' where to hide when outside it rains too strong and they have a lot of theaters, cinemas and things to do indoor and outdoor, making possible to always find a refuge in case of bad or good weather.
I am not complaining about Montpellier and the nice weather. I am just fully ready for a "real" autumn day!
homesick
France, morning
I am homesick. Not homesick meaning that I miss my home town or my mum's house in Italy, but more that I feel that I move so much from one place to the other, all the time, that my home is the world, which may seem cool, but also means that I have no stable place to be called home.
I just got back to France, after some weeks of traveling and meeting people who mean a lot to me. I feel lonely now, here. Who thinks that doing things or meeting new people could actually work against feeling lonely, never experienced the kind of loneliness I feel now. It is not that I don't have friends here or that I don't like here. It is the opposite. But I also feel that everything in my life is temporary. The people I know here will move soon or later (someone quite soon actually) or I will move again. I feel like it is not worth investing in something, in having a life here, when my life here is just temporary. I just don't feel grounded. I don't feel part of something. I just feel always on the move. And this makes me feel lonely.
This morning I went downstairs to buy a baguette for breakfast. I would have loved to come back home and prepare breakfast not only for myself. I need to feel part of something bigger than just myself. Ok, my mood is not at its best, I know. It is just that I enjoyed the past weeks so much that now it is difficult to come back to my life here.
I am homesick. Not homesick meaning that I miss my home town or my mum's house in Italy, but more that I feel that I move so much from one place to the other, all the time, that my home is the world, which may seem cool, but also means that I have no stable place to be called home.
I just got back to France, after some weeks of traveling and meeting people who mean a lot to me. I feel lonely now, here. Who thinks that doing things or meeting new people could actually work against feeling lonely, never experienced the kind of loneliness I feel now. It is not that I don't have friends here or that I don't like here. It is the opposite. But I also feel that everything in my life is temporary. The people I know here will move soon or later (someone quite soon actually) or I will move again. I feel like it is not worth investing in something, in having a life here, when my life here is just temporary. I just don't feel grounded. I don't feel part of something. I just feel always on the move. And this makes me feel lonely.
This morning I went downstairs to buy a baguette for breakfast. I would have loved to come back home and prepare breakfast not only for myself. I need to feel part of something bigger than just myself. Ok, my mood is not at its best, I know. It is just that I enjoyed the past weeks so much that now it is difficult to come back to my life here.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
before the departure
Italy, night
Last night I went with my mum to see Mamma mia! the movie. We loved it. We also saw together the Broadway show. It is such a happy movie/show.
This morning I woke up with the desire of cutting my hair. I wanted them shorter, let's say above my shoulders. But then I realized that my face would look even more rounded, I looked at my hair and I decided that I look better like I am now. So, no hair cut.
I will anyway spend some hours at my favorite spa here before the long bus trip. I booked a manicure, pedicure and a total body massage. I am so looking forward to this pampering.
Last night I went with my mum to see Mamma mia! the movie. We loved it. We also saw together the Broadway show. It is such a happy movie/show.
This morning I woke up with the desire of cutting my hair. I wanted them shorter, let's say above my shoulders. But then I realized that my face would look even more rounded, I looked at my hair and I decided that I look better like I am now. So, no hair cut.
I will anyway spend some hours at my favorite spa here before the long bus trip. I booked a manicure, pedicure and a total body massage. I am so looking forward to this pampering.
the person of my life
Italy, night
I was on the bus with the people attending the conference in Sardinia. We were all going to the social dinner, when a guy who I never met before and with whom I never talked till that moment, told me that the person of his life, his soul mate, is from my home town.
Beside the fact that I thought it was not the moment or the right place for such a confidence, this was just the beginning of his moment of sharing his personal life with me. After such a confession, he in fact also told me that a) the person of his life now lives in Australia, while he lives in Milano b) he is married to someone who is not this person c) the person to whom he is married is then not the person of his life d) he realized too late that the person he let go was his soul mate e) he had no choice that marrying someone else.....and after all this he added that of course, his wife doesn't know about this.
Considering that the chance that him or his wife would end up reading this blog entry is extremely low, I can keep writing without worrying too much about hurting someone.
I can't really describe my face when he was telling me these things. I couldn't see myself, but I felt paralyzed. For sure I was shocked and speechless. I mean, what is the right thing to say in this kind of situation? I tried to cut his moment of confidence and move to another less dangerous field, but it didn't work. The fact that I come from the same home town that his soul mate was enough to made him feel I am the right person to listen to him.
In any case, the point is: how sad can you be if you realize that you already met the right person for you, the one with whom you could have really being happy, the one that you want to share your life with and you realize that you also let her/him go? how can you feel when you understand that you have been stupid enough to meet someone perfect for you and that you also lost her/him probably forever because of your stupidity ?
I really hope that this will never happen to me. It was quite disorientating. Sometimes it is really difficult to realize how important is someone in our life, especially if this person is part of our every day life. Can the right person come with a specific label, please? Something like "I am the right person for XXXX, born in XXXX, on XXX".
Wouldn't that make things a bit easier and less painful?
I was on the bus with the people attending the conference in Sardinia. We were all going to the social dinner, when a guy who I never met before and with whom I never talked till that moment, told me that the person of his life, his soul mate, is from my home town.
Beside the fact that I thought it was not the moment or the right place for such a confidence, this was just the beginning of his moment of sharing his personal life with me. After such a confession, he in fact also told me that a) the person of his life now lives in Australia, while he lives in Milano b) he is married to someone who is not this person c) the person to whom he is married is then not the person of his life d) he realized too late that the person he let go was his soul mate e) he had no choice that marrying someone else.....and after all this he added that of course, his wife doesn't know about this.
Considering that the chance that him or his wife would end up reading this blog entry is extremely low, I can keep writing without worrying too much about hurting someone.
I can't really describe my face when he was telling me these things. I couldn't see myself, but I felt paralyzed. For sure I was shocked and speechless. I mean, what is the right thing to say in this kind of situation? I tried to cut his moment of confidence and move to another less dangerous field, but it didn't work. The fact that I come from the same home town that his soul mate was enough to made him feel I am the right person to listen to him.
In any case, the point is: how sad can you be if you realize that you already met the right person for you, the one with whom you could have really being happy, the one that you want to share your life with and you realize that you also let her/him go? how can you feel when you understand that you have been stupid enough to meet someone perfect for you and that you also lost her/him probably forever because of your stupidity ?
I really hope that this will never happen to me. It was quite disorientating. Sometimes it is really difficult to realize how important is someone in our life, especially if this person is part of our every day life. Can the right person come with a specific label, please? Something like "I am the right person for XXXX, born in XXXX, on XXX".
Wouldn't that make things a bit easier and less painful?
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
back
Italy, evening
I am back. Not back in France yet, but back from the two conferences I attended.
Of course, I left France sick, I got better while I was away and now it looks like I am going to go back to France sick again.
I am not sure how this worked....
I can get even more sick if I just think about the 12 hours bus drive from here to home in France. I can get completely sick if I think about the smell of the toilet in the bus. So smelly that after a couple of hours of trip, the awful smell spreads all around the bus. Of course, there is no escape to that and the rest of 10 hours trip are in company of this disgusting smell.
A lovely, lovely trip to look forward to.
I am back. Not back in France yet, but back from the two conferences I attended.
Of course, I left France sick, I got better while I was away and now it looks like I am going to go back to France sick again.
I am not sure how this worked....
I can get even more sick if I just think about the 12 hours bus drive from here to home in France. I can get completely sick if I think about the smell of the toilet in the bus. So smelly that after a couple of hours of trip, the awful smell spreads all around the bus. Of course, there is no escape to that and the rest of 10 hours trip are in company of this disgusting smell.
A lovely, lovely trip to look forward to.
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