leave me alone

France, evening

I am so tired that I don't feel like eating. I am glad that I have a lot of work to do, so I can avoid to spend time thinking. It is amazing how people always feel the need of telling me how they feel and how bad I made them feeling. It is weird that they never feel the need of telling me how good I made them feeling, how glad they are of having me in their life. It is amazing how I can't do the same, express them the way they make me feel. Their behavior has always a reason, a justification. Mine, always selfish. It is amazing how easy it is too see how bad others behave and how difficult is to even consider if we may have done something wrong too.

I am angry, angry, tired, sick. I would need to start to jump now and finish tomorrow morning to try to get ride of all the bad energy. Everyone calls me to tell me what they think I should do. My grandma to tell me that I should forgive my father and be nice to him, because he has a difficult moment (fuck his moment, what about all the times I had a moment?). Can't my grandma talk to me about something else? no, she needed to tell me how this situation between my father and I makes her feeling. And this is only one example along the lines.

If I make so much everyone unhappy, could you just go away and leave me alone? so, I will not make you so unhappy anymore and just unhappy and I will not need to hear all the things I did wrong to you, in case I wouldn't have seen them. Otherwise, instead of accusing me and pointing a finger to me, try to work out with my why things happened that way, listen to what I have to say to, ask me also how I feel or I felt about it. Sometimes I feel that people feel better when they can make other people feel like shit. I don't know what it is the logic beyond, but it seems to work this way.