France, evening
Sunny day here. I think that I joyed too soon (does the word "joy" also exist as a verb or did I just made it up?). I feel a bit sick again. I should just take it easy. But I have really too many things to do and to plan and so my brain is spinning.
Which is not healthy, I know.
Today I got to think that maybe all this thinking I am going through it is actually not that positive. Maybe I am thinking so much that I am loosing a way and so I am beyond thinking now, I am just finding more and more problems about myself. Sometimes it would be useful to have someone who is not involved in my life who could just listen to me, know me to be able to say "hey, right, keep thinking, you are on the right path" or "stop, stop, stop. You are just driving yourself crazy with all this thinking and you are creating new worries and new problems that are completely not-existent". If it is just a monologue of me with myself, how can I know when and where to stop? how can I know when I am actually scared of something and so think in a negative way about that or when it is just a premonitory gut feeling? how can I know that I am working toward putting myself back together in one piece and when instead I am just helping myself to fall apart even more and screwing up my life completely?
How can I distinguish what is real from what it is just in my head after so much thinking? our brains are quite powerful and I think that often we convince ourselves of a lot of things that are not actually the way we live them. Maybe because we are scared of these things, maybe because we don't know how to deal with them. How can I know that I am not driving myself crazy with all this thinking?
And especially, how can I know that I am going to get out of the past two shitty years in a more healthy way and not just making my life more complicated and sad?
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3 comments:
I would never say stop thinking. I would say that you have to change the way you think. You have to let the past go and look ahead. I used to worry a lot and harbor fear inside of me. This is when things almost always went wrong for me. I know it's hard to forget things when they have hurt or somehow affected you deeply, but the important thing is that you survived. I can empathize with feeling alone and not being able to see the light, so to speak. This subject makes me emotional because I went through it. Not so long ago. I could talk about this subject for hours, but I will try to summarize. When life takes a turn down a street that you didn't think you'd be walking, you have to stop and reevaluate things and make adjustments, and then move forward. It's hard, scary, lonely, discouraging and a lot of other things, but you have to reach deep inside of you and use all the strength you can muster up, and move forward, never looking back. I really believe that the thoughts that you process, affect the outcome. When I started thinking positive happy thoughts, things really changed for me. Thoughts are very powerful things. You have to visualize the things you want in life and they will come to you.
You are an extremely intelligent woman with the world in your hands. You have an education and a title that has taken you to many places; something that some people can only dream of. You're a few steps ahead of the game and the rest will come in due time, but you have to really want it.
I am confident that you will have everything you want in due time.
Sometimes you have to be a little selfish, and that's ok.
Let go, and trust that things will fall into place. I hope this makes sense, sometimes I tend to ramble on, but it's a little bit hard to summarize the things I really want to say.
By the way, yes, caldo de pollo is the same as sopa de pollo. I know that caldo means hot in Italian so maybe it sounded kind of funny.
First, thanks for sharing with me these personal feelings. My problem right now is exactly that, I am not able to put the past beyond me, take a break, and start over, with a more positive attitude. I have always being good in knowing where I go and what I want. But I also realized that some of the things I considered to be so important, at the end are not that important at all. I am in the process of re-evaluating things, but I also realize that I am extremely severe with myself. Probably because in the past two years my life really took a path I didn't expect to walk. And I didn't like it. Second, because that experience left me really confused and third because it seems that along the way I lost all the selfconfidence I had in myself. I know I achieved things for which I should be extremely proud, but the true is, even if rationally I can realize how much I conquered so far, I still feel completely insecure and currently there is nothing I can do to make me feel like I want to say "well done" to myself.
I think I just feel lost lately. I wish I can start to think positive about my life, because I see there are lots of positive things. But because I feel lost, I am not sure of what is worth it and what no. What is a priority and what not.
I forgot. I am not able to just let go. I have to think about and think and think and think, till I fuse my own brain with thinking.
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