France, afternoon
My mood swings so much. Sometimes I think that when you take someone and you move him/her to a different place, then it is normal that this someone will feel lonely, lost and confuse, together with the excitement of knowing a new place and starting a new life. So, maybe the way I feel is also due to the fact that I keep moving continuously and I don't even have the minimal routine. Plus, I worry a lot about money because life is too expensive here.
But then today, suddenly, I enjoyed little things. I went to buy some bread and I met a colleague of mine with his kid first and then a friend of mine. We stopped in the middle of the road and chat for long time about this and that. That alone, made me feel more connected. I like to get out of my place and without planning anything meeting someone I know (especially if they are as friendly as these two people). Then I got back home, have a late breakfast and went out again for a walk. I was relaxed. And then it hit me. Why do I always make my life more complicate that it can be? In some masochistic way, it seems that if I don't have a bit of drama in my life, I am not living. Maybe because I grew up with a lot of familiar worries and always afraid of what it will happen next. But some days like today I wonder, why can't I just be able to enjoy little things and instill in my brain that life doesn't necessarily have to be difficult or painful?
PS. Yes, I am in a really thinking mood these days.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
How do you know when a gut feeling is just a gut feeling?
France, evening
Sunny day here. I think that I joyed too soon (does the word "joy" also exist as a verb or did I just made it up?). I feel a bit sick again. I should just take it easy. But I have really too many things to do and to plan and so my brain is spinning.
Which is not healthy, I know.
Today I got to think that maybe all this thinking I am going through it is actually not that positive. Maybe I am thinking so much that I am loosing a way and so I am beyond thinking now, I am just finding more and more problems about myself. Sometimes it would be useful to have someone who is not involved in my life who could just listen to me, know me to be able to say "hey, right, keep thinking, you are on the right path" or "stop, stop, stop. You are just driving yourself crazy with all this thinking and you are creating new worries and new problems that are completely not-existent". If it is just a monologue of me with myself, how can I know when and where to stop? how can I know when I am actually scared of something and so think in a negative way about that or when it is just a premonitory gut feeling? how can I know that I am working toward putting myself back together in one piece and when instead I am just helping myself to fall apart even more and screwing up my life completely?
How can I distinguish what is real from what it is just in my head after so much thinking? our brains are quite powerful and I think that often we convince ourselves of a lot of things that are not actually the way we live them. Maybe because we are scared of these things, maybe because we don't know how to deal with them. How can I know that I am not driving myself crazy with all this thinking?
And especially, how can I know that I am going to get out of the past two shitty years in a more healthy way and not just making my life more complicated and sad?
Sunny day here. I think that I joyed too soon (does the word "joy" also exist as a verb or did I just made it up?). I feel a bit sick again. I should just take it easy. But I have really too many things to do and to plan and so my brain is spinning.
Which is not healthy, I know.
Today I got to think that maybe all this thinking I am going through it is actually not that positive. Maybe I am thinking so much that I am loosing a way and so I am beyond thinking now, I am just finding more and more problems about myself. Sometimes it would be useful to have someone who is not involved in my life who could just listen to me, know me to be able to say "hey, right, keep thinking, you are on the right path" or "stop, stop, stop. You are just driving yourself crazy with all this thinking and you are creating new worries and new problems that are completely not-existent". If it is just a monologue of me with myself, how can I know when and where to stop? how can I know when I am actually scared of something and so think in a negative way about that or when it is just a premonitory gut feeling? how can I know that I am working toward putting myself back together in one piece and when instead I am just helping myself to fall apart even more and screwing up my life completely?
How can I distinguish what is real from what it is just in my head after so much thinking? our brains are quite powerful and I think that often we convince ourselves of a lot of things that are not actually the way we live them. Maybe because we are scared of these things, maybe because we don't know how to deal with them. How can I know that I am not driving myself crazy with all this thinking?
And especially, how can I know that I am going to get out of the past two shitty years in a more healthy way and not just making my life more complicated and sad?
almost not sick anymore!
France, morning
I am almost not sick anymore! Finally!
Now I have to have breakfast. I am really hungry. And then, lot of work to do.
Next week I will be traveling for about two weeks for work. So, I have to prepare for those meetings. I will miss blogging while I will be traveling.
But I am still here till tuesday!
PS How can I find the strength to work when outside is sunny and nice and it feels just perfect for a walk?
I am almost not sick anymore! Finally!
Now I have to have breakfast. I am really hungry. And then, lot of work to do.
Next week I will be traveling for about two weeks for work. So, I have to prepare for those meetings. I will miss blogging while I will be traveling.
But I am still here till tuesday!
PS How can I find the strength to work when outside is sunny and nice and it feels just perfect for a walk?
Thursday, September 18, 2008
stick insect girls
France, morning
Still a bit sick, hopefully getting better.
Last night I watched the movie "Niagara" with M. Monroe. First thought, I liked the movie a lot. I liked to see how USA looked like back them (for this, I suggest to read one of the last book of B. Bryson (I can't remember the title in English) because it is great!). Second, women were really looking gorgeous at that time. With some soft shape. Not fat, just well shaped. I am not sure why now we are so obsessed with being skinny. I see plenty of women who are just too slim, beyond the point of being slim. They remind me of stick insects. Women who lost any feminine shape and when they walk around you think (or at least I think) that they are going to break if they are not careful enough. I am not talking about people suffering of anorexia. I am talking about all of us who continuosly obsess about being skinnier and skinnier. There is a healthy way to look, and this in my head is really close to the way old actresses were looking like. I am not saying that over-weight people shouldn't try to lose weight, that is good also for their health, not only for the way they look. I am talking more about women who already reached a healthy weight and want to lose more and more.
The way of calling a skinny girl "stick insect girl" is from a day I was sitting in a cafe' in New York with a couple of male friends (three of them). I was the only girl. I have to admit that it was quite frustrating to be there with only men, since New York is full of pretty girls and so these guys were not paying any attention to the conversation, to instead just stare here and there at the girls passing by. It was ok for me. I was just relaxing. Till a moment in which three really tall, really skinny girls passed by. Then, all the three men and one especially, got completely crazy. I don't know if these girls were models or what, but you could see their bones from their clothing.
So I asked them and I ask again here now does it really look sexy? does it look healthy?
There are people who are naturally skinny and they are still incredibly healthy. But the majority of us no. The majority of us has to fight to keep just the right weight and don't gain more. Maybe it is because I am shaped like a pear and so, no matter how much weight I can lose, I know that always a pear I will be. But I like women with some shape. Not the Botticelli women with a belly hanging down, but some healthy looking women with some "meat" at the right place. Unfortunately, even if everyone complains about anorexia, the images that the media send around are still full of these skinny girls and men with the six packs. Kate Moss looks healthy even if skinny, Victoria Beckam looks like she is suffering. Is it that difficult to use for movies/commercials/TV etc people who are not looking like they starve themselves to be that way? I am sick of a world that has as a woman model a stick insect!
PS. this is funny. After writing this blog, I saw that the dutch word of the day is "mager". It couldn't fit better with the topic of my today's blog entry.
Still a bit sick, hopefully getting better.
Last night I watched the movie "Niagara" with M. Monroe. First thought, I liked the movie a lot. I liked to see how USA looked like back them (for this, I suggest to read one of the last book of B. Bryson (I can't remember the title in English) because it is great!). Second, women were really looking gorgeous at that time. With some soft shape. Not fat, just well shaped. I am not sure why now we are so obsessed with being skinny. I see plenty of women who are just too slim, beyond the point of being slim. They remind me of stick insects. Women who lost any feminine shape and when they walk around you think (or at least I think) that they are going to break if they are not careful enough. I am not talking about people suffering of anorexia. I am talking about all of us who continuosly obsess about being skinnier and skinnier. There is a healthy way to look, and this in my head is really close to the way old actresses were looking like. I am not saying that over-weight people shouldn't try to lose weight, that is good also for their health, not only for the way they look. I am talking more about women who already reached a healthy weight and want to lose more and more.
The way of calling a skinny girl "stick insect girl" is from a day I was sitting in a cafe' in New York with a couple of male friends (three of them). I was the only girl. I have to admit that it was quite frustrating to be there with only men, since New York is full of pretty girls and so these guys were not paying any attention to the conversation, to instead just stare here and there at the girls passing by. It was ok for me. I was just relaxing. Till a moment in which three really tall, really skinny girls passed by. Then, all the three men and one especially, got completely crazy. I don't know if these girls were models or what, but you could see their bones from their clothing.
So I asked them and I ask again here now does it really look sexy? does it look healthy?
There are people who are naturally skinny and they are still incredibly healthy. But the majority of us no. The majority of us has to fight to keep just the right weight and don't gain more. Maybe it is because I am shaped like a pear and so, no matter how much weight I can lose, I know that always a pear I will be. But I like women with some shape. Not the Botticelli women with a belly hanging down, but some healthy looking women with some "meat" at the right place. Unfortunately, even if everyone complains about anorexia, the images that the media send around are still full of these skinny girls and men with the six packs. Kate Moss looks healthy even if skinny, Victoria Beckam looks like she is suffering. Is it that difficult to use for movies/commercials/TV etc people who are not looking like they starve themselves to be that way? I am sick of a world that has as a woman model a stick insect!
PS. this is funny. After writing this blog, I saw that the dutch word of the day is "mager". It couldn't fit better with the topic of my today's blog entry.
I love this movie
France, morning
A break from work. I am at home working. I was listening to this U2 song and I started to think about the Wim Wenders movie. I love that movie. The million dollar hotel. I don't exactly know what I like so much about it, but some part of it is just pure poetry to me. Like the final scene.
A break from work. I am at home working. I was listening to this U2 song and I started to think about the Wim Wenders movie. I love that movie. The million dollar hotel. I don't exactly know what I like so much about it, but some part of it is just pure poetry to me. Like the final scene.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
what is a normal thermometer?
France, afternoon
I feel a bit better. Someone or something in my head is still hammering, but less. Maybe it is taking a nap. I don't know how, but in the past hours I have also been able to work a little. Amazing. I also went out a bit. My initial plan was to just go downstairs, enter into the pharmacy next door, buy a thermometer and come back to my cozy place.
Everything worked well till I asked to the pharmacist a thermometer. She got one and she said "5 euros". I looked at it before to pay and I asked her if it was the digital one that I can use under my tongue and she said "no, this is the normal one". "Ah, the normal one, so I have to use it under my arm pit". "No, a normal one, so a rectal one". "Do you have any other kind of thermometer?". "No, just this".
Beside this conversation happening in French, which I still don't master as a language, I never thought that a "normal" thermometer is the rectal one. I bought thermometers everywhere I have been living and I have always been able to chose which one to buy. Honestly, I don't like the idea of a rectal thermometer. I don't care so much how precise it is. I mean, I just need to know if I got fever or not and if it is high or low. That's about it. But sorry, the idea of sticking something in my rectum to take the temperature is too disgusting for me. Maybe because I don't have kids and so I am not use to these thermometers.
I felt really weak and so I didn't want to walk around to try every pharmacy to find the one that also has "a not that normal" thermometer. After a few attempt, I fortunately found one that had different kind of thermometers and so I got a multifunctional one, meaning that I can take my temperature in my arm pit, under my tongue and rectum too.
I would be curious to see what is considered normal in every different country, I am sure there would be a lot to laugh.....
PS. I got a fever, but not too high. But also, I don't know precisely what is my temperature since I measured under my tongue!
I feel a bit better. Someone or something in my head is still hammering, but less. Maybe it is taking a nap. I don't know how, but in the past hours I have also been able to work a little. Amazing. I also went out a bit. My initial plan was to just go downstairs, enter into the pharmacy next door, buy a thermometer and come back to my cozy place.
Everything worked well till I asked to the pharmacist a thermometer. She got one and she said "5 euros". I looked at it before to pay and I asked her if it was the digital one that I can use under my tongue and she said "no, this is the normal one". "Ah, the normal one, so I have to use it under my arm pit". "No, a normal one, so a rectal one". "Do you have any other kind of thermometer?". "No, just this".
Beside this conversation happening in French, which I still don't master as a language, I never thought that a "normal" thermometer is the rectal one. I bought thermometers everywhere I have been living and I have always been able to chose which one to buy. Honestly, I don't like the idea of a rectal thermometer. I don't care so much how precise it is. I mean, I just need to know if I got fever or not and if it is high or low. That's about it. But sorry, the idea of sticking something in my rectum to take the temperature is too disgusting for me. Maybe because I don't have kids and so I am not use to these thermometers.
I felt really weak and so I didn't want to walk around to try every pharmacy to find the one that also has "a not that normal" thermometer. After a few attempt, I fortunately found one that had different kind of thermometers and so I got a multifunctional one, meaning that I can take my temperature in my arm pit, under my tongue and rectum too.
I would be curious to see what is considered normal in every different country, I am sure there would be a lot to laugh.....
PS. I got a fever, but not too high. But also, I don't know precisely what is my temperature since I measured under my tongue!
still sick
France, morning
I am still sick and I am in bed. My head feels like is going to explode soon. I really need to work today, I have too many things to finish, but my brain doesn't absolutely want to collaborate. I hope that in the next hours I will feel better.
I can't really write anything that makes sense. Just thinking about something makes me feel like I have someone hammering inside my head.
Hopefully I will come back blogging soon.
I am still sick and I am in bed. My head feels like is going to explode soon. I really need to work today, I have too many things to finish, but my brain doesn't absolutely want to collaborate. I hope that in the next hours I will feel better.
I can't really write anything that makes sense. Just thinking about something makes me feel like I have someone hammering inside my head.
Hopefully I will come back blogging soon.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Richard Wright
France, morning
Last monday, Richard Wright, one of the founder of the Pink Floyd, passed away.
Last monday, Richard Wright, one of the founder of the Pink Floyd, passed away.
Monday, September 15, 2008
definitively sick
France, night
I got so sick....from so and so of a few hours ago, now I am definitively really sick. I have the full package of a flu: sore throat, my nose is close, my head feels empty and heavy at the same time, my eyes are burning...and tomorrow I have a dinner with a colleague of mine and his family. And I was really looking forward to this dinner....We basically collaborate since 2003. He was in Madagascar, I was in Germany, then he was in Vietnam and I was first in Holland and then in the USA. Now suddenly, we are both here living in the same city in France. We never met, and tomorrow would have been the day.
But he also has a one year old kid. I can't have a dinner with them and risk to make his kid sick............arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggg
Hope to feel better by tomorrow.
I got so sick....from so and so of a few hours ago, now I am definitively really sick. I have the full package of a flu: sore throat, my nose is close, my head feels empty and heavy at the same time, my eyes are burning...and tomorrow I have a dinner with a colleague of mine and his family. And I was really looking forward to this dinner....We basically collaborate since 2003. He was in Madagascar, I was in Germany, then he was in Vietnam and I was first in Holland and then in the USA. Now suddenly, we are both here living in the same city in France. We never met, and tomorrow would have been the day.
But he also has a one year old kid. I can't have a dinner with them and risk to make his kid sick............arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggggg
Hope to feel better by tomorrow.
Bikini wax around the world
France, evening
I think I am getting sick. I spent yesterday afternoon with a friend of mine and her two kids....sick kids.....I think they passed me whatever they had. Crap.
I went for a bikini wax this evening and I realized one thing. Wherever you go, getting a bikini is a mystical experience. You may know what to ask, but you have no idea what you are going to get and how. I am listening to Innuendo of the Queen and I don't know why but I think it goes well together with the story telling of these mystical experiences.
Let's start from today:
France: total time needed for a bikini wax=10'. Cost=12 euros. Pain=high. Hygiene= 8.
I entered this nice clean room and while I was looking for the disposable underwear that I normally would get in Italy the person in charge of the waxing told me to get undress. Surprised face (mine) "are you going to do the bikini wax with my underwear?" "Of course" (of course, everything happened in French) and she left the room. Ok, trousers removed. I am lying on the bed when she comes back to the room saying "plie'". Now plie' for me is something that they were teaching me at ballet, so it took me a while to realize that in French this is a "real" word meaning to bend the leg. Since she was not happy with the way my legs were bended (next time I will take a few stretching/yoga courses before the bikini wax), she pushed them in a better position. Better to her. In about 1 minute I had a cramp in one of my leg. "No problem, the bikini wax is going to be fast, so you can wait and don't move otherwise you ruin my work". Then she took a couple of kleenexs and made two bows around my underwear. Basically if I would have been without underwear it wouldn't have made too much difference.
All right. I asked a normal bikini wax. I am not sure of what is considered normal here, how a brasilian bikini wax is and how it would be a total bikini wax. I am not sure if she is just a sadist who loves to see people in pain for the waxing. The only thing I know is that I have really little left there now. After all that pain, she didn't put any cream, oil, nothing. She just said "done" and she left.
USA: I just want to tell here about my first experience (after then I found a much better place). Total time: about 15'. Cost=40$+tip. Pain=incredibly high. Hygiene=6. This east European extremely nice woman entered into the room telling me that they didn't have any more disposable underwear and so I can chose if keeping mine or being naked. "Mine is ok". And from then on, she started to tell me the story of her life, how she got to the USA, how unhappy she is with her work, where she has been before and so on for the entire 15'. While she was telling me about her life, she was moving my legs up, down, on the side in a way that it was looking more like she was helping me to do some gym exercise than anything else. I even found myself with my leg at 90 degree from the rest of my body.Once the wax was done, beside the pain, it didn't look like I got a bikini wax at all "You asked for a normal one". She gave me some cream on the supposed waxed areas and she left. For the amount of money I paid, they probably used gold instead of a normal wax.
Holland: this place is Amsterdam is one of the best places I never been. Clean, not too expensive, extremely professional, precise, in one word PERFECT! I just love it. Once I flu from the USA back to Holland just for a couple of days and the first place I went to was this great spa, exactly downtown. Absolutely perfect. (The second place was the best place to go for a Dutch apple pie, but that is another story).
Itlay: also in this case after the first terrifying experience, I found a better place to go. Of course, I am going to write here about this first experience. Time and cost I don't remember. Pain=high. Hygiene=0. Basically, this person was doing everything at her place, in a small room, full of cats. I love cats, nothing to say, but from a first look at the place, it was looking incredibly dirty. I avoided to give a second look. The wax she was using was disposable, but since it was to expensive to throw it away, she was melting it (with the hair of the previous person etc) and using it again. And she was extremely relaxed about it. So relaxed that even with the new customer in the room, she was going to melt the wax of the previous person. I feel my stomach upside down just thinking about it. Bleah.
I think I am getting sick. I spent yesterday afternoon with a friend of mine and her two kids....sick kids.....I think they passed me whatever they had. Crap.
I went for a bikini wax this evening and I realized one thing. Wherever you go, getting a bikini is a mystical experience. You may know what to ask, but you have no idea what you are going to get and how. I am listening to Innuendo of the Queen and I don't know why but I think it goes well together with the story telling of these mystical experiences.
Let's start from today:
France: total time needed for a bikini wax=10'. Cost=12 euros. Pain=high. Hygiene= 8.
I entered this nice clean room and while I was looking for the disposable underwear that I normally would get in Italy the person in charge of the waxing told me to get undress. Surprised face (mine) "are you going to do the bikini wax with my underwear?" "Of course" (of course, everything happened in French) and she left the room. Ok, trousers removed. I am lying on the bed when she comes back to the room saying "plie'". Now plie' for me is something that they were teaching me at ballet, so it took me a while to realize that in French this is a "real" word meaning to bend the leg. Since she was not happy with the way my legs were bended (next time I will take a few stretching/yoga courses before the bikini wax), she pushed them in a better position. Better to her. In about 1 minute I had a cramp in one of my leg. "No problem, the bikini wax is going to be fast, so you can wait and don't move otherwise you ruin my work". Then she took a couple of kleenexs and made two bows around my underwear. Basically if I would have been without underwear it wouldn't have made too much difference.
All right. I asked a normal bikini wax. I am not sure of what is considered normal here, how a brasilian bikini wax is and how it would be a total bikini wax. I am not sure if she is just a sadist who loves to see people in pain for the waxing. The only thing I know is that I have really little left there now. After all that pain, she didn't put any cream, oil, nothing. She just said "done" and she left.
USA: I just want to tell here about my first experience (after then I found a much better place). Total time: about 15'. Cost=40$+tip. Pain=incredibly high. Hygiene=6. This east European extremely nice woman entered into the room telling me that they didn't have any more disposable underwear and so I can chose if keeping mine or being naked. "Mine is ok". And from then on, she started to tell me the story of her life, how she got to the USA, how unhappy she is with her work, where she has been before and so on for the entire 15'. While she was telling me about her life, she was moving my legs up, down, on the side in a way that it was looking more like she was helping me to do some gym exercise than anything else. I even found myself with my leg at 90 degree from the rest of my body.Once the wax was done, beside the pain, it didn't look like I got a bikini wax at all "You asked for a normal one". She gave me some cream on the supposed waxed areas and she left. For the amount of money I paid, they probably used gold instead of a normal wax.
Holland: this place is Amsterdam is one of the best places I never been. Clean, not too expensive, extremely professional, precise, in one word PERFECT! I just love it. Once I flu from the USA back to Holland just for a couple of days and the first place I went to was this great spa, exactly downtown. Absolutely perfect. (The second place was the best place to go for a Dutch apple pie, but that is another story).
Itlay: also in this case after the first terrifying experience, I found a better place to go. Of course, I am going to write here about this first experience. Time and cost I don't remember. Pain=high. Hygiene=0. Basically, this person was doing everything at her place, in a small room, full of cats. I love cats, nothing to say, but from a first look at the place, it was looking incredibly dirty. I avoided to give a second look. The wax she was using was disposable, but since it was to expensive to throw it away, she was melting it (with the hair of the previous person etc) and using it again. And she was extremely relaxed about it. So relaxed that even with the new customer in the room, she was going to melt the wax of the previous person. I feel my stomach upside down just thinking about it. Bleah.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Thumb up for Britney Spears
France, lunch time
I would have never imagined to write a blog entry about Britney Spears again (I think I already mentioned her once), but here I am. And the reason why I am writing again about her is because I am incredibly happy for her success at the MTV awards. I don't like her songs and I am not one of her fans, but I am glad that somewhere she found the strength to put herself together again and make a come back. I hope that this is just the beginning of a new life for her.
It is boosting when you see someone going from hell to the stars again. It makes me thinking that everything is possible (sure I know, I am a bit naive). The media killed her, her mother used her to get more money, like if Britney was a commercial product (which I am sure for a lot of people is), everywhere the paparazzi where just waiting for another crazy thing that she could do.
Instead, she lost weight, she wore a nice silver dress and she got 3 prizes at the MTV awards. Thumb up for her. I really hope that she can put the past bad years in her life archive and she can move on with more self-confidence and the ability to distinguish friends and people who believe in her from people who just want to use her.
I would have never imagined to write a blog entry about Britney Spears again (I think I already mentioned her once), but here I am. And the reason why I am writing again about her is because I am incredibly happy for her success at the MTV awards. I don't like her songs and I am not one of her fans, but I am glad that somewhere she found the strength to put herself together again and make a come back. I hope that this is just the beginning of a new life for her.
It is boosting when you see someone going from hell to the stars again. It makes me thinking that everything is possible (sure I know, I am a bit naive). The media killed her, her mother used her to get more money, like if Britney was a commercial product (which I am sure for a lot of people is), everywhere the paparazzi where just waiting for another crazy thing that she could do.
Instead, she lost weight, she wore a nice silver dress and she got 3 prizes at the MTV awards. Thumb up for her. I really hope that she can put the past bad years in her life archive and she can move on with more self-confidence and the ability to distinguish friends and people who believe in her from people who just want to use her.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Food and a movie
France, night
My plan was to get some not-to-greasy wok food from a wok place near by and eat it in front of my computer watching a movie. My almost cousin here gave me one of his dvd telling me that a) it was incredibly funny b) it was not violent. I am sure that for most people this movie is funny and not violent. According to the movie database this movie is really good. According to me, beside the beautiful British accent, it was so annoying that I had to stop to watch it to avoid to fall asleep in front of my computer.
I think I will read a book now.
The title of the movie is Lock, stock & two smoking barrels. I am sure that I don't have enough movie culture to understand it. But what can I say? I watch movies to enjoy them, if I have to fall asleep, then there is no point. Right?
PS. the food was good!
My plan was to get some not-to-greasy wok food from a wok place near by and eat it in front of my computer watching a movie. My almost cousin here gave me one of his dvd telling me that a) it was incredibly funny b) it was not violent. I am sure that for most people this movie is funny and not violent. According to the movie database this movie is really good. According to me, beside the beautiful British accent, it was so annoying that I had to stop to watch it to avoid to fall asleep in front of my computer.
I think I will read a book now.
The title of the movie is Lock, stock & two smoking barrels. I am sure that I don't have enough movie culture to understand it. But what can I say? I watch movies to enjoy them, if I have to fall asleep, then there is no point. Right?
PS. the food was good!
The bear
France, afternoon
I slept till 11 this morning. I really needed it. I could actually fall asleep again now, even if I had two coffees and a tea. The week end is surely my relaxing day!!! I should work. I should. But I should also relax and the latter feeling is currently winning.
I went food shopping earlier today and I saw an extremely pretty girl, dressed like a modern hippie. I thought that she was looking cool. So cool that she probably felt it was part of her being cool not to shave. She was wearing a nice bright green skirt from which her two un-shaved legs were sticking out. She had such a thick layer of hair on her legs that I looked again at her face/hands/feet to check if she was actually a woman or a transvestite. I am pretty sure she was a woman, even thought based on her legs she could look more like a bear than a woman.
I admire self-confident people, just because I am not one of them. But I also think that there is a limit beyond which self-confidence sometimes risks to overpass the limit of decency. Biologically there is an explanation on why our body is covered with hair. However, this reason made a lot of sense in the age of cave men, but not really now. In any case, I really admire her self-confidence. I wouldn't go out of my apartment with such a skirt and such a tick layer of hair even if they would pay me a lot. She did it and she didn't even show any minimal embarrassment for it, which made her gaining 1000 points to my eyes...............beside honestly looking quite awful.
I slept till 11 this morning. I really needed it. I could actually fall asleep again now, even if I had two coffees and a tea. The week end is surely my relaxing day!!! I should work. I should. But I should also relax and the latter feeling is currently winning.
I went food shopping earlier today and I saw an extremely pretty girl, dressed like a modern hippie. I thought that she was looking cool. So cool that she probably felt it was part of her being cool not to shave. She was wearing a nice bright green skirt from which her two un-shaved legs were sticking out. She had such a thick layer of hair on her legs that I looked again at her face/hands/feet to check if she was actually a woman or a transvestite. I am pretty sure she was a woman, even thought based on her legs she could look more like a bear than a woman.
I admire self-confident people, just because I am not one of them. But I also think that there is a limit beyond which self-confidence sometimes risks to overpass the limit of decency. Biologically there is an explanation on why our body is covered with hair. However, this reason made a lot of sense in the age of cave men, but not really now. In any case, I really admire her self-confidence. I wouldn't go out of my apartment with such a skirt and such a tick layer of hair even if they would pay me a lot. She did it and she didn't even show any minimal embarrassment for it, which made her gaining 1000 points to my eyes...............beside honestly looking quite awful.
Friday, September 12, 2008
SJP and feet
France, night
I am watching Sex and the City, one of the old episodes. I just saw that Sarah Jessica Parker has quite horrible feet, with the big toes completely bended on the inside of each foot.
I still love Sex and the City anyway.
I am watching Sex and the City, one of the old episodes. I just saw that Sarah Jessica Parker has quite horrible feet, with the big toes completely bended on the inside of each foot.
I still love Sex and the City anyway.
sweetie, honey, my love
France, night
There are a lot of things I love about USA (Bush is not one of them) and of Italy. There are some I really don't tolerate. This way that Americans have of calling everyone sweetie, honey or my love is something I really hate. It is so impersonal. I can be the sweetie of multiple people and the same people can call sweetie a lot of other ones. What's the point!
I have a name and if you want to call me with a nickname, which is fine with me, chose something personal, something that is just mine, just for me. It is like in Italy with the word "amore". People call amore their partner, lover, kid(s), everyone in the family, sometimes best friends. So, if you have a dinner let's say with your family and you call someone amore, how can people know to whom do you actually address your sentence?
I like nicknames. I use them with the closest people of my life. But I have a personal, specific nickname for each of them. It has a meaning to me and it refers only to each of them. It can simply be their name shortened or it can be related to someone characteristic. But please, don't call me amore, sweetie, honey, my love. Why is it so difficult to understand that if you call multiple people "amore" then the word "amore" loses a lot of its meaning? it doesn't make you feel special anymore, or at least, it wouldn't make me feel special anymore.
There are a lot of things I love about USA (Bush is not one of them) and of Italy. There are some I really don't tolerate. This way that Americans have of calling everyone sweetie, honey or my love is something I really hate. It is so impersonal. I can be the sweetie of multiple people and the same people can call sweetie a lot of other ones. What's the point!
I have a name and if you want to call me with a nickname, which is fine with me, chose something personal, something that is just mine, just for me. It is like in Italy with the word "amore". People call amore their partner, lover, kid(s), everyone in the family, sometimes best friends. So, if you have a dinner let's say with your family and you call someone amore, how can people know to whom do you actually address your sentence?
I like nicknames. I use them with the closest people of my life. But I have a personal, specific nickname for each of them. It has a meaning to me and it refers only to each of them. It can simply be their name shortened or it can be related to someone characteristic. But please, don't call me amore, sweetie, honey, my love. Why is it so difficult to understand that if you call multiple people "amore" then the word "amore" loses a lot of its meaning? it doesn't make you feel special anymore, or at least, it wouldn't make me feel special anymore.
September 11
France, morning
I know that it is not September 11 today. But I can't avoid to write what this date reminds me (and I think to a lot of people too) of. What happened on September 11 to the Twin Towers in New York is something that should never have happened. It is something that shows what religious hate can provoke. It is something that could have come out of a Hollywood movie instead of just being the cruel reality.
I don't know how someone can go that far for hate of what is different for revenge against something that is not the way you think it should be. September 11 was something shocking. It is something I wish I would have never have to witness in my life. It is something that changed the world and not for the best.
This is what hate for diversity can generate. And it goes beyond my worst imagination.
I know that it is not September 11 today. But I can't avoid to write what this date reminds me (and I think to a lot of people too) of. What happened on September 11 to the Twin Towers in New York is something that should never have happened. It is something that shows what religious hate can provoke. It is something that could have come out of a Hollywood movie instead of just being the cruel reality.
I don't know how someone can go that far for hate of what is different for revenge against something that is not the way you think it should be. September 11 was something shocking. It is something I wish I would have never have to witness in my life. It is something that changed the world and not for the best.
This is what hate for diversity can generate. And it goes beyond my worst imagination.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Distance relationships
France, eveningThis morning I got to think about relationships. Distance relationships to be more precise. A few months ago, I remember that I read an article with a lot of tips on how to make a distance relationship working. The people who wrote the article (or the book, I don't remember well) were both above 40 and rich. Money is not everything, especially when talking about relationships, but for sure not having money is a big obstacle to distance relationships. The article was bringing as example famous couples who have successful distance relationships. Thanks a lot, it was also written in the article that they see each other every week end.
Now, if you are a normal person, like me (ok, normal in a broad sense) and you have a relationship with another normal person (again, in a broad sense), who is not a millionaire and let's say the distance is not a matter of a few hours by car, how can you effort to pay a monthly rent, live and then also move every week end to visit your partner?
I had long distance relationships between Germany and Italy, between Holland and Germany, between Holland and USA. I can thank skype if they last more than just some months. But at the end, we couldn't see each other every week end, we couldn't see each other every second week end either and at the end it was just really really frustrating.
I think distance relationships may work for someone who likes his/her spaces (fine for me in this case), is independent, live in a place where he/she has a lot of friends and the distance is just a temporary situation toward the time you will be together again. Otherwise, it gets really really frustrating. It is like not being free, not being single, but not being in a couple either. You want to go to a theater. You go alone or with friends. You want to do something or visit a place or whatever. You have to do everything with a friend or alone, because your partner is just not there. And you can't make this person feeling bad because he is not there. It is not his fault. All the interaction passes trough skype, phone, emails. Fine the technology, but how can we compare a hug with an email? a kiss with a sms? I honestly can't.
Then you meet somewhere, at his place, your place, somewhere else. You can't have your normal life either. Because if your partner visit you let's say for two days, you want to spend all the time together, to make up for the time you have been apart. And then imagine you want to do something one evening, something with friends, but you know that you have a window of an hour in which you can both talk without interruptions. And imagine that the window is exactly at the time when your friends plan to do something. People who think that distance relationships are an easy task then probably they never experienced one or they were not madly in love or it was for a short time or they were looking for the perfect solution to not feel completely alone without the need of being too involved.
It just doesn't work well for me. Not for a long time anyway.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Sorry, are you lesbian?
France, eveningOn the way back home from the gym, I saw these two girls about my age walking hand by hand. They were probably lesbians or playing lesbians more probably, since here being gay is extremely fashionable. So, I started to think about the fact that apparently lesbians like me. I always heard that gay recognize each other, so they can see if you are straight or gay.
Well, then all the three times that I have been approached by a lesbian, I have to think that they were not really good in spotting gays. One thing is sure about me. I can be a mess in fact of relationships, but women do not attract me at all. I even thought that maybe, since I seem to have a certain kind of success with other women, I was one of these gay who doesn't want to admit it to herself. But not. Really not. I like men too much. Manly men. I have to say that probably at least two of these three people were not too convinced about their being just lesbian and so they were probably more bisex, since I know that they also had men in their lives.
The first time that a woman showed me her interest, beside being totally shocked, I didn't minimally realized that it was happening for real. When I realized that she was serious, I got completely paranoid and I started to think that maybe I was lesbian without knowing it (my boyfriend was really happy about this consideration). But no, I was and I am not. Then I thought that since we were all playing tennis together and since all the other women were lesbians, she may have just assumed that everyone in our team was lesbian and so me too. Beside, there are a lot of lesbians playing tennis (in the picture, the great Martina Navratilova). What is about lesbians and tennis?
After a while I forgot about this, since it happened again. This time in Germany and this time the person explained to me that she knew I was straight and that lesbians may like me because I look feminine (I think she was a bit blind...)...The third time happened in the USA. I was out dancing with friends. And when I dance, I am in another world. My own paradise, so everything can happen next to me without me noticing it. I noticed although the smiling faces of my two friends who were trying to suggest me to look behind my shoulders. When I slightly turned my head, I saw a girl dancing close to me, but so close that I would probably dance like that only with my boyfriend (even if in USA dancing on top of the other or squeezing to each other is really popular). How I didn't realize that she was so close before, I don't know. When I looked at her, she turned completely red and she ran away, with a big disappointment of one of my friend who was imagining who knows what. Basically, in two out of the three countries where I have been living for longer than 6 months, I have been approached by a lesbian.
I am curious to see if it is going to happen here too.
But anyway, me feminine? nah......
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Is there anybody out there?
France, nightI just saw an episode of Sex and the City. The one in which for the second time Carrie breaks up with Big. Maybe it was not the best day to see that episode. Oh, well.....
It is since yesterday that I have this thing in my head, this thing about the online dating. There are a lot of reasons for which I wouldn't try to find a boyfriend using an online dating webserver. But not everyone is like me. I should say fortunately, otherwise probably the human kind would risk to go extinct. On the other hand, we are too many anyway and so maybe a bit more selection wouldn't be bad. But I am not planning to write an entry about partner selection, but more about the different ways to find a partner.
Online dating is one of them, and according to a lot of people, a successful one. I would honestly feel weird in putting an adv saying that I am looking for a boyfriend on internet. First, wrong people can find it. Second, it doesn't matter how much time I spend at my computer, I still think that certain kind of things should have little to do with technology. I am more the romantic way. Of course, the hunting range is limited if I have to base my search on only the people I meet. First, I have to like the person, then I have to get the chance to meet this person casually at least some times and then I have to hope that this person would show some interest on me and invite me out. It is not hard to see why till you go to school and you have many social activities all this can work pretty well, but once you reach my age or older, and your social interactions are at the place where you work, maybe at the gym or at some religious circle, the above three points don't come so naturally anymore. This is why a lot of people prefer to help the luck and put an adv on some online dating system.
I am not here to judge anyone, I just think that it wouldn't work for me. I basically have to know someone really well even before starting to date this person. So, I guess that if I would meet someone trough the online dating, this person would get tired of me and pass to the next one on his online list. Online dating is for meeting a lot of people in the shorter time as possible, hoping to find the right one. I can go on months or years without finding anyone barely interesting. So, the strategy is completely the opposite. Second point that would make me thinking a lot before to put an adv on an online dating system is that it would take away all the romance. Yeah, meeting a future boyfriend at work is not that much more romantic, but it is still better than by using the computer. When you physically meet someone you found online, the first time you meet, you know why you both do that. You hope to find out that you like each other a lot and live together happily ever after. When you randomly meet someone, except in a few cases, you don't have in mind "oh yeah this can be the one". Or at least, I don't. So, I can just be myself, without pretending anything. Right, so the second point. Online dating takes away a lot of spontaneity. It would look to me like I am looking at different products on a supermarket shelf trying to pick the most promising one.
Some of my family members already tells me that I will remain single (actually they use the word spinster more than single), so my strategy is probably not that successful. And I know people who are actually extremely happy with the person they met thanks to the online dating. But I am just not like that. I know it is hard to meet interesting people. And that it gets harder and harder the older you get. But if there is anybody right for me out there, I hope I will find him without needing the help of a computer.
Now, I am going to watch the movie "you've got mail". Just to remain on the theme of this post.
why doesn't the Pope shut up sometimes?
France, afternoon
I was going out, when I decided to give a glimpse at the news. I saw this news and I couldn't avoid to write a blog about it (from "Il Corriere della Sera")
Il Papa a Cagliari: «Serve una nuova generazione di politici cattolici»
This means: "The Pope in Cagliari said that we need a new generation of catholic politicians".....isn't politics supposed to be separated from the Church? I know that in Italy this not what it really happens, but this Pope is really starting to annoy me. Can he just do his work and consider that in Italy not everyone is catholic and not everyone is even religious? and leave the politics to politicians since in Italy we have already enough problems without his help?
I was going out, when I decided to give a glimpse at the news. I saw this news and I couldn't avoid to write a blog about it (from "Il Corriere della Sera")
Il Papa a Cagliari: «Serve una nuova generazione di politici cattolici»
This means: "The Pope in Cagliari said that we need a new generation of catholic politicians".....isn't politics supposed to be separated from the Church? I know that in Italy this not what it really happens, but this Pope is really starting to annoy me. Can he just do his work and consider that in Italy not everyone is catholic and not everyone is even religious? and leave the politics to politicians since in Italy we have already enough problems without his help?
can you gain your self confidence back once you have lost it?
I want to go for a walk along the river. Before that, I want to share a thought. How can someone get his/her self-confidence back once it is lost? If I think about myself when I was 25, I was this cool girl, almost always happy, extremely positive and optimistic, energetic and successful. I was so self-confident to even be arrogant sometimes.
Now, I am a wreck. I know why this happened, but how can I get back in shape? In shape meaning with a bit more of self-confidence. Because otherwise I can complain as much as I want about my life, but I will just always put myself in the condition of depending on someone else to feel good or happy. Which is not really healthy or wise.
Maybe I should start running again on a regular base. That used to make me feel good, as well as teaching spinning...
Now, I am a wreck. I know why this happened, but how can I get back in shape? In shape meaning with a bit more of self-confidence. Because otherwise I can complain as much as I want about my life, but I will just always put myself in the condition of depending on someone else to feel good or happy. Which is not really healthy or wise.
Maybe I should start running again on a regular base. That used to make me feel good, as well as teaching spinning...
Insomnia
France, morning
I never suffered of insomnia. Not so bad at least. Now, I do.
I am currently smelling of onions. Yesterday I bought this exfoliating product at the body shop and when I smelled, it was nice. Apparently the combination of the product with my skin makes me smell like onions. Which is not what I was planning to smell of.
Back to my insomnia. I am not sure that this decision of taking some distance from some past things (and so people too) was really a great idea. Everybody thinks is good. Oh, yeah, it will help you to clarify your mind, and bla bla bla. Actually, I feel like shit. I don't sleep. I am in panic most of the times and I am not seeing things in a different way of how I was looking at them yesterday or before.
This smell of onions is quite disturbing...maybe I should take another shower......
I never suffered of insomnia. Not so bad at least. Now, I do.
I am currently smelling of onions. Yesterday I bought this exfoliating product at the body shop and when I smelled, it was nice. Apparently the combination of the product with my skin makes me smell like onions. Which is not what I was planning to smell of.
Back to my insomnia. I am not sure that this decision of taking some distance from some past things (and so people too) was really a great idea. Everybody thinks is good. Oh, yeah, it will help you to clarify your mind, and bla bla bla. Actually, I feel like shit. I don't sleep. I am in panic most of the times and I am not seeing things in a different way of how I was looking at them yesterday or before.
This smell of onions is quite disturbing...maybe I should take another shower......
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Instinctive eater
France, night
One of these days I am going to poison myself with my homemade dinners. How can I be such a disaster in the kitchen with a great mom as a cooker and a sister who is not bad either?
Probably because they also like eating. For me eating is: a) something to do when my stomach makes weird noises b) something do to when I am really nervous and I think I will turn inside out and my stomach will eat myself c) a social occasion. In the c) case, I normally don't like to eat, but just participate to the eating occasion.
Basically, eating is a need for me, not really a pleasure (it may also be because most of the time I have to eat my self-prepared meals which are quite disgusting and so I lost the pleasure of eating). So, I am an instinctive eater, which means that when I feel hungry, I need to eat as soon as possible. To do this, I normally I don't have enough time to prepare anything decent. But since I am creative enough to just be happy with a normal "pasta" or normal "rice", I use my imagination to make something quick that in my mind looks delicious.
The problem is: it never turns out the way I imagined.
Tonight I wanted to pamper myself with a pasta with something similar to a carbonara sauce. The similar is probably what it caused the disaster in the first place. It was amazingly disgusting. But since I grew up in a catholic environment where they thought me to eat all the food in front of me, I ate it all. If tonight I will have stomach cramps, I know why.
I should start a blog with all my great recipes. Beside this, today I also bought a wok recipe book. I am sure I will end up to modify also the recipe in there, so the book will be totally useless. The only thing I am not able to screw up are cakes. I am actually quite good with those. But I can't live out of cakes and when I make cakes my belly is normally full, so I am not in a rush to eat and I can actually follow the recipe.
One of these days I am going to poison myself with my homemade dinners. How can I be such a disaster in the kitchen with a great mom as a cooker and a sister who is not bad either?
Probably because they also like eating. For me eating is: a) something to do when my stomach makes weird noises b) something do to when I am really nervous and I think I will turn inside out and my stomach will eat myself c) a social occasion. In the c) case, I normally don't like to eat, but just participate to the eating occasion.
Basically, eating is a need for me, not really a pleasure (it may also be because most of the time I have to eat my self-prepared meals which are quite disgusting and so I lost the pleasure of eating). So, I am an instinctive eater, which means that when I feel hungry, I need to eat as soon as possible. To do this, I normally I don't have enough time to prepare anything decent. But since I am creative enough to just be happy with a normal "pasta" or normal "rice", I use my imagination to make something quick that in my mind looks delicious.
The problem is: it never turns out the way I imagined.
Tonight I wanted to pamper myself with a pasta with something similar to a carbonara sauce. The similar is probably what it caused the disaster in the first place. It was amazingly disgusting. But since I grew up in a catholic environment where they thought me to eat all the food in front of me, I ate it all. If tonight I will have stomach cramps, I know why.
I should start a blog with all my great recipes. Beside this, today I also bought a wok recipe book. I am sure I will end up to modify also the recipe in there, so the book will be totally useless. The only thing I am not able to screw up are cakes. I am actually quite good with those. But I can't live out of cakes and when I make cakes my belly is normally full, so I am not in a rush to eat and I can actually follow the recipe.
Anesthesia
France, afternoon
Instead of start drinking, considering that I badly tolerate alcohol, I anesthetize myself reading books. It is healthier, even if I completely lose the idea of what day and time it is.
Instead of start drinking, considering that I badly tolerate alcohol, I anesthetize myself reading books. It is healthier, even if I completely lose the idea of what day and time it is.
phone company
France, morning
11.38. My home bell just rang. It is Jean. Jean who? Jean of the phone company. But I don't know any Jean of any phone company. Yes, I have been at your place for your phone. No, my phone is fine, none called Jean has never been in my apartment. You don't remember, but I am Jean, you know me.
Moment of silence. Do I really know him? I am sure that none called Jean never entered in my apartment. But do I know someone called Jean? Is he someone who is supposed to come to fix some of the 3000 things that still need to be fixed in the apartment?
He got annoyed because I didn't open the door and because I insisted that I didn't know him and he never been to my place. I guess he left. Maybe he just confused me with someone else. But my name is not easy to confuse. Anyway, he left. But every time something like this happens here, in this place where there are so many weird people, I just get really nervous.
11.38. My home bell just rang. It is Jean. Jean who? Jean of the phone company. But I don't know any Jean of any phone company. Yes, I have been at your place for your phone. No, my phone is fine, none called Jean has never been in my apartment. You don't remember, but I am Jean, you know me.
Moment of silence. Do I really know him? I am sure that none called Jean never entered in my apartment. But do I know someone called Jean? Is he someone who is supposed to come to fix some of the 3000 things that still need to be fixed in the apartment?
He got annoyed because I didn't open the door and because I insisted that I didn't know him and he never been to my place. I guess he left. Maybe he just confused me with someone else. But my name is not easy to confuse. Anyway, he left. But every time something like this happens here, in this place where there are so many weird people, I just get really nervous.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Unbelievable
France, night
Randomly looking for blogs. I found the same two guy multiple times. Now I know why. They basically have more than 10 blogs about them under different names...Isn't a bit sick?
Randomly looking for blogs. I found the same two guy multiple times. Now I know why. They basically have more than 10 blogs about them under different names...Isn't a bit sick?
what is the point of no-return?
France, nightI went to the gym this evening. I actually ran to the gym, since they wanted me there at 8 pm to explain me something and I was kind of late (but I got there on time!). Of course, since nothing generally works here, they gave me the appointment at the same time of another person and so they canceled mine (I am not sure why mine and not the one of the other person). I ended up doing something on the machines while I was enjoying the UsOpen. I should start to play tennis again. This is like playing the saxophone. It is one of the thing that I always say that one day I will do it again. That day still has to come.
This morning, when I was biking to work, I saw something that shacked me. I have to admit that I am quite sensitive to other people sufferance, poverty, diseases. My first instinct is always to try to do something for them. Fortunately, a safer instinct stops me most of the times when the situation doesn't promise anything good. So, I saw this woman probably just a bit older than me, with her dirty clothes, shouting at the owner of a grocery store. I think she tried to steal something, like a fruit. The owner saw her and got angry. But this woman was so sad. It was painful to look at her. She was clearly drunk or on drugs. She tried to kick this man, but she couldn't stand on one foot and so she felt. Since last night it rained, her clothing were all wet. A man was with her, not in good conditions either, but he was able to help her to get on her feet again. I can't describe her. It just hurt me to see her conditions.
I was talking the other day with a friend. There are a lot of people here who are drunk or on drugs and they just hang around. They don't even beg. They just hang, with their faces that make me realize how hard life can be. And my friend and I were wondering, what does motivate them to go on? Daily life can be extremely difficult already for a healthy 30 something person. Some day I feel that I don't even want to get out of bed. I want to lock the world outside my place and just stay there, without having to fight just to get to the end of the day. But then, somewhere, I manage to find some reasons to get up and start my day again. But I am not sure if I would find the strength to go on if I was in the conditions of this girl. My friend thinks that maybe when people are so drunk or on drugs, most of the time they are not aware of their conditions and when they are, then they drink or take something to forget.
So, I wonder, what is the point of no-return? The girl I saw this morning was probably slightly older than me. It scares me to think that it could happen to me too. One day the sadness, the feeling of failure, the sense of impotence could be so strong that no reason would be strong enough to convince me to react. Why not? why that couldn't happen to me? because someone would help me before it would get too bad? before the point of no-return? can you really realize from the outside how does a person truly feel inside? how down is this person? I am not sure of that. And I am not sure that when you reach the point in which nothing really matter, what other people do around you would change anything. So, why couldn't happen to me one day? I already experienced a depression once, after the end of a relationship. A depression that wouldn't let me leave my place, a depression for which nothing was worth it and I was just surviving trying to get to the next day, with no purpose, no joy, nothing, just tears. Lot of them. An endless amount of tears. The point of no-return for me did not arrived, because I have been lucky enough to have someone taking care of me, like you would do with a baby. That and the fact that I was scared of what was happening to me. Scared enough to decide to talk about it with someone who helped me to get back in one piece. I consider myself lucky.
But I am still really really scared of how fragile is the human mind. One day you are enjoying your life and the next day something happens and everything turns upside down. How can you realize on time that you are in a dangerous place and you need to ask for help? how can you realize that you are close to the point of no-return and safe yourself before to pass it?
Thursday, September 4, 2008
uuuuurrgggggg
France, nightI have this passion for feet (as you can see from the pictures of the left of this blog). For my feet above all, but then I like to look at others people feet too (and comment on them). Feet attract my curiosity.
So, because lately I have problems to fall asleep and because I spend a lot of time in front of the computer (I know, it is bad), I was looking for blogs about feet....and then I found this horrendous, disgusting blog of an Italian guy completely fetish about feet...Urg, it was so horrible. Now certainly I will have more problems to fall asleep.
There are certainly weirdo out there. The main problem is that these people may hide their weirdness quite well and so you start dating them and maybe even like them and maybe even go further and think that yeah, why not, maybe you can have something with him (or her), just to end up realizing that this person is a freak. A freak dressed up as a nice guy/girl....and what to do then? run as fast as you can as far as you can?
I wonder if I am part of the freak category too....probably....I hope at least to not be part of the freaky scary category too....that would be bad.
rain
France, night
It is raining hard outside. A real thunderstorm. It goes well with my mood. Sometimes there is a moment in which it is necessary to take a step back, to get some distance from the present and the past and recharge the batteries to start over again, fresher. For me, this moment just arrived. It is not going to be easy, I already know this.
It is raining so hard that it sounds like the house is going to fall apart in a lot of pieces. Hopefully, it is not going to happen, even if the building is quite old. I would love to crawl in someone else arms and stay there, feeling home, feeling safe. This is one of the things that I have to learn. It doesn't matter how hard it rains outside, if it sounds like the end of the world, but I am going to survive, even if I am alone.
.............actually, it does sound pretty scary....how can I be sure that I am going to survive???...I am not going to sleep easily tonight!!
It is raining hard outside. A real thunderstorm. It goes well with my mood. Sometimes there is a moment in which it is necessary to take a step back, to get some distance from the present and the past and recharge the batteries to start over again, fresher. For me, this moment just arrived. It is not going to be easy, I already know this.
It is raining so hard that it sounds like the house is going to fall apart in a lot of pieces. Hopefully, it is not going to happen, even if the building is quite old. I would love to crawl in someone else arms and stay there, feeling home, feeling safe. This is one of the things that I have to learn. It doesn't matter how hard it rains outside, if it sounds like the end of the world, but I am going to survive, even if I am alone.
.............actually, it does sound pretty scary....how can I be sure that I am going to survive???...I am not going to sleep easily tonight!!
map
It is a bit depressing to look at the map that I put on my blog. It looks cool, but then when I see that almost none reads my blog is a bit depressing.
It is also true that I write more for myself than for others, so at the end, the map looks sad, but I don't care too much about it.
I just love maps.
It is also true that I write more for myself than for others, so at the end, the map looks sad, but I don't care too much about it.
I just love maps.
caught with the hands in the jam
France, night
I am not sure if the title of this blog makes any sense in English. It does in Italian and I just put there the "word by word" translation.
In any case, it means that today during my working hours, in the afternoon, I decided to take a break and write a short blog. I was inspired. The blog became rather long and while I was writing my boss walked in. Unfortunately, I give my shoulders to the door, so when I realized he was in the room and that he probably saw me writing a blog (or anyway doing something that was in no way related to work), it was too late. Result, I got an incredibly guilty face. So just in case he may have thought that I was actually doing something complicated that he couldn't figure out at my computer, thanks to my face he got for sure instantly convinced that I was playing around. Not only I got a guilty face, I also turned red and got incredibly sweaty.
Basically, he caught me with the hands in the jam.
Of course, I didn't finish to write the blog of this afternoon. This is why it is not posted here.
I am not sure if the title of this blog makes any sense in English. It does in Italian and I just put there the "word by word" translation.
In any case, it means that today during my working hours, in the afternoon, I decided to take a break and write a short blog. I was inspired. The blog became rather long and while I was writing my boss walked in. Unfortunately, I give my shoulders to the door, so when I realized he was in the room and that he probably saw me writing a blog (or anyway doing something that was in no way related to work), it was too late. Result, I got an incredibly guilty face. So just in case he may have thought that I was actually doing something complicated that he couldn't figure out at my computer, thanks to my face he got for sure instantly convinced that I was playing around. Not only I got a guilty face, I also turned red and got incredibly sweaty.
Basically, he caught me with the hands in the jam.
Of course, I didn't finish to write the blog of this afternoon. This is why it is not posted here.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
F&F
France, night
F&F stands for food and floor. The combination is not that obvious. Except for who personally knows me. Then it becomes more than obvious.
My mum always says that she realizes when I am at her place by the amount of food that she can find on her kitchen floor. I don't know how this happens. I eat with manners, in an educate way, but maybe my mouth is too large or maybe I want to do too many things at the same time. In any case, no matter how, part of my food always ends up on the floor.
Tonight I had vegetables with cous cous. I bought the small cous cous, the one with these small pieces that spread well everywhere in an almost invisible way when they finish on the floor. Invisible till you step barefoot on them and then they stick to your feet and you keep spreding part of them everywhere in the house. And this has been the dinamic of my dinner this evening. Me eating vegetable and cous cous. The cous cous falling from every side to the floor and spreading around. Me walking barefoot, stepping on pieces of it, having the cous cous sticking to my feet and keep walking around the house sticking the cous cous around.
I know what I will have to do tomorrow. Clean the floor. I should just eliminate any food that is a) small enough to not been easily seen and picked up and b) any food that may stick to my feet, to the floor or to both.
F&F stands for food and floor. The combination is not that obvious. Except for who personally knows me. Then it becomes more than obvious.
My mum always says that she realizes when I am at her place by the amount of food that she can find on her kitchen floor. I don't know how this happens. I eat with manners, in an educate way, but maybe my mouth is too large or maybe I want to do too many things at the same time. In any case, no matter how, part of my food always ends up on the floor.
Tonight I had vegetables with cous cous. I bought the small cous cous, the one with these small pieces that spread well everywhere in an almost invisible way when they finish on the floor. Invisible till you step barefoot on them and then they stick to your feet and you keep spreding part of them everywhere in the house. And this has been the dinamic of my dinner this evening. Me eating vegetable and cous cous. The cous cous falling from every side to the floor and spreading around. Me walking barefoot, stepping on pieces of it, having the cous cous sticking to my feet and keep walking around the house sticking the cous cous around.
I know what I will have to do tomorrow. Clean the floor. I should just eliminate any food that is a) small enough to not been easily seen and picked up and b) any food that may stick to my feet, to the floor or to both.
bello bellissimo
France, night
cosa fare quando sei sotto terra? Voi non lo so, io sbloggo. Nel senso che leggo blog vari. Chiaramente conosco la Pulsatilla di nome. Ci credo, libri, interviste ecc. Ma non ero mai capitata sul suo blog che e' divertentissimo. Ed effettivamente stasera, notte e' meglio, alle ore 12.30 am, mi ha appena strappato la prima risata della giornata (di ieri si intende, quella di domani o di oggi spero sia meglio!). Lo consiglio come terapia antidepressiva, funziona!
Comunque.................al diavolo gli uomini. E stanotte spero di riuscire a dormire.
cosa fare quando sei sotto terra? Voi non lo so, io sbloggo. Nel senso che leggo blog vari. Chiaramente conosco la Pulsatilla di nome. Ci credo, libri, interviste ecc. Ma non ero mai capitata sul suo blog che e' divertentissimo. Ed effettivamente stasera, notte e' meglio, alle ore 12.30 am, mi ha appena strappato la prima risata della giornata (di ieri si intende, quella di domani o di oggi spero sia meglio!). Lo consiglio come terapia antidepressiva, funziona!
Comunque.................al diavolo gli uomini. E stanotte spero di riuscire a dormire.
no sleep
I hope to not wake up with a panic attack like last night. Feeling like a failure. Feeling I will wake up 40 single, with no job, somewhere around the world, completely alone.
Life isn't easy and it is also too short to be spent crying around or feeling bad.
I would like to have someone in my life who makes me laugh and feeling good. At least most of the time. Where is this person?
Life isn't easy and it is also too short to be spent crying around or feeling bad.
I would like to have someone in my life who makes me laugh and feeling good. At least most of the time. Where is this person?
Monday, September 1, 2008
leave me alone
France, evening
I am so tired that I don't feel like eating. I am glad that I have a lot of work to do, so I can avoid to spend time thinking. It is amazing how people always feel the need of telling me how they feel and how bad I made them feeling. It is weird that they never feel the need of telling me how good I made them feeling, how glad they are of having me in their life. It is amazing how I can't do the same, express them the way they make me feel. Their behavior has always a reason, a justification. Mine, always selfish. It is amazing how easy it is too see how bad others behave and how difficult is to even consider if we may have done something wrong too.
I am angry, angry, tired, sick. I would need to start to jump now and finish tomorrow morning to try to get ride of all the bad energy. Everyone calls me to tell me what they think I should do. My grandma to tell me that I should forgive my father and be nice to him, because he has a difficult moment (fuck his moment, what about all the times I had a moment?). Can't my grandma talk to me about something else? no, she needed to tell me how this situation between my father and I makes her feeling. And this is only one example along the lines.
If I make so much everyone unhappy, could you just go away and leave me alone? so, I will not make you so unhappy anymore and just unhappy and I will not need to hear all the things I did wrong to you, in case I wouldn't have seen them. Otherwise, instead of accusing me and pointing a finger to me, try to work out with my why things happened that way, listen to what I have to say to, ask me also how I feel or I felt about it. Sometimes I feel that people feel better when they can make other people feel like shit. I don't know what it is the logic beyond, but it seems to work this way.
I am so tired that I don't feel like eating. I am glad that I have a lot of work to do, so I can avoid to spend time thinking. It is amazing how people always feel the need of telling me how they feel and how bad I made them feeling. It is weird that they never feel the need of telling me how good I made them feeling, how glad they are of having me in their life. It is amazing how I can't do the same, express them the way they make me feel. Their behavior has always a reason, a justification. Mine, always selfish. It is amazing how easy it is too see how bad others behave and how difficult is to even consider if we may have done something wrong too.
I am angry, angry, tired, sick. I would need to start to jump now and finish tomorrow morning to try to get ride of all the bad energy. Everyone calls me to tell me what they think I should do. My grandma to tell me that I should forgive my father and be nice to him, because he has a difficult moment (fuck his moment, what about all the times I had a moment?). Can't my grandma talk to me about something else? no, she needed to tell me how this situation between my father and I makes her feeling. And this is only one example along the lines.
If I make so much everyone unhappy, could you just go away and leave me alone? so, I will not make you so unhappy anymore and just unhappy and I will not need to hear all the things I did wrong to you, in case I wouldn't have seen them. Otherwise, instead of accusing me and pointing a finger to me, try to work out with my why things happened that way, listen to what I have to say to, ask me also how I feel or I felt about it. Sometimes I feel that people feel better when they can make other people feel like shit. I don't know what it is the logic beyond, but it seems to work this way.
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