Book club

We had the monthly book club meeting yesterday. It was about the book "Yellow Blue Tibia". I really enjoy the meetings of the book club. It gives me the chance to read books that I would never buy and read. This one for example was a science fiction book. I would never buy a science fiction book, as it is not the kind of stories I enjoy to read.
But I am glad I read this one. Even if the end of the book is totally confusing and quite disappointing, if we would remove the last let's say 60-80 pages of the book (I don't remember from where exactly I started to not like it), then it is a very enjoyable book to read.

The next book chose for the book club of January is "The girl who fell from the sky". I still didn't start it, as I am already reading other two books. Fortunately, I have a long train ride ahead of me (to go to Italy for Christmas), so it will be the perfect occasion to read a bit more.

Wanting to travel

I am not going to have a work contract in February.
I actually asked to my boss to start my new contract from March.
Why?
I work too much and this year that is coming to an end didn't bring me anything good in terms of work, despite the time I dedicate to it, the passion, and all the rest. At the same time, months and years pass by and if I don't take the chance to do what I always postpone, I may never have that chance.
I need a trip.
I don't need a holidays.
I need a trip and for a trip I mean traveling the way I like.

I am not sure on where to go.
I will have about a month. I would like to spend some days in the Netherlands. Why? Because the Netherlands is always good and I love being there.
Same goes for San Francisco.

Let's say that out of a month, I would have two weeks to myself for traveling (which may mean just going to a place I have never been before and exploring the place without moving around too much). I was looking on internet for some tips of places where a woman can travel alone without problems.

The thing is, I am a traveler. I have been to many places in the world. I got to this book called: "Fly Solo: The 50 Best Places on Earth for a Girl to Travel Alone".... I read the reviews of it. It is not for me. My idea of traveling has nothing to do with finding a party, or what to wear, or where it is fashionable to go. Furthermore, I wouldn't buy such a book to travel through Europe. What I am more thinking about is either going somewhere to scuba dive for an entire week or to go hiking somewhere, maybe in Costa Rica.

Here the characteristics that the place where I would like to go should have:

- Nature. Underwater, forest, mountain. It doesn't matter, as long as I am not going to spend two weeks in a city.
- I need a place which can be safe for a woman to travel and be alone.
- Not too expensive, otherwise I could not afford it.
- Not stressful. A place where people are helpful in case of need.
- I don't want to have to drive a car to go somewhere. I want a place where by public transportation I can get to the places I want to see.

I was thinking of going to Oregon and then from there down to San Francisco. There is plenty of nature in Oregon, but February may not be the best month to enjoy it and in the USA without a car you basically get nowhere...so it may not be a good choice.... :-(

I though of going scuba diving in the Cayman Islands....but it may be a bit too expensive....

I thought of going in some park in Costa Rica.........but if I am going to walk in the forest and see a lot of animals and get totally excited for it and happy, it would suck to not share that with someone whom I know would love that as well.

It is very very longtime that I want to walk in Patagonia.....but I am not sure this would be the right time and two weeks are not enough to do that.

Hard decision.....any suggestion, shared experience, warning, etc is more than welcomed!!!!

Season of presents thinking/shopping

We are getting close to Christmas again. I have to admit not only that I love Christmas, the Christmas atmosphere, the family getting together (even if often my family getting together ends up in some kind of minor drama), etc, etc, but I also love the materialistic aspect of Christmas.

I am not at all a materialistic person, but I love to find small gift for the ones I love. The presents I chose are never too expensive or pretentious, but I love to walk around looking for inspiration thinking of what the recipients of my present may like and of what could make them happy.

However, there is one person for which getting a present is always a major source of stress, which resolved in the last years in never getting anything for him. My father. I remember when my sister and I were little and we were going with my mom to search for presents for him (when my parents were still together). There was never a way to make him happy. First, he likes expensive things and dislike the un-expensive ones. So, a sweater which was not from Armani or especially Missoni generally ended up hidden somewhere to be given some year later to my sister or I (still completely new) with the excuse that it was too tight for him.
Clothing was to avoid as a present to him.
Anything too expensive was to avoid due to my sister and mine financial limitations.
Anything we could think of that he may like, either he already has it (in the last model, the best type, the coolest one, etc, etc) or he actually doesn't like it so much.
Anything handmade is not appreciated at all.

So considering the last development of my tormented non-relationship with my father, this Christmas I felt I would have liked to try to find a small present for him again. I thought of getting him a CD of a group that he may like and he doesn't know yet. I thought of the Editors. The risk is that our present is going to be a flop again.

How can you find a present for someone who already has everything he may want or like?
Any smart idea???

A poetry- Zucchero Chocabeck

My father came to visit me after my surgery.
Unexpectedly, I had a very good time talking to him. I can't allow myself to believe that people may change and that he may have started to care about me. The disappointment if this wouldn't be the case would hurt me too much. I have learned something about him in my life till now. But I have to admit that I was happy to have him here, that he was nice to me, and that he behaved like a "normal" caring father I guess should behave. So, it was nice.

Yesterday, I went out in the car with him and he was playing the new CD of Zucchero, an Italian singer that I really like. I read that this last album of Zucchero was really good and different in comparison to the previous ones. I read that it was a very intimate album.

At the first track of the album, I got goose bumps on my arms. The music was so melodic and the song so intense, that I felt like I was reading a wonderful poetry, and even more. My father this morning, before to leave to come back to Italy, left me the CD, so that I could listen to it all. I am listening to it now. I don't like all the songs in the same way (e.g., I am not crazy about "E' un peccato morir", even if it is more Zucchero old style), but I suggest the CD anyway or at least to get some of the songs, because they are marvelous. I am amazed that Zucchero is not better known outside Italy. He is one the contemporary Italian singers that I like most. Of this album, "Oltre le rive" touches me to the core.

Another important thing. I saw on the CD that Zucchero supports the Associazione Italiana Sclerosi Multipla, another good reason to get this CD: enjoy the good music and also do something good for others (in this case people with sclerosis).

Let me know if you like Chocabeck too.

pause...stop...restart

I just had a surgery. Out of nowhere this summer, getting checked for something else, the doctor found a cyst badly placed that needed to be removed.
In a couple of month the cyst went from invisible and undetectable, to annoying, kind of painful and anyway always in my mind. As one of my philosophies is to get rid of things that have to be done, I tried to schedule this surgery for as sooner I could.
The sooner was this past monday.
I got to monday totally scared. I can face dangerous situation well, but when it comes to my health (or to the health of someone I love), I feel like I am a big baby. But everything well. The surgery went well, I am still alive, the people at the hospital were all nice and helpful, the doctor who performed the surgery seemed competent and nice (and according to my mom also very handsome), the pain now is bearable, and I am already at home.

I am not good in resting. Not good in pausing my life for whatever reason that it is not dependent on my personal choice. But this was something I had to do, and even if I didn't decide to go for it (and I would have honestly happily avoided it), I am happy the surgery is past. Now I have to "behave" and be able to pause my life and rest.
I left the hospital yesterday around lunch time and today I thought that I could already work, since I was at home feeling slightly better. I quickly got punished. After about an hour behaving like nothing happened, my head started turning, I felt very dizzy and I had to hide in bed for some hours. Did I learn my lesson? To be able to pause and stop my life when necessary, like when my body is sending me messages to slow down......

we will see.....for now I am looking forward to a healthy re-start.....and this so much for living in the present :-(

But I guess that now I have plenty of times to read the books that I have never time to read.

and with this...I am screwed

I just listened to a scientific podcast. Apparently a research showed how daydreaming diminishes happiness................basically, I am screwed......

I love daydreaming and I am a big daydreamer for sure....so what??? now I discovered that because of that, I am actually less happy in my real life....

I have to admit that I always thought that I should live a bit more in the present and less in my dreams and now even a scientific research confirmed my suspect.....ah...........I will have to seriously cut my daydreaming activity for a more "stay and live in the present" life......

hard work......

Too young to be old

You can be young, in terms of effective age, and look and feel very old. I know many of these people. People who lost interest in who they really are and in what the world has to offer. And then you can be old, and feel very young. Beside the typical crisis that many men face when they start to get old, making them acting out of fear of aging, which often ends up with a divorce from their current wife and a new girlfriend with half of their age (my father is a typical example of this), beside this case I was saying, there are also healthy people who are just so enthusiastic of what life has to offer, that they are very young in spirit despite their actual age.

Myself. I can't consider myself neither young or old. Not even middle age. I mean, as a actual age, the one corresponding to my birth certificate. In any case, it doesn't really matter to which age category I fit in, because in my mind, I am still young. I feel young. I feel as a young person wrapped up in a world made of a lot of responsibilities, till the day, which I know it will come sooner or later, I will feel saturated of them and break free. There are too many things I want to do and that I keep postponing because it is never the right moment to do them. And what if there will never be a right moment?

I dream to travel across Patagonia. I had this dream since probably at least 12 years old. I had this dream after reading books about Patagonia. About the strong wind, the wild environment, the km and km of nothing. And I always feel that it would be the right place to find some peace with myself. I need empty spaces. I think that this is one of the reasons why I love Holland so much. Holland is densely populated, and so it wouldn't probably come up to my mind as a place with many empty spaces. But there are. And they are just next door to big cities. They are just at a bike distance from crowded cities. This is what I love of living in Holland. Getting lost by bike in places with empty fields, water, birds, nothing. Anyway, I am digressing.

I can't say that I don't like here, or that I am not happy here. None of these things would be true. But it is not my place. It is not a place where I feel totally in peace. Maybe I should move again, work is not all. True. But work is what made me move in the first place and leave Italy. My work is my passion and large part of my life. But it is not enough. And the more I only focus on my work, the more I get the feeling that I am missing out a lot of things, and that I am growing old.

I miss sleeping on the beach to survey the nest of the turtles, as I did many years ago. I miss acting on instinct and do something totally unplanned. I miss the adrenalin shocks that make me feel alive. My life lately is quite flat and the people I know here are quite flat too. Nothing bad about that, they are happy with their life. I am just not. Not fully. I am not flat and I am too young, or I feel too young, to have a life that moves around work, eat, sleep, pay the bills, have dinners/lunch together. I need something more. I need the unknown and I need adrenaline, undoubtedly. How can I go from totally flat to less flat? have a bit more excitement???

Let me make clear an important point. I don't want to give up my work and start to travel around the world. That is not my call. I just wish my life was less flat.

I tried to hang out with younger people and even if I had some fun, they do look at me like the old one and we do really have little in common. When you go out with people that are 10 years younger than you, it is just weird.
First, they have a lot more time in their hands generally than I have. I have a job, which I want to continue to have and it is one of my priorities.
Second, the generation gap is difficult to ignore. Third, these people are exciting or they do exciting things as I did 10 years ago, but then they will grow older and they will be like most of the people of my age with whom I don't feel comfortable now. It is just a process.
It didn't work well for me. I just felt even more out of place.

People of my age, are either married to their work or married to someone, sometimes with kids. Thus, except in a few cases, they have very little in common with me. Plus, I have many interests which I want to keep alive and it is difficult to find someone to share them with. I don't know how to get out of this out of place situation in which I am since many years.

Yesterday, I had planned a meeting with a weird person who traveled a lot and contacted me sometime ago. I thought that we could have a nice chat, so I accepted to meet him.
He didn't show up.
I stood at the meeting point for half an hour waiting for him and he didn't show up. Great! There it went my attempt to meet someone that I thought he could have been interesting (please notice: he contacted me on couchsurf, not the other way around).

Finally, this morning I got an email from one of these younger people I know here. She just got back from a bike tour in Norway and Finland. I saw a few pictures. It looks like they had a lot of fun. It looks like something I would have enjoyed a lot. Of course, I wouldn't have taken two months off (one of the girls who just came back from the bike tour, left again for another two month tour in India.....).... but I would have loved to do something like that.

Here, I can't even manage to organize a bike tour of a few hours with someone of my age!!!!!

New - old addiction

I love it, I love it, I love it!

I have a new addiction.....my old addiction was to watch the episodes of the Avatar. Not the movie, the cartoon. It is so good. Good, funny, relaxing, with a good message, nice characters. I heard that the movie based on the cartoon, the last airbender, it is not minimally as good as the cartoon.

I just started to watch it from the beginning again. It is very relaxing. But the new addiction is....I am watching it in Dutch!!! and it is even nicer, because I love to listen speaking Dutch!!! I really wish I would know the language....For now, I just enjoy listening to it and understanding something here and there.

If you have never seen it, watch the episodes of the Avatar.

very bored

I just saw this movie of Woody Allen, another woman. I liked it. And the reason why I liked it is because it was about things I fear about. I fear of waking up one day to realize that I didn't live the life I wanted and I am full of regrets and it is too late.

I already have one regret in my life. Something I wish I would have done differently. Something I still can't forgive myself for. Something that still torments me. But at the same time, I also think that I am 35 and so far I have been living fully. And I am happy about that.

But there is a part of me that it is feeling like I am slowing down. Like I am not exactly doing the things I like and I enjoy doing. Part of me feels very, incredibly bored. The thing is, I think that my life have been very full and very exciting so far and it is difficult to keep up. I did many things which I consider wonderful and extra-ordinary at the same time, I have met very challenging and interesting people, I have traveled to many places and I have learned a lot of things. Lately, everything is slowing down. I pay too much attention to people telling me that I am getting old to get the job I want (thus I have to work more, harder, full time) and since last year I got into the status of mind of "I will do this once I will get this job done/position obtained/whatever along these lines".

I am too active and too energetic to live my life only about work. I need many more things. I have friends here, I can't complain about that, but I don't share any of my strong interests or passions with any of them. I miss scuba diving. I miss traveling to explore a place and get in touch with the culture of the place (I travel a lot, but I can't manage to travel the way I would like to). I seem to not find the time for any of the things I really like to do. Partly, it is also because I have to do these things always alone, and it is not the same. I am fine alone. I like to spend time alone, but I am also a social person and sometimes I would like to share the things I like to do with people I feel closed to.

I belong to a non-existing category. I am not a student, I have a full time job, and I am not a mom. I am not living with someone, nor I have someone to account for in planning my days/evenings/week ends. And I like my work and I like to dedicate time to it. Plus, even if once I am comfortable with people I am very sociable, in general I am shy, which plays against me in just jumping into something hoping to meet people with similar interests to mine.

Two years that I am here and I can't say I have met someone (and I am not talking about a man, I am talking about friends, people with common interests) with whom I clicked. I actually met someone with whom I got along very well at the beginning. A girl from Germany. Unfortunately, she left to go back to Germany a few months after we met.

I just feel that I have too much energy and I wish I could invest it in something more than just work.

...and I know that time is passing by and sometimes I feel very dark about all this....
I just want to have fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dairy-free pancakes and yogurt-lemon cake again

Being very bored this morning, I experimented some changes to the dairy-free pancake recipe that I posted some weeks ago.
It turned out that the modifications I made improved the pancakes a lot!!!

So, from the original recipe, I used 100 gr of almond flour and 50 gr of normal flour instead of 150 gr of normal flour. I also added half tea-spoon of cinnamon to the dough, used half brown sugar and half white sugar and I didn't add the oil to the mixture. So good!!!!

I also managed to find a recipe to make a good yogurt-lemon cakes, instead of this one that didn't turn out well at all!

150 gr of margarine
100 gr sugar
3 eggs
150 gr Greek yogurt (I used the sheep one, 0% fat)
juice of two big lemons (it supposed to be good also with oranges, but I didn't try it yet)
300 gr flour
2 teaspoon of baking powder

Mix everything, adding the flour and the baking powder at the end. Grease a cake pot, pour the mixture in it and cook in the oven for about 45 min at 180 C.

Enjoy it!

The best job in the world

I think that I have the best job in the world.
Not only I think that. I am fully convinced about that.

I am a scientist and I am proud of it. There is nothing more powerful, more wonderful, more challenging, more heart-shaking that feeling part of the ones who discover things. I imagine Leonardo, Darwin, Einstein, and all those people who moved our understanding of things a step forward and even if I am not like them and I will never be, just feeling allowed to be part of the same community to which they belong too, it is a fulfillment.

I was watching a talk on Ted. Not a great talk I have to say. But it still gave me a lot of emotions. I love this world. Not what we are doing to this world, but the world itself. I love the nature that is around us. I love the diversity. I love to understand the factors that promote the diversity that we observe. What it is outside there is magnificent. And I am always feel short of world when I see a documentary or just when I walk around in nature or when I scuba dive.

I am having a hard life in my work. What I am doing is not economically valuable. My kind of science is for understanding, to discover things that maybe one day could benefit the human kind, but not now. And now economically. Some days are just so hard that I feel that I am too idealist and that my passion will not be something I will be able to live off. Some days I hear in my head the voice of my uncle telling me to get "a real job, and stop to just play around".

It is true. Us, the scientists, we play around. We don't do anything important. We build knowledge. But knowledge is not something you can eat, nor something that makes you feel warm when it snows outside. But I love it, with all myself. When I have a bad day, when my motivation is down, when I feel that I should quite, what keeps me going is the thought of myself in Venezuela, working for a marine park. The image of myself floating underwater somewhere, the image of myself in the jungle, covered in mud, the image of myself looking at a mom scorpion with its babies on the back. And I know that in all these moments I feel part of nature, and I feel in peace, and I feel I am in the right place. I feel full.

I know that all this sounds very boring to most of the people. But to be in peace, I need to feel in the nature, to be part of it. My job for me is more than a job and this is what keeps me going in the days in which I feel that what I am doing is not valuable.

What I am doing is not valuable for most of the people.
But it has no price to me. I wouldn't be the person I am without it. I am a scientist and being a scientist is not a job for me. It is a way too look at the entire world.

I wish I could do something to show to people how much beauty there is in it, in this world, in nature, before we destroy most of it.

Dairy-free pancakes

I just made these pancakes!!! The first one I made didn't turn out too well (it was my first attempt), but the others are very nicely pancakes looking and good to eat!!!

I used a recipe I found on a website and I copy it here with a modification:

Makes 8 large pancakes
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 10 minutes
Total Time: 20 minutes

Ingredients:

• 1 ½ cup all-purpose flour
• 3 T. sugar
• 2 t. baking powder
• ½ t. salt
• 1 cup unsweetened plain almond milk or other non-dairy milk
• 1 large whole egg, lightly beaten
• 1 large egg yolk, lightly beaten
• 1 ½ t. canola oil

Preparation:

1. In a medium-sized mixing bowl, sift together the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt, making a well in the center.

2. In a separate bowl, whisk together the almond milk, whole egg, egg yolk and canola oil until well combined. Add to the well in the dry ingredients and mix until just combined. (Batter should still have some lumps.)

3. Lightly oil a heavy-bottomed skillet or griddle and heat over medium heat. Once hot, add the batter to the pan, about ¼ cup at a time, flipping when bubbles begin to form on the surface of the pancakes and the edges begin to rise. Cook the other side of the pancakes for about 1-2 minutes more, or until golden brown. Repeat until all of the batter is used, keeping the pancakes warm either on a plate beneath a towel or in a 200 F. oven. Serve with toppings of choice.

Au bon roman

I got this book from my mom. I read the theme of the book and it sounded new. It intrigued me.

Even if it quite a thick book, I finished very quickly last night, not being able to put it away. I don't know if it is already available in English or if it will be translate. In any case, if you come across this book, I suggest you to read it. The story is completely new. It is well developed, it is complex, it is well written. The characters are beautiful idealistic people. I got attached to them. I needed to get to the end of the book to know what it would happen to them and to the book store they created.

I have to thank my mom for picking this book out for me!

I also recently read "The handmaid's tail" from Margaret Atwood for the book club that I attend here.

It is the second depressing book I read for the book club :-(

For sure, this book makes you think. But it also made me scared, and feeling in pain while I was reading it. There is this idea of getting through the day in the best possible way, because tomorrow could be better. But for someone who praises freedom as one of the most important values in the world, this story was very, very difficult to digest. I don't want to give away the story, if someone wants to read it, but the idea of a place in which everything would depend on the capacity of giving birth to a healthy child, honestly freaks me out. I think that the power of this book for me is exactly in this contrast: on one side, the book is so well written and developed that I wanted to keep reading and I was kind of glued to it. On the other side, the story was making me depressed and feeling I had to puke.

looking like a cage

I love my little balconies here. I have flowers and plants on them. I can't really eat outside or put a large chair on any of them, but I still like every morning to just step on the balcony, check my flower, take a pick outside and then start my day.

Here, I saw again something that I saw for the first time in Caracas, and then in Cape Town. House windows with bars. It surprised me when I was in Caracas, but then after spending there quite some time, I also realized than better safe than sorry. Same goes, I guess, for Cape Town. But here......it seems that there are a lot of thieves. And this is why so many windows have bars. All the apartment located at what they call here "rez de chausse", so the bottom floor, have them.

I found them sad. Especially in the summer. It makes me feel like inside a jail cell. In punishment. Even when you open the window, there is always something that stops the view. It would make me feel less free (and in these days I am even more for freedom and independence than I was before). I couldn't stand to live in an apartment with bars at the windows. I had a tough time when I stayed for a few days in a place like that in Caracas.

Are these windows with bars so common around the world?

I don't do well

If there is something that makes me very uncomfortable is when people compliment to me for something.

I am not used to compliments, especially if they are honest, said without a second reason. I am not used to niceness. It makes me feel I don't deserve it. It makes me feel I have to perform well to not disappoint someone who has so much faith in me or thinks highly of me.

So, today I got two open reference letters for a fellowship I am applying to. The letters were wonderful. They were more than I could ask or hope. They were both just too much from my point of me. They left me speechless, they left me uncomfortable, they left me happy, they left me nervous, they left me as if I would have steel something from someone, they left me like I tricked the people who wrote them, because I don't feel all the nice things they wrote about me.

I mean. I make a lot of mistakes in my work and there are so many things I don't know and I should know. And I am intelligent, but not incredibly intelligent. My strong points are for sure that I am very good in organizing my time and the things I have to do (which is I guess an incredible skill for an Italian), that I am trustworthy, and that I am almost always in a good mood at work. But what they wrote was not just limited to this, which I could accept and feel I deserve. There were many more nice things about my abilities and my skills at work. Things that I honestly wish they were true, but I am not convinced they are.........

Isn't silly to feel so uncomfortable and guilty because someone wrote something nice about me????

It is good that there is the week end, and I don't have to go to work....because now I just feel like hiding......

What are you wearing?

I saw two t-shirts that I could never wear, not even if they would pay me to do so.

A few days ago, I saw a guy walking toward me with a t-shirt with written: Suck my dick!

I am not sure if he knows what he was proudly walking around with. If he was angry. Or if he was just trying to look cool (does it look cool such a t-shirt?).

If I wasn't shy, I would have asked him about it.

Another day, another guy.
This one had a t-shirt with written: And what about all the good things that Hitler did?

This t-shirt left me speechless. Who would wear such a t-shirt? Let me point out that the guy, except for this t-shirt, was looking totally normal. I checked the back of the t-shirt when he passed me, just to see if there was some following to the front line that could in any way make some sense. Nop. Nothing. Again....who would wear something like that and walk around in it????

A moment of pride

I guess that everyone has heard, at least once in their life, many marvelous things about French food.

I live in France. I can't have any product containing cow milk, and I am not a bit fan of mayonnaise or other sauces.

And I am not a big fan of French food either.

After living in the South of France for more than two years now, I still can't be impressed by the quality of French food. First, I find the choice of French foods quite boring. Second, they use butter or cream everywhere, even with dishes that I don't think go well with any milk products.

All this makes me feel very proud of being Italian.

I have been accused of generalizing my experiences around the world to the few places I visited in each country. True, I didn't travel very much in France, but I did travel a bit. And it doesn't matter if you are in Montpellier, in the South-West (where I have to admit they have a bit of Spanish influence on their food), or somewhere else, you still find similar things to eat.

Where is all the fantastic French food I heard so much about?
Is it only in 5 stars restaurants?

I just got back from traveling with my mom here and there in France. And my mom was surprised too about the lack of variety that you could find when eating in a French restaurant or in a Brasserie. Sure, in France they have great wines (which I don't drink) and great cheeses (most of which I can't eat). But what about the rest? What about regional typical recipes? Of course they exist....but why is it so hard to find something characteristic here and there for a reasonable price, without having to go to one of these restaurants where they serve you a portion that makes not enough even for a single bite?

And if you are vegan, forget of traveling around France. Big cities, such as Bordeaux and Paris have vegan and vegetarian restaurants, but with these exceptions, somewhere else vegan and vegetarian options (except for a salad) are difficult to find.

Italian food is amazingly popular here! We are in France! The kingdom of French cuisine!!!! and what do you see? plenty of quite expensive Italian restaurants always full of people. It doesn't make sense, does it?

And a last thought.
Young people here eat quite badly. I am always amazed when I hear comments about how badly Americans eat. Go to a supermarket in France and check out what people buy, especially young people. Pre-made food, lot of junk food, lot of fatty food. Go near an University place, and check out what students get for lunch............huge sandwiches filled with sauces and various things and then a layer of French fries.....

I think that by coming from Tuscany, I am just very very spoiled in terms of quality of life!

You better never need to see a doctor

November 2009. I had a pain in my chest, near the diaphragm. First thought: may that be a symptom of an angina attack? heart attack? this latter runs in the family, so it wasn't a very weird thought.

But no, fortunately.

I went to see my general doctor, which sent me home with a list of medication against gastritis and a request to get a check for a hiatus hernia. I got an ecography and it turned out to not be a hiatus hernia. Could it be a gastritis? the medication only made me more sick, but it was worth checking. Thus, I got sent to see a gastroenterologist, who suggested me taking an endoscopy to check things more accurately. Smart idea: get the endoscopy without anesthetic. Painful, terrible experience! Fortunately, nothing was found.

General conclusion: you have a nervous gastritis, which causes a lot of problems, among which this pain in the chest. Take these other medication for the gastritis and these plant medications to help you chill out.

The pain didn't disappear, but I did sleep better.......an average of 10 hours minimum instead of the normal 8.

July 2010. The pain in my chest is still there. I got a check with the gastroenterologist who told me that whatever nervous gastritis I had is gone for now and that no, for sure the pain I feel is not and it was not induced by a gastritis. He had mistaken the source of my pain and thus his idea of what I have. He suggested me to see my general doctor again to ask her to address me to a reumatologist, so that I could get checked for inflammation around the xiphoid area.

I pay a visit to my general doctor who comes up with a few test to run and a few possible hypothesis:

1) you may have a broken rib or a broken piece of xiphoid, but I don't believe so. But let's take an x-ray to check.

2) you may have an inflammation of the area, maybe a cyst there which causes the pain.

3) you may have a bone growth there, which does not necessarily have to be cancerous, but better to check for it and take a scintigraphy (a very very invasive test to take).

I left the doctor, got home and cried a lot for how scared I got after talking to her.

I feel ok. I can't run or do hard core sport because of this pain in my chest, which impede a nice, smooth rib cage expansion. But beside this, I am ok. Every morning I wake up and do some exercise for the arms and some for the abdominal. And everything feels ok.

It didn't make sense.

So, I got the x-ray and the response was that I didn't have anything broken and no need for a scintigraphy because I had an inflammation of the area probably due to a very small and extremely rare kind of hernia from which fat passes trough. If you look on internet for this kind of hernia, it is so rare that there is almost nothing written about it.

Next step, a CT scan analysis was necessary to confirm the existence of this hernia.
I got the CT scan this morning. Beside the fact that it took half an hour to the nurse to find at least one vein in which to inject the nasty compound (they, two people, checked my hands, arms, wrists in search of at least one vein that they could use), beside the fact that the compound burns like hell when it gets into the body and that I felt the need to pee, beside all this, it turned out that no, I don't even have an hernia, that most likely is just a nasty inflammation, but....................since they were checking things, they found something else and they suggested me taking an MRI to confirm the diagnosis.

Ok, so since November last year I got an endoscopy without anesthesia. Two ecographies. An x-ray. A CT scan. Not bad...and all this to tell me what? that basically they have no clue of what gives me the pain, that most likely is a simple inflammation or xiphoid syndrome (if you check on internet it seems that doctors think about this hypothesis as one of the last resources), that I should see another doctor and then get an MRI to check for something which has nothing to do with this pain I feel.......

Definitively better to always feel well!

Dangers of being a nice friendly person

I remember a colleague of mine in Germany complaining about the men not looking at her there, in Germany. As a French, she always told me about how French men show their appreciation for women, how French men are able to make you feel attractive, pretty, noticeable, sexy, how French men.........................................................

.............The only French man working with us at that time was someone so pushy, someone who wouldn't know what a boundary of decency is, someone so convinced to be the best in the world in everything (especially when it would come to seduce women, according to him), that I thought that he was an exception. French men couldn't all be like that.

After 2 years of living in the South of France I can say that even if not all the French men I met here are like him, French men can be very pushy, and very insistent when it comes to flirting, showing you their attention and wanting to get yours.

Lately, a trip to the laundry place become also an adventure. An adventure of me playing the reserved, very polite, but also shy person and of the two guys there trying to flirt with me in any possible way. It doesn't matter whatever excuse you could tell them, I have a boyfriend, I am lesbian, I want to become a nun, I only date men who would jump out of a 10mt high bridge for me, nothing. They would keep going, feeling challenged by my refuse. None of them has been pushy or lacked or respect, but they do anything as possible to make clear to me that if I would like, they would be available to go out on a date with me. They have been offering me help transporting the laundry back to my place, going to shop with me, showing me the area a bit. Anything I could say, would give them an idea about a place they could invite me or something we could do together. I honestly don't even know if it is a role men have to play here, the macho flirting French romantic guy, or if they are actually interested. Not that it would make a difference to me.

Then I go food shopping. The guy standing in line behind me had just a bottle of coke. I asked him if he wanted to pass before me, as I had many things. He answered that no, he was not in a rush and I said "ok, you can still change mind, there are a few people before me". A few minutes go by and what does he do? he tells me that he changed his mind...................

...................but not about passing in front of me in line, not. About wanting to have a drink with me. So, again in a very polite way, we started the game of him inviting me for a drink (out, to his place, to my place, anywhere I would feel comfortable) and me politely refusing any of his offers. All this while standing in line and with people staring at us.

On top of this, today a guy on the street offered me to help transporting my laundry.

I am not a model. Physically I am a very normal looking person. It is true that sun and hot weather make hormones go crazy. But still, my hormones don't make me flirting with any man I meet on the street. Not even with every second one. They do not make me be any different of how I am in winter.

........two questions now.....
Is this a cultural French thing? that when there is a woman around you need to flirt and show that you are a man with needs?

Is it so much better to always receive attentions and comments like here in France than just feeling invisible as in Germany?

I for sure don't want to feel invisible for the person I like/love/I am with.....but I absolutely don't mind to be totally invisible for the other men....

Nothing green left in Italy?

To save money, it seems that the Italian policy is to cut here and there from the least important areas in which the money were going: science and nature.

The recent proposal concerning Italian protected areas, is to cut them down to 50%. Here below I attached the press release of the Italian National Association of staff members of protected areas.

Instead that progressing, I feel that in Italy we are more and more going backward. Italy is an amazing beautiful country, why not try to protect it?

Press release of the Italian National Association of staff members of protected areas (394), denouncing the Italian government measures approved by the Italian Senate some days ago and now under examination by the Italian House of Representatives which will cut down by 50% the budgets of all Italian National Parks, de facto causing their total paralysis or even shutdown  for  some of them.


NO to the shutdown of ITALIAN NATIONAL PARKS
On 23rd July 2010: SIT-IN IN ROME

People of parks are going down in the street  in Rome on the  23rd of July  to protest against the government measures, approved by the Italian Senate some days ago and now under examination by the Italian House of Representatives  which imply a  50% reduction of financial resources for  the National Protected Areas.
It is a heavy hit for the  fragile system of Italian  Parks  that will cause their total paralysis  or even  the shutdown  for  some of them. .
Aserious blow for nature and tourism in Italy: wildlife, habitats, rivers,  forests and coasts in the last 24 Italian natural paradises (Gran Paradiso, Stelvio, Dolomiti Bellunesi,  Foreste Casentinesi, Arcipelago Toscano,  Sibillini, Gran Sasso,  Abruzzo, Circeo, Cilento, Vesuvio, Gargano and many others)  will be once again subject to  speculation  and indiscriminate exploitation.
Every environmental policy required by the European Union  will be canceled, and this just during  the International Year of Biodiversity that recognizes,  as the National Biodiversity Strategy,  the strategic  role of  Parks and the need to strengthen them.
Altogether the National Protected Areas, which include about  5% of the national territory,  cost to the Italian Government 50 millions Euro, which is equivalent  to the price of one coffee a year for each Italian resident.  But, for the Italian government, environment, biodiversity, sustainable development and  EU policy strategies,  do not deserve even this coffee!

On  the 23rd of July, the associations which represent the parks world (guides, employees, managing directors, park wardens, environmental educators) and the environment NGOs   have organized a sit-in in Rome in front of the Italian Ministry of the Environment   to say NO  to an  irrational reduction of financial resources for National parks, a real shame for a civil country, a serious violation to international, European  and constitutional rights.
It is time to say NO to the continuous attacks that weaken  and discredit  parks and  their  institution.

The casket of the Italian natural treasures, that parks cannot defend any more for future generation, will be symbolically given back to the Italian Minister Stefania Prestigiacomo, asking for:

1) a concrete and definitive recognition of the national parks' role  as  important and strategic instruments  for environmental policy;
2) the exclusion of the protected areas from the reduction of financial  resources (item 7 paragraph 24 Law by Decree 78/2010) and the commitment to provide parks the necessary means  to comply to strategic international and national aims.

Everybody is asked to participate to defend the Italian parks and environment.

The following associations and NGOs will participate to the sit-in:

UNIONE per i parchi e la natura d'Italia
394 Associazione nazionale personale aree protette
AIDAP Associazione italiana direttore e funzionari aree protette
AIGAE Associazione italiana guide ambientali
AIGAP associazione italiana guardie dei parchi e delle aree protette
WWF Italia Onlus
LIPU Lega Italiana Protezione Uccelli
ISTITUTO PANGEA  -  MOUNTAIN WILDERNESS
PRO NATURA - ITALIA NOSTRA
COMITATO NAZIONALE DEL PAESAGGIO
VAS Verdi Ambiente Societa'
ALTURA Associazione Tutela Rapaci Italiani e loro Ambienti

for further informations,
please contact Andrea Gennai:
Tel. +39.320.4270842 

Book club

I have never been part of a group club. I have never participate to any meeting of a book club before, but I have always liked the idea.

I love books.

And I love to discover new things, including new writers, new book.

And I like the idea of sharing thoughts about a book with a few other people.

I don't know why I have never managed to participate to at least to one book club meeting. In any case, today I walked in to the English book store as I wanted to sell some books and I got hooked with this thing of the book club. They meet once a month, so it is not a big commitment for someone who travels all the time like me. I think I can make it once a month (except if I am traveling exactly at the time of the meeting). So, I got the book to read for the next book club meeting. I have never heard of this author (who apparently instead is quite well known), but the story sounded very interesting to me.....

The book to read is from C. McCann and the title of the book is "Let the great world spin"

I hope that the book club will be a nice experience and that I will meet some nice people there.

Ah, plus point. The book club discussion will be in English!!! so refreshing!

Rejuvenating treatment

I came back from Italy only a few days ago.

I didn't do too much there, beside sleeping a lot, reading, eating good food (and quickly gaining weight. Italian food is SO GOOD!), spending time with family and friends, going to the swimming pool or to the sea.

The result is that I came back not only very relaxed, but I apparently look also rejuvenated. Probably it is due to the fact that I don't have anymore the deep black circles under my eyes due to the lack of sleep. Or probably it is due to the fact that my face is not all wrinkled as when I spend hours frustrated in front of the computer trying to finish something....anyway, the result of my 10 days in Italy is that I relaxed a lot, spent quality time with myself and my family and friends, and now I look happier and younger.

The time I spent away from here was also very useful in helping me to keep things in perspective. I realized that I am actually happy that I didn't get one of the jobs I applied to this year. It wouldn't have been good for me. And even if at work everyone makes me feel that I am too old already to get a permanent position, I realized when I was in Italy that almost 35 is not old at all, whatever people here may think and I shouldn't let their opinions influence me and the way I feel about myself and what I did till now (which maybe will not give me a job easily, but it gave me a lot of beautiful memories and experiences).

.......coming back here made me feel a bit home sick.....

summer cleaning

I am taking one week-10 days off from work. Let's call this time holidays, although it is more just time for myself. I need, at least once a year, some time to just chill out and put things in the right places in my life.

Where to do that? I decided to just come to Italy, to my mom's place, where I can always find a way to get a break from my normal life....which, to be honest is not very normal anyway....

First step, as soon as I get to my room, the one I had before moving out from Italy, about 10 years ago, I start opening all the closets and look for old things to trow or give away. Then I begin by organizing the rest of the things. It is a process that may take a few days, as after the clothing, there are the books, the magazines, etc. By doing that, I feel in some way like if something inside me is getting in order too. By the end of the process, I may have gotten ride of one or two things, as I am too attached to everything to easily trow or give things away. But it is mentally very helpful.

And maybe it is because I am approaching my 35 years and this time, age is hitting me. But I feel ready for some major "summary" of my life so far. I really thought I would have got a permanent position this year, which I didn't. And I don't think to be over that yet. It still bothers
me. But that it is not the only thing. I am trying to realize all the things that are not the way I wish they were in my life and that do not make me happy. And I hope to change or improve them.

I feel lucky in having a place where I can always hide, rest, feel very welcomed and loved any time I need.

I should move to Scotland

...This is at least what a colleague of mine, on a work trip with me to Spain, told me. She spent I don't know how many years in Edinburgh and when I told her that my ideal guy is a classical Northern type (meaning tall and with blue eyes) with either blondish (but not too blond) or reddish (but not too red) color of hair, she asked me what am I doing in France.

....Of course, life is not about finding some good looking attractive guy, but I got to the point in which if I am in any Southern European country, I rarely find an attractive man, but as soon as I move North, I can at least see a few of them. She suggested me to get a job either in Holland or in Scotland.......

I just saw a movie with Ewan McGregor. I didn't like the movie, it actually the main character made me angry, but I did enjoy seeing Ewan McGregor in there. I didn't say it. He is Scottish. He does look not masculine enough for me, but still.....

Ok, I am definitively too picky......

Love, anger, affection, and nothing

I was just wonder: is anger toward a person better than nothing?

When a deep, tormented, happy, passionate love relationship is over, what does it remain?

I just came back from a work road trip that I shared with two other girls and of course, because of the hours spent in the car traveling, we had a lot of girl's talks.

One of us is in her 3rd year with a guy she loves, she is attracted too and everything. So all good. But she does still think about one of her ex-boyfriends. She said that he wasn't for her. She said that she is very happy with her current boyfriend. But she also said that while for her other ex-boyfriend she could just feel very happy when she heard that they moved on, for one of them she still has some sort of feelings. Not that she would like to have something with him again, because she is happy where she is with the person she is now. But she also said that she had such a passionate, intense, deep love with this guy, that even if it is over and since longtime, she can't still think of him with someone else without feeling a pain and she still thinks of him from time to time and wonders if it is better to feel a passionate, intense love, or a deep love and attachment. She just know that she is happy, but she wonders what there is still so much left over from her old relationship after so long.

And so we wondered what happened after we break up with someone with whom we had something very intense. Last summer I met an ex-boyfriend of mine. I loved him very deeply. He is the person who gave me again confidence in men, who tough me the meaning of love and happy relationship. At a certain point, when I realized that we wanted different things, I ended the relationship. It took me a bit to get over it, but I did. And now I think of him with love, affection, gratitude and I have a lot of good memories, but I am happy for him if he is happy and I am happy if he has someone else who makes him happy. When we met last summer, he told me that he was still angry at me. After about 6 years after the end of our relationship, he was still angry at me.

I couldn't believe it.

So, during these long trips in the car, us, three girls, we started to wonder about what we would like that our lost big loves would feel for us. I think that nothing is the worst thing of all the possible scenarios. Someone who for me meant so much and with whom I shared so much ending up feeling nothing for me. I guess that this may have something to do with my father, but I have a dreadful fear of just being easily replaced. I want to feel special and irreplaceable. I know that it may sound very childish, but I honestly would like that in the same way as I have special thoughts for the person with whom I had a very passionate, intense, deep relationship, this person also would keep me in his heart in a special place together with a lot of nice memories and thoughts about me.

It helped me to talk about these things with other girls. It helped me to feel that I am not the only one who questions herself, no matter if the others are single or with someone else. It didn't solve anything and it was still just a lot of girl's talk, but some time it is very comforting to feel that I don't come from another planet and that I am not that weird after all. Sometimes, it is very comforting to feel a sense of belonging.

Sometimes it would be very comforting to feel that all the love that we invested on someone, all the good things, how we used to be so special for each other, it is still there in some way and that we both keep a space in our heart for that special person who made us feel so much. I have this space in my heart. Childishly, I would like to be reassured that the people I loved so much, have it too for me.


PS. I think someone just peed on my balcony from the apartment above. They are having a party. I was watching a movie and I heard some liquid dropping in the bucket that I have on my balcony. I hope that it was just some beer and not really some pee, but I am not sure......BLEAH!

and after yesterday.....

...after my down mood yesterday (I guess it has also something to do with the pms), a wake up at 6.30am because I have too many things to do and to think about, a lot of work, getting ready for another trip tomorrow, and visiting a friend, on my way back from her place to my place, I stopped by at the Virgin store to get buy a dvd and when I saw Little miss sunshine, one of my favorite movies, discounted, I had no doubts on what to chose.

I loved this movie the first time I saw it and I loved it even more now. Each one of the characters is great and the actors are wonderful. It is such a nice story. So, I just had a very relaxing evening. I guess I should go to bed right now, as I will have to wake up early for the trip tomorrow (and I may have to drive and I hate driving!).......

Carrot bread

I made a carrot bread today. It turned out to be so good! Here the recipe:

Ingredients:
200 g of flour, 4 eggs, 330 g of grated carrots, 180 g of margarine, 10 g of baking powder, 10 g of baking soda, 5 g of cinnamon, 2 g of nutmeg powder, 100 g of raisins, 1 tablespoon cinnamon, 50 g of brown sugar, 150 g of normal sugar, a pinch of salt, some additional brown sugar for the topping.

Grate the carrots and place on a kitchen towel. Cover with another towel and let dry. Rinse well the raisins in water, so that they become softer. Beat together the eggs, the margarine, and the sugar (brown+white). Mix them well till you get an homogeneous compound.
Sift together flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg powder, raisins. Add the carrots to this compound and pour the egg mixture into the dried ingredients (flour et al.) and mix well.
Grease a baking pot, pour the mixture and sprinkle the surface with a bit of brown sugar. Bake at 180 degrees for 40'-one hour.

This cake is quite similar to the one I posted here. I like them both and everyone else who tried them, loved them too!

Sex and the city 2- after the movie

I finally saw it. Sex and the City 2.

I have to say that watching it in French it is not the best way of seeing it. Carrie has a horrible voice in French. And the dialogues, I am sure about it because I did the comparison between the original and other version of the series, lose some sparkles in the translation.

But I generally liked it.

It may be because I was so prepared to such a bad bad movie after reading all the negative comments on the movie database, that I didn't have high expectations. Of course, they could have dressed Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte a bit more like "normal" people when they were in Abu Dhabi, and there is one day (in the movie is the same day) in which they are in the desert and they change 4 times, always wearing fabulous dresses. It is true, there is not such a big story behind this movie, and true also that Carrie looks quite selfish in this movie (these are some of the comments I read about it). But the point is: 1) Carrie is a selfish character, even in the episodes, so no surprise there. I think that the fans of Sex and the City knows her that way. 2) The dresses were exaggerate for being in Abu Dhabi probably. But I have never been there, so, I don't know. Maybe they were not so out of place, if the state is considered to be the new Dubai. The movie is a lot about the different outfits of each of them. But so it was the previous movie. I guess that it is more and more a characteristic of Sex and the City being something like a fashion show too. I don't find it adding something the movie, and some of the outfits were out of place (e.g. the skirt of Carrie when she meets Aidan at the market downtown), but I guess that it was predictable that clothes would play a bit role in this movie. 3) The story behind this movie is really poor. True, there is not such a big story, but there are a lot of more daily little stories in there. I don't have kids, but I love the scene in which Miranda and Charlotte get together to talk about their frustrations. And I felt close to Carry when she got a bad review for her book (I don't write books, but I have to write a lot of articles for my work and sometimes I get very bad reviews too).

I also read that the movie is kind of racist, especially because of Samantha's behavior, shows that Americans know little about the culture of other places and comments of this kind. Samantha is Samantha. She is very true to her character. And in fact, in a different culture, she gets in trouble for being so liberal. I didn't find it respectfulness. Of course, Samantha was there for work-reasons, but wasn't the goal of the person who invited her there to let her know and appreciate the place so that she could propose it as a fancy-luxury holidays location? She explored the place in her own way. And I don't think that the movie portraits Americans in a bad way.

Conclusion: it is not a great movie, and the series is still better than any of the two movies, but after all I liked it, I spent some 2 nice hours with some girlfriend, we went out after it to talk about it (and of course to talk about other things too), it made me feel very light, it made me feel I wish I could wear some of those dresses and shoes just to try them on (and I am very far from being someone interested in fashion and shoes, but some of the clothes they were are wonderful!), it made me laugh. So, all of these, are very positive things!

And Liza Minnelli is great! Really a plus to this movie! I saw her playing in "Arrested Development" and she has an amazing personality, whatever the role she has to play. Really a top part of this movie.

Let me know if you watched it and what you think about it.

sex and the city 2

I am planning to go to watch Sex and the City 2 this evening. I was just reading the reviews here. They are horrible. This movie got very, very bad reviews. Now I am even more curious to see it.

sunny days

It is so nice the weather now, that I feel like spending a lot of time outside exercising. Since this is not possible during the week, because I am working a lot and I get home so tired that I have no energy to even change to go running, I started since a few weeks doing some exercises at home in the morning and in the evening when I get back from work. Of course, I also bike or walk or skate to work, but that for me doesn't count. I always do that.

It is very nice and very relaxing. On top of the mental benefits, I start to see some muscle definition in my spaghetti-arms (called spaghetti-arms after I heard this term from the olandesino (not referring to my arms), to indicate arms without muscles (exactly like mine)). NICE! I like muscled arms. I actually love them! So, it is my goal to get well-defined and toned arms by the end of the summer.

I started with some push-up and I still can't do more than 10 one after the other, but I am now able to do more repetitions, which is already a small satisfaction. This evening I did arm exercises, abs and butt exercises. I just take one random issue of Shape or Self magazines that I have here, look for some exercise that I can do at home and do 3 replicates of each. It doesn't take too long and it makes me feel good. I wish there would always be sun, it really motivates me to move more. And the more I exercise, the better I feel and the better my body look, and so the more motivated I feel to move more. Circular things!

Happy exercising to everybody!

New road

I had a very relaxing week end. Just what I needed after traveling so much. I have been reading, sleeping, walking around today. And this evening I finally decided to get on my bike and explore my neighborhood.

In a couple of days it is 2 years that I live in France. Wow. Time passes so fast. I can't believe that it is already two years. But if I think about it, it seems that living in my other apartment was just in another life and that all the past, my life in Germany or Holland or the USA was at the same time not too long ago and very long ago, depending on what I think about. Time is so relative. It always amazes me.

Anyway, after moving so much around the world, I realized that I need about a year to start to get comfortable in a place and about two years to actually start to feel that I live in a place (this with the exception of Amsterdam, where I felt home after probably just a few weeks living there). So, today I felt that it was about time to explore a bit the territory around my apartment. I fought my allergy (pollen allergy. Terrible in this season in the Mediterranean area. I don't have it as soon as I move away toward Northern Europe or the USA). I biked around and I saw some nice area and I also discovered that there is a small park near by. I never know where to go running, since I don't like running on the road with cars passing near by. Now I found a park (very small.....I don't know if it would be good for running) and I realized that there is a short cut to go to work from my place, with a bike road. Quite cool! It took me exactly a year to find it.

Thinking about a year ago, I realized how many things changed in the last months. A year ago my fellowship was just ending and I had to live with another fellowship giving me only 1000 euros a month. And then, out of nowhere, when I was close to get jobless, I got a job offer for two months and then for a year, so that I could keep working and living here. And everything happened in such an expected way...Life can play some weird games for us....
All this to say that what started from very little, now gave me a life in France for over two years, some friends and starting to feel comfortable where I am....not so bad after all!

This French life

I finally slept a lot this morning. And then I started my day with a French treat. I went to the nearest bakery and I bought some fresh baguette for my breakfast. I got back home and had a nice breakfast with strawberries, baguette, coffee with soy milk, jam and honey. Very nice.

Then my plan for the day includes sitting outside at a coffee place with a friend to chat and relax. And tomorrow hopefully, I will bike to the beach where I will relax in the sun sleeping and reading my book.

Life can be quite nice :-)!

PS. The new movie of Sex and the City is coming out soon here in France too!!! Looking forward to that!

Traveling again

I was supposed to get a train to go to Italy. My best' friend kid is going to be baptized tomorrow. Plus, on monday is my father birthday (not that we ever celebrate the birthdays together), plus I wanted to spend some time with my grandma and mom.

I got back from my previous trip deadly tired and I also had a job interview yesterday (but I didn't get the job). Traveling was the last thing I wanted to do now, no matter if it was about going to Italy or in any other place. I just would like to sleep, enjoy the sun here and have a day in which I can just do nothing if I want to.

I got an email before yesterday, at 11 pm saying that I should go to Perpignan for work. Fortunately Perpignan is still in the South of France and hopefully I can be back tonight.....but still. I canceled my trip to Italy, I woke up at 6am this morning and I am getting ready to move again...

My friend didn't take it well at all. I expected that. She took like I don't care about her and she is not part of my priorities....I knew it. My grandma was not happy either, but she understood. My father will take it very badly too.......

It is amazing how the ones who really give me less in their lives, from whom I never hear in months, than get very disappointed if for ones I let them down and I am not doing what it is supposed to be the right thing. Going to Perpignan is not ideal either for me, but the trip is for sure better than spending 12 hours in a train to be in Italy for 2 days to spend other 12 hours in a train to get back. Of course, as it is me traveling all the time and not them, it is difficult to understand how I could be tired of moving or how I need to be selfish now to be able to sleep and just be without having deep bags under my eyes all the time. I am aware that not going to Italy may not be the right thing to do, but why when I do something to take care of myself which doesn't match the expectations of other people (whom I spoiled probably too much, always thinking about them), then I get people I care a lot about giving me a lot of problems for it???

On the move again

I got back from my trip across Europe. I had a great time (beside the horrible weather in Slovenia and Hungary) and the work seemed to be successful (I have to wait for the results to know that for sure).

I slept very little and now I am crashed. Totally. I have a job interview tomorrow and between being very tired, not in a great mood shape, and being quite nervous about it, I can't say that I am ready for it.

Then I will travel again. I feel I am living with a suitcase. This time I have to go to Italy. And I write I have to go because if it was just up to me, I would spend the coming week end biking to the beach and sleeping either on the beach or here at home. Instead, I have to go. I have one of these things that I have to do to not disappoint a good important friend for me. I am sure that she would not understand if I will say that I can't make it because I am behind being tired. Then after this trip, I will have to go to Marseille, to Spain and to Perpignan. For work, of course.

I wish I could disappear in some place with no computer, no internet, no phone, nothing and just sleep and recover without being worried of not finding a job after that. I am so tired!!!

PS. Out of topic, but very good news! Elio Germano won a prize at the Cannes film festival. I am very proud!

Heading to Hungary

Getting ready for the next work trip. I am traveling all the time and when I am at home, it is often so short that I can't even feel home (nor find the time to do the laundry without rushing and leaving again with half of my clothes still wet).....

When I saw the movie Up in the air I felt very empathetic toward G. Clooney...even if I really like to be at home (chez moi) and spend some time just by myself, for myself, pampering myself.

Before this new trip, this morning I decided to pamper myself with a facial mask. Facial masks are cool, but I don't know how anyone who lives with someone could still treat herself with a facial mask....I would honestly feel ashamed in going around the house with a green tick mask on my face knowing that someone could be around or could enter in the apartment and seeing me like that......

One of the luxuries of living alone I guess......

Thanks god there is Sex and the City

I just had an horrible day today.

Last night I worked till 2.30am on a presentation for this morning. The presentation is for a job interview. I expressively made it quite general, so that people could help me to address the points on which to focus more or less.

I woke up at 9 (so I didn't even sleep 8 hours....and I am someone who needs to sleep a lot) and my day went: first work meeting at 1.30pm, second work meeting at 2pm (very intense meeting that ended at 3.40pm), my presentation's trial at 4pm.

The first comment was that my presentation was bad.
Just like that.
Nothing less, nothing more.

This is a bad presentation. Sweet!

Second comment. This presentation is too general, it doesn't say anything...and from there on, it didn't improve at all. Beside, as I have never worked in a French system till recently or studied here, I don't clearly fit in one of the categories in which you need to fit when you apply to a job. I tried to fit my experiences to these categories and it turned out that:

a) I didn't do a good job, as I clearly misinterpreted some of the categories and
b) consequence of the above is that it looks like I lied in my job application....which of course, it doesn't look so good....
c) obviously the jury will ask me why this discrepancy between my application documents and what I actually did
d)....I will need to explain how little I understood of the French University system....which of course, doesn't look good again.

The presentation ended up with one of the people there asking me if I really wanted the job and another one asking me why I applied to it when there are people out there who would really strongly wanted it.

I would say that it was a success!

I literally felt like shit. Nothing less.

I came back home, crawled on the couch, stayed motionless with a blank mind for I don't know how long, then cooked something, ate and finally decided to watch again for the billion time the first season of Sex and the City (while I look forward to the new movie), while doing some exercise....and I finally started to relax a bit.

Such a crappy day, saved at the end by Sex and the City and some good phone calls by people who love me no matter if I fit or not the French system (but I would need to find a permanent job soon or later).

PS. Top of the day...my famous tooth still hurts (and I think my dentist doesn't know anymore what to do with it)!

Yogurt-lemon cake

If you are looking for a perfect breakfast-tea/coffee break time cake, try this yogurt-lemon cake. I just tried it (and this time I made sure to not forget to add baking powder to the recipe)! I just had two slices of it with a cup of coffee!

One thing. If you have problems with cow-milk like I do, but you can have no-fat plain yogurt, then this cake is for you (I used no-fat Greek-yogurt for this recipe). However, it does contain milk, as one of its main component is yogurt.

Recipe:

- 350 gr of flour
- 8 gr of baking powder (for this cake I used self-raising flour, so I didn't add again the baking powder)
- 80 ml olive oil
- 425 gr of Greek-yogurt
- 120 gr of sugar
- 2 and 1/2 lemons
- 2 eggs
- a small pinch of salt
- a small pinch of vanilla extract

Mix the yogurt with the eggs, a bit of grated lemon skin, and the juice of the two and half lemons. Mix well and add the oil, sugar, baking powder, salt, vanilla extract, and slowly all the flour. Grease a cake pot, pour the mixture in it, and bake at 180 degrees C for 20-30 minutes. Check with a toothpick when it is ready.

Done! ready to enjoy it!

PS. I am not too happy after all with this cake......my mom tried too and she was not too enthusiastic either....if you know a better recipe let me know...

are you a native speaker?

I saw this message the other day on couchsurf. They were looking for someone who would like to act in front of a crowd, who wouldn't be afraid to talk with a microphone and who speaks English, better with an accent.

I know that I don't have an Italian accent, as everyone thinks that I am front Eastern Europe when I speak English, but I do have an accent. I do speak English and I would like to start again my childhood hobby of acting. So, I got in touch with the person who put the advertisement on couchsurf.

First step: phone interview. The name of the guy with whom I had to talk to was Liam, which I pronounced "Laiam" (read it literally as I wrote it)........I would say that I started very well with my English. He corrected me on his name and then his next sentence was: "we only want native English speakers"....I wonder how he could guess that I was not :-)

Anyway, that opportunity for a nice break outside my main work hobby/earning money (yes, they were also paying for this acting....all my friends were making fun of me asking me if it was a porn movie....otherwise, why looking for inexpert actors???...but would you need to be a native English speaker to act in a porn play??? and would that be in front of a crowd??? I don't think so...) is gone......it was gone in less than a minute of a phone interview actually. I guess I did very well.

Ok, not a native English speaker to act.

Next language. French. I applied for a teaching position here. I do have quite of an Italian accent when I speak French (everyone spots me as Italian already when I say "bonjour")...It seems that I got selected for the interview, which is in French. The person who will get the job will have to teach in French. Mandatory: in French. My ex-boss here has a plan to help me to get rid of my Italian accent in less than a week for the interview.....I don't know how he is going to achieve that.....why couldn't I teach with an Italian accent? I do have problems with the language and I am still lost in translation sometimes (when it comes to work, I think in English)....but I guess I could teach....It appears that as a non-native French speaker, I would have some possibility to get the job only if everyone else who got selected for the interview will not show up......highly likely, I would say.....

Anything that I could do here by speaking my native language then???? apparently, none is looking for Italian speakers.... :-(

At least my consolation is that even if my native language is the wrong one in terms of job market here......it sounds very nice and I am proud of it!

traveling, traveling, traveling

I am currently in France, but traveling all the time. Meaning: one day or two I am at home, the next I am somewhere else for a couple of days (just a couple of days), then back home, then travel again and so on.

All this for work.

It is quite nice to travel and I like it....but I feel a bit like a person scattered all around that as someone who is just traveling. Some days I wake up and I need some minutes to figure out where I am and what I should do that day. Plus, I am often traveling with other people for whom I am responsible.....not that easy, not always. For the last two weeks, I mostly moved here in France and I got to see some nice place and I got to have some very nice experience.

Next stop: Hungary. I am looking forward to that. We will go by car and our plan includes one day stop in Italy and one or two days stop in Slovenia (I love Slovenia!!!), all this to sample different animals. Then 4-5 days in Hungary and then back.

After that (4 days later), I will be on my way to Italy for a couple of days.

Then to Spain and I still don't know when.....

In less than a year I crossed Europe by train mostly I have no idea how many times....one days I should write all these adventures down. Everything happens so fast! Last sunday, even if the weather was very nice, I just got on my bike, visited a friend and had a long afternoon of tea, a bit of cake (a lot of it actually) and a lot of nice chat...I really needed to do something that would not have required too much moving.

I can't say that my life is boring...On the contrary, actually. But I do have a lot of responsibilities and sometimes (like yesterday for example), I feel overwhelmed.