Sunday, October 3, 2010

very bored

I just saw this movie of Woody Allen, another woman. I liked it. And the reason why I liked it is because it was about things I fear about. I fear of waking up one day to realize that I didn't live the life I wanted and I am full of regrets and it is too late.

I already have one regret in my life. Something I wish I would have done differently. Something I still can't forgive myself for. Something that still torments me. But at the same time, I also think that I am 35 and so far I have been living fully. And I am happy about that.

But there is a part of me that it is feeling like I am slowing down. Like I am not exactly doing the things I like and I enjoy doing. Part of me feels very, incredibly bored. The thing is, I think that my life have been very full and very exciting so far and it is difficult to keep up. I did many things which I consider wonderful and extra-ordinary at the same time, I have met very challenging and interesting people, I have traveled to many places and I have learned a lot of things. Lately, everything is slowing down. I pay too much attention to people telling me that I am getting old to get the job I want (thus I have to work more, harder, full time) and since last year I got into the status of mind of "I will do this once I will get this job done/position obtained/whatever along these lines".

I am too active and too energetic to live my life only about work. I need many more things. I have friends here, I can't complain about that, but I don't share any of my strong interests or passions with any of them. I miss scuba diving. I miss traveling to explore a place and get in touch with the culture of the place (I travel a lot, but I can't manage to travel the way I would like to). I seem to not find the time for any of the things I really like to do. Partly, it is also because I have to do these things always alone, and it is not the same. I am fine alone. I like to spend time alone, but I am also a social person and sometimes I would like to share the things I like to do with people I feel closed to.

I belong to a non-existing category. I am not a student, I have a full time job, and I am not a mom. I am not living with someone, nor I have someone to account for in planning my days/evenings/week ends. And I like my work and I like to dedicate time to it. Plus, even if once I am comfortable with people I am very sociable, in general I am shy, which plays against me in just jumping into something hoping to meet people with similar interests to mine.

Two years that I am here and I can't say I have met someone (and I am not talking about a man, I am talking about friends, people with common interests) with whom I clicked. I actually met someone with whom I got along very well at the beginning. A girl from Germany. Unfortunately, she left to go back to Germany a few months after we met.

I just feel that I have too much energy and I wish I could invest it in something more than just work.

...and I know that time is passing by and sometimes I feel very dark about all this....
I just want to have fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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