people passing by

France, afternoon

I was walking downtown to go food shopping and to buy a new pair of pants, since the old ones are too large now. And while I was walking observing all those people passing by and walking next to me, I wondered how many of them are now heart-broken. How many of them dream like I do that something will change for better.

When I love someone it is not that my life stops. I still have my things, my work, my hobbies, my friends....but when the person I love is part of my life and loves me back, then my life has more colors and it feels like sparkling. I miss the sparkles in my life now. I still live, I still do things, but it is not the same. I am not looking for someone to depends on, but I am looking for that special person who brings sparkles to my life and makes a difference in every day life.

Lot of people confuse deep love with dependence from someone. And those people keep telling me I have to grow up. I am not sure that this is right. I take care of myself since I left home for the first time in 2000 to go on the other side of the world to work in a place with no internet, no running water, no phone, nothing and without speaking the language at all. Those people who lecture me on the fact of how someone can be so important in my life, maybe they just do not know how it feels when you meet someone who really adds something to your life, beside being a good company. It is 8 year that I am taking care of myself and living alone, if we exclude two years in the middle in which I have practically lived with the olandesino. Dependence is not being able to do anything without consulting the other person. Dependence is when you stop to live if this person is not part of your life. This is not what it is going on with me now, even if I admit that I did not fully live in the last years because my heart was not healed. But I miss the sparkles. I miss the private looks that only two people who understand each others and know each other can share. The moments in which you don't need to say anything because the other person knows what you need. I miss those things.

And another thing. If I love someone, if I am deeply in love for someone, it just doesn't stop because I decide that it has to end. A friend of mine was telling me how I have here in France a couple of guys who are crazy about me and how I have no problem to find someone. The point for me is not having or not problems to find someone. The point is that I found someone already and I am in love for this person. So, there is no reason why I should find someone else, at least till I feel this way.