the drunk man and the Romanian

France, morning

If there is one thing I really love here, it is the possibility of getting fresh bread every morning on every day of the week. I really like that. I wish anyway to have a working oven, so that sometimes I could bake my own bread or a bit of corn bread.

Last night I went for a dinner to a friend place. We were about 10 people, most of them working together and me and the boyfriend of one of these girls doing something else. I really like this friend of mine. I think she is really cool. However, after about 1 hour and half I got bored and I didn't leave just because I thought that a) it would have been not polite b) the plan was to go dancing after dinner and I really needed some dancing to release too much energy. After three hours, I was extremely bored. They all drunk a lot of wine and the conversation turned into something not minimally interesting. And I started to wonder, how can we talk so much about absolutely nothing? and how can people talk so much and don't actually listen to what other people say? I more and more get the impression that a lot of people just look at life passing by, finding a way to get to the next day, without actually living that much.

As I said in one of my previous blog, I include myself among those people. The thing is, they seem happy living in this way. Which is fine for me. Anyone has to live his life the way he likes it. But I honestly would like something more than that for myself. At about past midnight, when I was ready to call it a night, they decided to go dancing. Ok, why not? we walked to this cool place and we started dancing. Fifteen minutes after we got in, my friend was terribly sick for having drunk too much and so we left the place pretty soon, which was fine for me, since I was anyway tired.

During this evening a few things happened and I realized that:

1) I was so bored during the dinner that I got to think that if people are fine just hanging in there, working, eating and sleeping (and drinking a lot of alcohol). I don't want that to be my life, even if right now it is.
2) the thing that everyone is interesting and unique in his own way is not something I agree on. Yes, I am generally interested in people and in knowing more about them and listening to what they do, they think, they are. But I also think that not too many people are so unique or interesting, because they often just hang in there without actually living.
3) If you don't drink alcohol and smoke you are considered a-social and boring. From this assumptions, there are other similar ones that follow. This means, that people look at me in this case with prejudices in their head already.
4) I am wasting a lot of time in my life that I could spend in a much better way.
5) I don't have that much fun.

I guess that when you are extremely down like I am lately and I have been even more in the past days, either you sink or you start to re-think about your life. And I am going for the second one so far, fortunately. I am an outdoor, amazingly energetic person and instead all what I do is eat, work, sleep, go for a tea with friends, sport. Which is fine, but I keep missing something and this makes me extremely nervous and agitated. The something I miss is not only to have someone special in my life, but also that I am not following my real nature that much. And I keep postponing and postponing things to when I will have this or that.

Which means, I just hang on and pass from one day to the other without actually living that much. If I was happy with that, then no problem, but I am not. Instead I am always agitated, feeling I have to move, I have to escape, dreaming all the time of what I could do if.........

A friend of mine the other day told me that I invest so much in my future happiness, that I actually don't care that much about being happy and enjoy the present. Which is absolutely true.

I am not sure in what all this thinking will be translated. I am really good in the theory, much worst in the practice. We will see.

Last thing. One the way back from this dancing place my friends and I met a drunk man. He came to us to ask for some money to pay his drug addiction. He had probably three teeth left in his mouth. He was probably around 40, if not younger. One of us thought that he was funny and he gave him 2 euros. Then this drunk man started to chat with us and asked to the guy who gave him the money where he was from. He said Romania. Then the drunk man gave him back the 2 euros saying that he got plenty of money during the day already (shaking his pocket while saying this and he probably really had quite some money in there judging from the noise of the coins) and that Romanian need those money more then he did. And he left. We stand in there speechless. Few minutes later, the drunk man came back to give to the Romanian guy other 2 euros. When we said that we didn't want to accept his money and that it was fine and good night, he got really angry, put the 2 euro coin in the pocket of my girl friend and started to say things like "fuck you" "au cul" and insulting us. I was actually a bit scared by his nonsense behavior and I happily went home and hide in bed.