some money

Lucca (Italy), night

This evening I sent an email to ask further info about two different jobs, one as a barman and one as a fitness consultant. They seem to be part time jobs and they hopefully would allow me to keep working on my projects to finish them and at the same time have the feeling that I am not useless, jobless and a failure. I am still convinced that I took the right decision leaving the lab at Yale, because the working environment was not healthy, but there are a lot of things that I miss of my life there. A lot of small things that made my day. Plus, the few people I shared my life with and my apartment, which I loved.
I never being good in waiting. Never. I never learn. Now I would accept my current situation (which actually I choose) if I would know that something good will come next, in terms of my personal life and my work. But I don't have this security. And this is freaking scary. It could keep going like this forever or getting even worse. How many happy biologists, who work as biologists in Universities or Museums or Institutions do I know? let me think....after the PhD stage...NONE! None of the people close to my age, none of the people not working in medical biology, none of the people who don't have a wife who just decided to give up her life to follow the one of their biologist partner. This thought is not extremely encouraging. If to this I add the fact that Europe offers even less than other places like USA and Australia, that in Europe the majority of the chances are in Germany, which is not the first place on my list for living, which kind of confidence should I have in my working future?
And this to not talk about my personal situation, which seems coming out directly from some movie where the main character has to suffer a lot and make herself miserable, otherwise the movie is not interesting enough.....
Great! Now it is better if I try to get some sleep. Fortunately I am reading a nice book from Bill Bryson about USA and his childhood there.