Italy, evening
Planning the field trip to Sardinia. We will sample cave salamanders. I just got the trip program from the speleologist guy who collaborate with us. The plan seems quite crazy and I feel that we will have to go back to Sardinia soon again to sample more and more localities...This project seems a lot like a never ending story....
Monday, February 25, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Sfatheriamo my father
Lucca (Italy), evening
Sfatheriamo is not an English word. It is not an Italian word either. It is a mixture generated by the combination of the English word "father" and the Italian negation "s", which is used in the sentence "sfatheriamo my father" to indicate my intention of not wanting to consider my father as my father anymore.
After long time of thinking, I realized that we cannot choose the members of our family. We were born with people that we may like or not as our fathers, mathers, sisters and brothers. We didn't choose them, we cannot change them and we cannot always be lucky. In my case, I was/am extremely lucky with the person that happened to be my mother, a bit less with the one who happened to be my sister (not that she doesn't love me, she just doesn't find me that interesting...), totally unlucky with the one who happened to be my father. I already wrote about him here and there in this blog. And more and more in the last months I developed the idea that not because I am his daughter I always have to be a good daughter also when he doesn't deserve it, run to see him whatever time he wants to or feel bad or guilty if after treating me like shit over and over, I finally tell him something which is not what he expects from me.
The last drop that made me decide to sfatherare my father, is the fact that since I arrived here in Lucca on December 22, 2007, I still didn't see him. Not a single time, not for a short moment. Nothing. He wanted me to go to visit him at his conditions and I instead asked him to meet somewhere, when he wants, but alone and not with his new family (thing this that his new wife does actually understand well, since she is a reasonable person), to talk about us, me, him. I probably asked him too much, since not only I still didn't meet him, but I also didn't hear from him since a month now. And he lives 10 minutes from the place where I currently live.
The fact that he is my biological father, doesn't make him feel he is my father or that he has some responsibility towards me....so, I guess it is a great idea that I finally stop to consider him my father at all.
Sfatheriamo is not an English word. It is not an Italian word either. It is a mixture generated by the combination of the English word "father" and the Italian negation "s", which is used in the sentence "sfatheriamo my father" to indicate my intention of not wanting to consider my father as my father anymore.
After long time of thinking, I realized that we cannot choose the members of our family. We were born with people that we may like or not as our fathers, mathers, sisters and brothers. We didn't choose them, we cannot change them and we cannot always be lucky. In my case, I was/am extremely lucky with the person that happened to be my mother, a bit less with the one who happened to be my sister (not that she doesn't love me, she just doesn't find me that interesting...), totally unlucky with the one who happened to be my father. I already wrote about him here and there in this blog. And more and more in the last months I developed the idea that not because I am his daughter I always have to be a good daughter also when he doesn't deserve it, run to see him whatever time he wants to or feel bad or guilty if after treating me like shit over and over, I finally tell him something which is not what he expects from me.
The last drop that made me decide to sfatherare my father, is the fact that since I arrived here in Lucca on December 22, 2007, I still didn't see him. Not a single time, not for a short moment. Nothing. He wanted me to go to visit him at his conditions and I instead asked him to meet somewhere, when he wants, but alone and not with his new family (thing this that his new wife does actually understand well, since she is a reasonable person), to talk about us, me, him. I probably asked him too much, since not only I still didn't meet him, but I also didn't hear from him since a month now. And he lives 10 minutes from the place where I currently live.
The fact that he is my biological father, doesn't make him feel he is my father or that he has some responsibility towards me....so, I guess it is a great idea that I finally stop to consider him my father at all.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
satanic mass
Lucca (Italy), evening
I went to a couple of caves today. Looking for the cave salamanders. I didn't find a single one, but I found scary signs of people using these caves for other things beside speleology or looking for animals. Tuscany is one of the main center of satanic groups in Italy and caves are obviously a good place where to have their rituals. I am not that easily scared, except of dogs and white sharks, but knowing this thing makes me feel uncomfortable every time I step into a cave. If I find some animal, then I am fine since my attention is drove to something else....but if like today I find a place with an altar and a lot of signs indicating the "passage" of people there, I became quite paranoid and I expect at every second to be scared by someone jumping out from some dark place in the cave. I also read an article recently about some of the rituals of these satanic masses. Nothing that I would like to experience or to know. In these cases I prefer to behave like a ostrich: put my head under the ground and don't see or know anything about it. The main problem is for me my imagination. If things like these are already scary, in my head I make them even worse and then I end up having nightmares about it.....
Ok, so, why do I keep visiting caves? first, because fortunately these kind of meetings should not happen during the day, when I go caving. Second, the caves where we found these signs have not been that many so far and third, I love to look for cave salamanders, which are incredibly cute animals..... and fortunately I never visit a cave alone.....
I went to a couple of caves today. Looking for the cave salamanders. I didn't find a single one, but I found scary signs of people using these caves for other things beside speleology or looking for animals. Tuscany is one of the main center of satanic groups in Italy and caves are obviously a good place where to have their rituals. I am not that easily scared, except of dogs and white sharks, but knowing this thing makes me feel uncomfortable every time I step into a cave. If I find some animal, then I am fine since my attention is drove to something else....but if like today I find a place with an altar and a lot of signs indicating the "passage" of people there, I became quite paranoid and I expect at every second to be scared by someone jumping out from some dark place in the cave. I also read an article recently about some of the rituals of these satanic masses. Nothing that I would like to experience or to know. In these cases I prefer to behave like a ostrich: put my head under the ground and don't see or know anything about it. The main problem is for me my imagination. If things like these are already scary, in my head I make them even worse and then I end up having nightmares about it.....
Ok, so, why do I keep visiting caves? first, because fortunately these kind of meetings should not happen during the day, when I go caving. Second, the caves where we found these signs have not been that many so far and third, I love to look for cave salamanders, which are incredibly cute animals..... and fortunately I never visit a cave alone.....
Thursday, February 21, 2008
gym
Italy, afternoon
Today someone told me that my blog is depressing. Well, I know that it is depressing. But it just reflects the way I feel and my thoughts. I can't help. It is like a therapy for myself. Like talking to a friend freely, without being afraid of being judged, nothing. It is helpful for me to write about what I have in my mind and how I feel, so I guess my blog will remain in this shape until my mood (or my life, or even better both) will improve.
This morning I had a job interview at the EGO wellness center, basically the best gym we have here around. It is the best in terms of people working there, courses, structure, things offered. I brought them my CV since I knew that they were looking for someone. And yesterday they called me to have an interview today. Basically the point is that I would have been the perfect person for the job if I only would have liked to have a long term contract. Of course when I told them that I am planning to leave again by the summer (depending on fundings available and things like this, but it would be my general plan), they said that it would be a problem, since they make contracts of at least one year. So, they asked me if I would be interested in teaching spinning, since I have the certificate, in case they will need someone for a substitution (how often can this happen?) or to substitute someone at the bar of the gym...This is of course something that may happen or not. The only thing that they offered me, which seems a bit more possible to happen, is that in April they will probably have two weeks of promotion for which they will need more people to help. They should decide something about it in the next 2-3 weeks and then they will let me know.
It would be better than nothing.
Beside, I miss the USA for a bit of things....
Today someone told me that my blog is depressing. Well, I know that it is depressing. But it just reflects the way I feel and my thoughts. I can't help. It is like a therapy for myself. Like talking to a friend freely, without being afraid of being judged, nothing. It is helpful for me to write about what I have in my mind and how I feel, so I guess my blog will remain in this shape until my mood (or my life, or even better both) will improve.
This morning I had a job interview at the EGO wellness center, basically the best gym we have here around. It is the best in terms of people working there, courses, structure, things offered. I brought them my CV since I knew that they were looking for someone. And yesterday they called me to have an interview today. Basically the point is that I would have been the perfect person for the job if I only would have liked to have a long term contract. Of course when I told them that I am planning to leave again by the summer (depending on fundings available and things like this, but it would be my general plan), they said that it would be a problem, since they make contracts of at least one year. So, they asked me if I would be interested in teaching spinning, since I have the certificate, in case they will need someone for a substitution (how often can this happen?) or to substitute someone at the bar of the gym...This is of course something that may happen or not. The only thing that they offered me, which seems a bit more possible to happen, is that in April they will probably have two weeks of promotion for which they will need more people to help. They should decide something about it in the next 2-3 weeks and then they will let me know.
It would be better than nothing.
Beside, I miss the USA for a bit of things....
Sunday, February 17, 2008
the obvious way to meet the right person for you in Italy
Lucca (Italy) evening
Yesterday I had a thought when I came back from the movie theater. The best place to find the right person for you in Italy is to have a car accident (a motorbike or a scooter accident seems to work too). The movie of yesterday: Muccino meets the person he will find out to be in love with thanks to a car accident (movie Parlami d'amore). The new movie with Raul Bova (which I haven't seen, but you see how they meet just from the preview): Raul Bova meets the girl he will fall in love for thanks to a car/scooter accident. Another movie, Il mio miglior nemico, Muccino again. Again the same scenario (but if I am not wrong, he has a vespa, which is much better than a scooter). And I am sure that the more I think about, the more examples I am going to find.
Now, I had a car/scooter accident. I was on the scooter, I was 18 years old. The men driving the car probably around 40. He didn't stop when he should have had to and he drove directly into my scooter. Not only he was not certainly looking like Muccino or Raul Bova, but he was also not nice (he didn't care about how I was doing, I was not able to move and he wanted me to move from there so that he could pass and leave me there), not caring (he never called me when I was at the hospital to know how I was doing) and for sure he was not the right person for me.
So, how many car/scooter accident should a person have to meet the right person? I got two ankles surgery from my car/scooter accident and in terms of interesting people met thanks to this, the total is zero. I hope that the only way to meet the right person is not only like that...I start to have an age in which these kind of accident can have bad consequences on my health....
Yesterday I had a thought when I came back from the movie theater. The best place to find the right person for you in Italy is to have a car accident (a motorbike or a scooter accident seems to work too). The movie of yesterday: Muccino meets the person he will find out to be in love with thanks to a car accident (movie Parlami d'amore). The new movie with Raul Bova (which I haven't seen, but you see how they meet just from the preview): Raul Bova meets the girl he will fall in love for thanks to a car/scooter accident. Another movie, Il mio miglior nemico, Muccino again. Again the same scenario (but if I am not wrong, he has a vespa, which is much better than a scooter). And I am sure that the more I think about, the more examples I am going to find.
Now, I had a car/scooter accident. I was on the scooter, I was 18 years old. The men driving the car probably around 40. He didn't stop when he should have had to and he drove directly into my scooter. Not only he was not certainly looking like Muccino or Raul Bova, but he was also not nice (he didn't care about how I was doing, I was not able to move and he wanted me to move from there so that he could pass and leave me there), not caring (he never called me when I was at the hospital to know how I was doing) and for sure he was not the right person for me.
So, how many car/scooter accident should a person have to meet the right person? I got two ankles surgery from my car/scooter accident and in terms of interesting people met thanks to this, the total is zero. I hope that the only way to meet the right person is not only like that...I start to have an age in which these kind of accident can have bad consequences on my health....
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Parlami d'amore
Lucca (Italy), night
Just a short blog before to go to bed to read my Bill Bryson' book.
I went to the movie theater with my mum. I wanted to see the new movie of Muccino. No, there was not Germano playing, so I didn't go for Germano, just for the movie. I expected to see a serious movie. But this was just too much. All the characters were basically screw up. None of them was without heavy problems: there was Sasha, born in a community to recover from drugs and living his life with the fear of being abandoned, in love for someone he saw last time when he was 8 years old. Then there was Nicole, a probably 40 years old woman in a grey marriage, who's previous boyfriend suicided, then there was Benedetta who beside being on drugs and alcohol, when was 10 was the "girlfriend" (as she calls herself) of a 40 years old man, who was a friend of her father and obviously a pedophile. It is probably supposed to be also a love story, but everything seems so rotten, so granted, that I cannot say I liked it. I left the movie theater with a bitter taste in my mouth. As I said, I expected a serious movie, but this was too much pretending. Beside this, I didn't even like the acting of the actress who plays Nicole.
Of course, the movie theater was full anyway since Muccino was playing in there and so, a lot of young girls saw it just for him.
Now I need a good book and a cup of tea.
Just a short blog before to go to bed to read my Bill Bryson' book.
I went to the movie theater with my mum. I wanted to see the new movie of Muccino. No, there was not Germano playing, so I didn't go for Germano, just for the movie. I expected to see a serious movie. But this was just too much. All the characters were basically screw up. None of them was without heavy problems: there was Sasha, born in a community to recover from drugs and living his life with the fear of being abandoned, in love for someone he saw last time when he was 8 years old. Then there was Nicole, a probably 40 years old woman in a grey marriage, who's previous boyfriend suicided, then there was Benedetta who beside being on drugs and alcohol, when was 10 was the "girlfriend" (as she calls herself) of a 40 years old man, who was a friend of her father and obviously a pedophile. It is probably supposed to be also a love story, but everything seems so rotten, so granted, that I cannot say I liked it. I left the movie theater with a bitter taste in my mouth. As I said, I expected a serious movie, but this was too much pretending. Beside this, I didn't even like the acting of the actress who plays Nicole.
Of course, the movie theater was full anyway since Muccino was playing in there and so, a lot of young girls saw it just for him.
Now I need a good book and a cup of tea.
my sister
Lucca (Italy), night
Tonight we had an Egyptian dinner. It was nice. A bit expensive but nice. We were about 10 people, my mum was there, my sister and her boyfriend were there, Vasco was there. The dinner was good, but my sister found the way to hurt me tonight too. Beside the fact that my mum and her embarrassed me pushing me to dance a belly dance in front of everybody (there was a girl dancing during the dinner). Beside this which is not that important and I am used to this kind of thing, what this evening hurt me was the need of my sister of always making negative comments about me. Tonight there were some friends of my sister's boyfriend, a couple. They never met me before. And during the entire dinner my sister, after a jock that Vasco made about me becoming a bitter as a spinster (jock that he made in a funny way, in a specific context and for which I laughed), felt the need of turning to me and tell me in a serious way that I will seriously became a spinster if I keep behaving and being like I am now. This was the first of a serious of unfriendly things that she said about me to the others. When Chiara, my sister's friend, asked her if I was going to dance with them tomorrow evening, my sister answered for me saying that I always go to sleep early (which is obviously not true and I don't see how she can know since she has no idea of what I do in my life and with my time) and so no, I was not going with them. She not only answered for me, but she didn't even more honestly said, I don't want her to come with us. Then it was the time to make me feel ridiculous and painting me in front of these new people (together with the help of her boyfriend) not only as a weirdo, which I admit based on normal standard I can be, but as the most boring, annoying person in the world, who has nothing to say except to show how much I know. If someone knows me, the way I am, knows how insecure I am, how much I hate to say anything if I am not 100% sure about it and this in every field. But not, according to my sister I am just an extremely arrogant, boring person who deserve to make fun of all evening. I don't think she realizes how bad she can make me feel and how much she can hurt me. I don't think that she is a bad person. I just guess that she doesn't think about what she says, I think she can be jealous of me for I don't know which specific reason and behaving like this makes her feel better than me and more secure. Probably she needs to gather the attention of everyone on her making me not that interesting. My family has a lot this way of jocking. Instead of making jokes about themselves, they always need to jock about someone else to feel better.
I got pretty good in closing myself off to the world, so I let them believe what they want about me, since it is pretty obvious that they have no interest in whatever I may say or think. So, I laughed and she was happy thinking that she was funny. I don't see any fun in hurting someone else. But if this makes her feeling better and happier, then ok, go ahead. But then don't complain if I don't tell you anything about my life and I just keep everything inside.
Tonight we had an Egyptian dinner. It was nice. A bit expensive but nice. We were about 10 people, my mum was there, my sister and her boyfriend were there, Vasco was there. The dinner was good, but my sister found the way to hurt me tonight too. Beside the fact that my mum and her embarrassed me pushing me to dance a belly dance in front of everybody (there was a girl dancing during the dinner). Beside this which is not that important and I am used to this kind of thing, what this evening hurt me was the need of my sister of always making negative comments about me. Tonight there were some friends of my sister's boyfriend, a couple. They never met me before. And during the entire dinner my sister, after a jock that Vasco made about me becoming a bitter as a spinster (jock that he made in a funny way, in a specific context and for which I laughed), felt the need of turning to me and tell me in a serious way that I will seriously became a spinster if I keep behaving and being like I am now. This was the first of a serious of unfriendly things that she said about me to the others. When Chiara, my sister's friend, asked her if I was going to dance with them tomorrow evening, my sister answered for me saying that I always go to sleep early (which is obviously not true and I don't see how she can know since she has no idea of what I do in my life and with my time) and so no, I was not going with them. She not only answered for me, but she didn't even more honestly said, I don't want her to come with us. Then it was the time to make me feel ridiculous and painting me in front of these new people (together with the help of her boyfriend) not only as a weirdo, which I admit based on normal standard I can be, but as the most boring, annoying person in the world, who has nothing to say except to show how much I know. If someone knows me, the way I am, knows how insecure I am, how much I hate to say anything if I am not 100% sure about it and this in every field. But not, according to my sister I am just an extremely arrogant, boring person who deserve to make fun of all evening. I don't think she realizes how bad she can make me feel and how much she can hurt me. I don't think that she is a bad person. I just guess that she doesn't think about what she says, I think she can be jealous of me for I don't know which specific reason and behaving like this makes her feel better than me and more secure. Probably she needs to gather the attention of everyone on her making me not that interesting. My family has a lot this way of jocking. Instead of making jokes about themselves, they always need to jock about someone else to feel better.
I got pretty good in closing myself off to the world, so I let them believe what they want about me, since it is pretty obvious that they have no interest in whatever I may say or think. So, I laughed and she was happy thinking that she was funny. I don't see any fun in hurting someone else. But if this makes her feeling better and happier, then ok, go ahead. But then don't complain if I don't tell you anything about my life and I just keep everything inside.
Friday, February 15, 2008
sex and the city
Lucca (Italy), afternoon
This morning I brought my cv to a fancy gym here in Lucca. Let's see if they will call me at least for a talk.
Today, based on my mood, is a perfect day for starting again to watch Sex and the City. I need it. So, I guess that for the third time I will start again with the series. Tonight then, some episodes of season 1. Before, I will have an Egyptian dinner with a lot of people. I am not really in a mood, but I will go there anyway....
This morning I brought my cv to a fancy gym here in Lucca. Let's see if they will call me at least for a talk.
Today, based on my mood, is a perfect day for starting again to watch Sex and the City. I need it. So, I guess that for the third time I will start again with the series. Tonight then, some episodes of season 1. Before, I will have an Egyptian dinner with a lot of people. I am not really in a mood, but I will go there anyway....
Thursday, February 14, 2008
back
Lucca (Italy), morning
Because of all the stress of the last days, my back hurts again....that is so annoying....
Because of all the stress of the last days, my back hurts again....that is so annoying....
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Hug
Lucca (Italy), evening
In all this, my dream after a long stressful difficult day, would be to get back home and hide in the arms of my love to chill out.
Of course, not having a boyfriend, a lover or anything similar in general and especially not any living with me, makes this just representing another source of frustration.
In all this, my dream after a long stressful difficult day, would be to get back home and hide in the arms of my love to chill out.
Of course, not having a boyfriend, a lover or anything similar in general and especially not any living with me, makes this just representing another source of frustration.
why things don't work in Italy
Lucca (Italy), evening
It seems with strong probability that I have to go to Rome to personally bring to two different offices (on the opposite side of the town) my grant application. Sometimes I really ask myself if all this it is worthed. I have to go there, because they want everything in two or four copies, and these copies have to get to the right desk, where they will put a stamp on it, by monday. This grant application was the most random application I ever done in my life. Nothing is necessary, just two form with some dates, nothing more. But, and this is typical of here I think, the more you put in your application, the better it is. Not that I think anyone will read anything. No way. But here in Italy, people love forms and papers and signatures and stamps. I guess they make them feel important.
Once someone told me that the level of poverty of a country is proportional to the number of paper-work and stamps you have to do or to get to have something done. Based on this, we have the demonstration than Italy is really poor and who wonders why Italy is going bad (beside someone like Berlusconi and Prodi), can find an answer in all the incredible amount of paper-work that you have to do to get things done. People just get tired along the way, since everything is so difficult, and start to find their own ways to escape any rule and get things done anyway.
I am here since a little bit more than a month and I am already annoyed by this system.
This morning I went to inquire about the job at the cafe. They asked me a CV. Do they want a CV to be a waitress???? 10 years ago and more I was a waitress, I did my job and none asked me anything. If in all the time spent to fill forms or giving CV we would actually do something useful, then probably Italy would start to work.
So far 3 job application:
- the first at the ice-cream shop next to my mum' place: "you are too old. We are looking for someone maximum 24"
- second place: "ah, if you are a biologist and you have a degree and a PhD you cannot do this job. You need to be interested in sport". All this over the phone, without knowing me, asking me anything, just as an answer to my questions about the job. I answered that I even have a diploma to teach spinning, if this would make any difference and that among all the different jobs I did I also worked in a gym. After this the girl didn't even apologize and she just told me "ok, if you want to stop by to talk a bit. But it is a telemarketing job, so it is all about getting more registration to the gym". Ok, nevermind.
- third place, the cafe. I need a CV. This evening anyway I called back and someone else was there and they got my phone number and they say they will call me back for an interview.
I didn't think it was THAT difficult to find a simple job to get some money...........................
Tomorrow morning anyway I have to run to Florence, get some letter that I need for the grant and then run back here.....
It seems with strong probability that I have to go to Rome to personally bring to two different offices (on the opposite side of the town) my grant application. Sometimes I really ask myself if all this it is worthed. I have to go there, because they want everything in two or four copies, and these copies have to get to the right desk, where they will put a stamp on it, by monday. This grant application was the most random application I ever done in my life. Nothing is necessary, just two form with some dates, nothing more. But, and this is typical of here I think, the more you put in your application, the better it is. Not that I think anyone will read anything. No way. But here in Italy, people love forms and papers and signatures and stamps. I guess they make them feel important.
Once someone told me that the level of poverty of a country is proportional to the number of paper-work and stamps you have to do or to get to have something done. Based on this, we have the demonstration than Italy is really poor and who wonders why Italy is going bad (beside someone like Berlusconi and Prodi), can find an answer in all the incredible amount of paper-work that you have to do to get things done. People just get tired along the way, since everything is so difficult, and start to find their own ways to escape any rule and get things done anyway.
I am here since a little bit more than a month and I am already annoyed by this system.
This morning I went to inquire about the job at the cafe. They asked me a CV. Do they want a CV to be a waitress???? 10 years ago and more I was a waitress, I did my job and none asked me anything. If in all the time spent to fill forms or giving CV we would actually do something useful, then probably Italy would start to work.
So far 3 job application:
- the first at the ice-cream shop next to my mum' place: "you are too old. We are looking for someone maximum 24"
- second place: "ah, if you are a biologist and you have a degree and a PhD you cannot do this job. You need to be interested in sport". All this over the phone, without knowing me, asking me anything, just as an answer to my questions about the job. I answered that I even have a diploma to teach spinning, if this would make any difference and that among all the different jobs I did I also worked in a gym. After this the girl didn't even apologize and she just told me "ok, if you want to stop by to talk a bit. But it is a telemarketing job, so it is all about getting more registration to the gym". Ok, nevermind.
- third place, the cafe. I need a CV. This evening anyway I called back and someone else was there and they got my phone number and they say they will call me back for an interview.
I didn't think it was THAT difficult to find a simple job to get some money...........................
Tomorrow morning anyway I have to run to Florence, get some letter that I need for the grant and then run back here.....
running running
Italy, morning
Today I have no time to be depressed, to think or anything like this. I have a grant deadline (about which I found out 5 days ago) next monday, which mean by next monday my application needs to be on the desks of the people in charge in two different offices in Rome. I need to send everything by Thursday or going to Rome on friday. So, today and tomorrow running, running. Tomorrow and Thursday I have also to go to Florence to get some of the papers I need to apply to this grant....On one side it is better, at least I have less time to struggle.
Today I have no time to be depressed, to think or anything like this. I have a grant deadline (about which I found out 5 days ago) next monday, which mean by next monday my application needs to be on the desks of the people in charge in two different offices in Rome. I need to send everything by Thursday or going to Rome on friday. So, today and tomorrow running, running. Tomorrow and Thursday I have also to go to Florence to get some of the papers I need to apply to this grant....On one side it is better, at least I have less time to struggle.
Monday, February 11, 2008
English
Lucca (Italy), night
I cannot re-read my old blogs...As soon as I read a few lines, I find a lot of English mistakes....My English is getting worse and I am not sure how to keep it good......Movies in English and reading in English don't seem to help. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM..........that sucks!
Ok, now I am going to bed.
I cannot re-read my old blogs...As soon as I read a few lines, I find a lot of English mistakes....My English is getting worse and I am not sure how to keep it good......Movies in English and reading in English don't seem to help. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM..........that sucks!
Ok, now I am going to bed.
eating and eating
Lucca (Italy), afternoon
This morning I finally got to know something more about the two jobs for which I inquired. One is in a cool bar downtown. It sounds good for me, even if it will probably be a lot of work since it is every night until 1 am in the morning. But at least I would make some money, I would have time to work on my old projects during the day and possibly also meet some new people. I honestly hope they will give it to me. It would make me feel useful in some way, but I am afraid that they wouldn't like to hire me only for some months, knowing that as soon as I get a grant or a position to go to France or back to USA, or to some other good lab, I would leave. Ok, I may not tell them this, but I am not really good in hiding things, you could read everything on my face.
More than this, since last week now I feel even more sad and nervous and the result is that I spend a lot of time walking around the house, especially in the direction of the fridge. I am trying to just walk there, open the fridge and then strongly resist and close it again. Sometimes I am not that good and I end up making a coffee....by doing this, I am drinking more coffee than I normally do, with the following chain of becoming even more nervous, since I am sensitive to the caffeine. Sometimes, I instead make a green tea, which is probably healthier.
Anyway, so far it doesn't seem that coming here improved my health and mental conditions very much....
This morning I finally got to know something more about the two jobs for which I inquired. One is in a cool bar downtown. It sounds good for me, even if it will probably be a lot of work since it is every night until 1 am in the morning. But at least I would make some money, I would have time to work on my old projects during the day and possibly also meet some new people. I honestly hope they will give it to me. It would make me feel useful in some way, but I am afraid that they wouldn't like to hire me only for some months, knowing that as soon as I get a grant or a position to go to France or back to USA, or to some other good lab, I would leave. Ok, I may not tell them this, but I am not really good in hiding things, you could read everything on my face.
More than this, since last week now I feel even more sad and nervous and the result is that I spend a lot of time walking around the house, especially in the direction of the fridge. I am trying to just walk there, open the fridge and then strongly resist and close it again. Sometimes I am not that good and I end up making a coffee....by doing this, I am drinking more coffee than I normally do, with the following chain of becoming even more nervous, since I am sensitive to the caffeine. Sometimes, I instead make a green tea, which is probably healthier.
Anyway, so far it doesn't seem that coming here improved my health and mental conditions very much....
decision
Lucca (Italy), morning
Yesterday I had a relaxing day. Or at least I tried to get some relax and it actually worked. With my mum, I went to the Tombolo Talasso, a spa near Castagneto Carducci basically on the beach, for a spa day. We spent there about 3-4 hours, just moving from one swimming pool to another, all with marine water at different temperatures. Then sauna, Turkish bath and hammam. I may not be crazy for buying shoes, or bags, but I am for sure crazy about whatever thing involves spending relaxing time in a spa, getting a massage or buying Body Shop products.
Anyway, my mood was still down when I got out of there, but at least in those 3-4 hours I just stopped to think all the time about my life and how trapped I feel in the current situations.
I realized in order what I miss now in my life: first, some peace. It is too long that I struggle for the same things over and over. I would like to have my mind clear again. Second, a social life. Friends to do something with, even if it is just going out to drink and talk. It seems that my friends from here don't have so many interests. Third, an income. I get really stressed if I have the feeling that the money in my bank account are getting less and less. I may be working at home on old projects, to finish them. And this is also, mainly in my interest, but it wouldn't be bad to have an income, even small. Fourth, some stability. Emotional in primis, but also in terms of life.
So, I should try to focus on things that I can fix and maybe the other will come after that. Today I will go job hunting. The problem is that in Lucca it is not easy to find part-time temporary job. The job market is not so active as in the USA for example. But I will try. And if I don't find anything by the time I have to leave for the field work (in two weeks), then when I will be back, I will probably move to somewhere else.
Yesterday I had a relaxing day. Or at least I tried to get some relax and it actually worked. With my mum, I went to the Tombolo Talasso, a spa near Castagneto Carducci basically on the beach, for a spa day. We spent there about 3-4 hours, just moving from one swimming pool to another, all with marine water at different temperatures. Then sauna, Turkish bath and hammam. I may not be crazy for buying shoes, or bags, but I am for sure crazy about whatever thing involves spending relaxing time in a spa, getting a massage or buying Body Shop products.
Anyway, my mood was still down when I got out of there, but at least in those 3-4 hours I just stopped to think all the time about my life and how trapped I feel in the current situations.
I realized in order what I miss now in my life: first, some peace. It is too long that I struggle for the same things over and over. I would like to have my mind clear again. Second, a social life. Friends to do something with, even if it is just going out to drink and talk. It seems that my friends from here don't have so many interests. Third, an income. I get really stressed if I have the feeling that the money in my bank account are getting less and less. I may be working at home on old projects, to finish them. And this is also, mainly in my interest, but it wouldn't be bad to have an income, even small. Fourth, some stability. Emotional in primis, but also in terms of life.
So, I should try to focus on things that I can fix and maybe the other will come after that. Today I will go job hunting. The problem is that in Lucca it is not easy to find part-time temporary job. The job market is not so active as in the USA for example. But I will try. And if I don't find anything by the time I have to leave for the field work (in two weeks), then when I will be back, I will probably move to somewhere else.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
some money
Lucca (Italy), night
This evening I sent an email to ask further info about two different jobs, one as a barman and one as a fitness consultant. They seem to be part time jobs and they hopefully would allow me to keep working on my projects to finish them and at the same time have the feeling that I am not useless, jobless and a failure. I am still convinced that I took the right decision leaving the lab at Yale, because the working environment was not healthy, but there are a lot of things that I miss of my life there. A lot of small things that made my day. Plus, the few people I shared my life with and my apartment, which I loved.
I never being good in waiting. Never. I never learn. Now I would accept my current situation (which actually I choose) if I would know that something good will come next, in terms of my personal life and my work. But I don't have this security. And this is freaking scary. It could keep going like this forever or getting even worse. How many happy biologists, who work as biologists in Universities or Museums or Institutions do I know? let me think....after the PhD stage...NONE! None of the people close to my age, none of the people not working in medical biology, none of the people who don't have a wife who just decided to give up her life to follow the one of their biologist partner. This thought is not extremely encouraging. If to this I add the fact that Europe offers even less than other places like USA and Australia, that in Europe the majority of the chances are in Germany, which is not the first place on my list for living, which kind of confidence should I have in my working future?
And this to not talk about my personal situation, which seems coming out directly from some movie where the main character has to suffer a lot and make herself miserable, otherwise the movie is not interesting enough.....
Great! Now it is better if I try to get some sleep. Fortunately I am reading a nice book from Bill Bryson about USA and his childhood there.
This evening I sent an email to ask further info about two different jobs, one as a barman and one as a fitness consultant. They seem to be part time jobs and they hopefully would allow me to keep working on my projects to finish them and at the same time have the feeling that I am not useless, jobless and a failure. I am still convinced that I took the right decision leaving the lab at Yale, because the working environment was not healthy, but there are a lot of things that I miss of my life there. A lot of small things that made my day. Plus, the few people I shared my life with and my apartment, which I loved.
I never being good in waiting. Never. I never learn. Now I would accept my current situation (which actually I choose) if I would know that something good will come next, in terms of my personal life and my work. But I don't have this security. And this is freaking scary. It could keep going like this forever or getting even worse. How many happy biologists, who work as biologists in Universities or Museums or Institutions do I know? let me think....after the PhD stage...NONE! None of the people close to my age, none of the people not working in medical biology, none of the people who don't have a wife who just decided to give up her life to follow the one of their biologist partner. This thought is not extremely encouraging. If to this I add the fact that Europe offers even less than other places like USA and Australia, that in Europe the majority of the chances are in Germany, which is not the first place on my list for living, which kind of confidence should I have in my working future?
And this to not talk about my personal situation, which seems coming out directly from some movie where the main character has to suffer a lot and make herself miserable, otherwise the movie is not interesting enough.....
Great! Now it is better if I try to get some sleep. Fortunately I am reading a nice book from Bill Bryson about USA and his childhood there.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
today
Lucca (Italy), morning
Today I am really sad. Yesterday I felt hopeless, like I am moving moving, but nothing changes and I always find the way lately to take the wrong decisions. Or maybe the right decisions that at the moment seem all wrong. And of course, my first way to deal with sadness is to be inside, crying all day and night. So, this morning my face and eyes look swollen and red like if I have been drinking and partying all night long, which is not the case at all. My mind instead feels empty. I guess I have to force myself to go out, because I don't see anything good coming out of this. Maybe I can go with my mum to Florence to see some dress for my sister's wedding. My mum would like to see how much dresses cost in this place:
www.blunauta.it
Today I am really sad. Yesterday I felt hopeless, like I am moving moving, but nothing changes and I always find the way lately to take the wrong decisions. Or maybe the right decisions that at the moment seem all wrong. And of course, my first way to deal with sadness is to be inside, crying all day and night. So, this morning my face and eyes look swollen and red like if I have been drinking and partying all night long, which is not the case at all. My mind instead feels empty. I guess I have to force myself to go out, because I don't see anything good coming out of this. Maybe I can go with my mum to Florence to see some dress for my sister's wedding. My mum would like to see how much dresses cost in this place:
www.blunauta.it
Friday, February 8, 2008
REVOLUTION part 2
Lucca (Italy), night
I feel that the revolution is inside me. I saw the movie "Into the wild again". I feel I have to leave, I feel I have to get lost in some way. Not physically lost of course, but lost inside, with no direction, without mental obligations, things I feel I have to do, to say, to wear, to think. Lost or free actually, even better. I am too affected by other's people moods here. And I am closing myself off more and more. Which is not good.
I can make a trip. But where? My dream is Patagonia, Chile, Argentina. But I am also feeling so weak, so tired, so insecure, so scared, that I am afraid of having a "colpo di testa", doing something in a rush and then not actually improving the way I feel, but just making myself even more stressed. I don't want to cut my relationship with the people who I consider important in my life, but I need to be able to put some distance between me and them, so that they cannot affect me so much like now.
Where? where can I go and feel safe and take some time for me and just for me?
There are too many beautiful things in the worlds to see and we always spend too much time worrying about minimal, unimportant things that we make necessary to our happiness.
I feel that the revolution is inside me. I saw the movie "Into the wild again". I feel I have to leave, I feel I have to get lost in some way. Not physically lost of course, but lost inside, with no direction, without mental obligations, things I feel I have to do, to say, to wear, to think. Lost or free actually, even better. I am too affected by other's people moods here. And I am closing myself off more and more. Which is not good.
I can make a trip. But where? My dream is Patagonia, Chile, Argentina. But I am also feeling so weak, so tired, so insecure, so scared, that I am afraid of having a "colpo di testa", doing something in a rush and then not actually improving the way I feel, but just making myself even more stressed. I don't want to cut my relationship with the people who I consider important in my life, but I need to be able to put some distance between me and them, so that they cannot affect me so much like now.
Where? where can I go and feel safe and take some time for me and just for me?
There are too many beautiful things in the worlds to see and we always spend too much time worrying about minimal, unimportant things that we make necessary to our happiness.
Thursday, February 7, 2008
REVOLUTION part 1
Lucca (Italy), night
I went downtown for a walk this evening. I was walking fast, not caring about anything around me, with the music in my ears and thinking.
There is an instinct of revolution inside me now. Maybe because of all the past stress, maybe for the lack of life of the last years, maybe for the desire of changing things that I don't like of the world, maybe because I am getting older and I not necessarily like it. The fact is that I was walking with fire in my legs, full of energy like I was going to fight and I started to make weird thoughts.
I started with the desire of stopping to walk and start to dance, there in the middle of the street, in the middle of the provincial people who live in Lucca and always look in a bad way to whatever thing or person is slightly different. And then after that I started to think, why can we not fight our wars just in a pacific way, just dancing for example or singing? just releasing our energies the way we feel like, without harming anyone. I strongly felt like dancing, but I am too shy to actually do something like dancing in the middle of the street with everyone looking at me. But I would do it if I would know that someone would follow me, I would do it as a protest against being all the same and doing the same things over and over as someone told us to do. I would do it to complain about things I don't like. Just dancing, or singing, or jumping, all together. Wouldn't be wonderful? wouldn't be exciting? If we actually could fight our wars in this way? if I could start and then like a wave this rhythm would spread and other revolutionary people would join me for a big pacific revolution? We could dance wearing t-shirt with our protest. In a totally pacific way, but so strong and so energetic that it would be difficult to stop or ignore it.
I know, it is a crazy idea........................
But after that, immediately after, I started to think about the meeting I had yesterday at the Museum in Florence. Science and with science in this sentence I don't mean medical science, but just basic science, is in Italy just like an hobby. It is not something that you could do as a job, but you can keep it as a passion. So, why should I in these months that I am here dance my anger out of me and get some money to cultivate my passion? It wouldn't be the first time. I have been working in a discotheque during my first and only year of PhD in Pisa. And I would certainly get more money dancing (of course with all my clothing on) than as a scientist, no matter how good I could be in either of the two fields.
And from here I start with my second blog about revolution.
I went downtown for a walk this evening. I was walking fast, not caring about anything around me, with the music in my ears and thinking.
There is an instinct of revolution inside me now. Maybe because of all the past stress, maybe for the lack of life of the last years, maybe for the desire of changing things that I don't like of the world, maybe because I am getting older and I not necessarily like it. The fact is that I was walking with fire in my legs, full of energy like I was going to fight and I started to make weird thoughts.
I started with the desire of stopping to walk and start to dance, there in the middle of the street, in the middle of the provincial people who live in Lucca and always look in a bad way to whatever thing or person is slightly different. And then after that I started to think, why can we not fight our wars just in a pacific way, just dancing for example or singing? just releasing our energies the way we feel like, without harming anyone. I strongly felt like dancing, but I am too shy to actually do something like dancing in the middle of the street with everyone looking at me. But I would do it if I would know that someone would follow me, I would do it as a protest against being all the same and doing the same things over and over as someone told us to do. I would do it to complain about things I don't like. Just dancing, or singing, or jumping, all together. Wouldn't be wonderful? wouldn't be exciting? If we actually could fight our wars in this way? if I could start and then like a wave this rhythm would spread and other revolutionary people would join me for a big pacific revolution? We could dance wearing t-shirt with our protest. In a totally pacific way, but so strong and so energetic that it would be difficult to stop or ignore it.
I know, it is a crazy idea........................
But after that, immediately after, I started to think about the meeting I had yesterday at the Museum in Florence. Science and with science in this sentence I don't mean medical science, but just basic science, is in Italy just like an hobby. It is not something that you could do as a job, but you can keep it as a passion. So, why should I in these months that I am here dance my anger out of me and get some money to cultivate my passion? It wouldn't be the first time. I have been working in a discotheque during my first and only year of PhD in Pisa. And I would certainly get more money dancing (of course with all my clothing on) than as a scientist, no matter how good I could be in either of the two fields.
And from here I start with my second blog about revolution.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
dream
Lucca (Italy), afternoon
I had a dream last night. I was taking a shower and then cleaning my ears and then from my ears something dark brown and liquid started to drop out. I have to admit that this dream was more a nightmare than a dream. In the nightmare I was trying to clean my ears from the disgusting liquid and to understand what exactly the liquid was. I don't know how the dream/nightmare ended, since I woke up disgusted.
I had a dream last night. I was taking a shower and then cleaning my ears and then from my ears something dark brown and liquid started to drop out. I have to admit that this dream was more a nightmare than a dream. In the nightmare I was trying to clean my ears from the disgusting liquid and to understand what exactly the liquid was. I don't know how the dream/nightmare ended, since I woke up disgusted.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Into the wild again
Lucca (Italy), evening
Into the wild finally arrived in Italy also. Of course, since it is not a commercial movie, it is not shown in every city and in the cities where it is shown (like Lucca), it is banished to small movie theaters with bad audios ect.
I will go to watch it again. I am actually looking forward to that. Since I saw that movie, I often feel like the main character. I feel like not fitting well in the system, I feel like a black sheep and here in Lucca all this is even amplified. I don't dress like them, I don't think like most of them, I am not interested in the "normal" things for my age and the place where I was born, I don't do things that the majority of people do. Thus, I deserve to be treated like a weirdo. My sister as a joke keeps saying that I don't dress like a woman, that I should change the things I like otherwise I cannot have too much chance to find a boyfriend (again this is not one of my worries at all). She doesn't even try to understand my world, since it is apparently so different from what everyone likes.
I feel so much like disappearing. The thing is that if I would disappear, the majority of the people here will just think that I am depressed or that it is another demonstration of how weird I am, of how crazy I am (as my father always liked to define me).
Where do I fit? how do I find people here to share some interests with? where are the ones like me? Because in my traveling around the world, I know there are people like me. Where are they here? why does everyone I know here like to make me feel so inadequate? is it to make them feel better?
Into the wild finally arrived in Italy also. Of course, since it is not a commercial movie, it is not shown in every city and in the cities where it is shown (like Lucca), it is banished to small movie theaters with bad audios ect.
I will go to watch it again. I am actually looking forward to that. Since I saw that movie, I often feel like the main character. I feel like not fitting well in the system, I feel like a black sheep and here in Lucca all this is even amplified. I don't dress like them, I don't think like most of them, I am not interested in the "normal" things for my age and the place where I was born, I don't do things that the majority of people do. Thus, I deserve to be treated like a weirdo. My sister as a joke keeps saying that I don't dress like a woman, that I should change the things I like otherwise I cannot have too much chance to find a boyfriend (again this is not one of my worries at all). She doesn't even try to understand my world, since it is apparently so different from what everyone likes.
I feel so much like disappearing. The thing is that if I would disappear, the majority of the people here will just think that I am depressed or that it is another demonstration of how weird I am, of how crazy I am (as my father always liked to define me).
Where do I fit? how do I find people here to share some interests with? where are the ones like me? Because in my traveling around the world, I know there are people like me. Where are they here? why does everyone I know here like to make me feel so inadequate? is it to make them feel better?
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Dependence
Lucca (Italy), evening
Just quickly. I read an article on a magazine. It was about love and dependence from your partner. And I was thinking that often depending on each other in a relationship is considered to be a bad thing, how a lot of people suggest to be independent ect, ect. I don't know, I think I can be independent in a lot of fields, my work maybe, my interests, my space. But why is it negative to be dependent on the person you love? I actually like it. I like this thing of being you and me, just us, addicted to each other. It is true, if you depend on the wrong person, then you can get hurt. But I think that the risk may be worth it. No?
Just quickly. I read an article on a magazine. It was about love and dependence from your partner. And I was thinking that often depending on each other in a relationship is considered to be a bad thing, how a lot of people suggest to be independent ect, ect. I don't know, I think I can be independent in a lot of fields, my work maybe, my interests, my space. But why is it negative to be dependent on the person you love? I actually like it. I like this thing of being you and me, just us, addicted to each other. It is true, if you depend on the wrong person, then you can get hurt. But I think that the risk may be worth it. No?
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