The world is at the feet of self-confident people

I was supposed to go to a birthday party tonight. Instead the party has been cancelled because one of the friends of the guy organizing the party decided to have a dinner with most of their common friends at his place. I thought that it was very rude, but this is just my opinion.

This story made me thinking about something.

I know a lot of people and I am very close to a few of them. Many of the people I am very close to are not that self-confident, even if they would have all the reasons to be. It had always be part of my role in life (and I don't why) to open the eyes of these people to let them see how great they are and how many good, fantastic qualities they have. Me, finally, after many years of struggling, I got most of my self-confidence back. Not all, of course I still have many insecurities here and there, but for sure right now I care very very little about what others think of me. For sure it helps that I am alone, without a boyfriend....I always lose self-confidence and self-respect when I am with someone, unfortunately...I guess that it is because I always put the other person and the other person desires in front of me.

Anyway. The point is that when someone is self-confident he/she can convince almost anyone else of how great he/she is and attractive, and interesting, and the rest of the whole "I am cool" package. On the contrary, when someone lacks self-confidence, it doesn't matter how great he/she is, he/she will be the first to put him/herself at a second place and either follow what other people think or do or isolate him/herself. It is very sad. Because all these people that I know who lack self-confidence are actually very cool people, they are probably just different, they just probably don't fit in and they didn't find their dimension yet, but they are wonderful, amazing people, who cannot see how valuable they are because they lack of self-esteem. My ex-boyfriend was and in part still is like that. And this always made me very angry. The world is so judgmental, we are so judgmental (and of course I include myself in this statement) that if someone doesn't conform to what it is generally considered "cool" or if someone is just slightly different, then he/she doesn't deserve attention and the investment of time to be discovered as a maybe wonderful person.

When growing up I had many problems because I felt different, I have always been interested on different things than the majority of people of my age, and in general I rarely felt that I fitted in. Fortunately, instead of becoming a very self-insecure person, I don't know why, but probably thanks to my mom who always encouraged me to just be me and follow what I like and want to do, I grew up liking myself very very much. Again, I have my insecurities, but overall I like the person I am and the way I look. I am proud of myself. But I do know how difficult is to interact with people when you are even just slightly different. You can feel immediately wrong or not interesting enough. I had times in the past years in which I thought I lost my self-confidence forever and it was very hard, because I felt incredibly insignificant, invisible, and unimportant. And it was horrible.

It is amazing how much importance we give to the people around us and how strongly we let them influence our lives, who we are, and the opinion we have about ourselves.
We should all get a course while growing up on how to be just ourselves and on how not to be afraid of not fitting in and being alone, because after all it is better to be alone and be ourselves, than being surrounded by people who actually don't know the real you or are not interested in knowing it.

I feel lucky

I feel extremely lucky. I know very wonderful people. Interesting and wonderful people. I just had two very close friends visiting me and I had a great time with both of them (too bad that when I am having a good time, it runs away so fast...). One of them lives in Portugal and I always stayed at his place when I went there to arrange things for my new job. His house is always open for me, as well as his heart when I need someone to talk too. I have met some really wonderful person in my life so far and I feel very, very lucky for that. Good, interesting, loving people. I am always positively surprise by the good heart of people, because it is a very rare and a very precious quality and I highly value people who are not just absorbed by themselves.

My plan is to take a road trip with my mom and drive with most of my stuff to Portugal at the end of the summer. I will leave my things in a garage of a friend. And this friend is another amazing person. I cannot believe that at first I had an horrible, horrible impression of him. I thought that he was very arrogant and I immediately did not like him at all. And it didn't matter if other mutual friends kept telling me that he is actually a nice person. I needed to see this with my own eyes. And I did. Fortunately, because otherwise I would have missed out a very altruistic, nice guy. I keep being impressed by how helpful, friendly, altruistic he is.

I have to say that I don't know why, but the best people, the most helpful and less selfish people I know are all men.....and they are not just very nice with me because they have some second goal, like sleeping with me, they are just naturally very good people. I feel so lucky in having met them! Truly good, helpful, altruistic people are so rare that they represent a treasure to me.....

Pizza, mandolino e mafia

This is the definition that a friend of mine gives of what represents Italy in the eyes of a foreigner. I think that he doesn't go too far from the truth.....

Last night I was out with a good friend of mine from Spain and we met some people I know here and some others. Before going on, I have to say that my patience in general can be quite limited, that I badly stand people who do not use their head to think and talk by using pre-made sentences, and that in general I am a very demanding person (read "pain in the butt"). This often ends up with me being very bored very quickly after meeting someone new. I love to listen to what people have to say and I love meeting new people. But if these do no result interesting according to my standards, my attention starts to drift away pretty soon and I get bored. Anyway, last night overall was not bad, especially because my friend from Spain is a very good company and for sure he is someone with whom I don't get bored. But then I met a girl from the USA and we were talking a bit and I was telling them as the best pizza I have ever eaten was in New Haven, in the USA. Soon enough from pizza we ended up to talk about the pizza from Naples and then the boyfriend of this girl made a very stupid comment about Naples and Italian mafia. Gosh, I can't express enough how much I HATE with all myself, very deep down, when people feel the need of making stupid comments about Italian mafia, especially when totally out of place.

I am very proud of being Italian. Despite the things that I don't like of my own country. Despite Berlusconi. Despite the very much needed improvement that the country should invest in doing. Despite many things. I am proud of being Italian and from Tuscany because I love the natural beauties of my country. The sea, the mountains, the forests. I love the architecture and the monuments of many cities. I love the diversity that we have from region to region and sometimes even from city to city in terms of food and traditions. I love the sense of family that we generally have so strong. I love the colors of our flag. I love the we were the home of the Roman Empire. I love the many old historical cities. I love that Italy gave birth to Leonardo, and Michelangelo, and Fermi, and Marconi, and Dante, and Manzoni, and Pirandello, and Calvino, and Puccini, and Verdi, and Armani, and Piano among many others. I mean....how can you just think about mafia when you think about Italy???

It makes me very sad and angry when someone tries to be funny making a joke about mafia as if it was all what Italy is known for abroad!

Missing

I miss my regular escape to the USA at least a couple of times a year.....being far from a place for quite sometime makes me appreciate the things of that place that I can't have here.
For sure when I will be moving away from Montpellier, I will be missing biking to the beach and the wonderful Mediterranean sea, of which I am a big fan.

I still have among my life-dreams the one of traveling across the Mediterranean on a sailing boat. Not that I am absolutely able to sail. But it would be a nice thing to do with someone or with a well-selected group of friends.

At the same time, while I keep dreaming, I started planning my trip to Portugal to move things to what it will be my new home pretty soon. And I got a Lonely Planet about Chile. It is not like being there, but it is a beginning after so long dreaming about traveling there. Most of my dreams are all about new sports to try and especially new trips and adventures to take.......

Two more days

Two more days and my year of waiting will come to an end. The last Harry Potter movie is coming out this Wednesday and I am really looking forward to that!
I am planning to go to watch the movie alone, as I don't have any friend who is so crazy as me about Harry Potter and I deeply want to enjoy it. I am also hoping to find a shop where I can rent some Harry Potter's stuff to wear it on Wednesday. I may even go to work in a Harry Potter look if I find something.

I know that this passion of mine sounds very childish, but I absolutely don't care at all and I am extremely excited and I am strongly looking forward to this new movie (unfortunately maybe the last one, if no more books will come out.... :-( ).


PS. I really enjoyed the last Harry Potter's movie. I will go to watch it again very soon, I think. The movie also broke the box office record in the USA.

PPS. It is very weird...here in Montpellier, it was not a big thing at all this Harry Potter last movie. I went to the movie theater very early to make sure to get tickets and there was NOBODY! I was very surprised. Nobody was dressed or anything. I felt a bit of a nut-case here....but I then saw that around the world the movie has been received as I would have expected.

Los Angeles: here I come!

I had a very weird dream last night. Not a bad one. Just weird. It must have something to do with my travel planning for the month of October. I would like to go traveling around in Chile for 3-4 weeks.....my father already told me if I am crazy and that it doesn't sound a good idea.....(why not???)....

Anyway, the dream.
I was on a plane and I landed in Los Angeles. But in a weird Los Angeles. I have never been there, so it could also be that the "real" Los Angeles resembles the one of my dream. But I doubt it. The airport was in the middle of nowhere and it was night and there were only a few people and only one helping desk. And my destination was not Los Angeles, but Philadelphia. And I didn't know why I was actually in Los Angeles, when clearly I should have been somewhere else. And then I looked at my tickets while I was talking to the woman at the helping desk and on the ticket there were many different destinations, so she couldn't help me. I basically had to buy another ticket. I was supposed to go to Philadelphia for work, to go to a museum (is there even a Natural History Museum in Philadelphia?). While I was trying to buy the ticket, someone put a cheap bomb in the airport. We had all (the few people there) go out and then in again. But while I was out, I got totally depressed seeing the scenario around the airport. Only dark and tracks driving around, nothing appealing on the horizon. I woke up totally frustrated that I wanted to go to Philadelphia and I was stuck in Los Angeles in a very unappealing place.

What does this means????

Freedom and the lack of it

Sometimes it seems to me that things in Italy are going progressively from bad to worst. Sometimes it seems to me that Italians just stand there complaining, without actually doing much more than complaining to their neighbors and accepting anything that someone else decide for them.
Sometimes it seems to me that in Italy we passed the limit of what it could be considered acceptable and still nobody does anything.
Sometimes it seems to me that in Italy we are not able to do much more than just talking and talking and talking without actually acting to improve things.
Sometimes it seems to me that the people of Italy represent the apex of being selfish.
Sometimes I can't believe to the way people do not react and respond to what it is going on.
Sometimes I wish I could do something to change the things that I don't like there.

Take the right that the police and carabinieri have to record all the private conversation of citizens that may be considered suspect of some illegal action. Take for example the extension of it, which include the right to listen to private conversation, control sms, emails etc. of people who are more or less related to these suspects.
In the course of recent events in Lucca, the police and carabinieri obtained a large body of information by putting under surveillance for more than 3 years the phones (cellphones, home phones, office phones) of some suspects plus the ones of their family members. But this was not enough. They also placed recording devices to record conservation in some public cafes in the city justifying this fact by saying that "these suspects sometime were meeting there". We are talking about a public place, where me, you could go to have a coffee and chat about private things with a friend. The police and carabinieri got the information they wanted.
But my question is: aren't we free anymore?
Didn't we pass the limit?
Is it normal and considered ok to spy on other people and other people lives because they could be in some way connected with people that are under investigation?

Consider for a moment how you would feel if you would discover that anything you said in the last 3 years have been recorded and of course you didn't know about it. Consider if all your private sms, emails, phone calls would be available to the police and carabinieri. How would you feel? wouldn't you feel deprived of your freedom? wouldn't you feel spied? wouldn't you think that how come a private citizen in Italy can be spied without a warning or anything when the human freedom should be one of the main values of humanity to protect?

I keep wondering, how can this be all legal? and why none protest against it?

I love Italy

I am so proud of being Italian.
Especially right now. Especially today.
We just had a referendum yesterday and today to vote, among other things,for the abrogation of the law about building new power plants in Italy. And the large majority (at this moment it seems to be above 90%) of the people who went to vote at the referendum voted for the abrogation of the law. So, no nuclear power plants in Italy. And this morning Berlusconi finally admitted that Italy should start to invest in alternative energy sources. I guess that it was about time!!!!
And I would add the need of a better education on how to save energy to begin with. It would be helpful to everybody to know how to reduce the electricity bill, but also how to actively do something for the environment.

Walking the streets of Montpellier

I went to see the movie "Midnight in Paris" with some friends last night. They all liked it except me. It was funny, but it was very predictable and I found the story in itself to be very poor. After the movie we went to a pub...like always.
I discovered one thing. For the people of Portugal, it is all about food. Getting together is all plaid around food and eating (I guess in Italy it happens the same....I just don't remember). Here in France, it is all about "prendre un verre", which basically means going out to drink something. I have to work hard to convince people to do something else beside sitting in a cafe' or in a pub to drink something and even when I do convince someone to do something else, the afternoon or the evening program MUST also include "de prendre un verre". Fortunately yesterday we didn't stay at the pub too long. I just get so bored after a while of sitting in a group in a pub drinking and talking. I am more the kind of person who likes to do things instead of just sitting and drinking (also because how many juices and glass of water can I drink in a single evening since I don't drink alcohol???).
In any case, after the pub we went for a long long walk and since I was not alone (I don't like to walk alone at night here, there are too many drunk people around), for once I really enjoyed walking around the streets of Montpellier at night. It was a bit chilli, but overall it was very pleasant. I guess that we walked for about two hours and it was very nice. I am a nocturnal person, definitively, and I love walking around. I think that it is the best way to discover a place. So, even if I live here since almost three years, last night I had the chance to really enjoy this city. I hope to have the chance to walk around at night again in the future. I love it. Plus....I got the chance to see a few geckos on the walls of the old houses here. Nice!

La botte piena e la moglie ubriaca

This is another common Italian way of saying that indicates a person who wants it all. Like me right now. And not only right now, to be honest.
I just got back to Italy. Crazy how much I miss being there, with my family, my close friends that I know since I was little (or much younger anyway), my home town, the familiar things, the food I love. I know that I would get saturated of all these same things within a couple of days if I would live there, but when I am there for just a few days, it is never easy nor pleasant to leave.
It may sound very childish, but I do wish that I would have it all.
My family and my friends close to me, so that I could spend a proper normal time with them, without always having to rush.
My home town, which I truly, deeply, love because it is beautiful (too bad that I cannot say the same about the typical "Lucchese", the people of Lucca).
All the familiar things that make me feel immediately at home.
The hugs of my mom and my grandma.
The long beaches on which to walk in the evening, at the sunset.
The laughs.

Many years ago I took a decision, which was to leave Italy to try to do what I like as work. I have never regretted that decision, even now, even when things were very hard for me. I do what I like and I consider myself lucky for this possibility that I have. But my roots are important to me and there is not success in my work that can replace the emptiness given by not having my family and friends close to me to share things with them. I could try to go back, but in this moment of general economic crisis, there are not possibilities in Italy, especially considering that my job is not "commercially valuable".
My last ex-boyfriend often said that we should have tried to find a way to spend half of the year living where we had a job and the other half of the year in Lucca, where I am from. Maybe half of the year would have been too much, but some months every year would be ideal. My next job is much more flexible of what I have now, so maybe it will be possible to work for some months from abroad...with abroad meaning Italy or any other place where I would like to be. For now I have to slowly get back to my life here.....one step at the time....

PS. Fortunately I have The Big Bang Theory and Sex and the City episodes to watch....perfect cheer me up tools!

so stinky

I may have finally found a deodorant that works. Maybe.
The thing is: I don't want to buy nor to use cosmetic products that contain animal products and are tested on animals. I am strongly STRONGLY against that. I even recently discovered that tooth paste is tested on animals. Is it really that necessary? I think that animal testing is such a cruel thing, especially when it is for cosmetic purposes. So, if I can find a product that has not been tested on animals, I will go for it. The problem with this is that I live in France, not in the USA. And in France, I don't even live in Paris or Bordeaux, where I guess you could find whatever you want. No, I am in the South of France, where things that in the USA you could easily find next door (at least to my experience), here would take you days of exploration just to maybe find only one brand of what you are looking for (therefore, you better like it or give up on your principles).

In any case, I love The Body Shops because one of their philosophies is to be against animal testing. And there is a Body Shop here. So, I got this deodorant there. The name was very promising. The nice smell too. I didn't read the review on it before buying....come on, it is just a deodorant. I even got two of them (very smart of me, I admit!). Basically, as soon as it started to be a bit hotter outside and I started to sweat a little on my way to work, by the time I started my working day, I was nicely stinking more than a skunk....of course, to my deepest embarrassment. I didn't think that it may have something to do with the deodorant. I mean, it smells so nice when you open it. I thought that it may have been because I switched the type of vitamins I am taking. Stopped that for a while and still my armpits were smelling like nothing you would like to be close too. I tried different options with no success.....till the other day, almost by chance, I read the review on this deodorant....apparently I am not the only one to have had the stinky experience.
So, yesterday I have visited a few shops here which have natural and bio-products hoping to find something with written on that the product was not tested on animals. I couldn't find anything. I love the vegan (and not tested on animals) brand yes to carrots ...why couldn't they make deodorants too??? I ended up at the Body Shop again and I got another one (this time before buying anything there I checked the review on the product).....I biked in the sun today and I didn't smell bad.....have I maybe found the one?????

PS. I am reading the Bill Bryson's book Down Under and I love it. But more than that, I am even learning a lot of new (meaning, unknown to me till now) English words.....but I can't find what "dozy" translated to in Italian or what it means.....I even have an American slang dictionary and I couldn't find it in there.....in the book it is written "what a dozy bugger you are". I found the meaning of bugger....but no idea about the meaning of the word dozy.

The beauty of this world (and beyond that)

I love week ends. Week ends can be quite tough if you are alone, no boyfriend, no plans with some friends. But I love them. Today is sunny, but with a light breeze. I went to get a baguette for breakfast and I think I just had the perfect morning start.
My perfect saturday morning start includes having breakfast while listening to the Nature or Science podcast. I always feel privileged by being a scientist. It is very frustrating sometimes, very often, especially in this economy and for how the world set its priorities. But I do think that I am privileged. It may sounds a bit like an opening from The Big Bang Theory Tv show, but I do think that as scientists we are able to grasp and appreciate life as full in a way that other people don't or can't. Since school, I always thought that physics was fascinating. I mean, look around yourself, to all the natural (but also technical) beauties and phenomena that you see every day. A sunset, the wind, a thunderstorm, even deadly things, such a earthquake. For me all these events are just magnificent. I still get impressed by TV and internet and phones. And these are technological things which have been built on physical proprieties of matter. Just thinking of all started, with the Big Bang, makes me feel so lucky to just be here and being able to see all this.

I wish that more people would be able to grasp the beauty of all this, because there is an entire Universe out there in which we are just a small piece of the big puzzle.

The mysteries of technology

First. Because I am in France, everything must be in French. I tried to set my internet browser to ENGLISH and as soon as I close it, well.....it restarts in French....or it restarts in English as a main page while all the rest remains in French...it is like watching an English movie with French subtitles to me....very annoying.

Second. Mysteries of technology. Since yesterday my Firefox internet browser wouldn't let me access my blog. I could access Gmail, the readers, everything else, except the blog. I thought that it was a momentary problem...but it is still not solved. However, I can access the blog by using any other browser (of course, otherwise I wouldn't be here posting). Sometimes Firefox stops liking my favorite sites and doesn't let me access them anymore.....Why that? no idea......fortunately, I have installed any sort of internet browser on my computer, so that I can use one or the other depending on my mood and needs....of course, Firefox is my favorite....but sometimes it drives me crazy (like in any respectable relationship....love and hate are often going together).

Last. I should be at work already, but since here it is already more than 30 degrees (and it is only May) and since last night I worked till 1 am, I guess that I can arrive a bit later today (even later than the time at which I normally get to work....which is already quite late....no idea how I could have a job from 8am -or even 9am- to 5pm.....I mean, with a normal schedule)...

Thanks God I am not on facebook

Yesterday. On my way to go food shopping, I met one of the guys who was always flirting with me at the laundry place. I acknowledged his presence by saying hi to him. Nothing more. Just hi. From then on it was all about trying to convince me to sit at a cafe' with him to chat a bit.

I know him. I have been talking to him a few times in the past months, always at the laundry place where I go, before he had some trouble with the owner of the place and he disappeared. So, it was some months I didn't see him. I didn't miss him. I could easily go on with my life without seeing him ever again. But since I met him yesterday, I thought that it was polite to say hi, instead of just walking by. MISTAKE!!! I have beautiful eyes, sit down with me to drink something, chat with me.......etc, etc....fortunately, I had the excuse that I needed to do my food shopping before the shop would close. And then before leaving, he asked me if I had a facebook account "so that we could be in touch"......

I am not sure which part of my subtle insights he didn't understand about not having absolutely any intention to stay in touch. Maybe my insights were too subtle. In any case, I am glad that I don't have a facebook account. So, I didn't even need to lie, which I hate and I am not good at. Sorry, no facebook for me. I am actually quite against it (and even more lately, as it caused me a reason to get very upset at my last now ex-boyfriend). He tried to convince me on how good it is to have a facebook account to be up-to-date on what it is going on in the life of people we know. He didn't occur to him that the people I want in my life or that I want to be informed about my life, they are actually in my life and update on what it is going on without me being on facebook. If I don't have an account is exactly to avoid to have "whatever" person who means absolutely nothing to me among my facebook friends.

One of the few good things of always moving around is that at the stage of getting ready to move to another country, I always have to go trough a cleaning process. Selecting clothes, books, things that will make it to the next stage and I will bring with me, and things that will be left behind. The same goes for the people I meet in every place. Some are acquaintances, people I have met during my life but who didn't mean anything to me on the long term (and in some case even on the short). Not negative people, people with whom I may even have shared nights out or fun, but that just didn't add anything to me or my life. These people will be left behind, without a further thought. He will be for sure one of them and I am very happy for this reason to not have a facebook account, so I can easily avoid the feeling of having to refuse a facebook friendship from some of these people.

I am in the mentally "cleaning" process that preludes my next moving to a new country and starting my life over again (or a new life anyway). I have to say that beside all the negative aspects of moving all the time all over the places, this cleaning process is something that I love to be forced to go trough as it allows me to think about what and whom matter to me and gives me an incredible sense of freedom to be able to actually chose what and whom I want in my life. Otherwise, I think that if I wouldn't be forced to go trough this "cleaning" process, I would just keep going on without actually stopping to think if what I have in my life and the people I find myself sharing my life with (friends, acquaintances, maybe a boyfriend) are truly the people and the things I want in my life.

So, gladly I don't have facebook and the people I want in my life know how to find me and know about me anyway, no matter where I am in the world.

6m3, 8 m3, 12 m3........

The fun of moving again......
calling it fun is being sarcastic.
I have been to the tax office this morning to know if all the incredible amount of money that I paid for the retirement and unemployment during the three years I worked (and still work) here will be lost or if it can be transferred within Europe in any possible way and what I should do.

.....anyone who will tell me that bureaucracy in Italy is worst than here in the South of France, should experience living and working here for at least one year.....

I waited in line (because none was answering to the phone any time I tried to call) to talk to someone for 40 minutes to just hear two things: why didn't you call (right....why didn't I.....doh......) and sorry I have no clue what are the two different offices where you can get these info....

So, this is one of the things I have to sort out before the end of June when everyone will take their two months holidays and therefore will be impossible to find anyone or do anything or have any answer before September.

Next thing is to find a company to move my stuff between here and Portugal. Every time I move I waste so much money. And I hate waste. I am not going to sell the few things I have here to buy them again there. I am not going to leave my books behind.....so, at the end I will not have many things to transport (as I am also living in a furnished apartment and I didn't buy too many additional furniture), but I can't just move with a couple of bags...it just wouldn't be enough for everything. My idea and what I would have liked it was to make this new change in my life less dramatic and take the occasion for a road trip with my stuff between the two places. Of course, it is a long trip and I am a disaster in driving, so I have asked to my mom and to my friend in Italy to come with me.....but none of the two liked the idea for different reasons....so I am stuck to the start point again.
I went online to look for companies that would help me with moving my stuff. And for the same exact objects to move, three different companies considered three different volumes of stuff to move and gave me three quite different estimates (all quite expensive). In any case, it is apparently too early to ask.....I will have to do it one month before the expected moving (should I recontact them in the middle of August????)....and the same goes for the apartment.

I would have found a very, very nice place, close to the sea, with a balcony, perfect locations. Very nice, definitively. The rent was a bit more than what I would like to pay, but still....a very good thing. Too early to contact them now if I only plan to start renting in the fall......

.........should I do everything at the last minute then???? just because I will not be already stressed enough........and of course....as my project at work keeps going nowhere (and this since a year and a half now), I can already see myself organizing all these things PLUS having to finish my entire project in September all at the same time.....

It is going to be so much fun.
I already enjoy the idea of all this together immensely.