In the middle of the night

France, evening

I just came back from the beach, where it was a bit cold and windy. But I enjoyed it and I even jumped into the water even if it was very cold. Now, I am going out for a relaxing walk with my best friend, the iPod.

Before, I wanted to write about last night. I came back home around 1.30 am and I soon fell asleep. I got wake up by someone crying very very laud. It was the middle of the night, 2.30 am. I realized that it was one of my neighbour. The one who lives with her boyfriend next door. She was crying very very laud, desperately. She walked into the corridor, still crying and then back inside her apartment. The walls here are not real walls and so I could hear her very well. I didn't know if knocking at her door and ask her if everything was ok, if she needed some help. As she came back home alone, I guess she had a fight with her boyfriend. I didn't hear him coming back at all. She kept crying and crying and I felt very sorry for her.

And I thought of myself, of how many times I cried in that way for a man too. The last time, not so long ago. I am sure my neighbors heard me too. And I got to think, is it worth it? shouldn't be being in a relationship something that makes you happy? sometimes we hurt the people we love most. Again, is it worth it? I felt like knocking at her door to ask her if she wanted to talk with someone. But first, my French is not good enough for this kind of deep conversation and second, it was none of my business and I don't even know her, beside the bonjour and bonsoir. So, I didn't. I stayed in my bed feeling miserable, feeling sorry for her and for anyone else who suffers a lot for love.

Fighting is part of being in a relationship, I guess. But when you are in a relationship and you start to feel less well than when you are alone, less stable, and you feel that the other person doesn't treat you with respect, no matter how divergent are the opinions, no matter who's fault it is, when the other person doesn't treat you as something precious, even if he/she loves you deeply, isn't the right time to re-consider the relationship? I know that when you deeply love someone this is very very hard and my tendency is to always find justifications for the behavior of the other person, always trying to forget about these moments. But these moments actually stay in my head and they just pile one top of each other, till everything gets ruined.
I heard my neighbours fighting so much, so many times and this girl crying so many times....

It is so much work being in a relationship. This is why if I am in a relationship, it means that the person is really worth it, otherwise, for me there is no reason to go through so much for someone who represents very little. At the beginning everything is great, beautiful and the small problems are cute, they are not even problems...but with time, only a few, very few people for me are worth to invest time, energy, days in which things don't go well, tears.
I am definitively not someone who is in love for love or relationships or marriage or any of these things.