wish

Italy, evening

I wish to be covered by love in the new year.

Iron man

Italy, night

and this is a cool movie. It even made me feel in a better mood than before. I am not too much into Hollywood movies, too technological...but this is cool! and there is also Jeff Bridges in there!

orange, violet and bluet

Italy, evening

I left home this afternoon just to go to get a massage. My stomach is still upset and my throat is not that happy yet. In my mind (and on my agenda) the massage was at 4.30pm, so I left home around 4pm to walk there. At 4.20pm my cellphone rang. It was the person who was suppose to give me the massage at.........4pm...........end of the story. I didn't get the massage and my back/shoulders/neck still bother me. I got an appointment tomorrow.

This just to give an idea of my status of mind. My brain is "in pappa" as a friend of mine was used to say to me (which means in a lot of little pieces, or something like that). To cheer my mood up I decided that since I was already downtown, I could go for a walk and maybe a little bit of shopping. My mom joined me and we walked around. Beside buying a pair of red underwear (as I wrote already, even if I am not superstitious, the year 2008 was so crap that it is better to do everything to avoid any bad luck in the coming year) and a scarf (because I left mine at home, due to my brain "in pappa" again), I went for colorful tights. If there is something I am crazy about, are colorful happy tights. I was looking for a pair with some nice drawing, like the one I have with the geckos on it. But I couldn't find. Tights with drawing are only for kids and even if I am short, I am still bigger than a kid.

At the end I bought a pair in orange (bright orange, my favorite color!!!), one in violet and one in a weird bluet. They are quite cool. I wanted a pair also in yellow, but they didn't have them anymore in my size. Me wearing those colorful tights is something that always attract the attention of a lot of people, no matter where I am. But uh, oh, I like it, so the colorful clothing are something that independently of how down I can be, it stays in my life!!!!

From the colorful tight I got to think about the movie "happy go lucky", which is now shown in Italy. I saw the movie some months ago and I loved it. It made me feel so happy and positive and light. Then this afternoon I was wondering in internet (while instead I should have been working) and I saw on the blog of inkiostro a lot of comments about how annoying the main character of this movie is. I don't know. I really liked it! I wish I could be a bit more like her!

Anyway, for tonight I got the movie Ironman. I heard it is a cool movie...

traveling

Italy, morning

This morning my mom's cat, Camilla, is really agitated...maybe she feels my mood...she just climbed from inside my mom Christmas tree and now she is playing with any pen or paper on the table where I am working (and also with my cellphone).

I keep feeling lost, I keep feeling empty and I hate the New Year Eve coming closer. I am not ready. I will miss someone special tomorrow night. At the end I will spend the evening with my sister, her husband, my mom and other couples friend of my sister. Lots of couples. I didn't find a better option. Fortunately, my mom and a friend of her will be there too and they are both single, so I will be not the only one....even if of course, it is different..

I decided that to push away this feeling of loneliness and emptiness, I will take a long d-tour to come back home to France. I will spend some days traveling a bit around here in Europe. Not that traveling will allow me to escape my feelings, but maybe it will distract me. Even if loneliness normally travels faster than I do and follow me wherever I go...

again?

Italy, late afternoon

I have a special talent lately in catching a flu. I think I am getting sick again. And of course, the first symptoms I get are a sore throat and intestinal problems, which is not really nice since I am in Italy and my mom cooks incredibly well and I would like to enjoy what she prepares for me...

Ok, I will stay inside this evening. No running outside, no walk and a cup of warm tea....but it is so annoying...I will take a warm bath. Fortunately my mom has a bath here and not a small shower like mine in France.

same book, different me

Italy, evening

There are times in which the same book, read at different age or in a different mood gives you something different. It happens to me. Not with too many books, but with some good ones.

I just finished a nice Italian book I was reading. It was nice, entertaining and I enjoyed it a lot. The title is "Le tre carte". I left a comment about it in my book session. I already bought another Italian book. I feel that if I don't want to completely lose my Italian vocabulary (which is already happening), I should read more Italian books.
Anyway, it is days that I am thinking about a book I read long time ago, when I was a teen ager. The title is Momo, the author is Michael Ende. As I wrote, I already read the book. But I keep thinking about it and as when I read it I am sure I appreciated (or not, I can't recall) for the novel, now I am more thinking about the insights of this book. I am sure I have it here around, so I will try to find it (or I will buy it again) and re-read it.

I had the same with the "Le Petit Prince". Read it when you are a teenager and you see the novel. Read it when you are older and you find something else in there.

I am addicted to books. But tonight, I will watch tv (I don't have a tv since 7 years, so when I am in Italy I can't stop stare at it), because there is a movie I like "Love actually".

Italy, afternoon

I am so angry, so angry at myself and at how things go that I just manage to fight with everyone here. I just have to avoid to talk to anyone close to me now if I want to avoid to fight. I have so much anger in myself that it just come out at everyone as soon as I open my mouth.

And of course, beside the anger there are also a lot of tears.

changing socks

Italy, morning

I woke up from a bad dream and now I feel really agitated. Pfff...I hate bad dreams....It was not about work fortunately, but this doesn't make it less awful...

I am trying to work a bit, but I need my strength to find the energy to do something. Anything else seems more appealing. At the end, it is my holidays, even if I have a lot of work to finish still....Another pfff....fortunately I am planning to go for a long walk on the walls with my mom (my home town still has the romanic walls intact. 4.4 km on which we can walk, run, rollerblade, bike, everything).

In the last days I feel really cranky. I have an amazing fear of being substituted in the heart of the people I love and count a lot to me. I have this with my closest friends and I have this if I love someone, even after we take separate ways. I would always like to have a special place in the heart and mind of the people I love. Because I don't feel that special and because my father always used people like disposable objects, I can't stop thinking that everyone (except me of course) is a bit like him, especially if this everyone is a man. Beside my father, who was changing women as often as he changes his socks, also my first boss was always telling me that none is necessary, everyone can be substituted. And this is one of my biggest fear.

It may sound silly, but I invest so much on the people that make a difference in my life, that the idea that for them it is not the same and I can be replaced in their lives by someone else, it makes me suffer. Of course I can dictate other people lives...but still...Arrogantly, I would like to be insostituible in their lives.

New Year's Eve 2008/2009

Italy, evening

I wrote already I don't know how many times that Christmas holidays are a bad time to be down. It looks like you have to be happy. Family getting together, everyone feels he has to be nicer to the others.... If you are not that happy, the feeling that you necessarily have to be happy, because be down and Christmas atmosphere really don't go well together, make the person feeling down more stressed than necessary...at least this is what happens to me.

Thinking about how to spend New Year Eve is even more stressful. I am not superstitious, but I don't know why in my head I have this idea that a) you have to have fun on New Year Eve b) you can't spend that day alone c) you have to go to bed late d) you have to do something different from what you would normally do e) THIS IS THE MAIN STRESSFUL PART: you have to start the new year in a great way, otherwise the coming year is screwed up!

Based on the e) assumption is that if you do not enjoy the first day of the new year, you can just forget to have any chance to have a good new year...so, you can basically bypass the entire new year and postpone everything to the following year (just accept to be in a sleeping mode for the following 12 months). This just to hope to make it in a not catastrophic way till the following year.

The direct outcoming of all this is a huge stress on what to do on New Year Eve. The rules to try to have a good coming year are (at least in the area from where I came from):

a) wear red new underwear (the old one is not valid!!!)
b) eat lentils (they "bring" money)
c) eat at least 12 pieces of grape (one for each month)
d) eat litchis (which of course are not typically from Tuscany, but with all the Chinese people who moved here, we got also some traditions from them and to avoid any risk (you don't want to risk to have a bad year just because your local diet doesn't include litchis), better to make everyone happy and follow also the Chinese tradition)
e) if you make a "cin cin" (how do you say this in English???) with a glass of champagne, you have to stare at each other eyes while doing the "cin cin". If you don't, you will have seven years without sex (in other places I heard that is seven years of bad sex). Beside that I don't know if it would be worse seven years of bad sex or no sex at all, considering my current situation, I don't want to risk again and so I will make sure that even if I don't drink anything at all, I will make "cin cin" with everyone and stare at them right in their eyes.

What else??? I am not sure....if you know something additional that I should do, please let me know, I have to do as much as possible to avoid another shitty year.

So far, I don't have a plan on what to do on New Year Eve. My ideal night would be to have dinner with some good friends, go dancing or play some games and then go to bed with the person I love :-)
Since this last point is not going to happen (and I have to admit that I really envy anyone who will start the new year in the arms of the person they love because I can't think of any better way to start the new year), I still hope for a nice dinner with good friends.....

I will keep you posted.

inspiring

Italy, night

Still awake. I am getting ready to get to bed. I was watching this cool inspiring video. It is long, but watch it, it is worth it.

scary

Italy, evening

Scary. I was here at the computer when everything started to shake. My bed, the computer, everything. We had two earthquake shakes, just at 11 pm this evening. There has been one in Parma this afternoon, a bit North of here...and the shakes I felt this evening are the "scosse di assestamento" I have no idea of how to call them....

anyway, it was scary. I am always scared about earthquake.
Now I am watching an amazing cool thing on youtube.

Good night

it seems it rains shit

Italy, afternoon

If any single day does not have a small yet significant bad news for me or my family, it is not really a day. So far today didn't have any major negative things, I even went running. Now, I just got one.

Hurray!

To laugh a bit watching Elio Germano :-)

France, evening

I couldn't put this video here....

too close

France, lunch time

I slept a lot, really a lot. 11 hours...and now I feel completely dizzy. And it is not too good since I have to work a lot today...and so far I did nothing.. :-)

Last night I went to see the movie "Burn after reading" of the Coen brothers and I liked it. Brad Pitt is so funny. It reminded my The Big Lebowski because everything starts out of nothing, so out of something that didn't go the way it should have gone. Of course in this movie, none is so good as Jeff Bridges in The Big Lebowski. But it was nice.

Anyway, this post is not about the movie. It is about the French again. I went to the movie with two French (a man and a woman), an Iranian, a Danish and an Algerian. An international group. The French girls has been sick for two weeks. She arrived and she kissed on the cheeks everyone. A French habit. I am not too much into physical contact with people I am not close to. I love hugs, I love kisses and so on, but only with people who are really close to me.

The cheek kissing is a bit like the American "hi, how are you doing?" meaning nothing, but everyone does it. Between the two, I, of course, prefer the American "hi, how are you doing" to the French cheek kissing. First, I never know how many times you are supposed to kiss the other person on the cheeks, because I found out that even within the same country it goes from two to four times. Second, if someone has just been sick or is still sick, I am not that happy about getting so close to his/her face. Third, here everyone kisses everyone else. Which is highly democratic, I admit, but it just doesn't work for me. I can't cheek kiss my boss. It is just weird. So, also for this, I stick out of the crowd. Everyone does it. Everyone cheek kiss everyone else. Me, I just freeze. And I am sorry, because I may look rude...but it is just not something for me.

By product of this, is that you get really close to smell the other person. If you read my blog since quite sometime, then you may have noticed that I am highly sensitive to smells. I would happily avoid to cheek kiss someone and thus get really close to him/her if she/he smells bad. But it seems that as long as I will be living here, I have to find a way to cope with this fact.

Last thing. French people talk close to each other. Another thing I love about Americans. They are really respectful (at least the ones I met). They are careful with other people spaces. They don't invade someone else space. French people are not that sensitive. So, a lot of times it happened to me to have a conversation with someone who was talking so close to my face that I got to think "hey, if I would have liked to kiss you, I would have already tried probably"...and so often for me speaking to a French ends up in a sort of dancing, the person coming closer to me and my face and me stepping back. Fortunately, this habit is not too common and widespread as the cheeck kissing.

I know, sometimes I may sound a bit of a tight ass.....I just like my spaces...

The Frenchies, my skin, getting old and others

France, night

I was deadly tired tonight. I didn't want to go out. But I said I would go. So, after a shower I managed to put something decent on and I went out.

On the way to the pub, the meeting point, I felt invisible. This happens often. It is nothing new. Here in France, it happens even more often than in any other country where I lived before. French girls are too pretty. And the ones who are not pretty look pretty anyway. They have this charm that cannot be copied and for sure cannot be learn. So, it doesn't matter how I look, I will always be and feel invisible.
No, let me rephrase this. I am not invisible because while everyone else here dresses in black or in grey when they go for some color, I almost always wear orange or red or pink or other colors...So, yes, they look at me, but with the expression of who thinks "she is weird". Beside this, I became invisible again. The Frenchies are for me not even a source of frustration. They are inimitable. There is not comparison, no competition. I am sure that under an objective light maybe they are not even that special. But they all look fashionable, skinny but not too much, interesting. Even the ones who are not fashionable, skinny or interesting look exactly the opposite anyway.

I feel like being an elephant in a shop full of glasses.
Out of place.

I am sure that if I would try to wear the same things they wear, make up like they do, wear the same shoes they do (with such a high heels that first I should learn how to walk with those), have this permanent expression of being annoyed and yet look amazingly interesting and sexy, I would only manage to feel umcomfortable with myself and to look like a cow....
I still didn't get what is the trick.

The Frenchies always look bored, like they are making you a favor if they talk to you, whatever thing they do, even when you think they should have fun, they still have that face with that expression that to me looks like "please don't bother me"...without the please of course. Yet, they seem to be so appealing to men like honey for bears.

Now, I am not interested in meeting any man. I am really not in the right status of mind for that. But still, it wouldn't be bad for my self-esteem to be noticed at least sometimes and not only because I look weird or different. Just to not feel invisible all the time.

Me, I am funny and this is my trick if I want to gather any attention. To be myself and thus being funny I have to be in a situation a) in which I am comfortable b) in which I can be funny, which means out with a group of people. These two things don't come automatically that easily. So, the majority of the time I feel out of place. Because of the way I dress, because of they way I walk, because of the way I am.

And since I am here, I also started to feel old. Like my skin is falling apart and I look much older than I actually am. I am sure I am exagerating, but this is the way I feel....and it doesn't sound too good. I feel more and more like I am a lot of substance, but not at all appareance. And even if this can sound good (sure I agree, substance is better than appareance), none would deny that a compliment about the way I look, about how I appear would for sure make me feel immediately good.

I see it. If someone likes me, it does because of the way I am and my personality. Which is good, again, of course. But it wouldn't hurt if someone before to like me for the way I am and my personality would also think "hey, she is cute"....or even better "hey, she is pretty".....

Moon

France, evening

Beautiful moon outside. It seems that in the last 15 years it has never been so close to Earth. Just take a minute to look at it. It is really beautiful...

I know...I am so romantic....

Anyway, I watched the moon on my own...which was not really romantic...

But I enjoyed anyway and this is what it counts!!!

This is the life

France, morning

I love this song. Absolutely. It makes me feel like jumping around and smiling. Don't know why.
I just love it!

play the cynical

France, night

I play the cynical one much more than I actually am. I think I am as cynical as I am an incurable romantic.
I saw again for the third time the movie of sex and the city and for the third time I cried at the same exact points.........................

I have no words...

The wall

France, morning

Ah, la France, la France.....
Yesterday at work. I get there in the morning, I entered the room and it was freezing. The person I share the office with told me that we were without electricity. Which means that since the heating blow cold hair and we use an electric heater, of course it was not working. Then we also were of course without light and since it was a grey day outside it was everything dark in the office. Ok, I thought I go back home to work there.
But then a man came and told us that the electricity would be repaired in a bit. So, it happened. So, I stayed and unpacked my stuff and started to work. We had to close the door since they were redoing some other office in the corridor and so it was really noisy.

Afternoon. Me working at the computer really concentrated. Suddenly I heard a BOOOM that made me jump on my chair (I am sure I have some additional white hair since yesterday) and a large piece of wall fell into my office. What was it?
Without saying anything to anyone, two of the people who were redoing some of the other offices, started to break down the wall separating the two offices of our working team. Yes, I knew that this would happen. I also knew that this would happen when none was there. Instead, since they were already working at the same floor, they decided to destroy also our wall....they could tell us something before to start....not, too easy...
So, I asked them if they were planning to keep working on that and for how long, because it was so noisy that I would have got home to work. The answer was "yes, yes".........Yes, yes what? so, I had to reformulate my question again, all this while they were making a lot of noise destroying the wall...Yes, they would keep doing that and yes they would keep doing that for a bit.
Ok, so I packed my stuff and when I put to sleep my computer I realized that the noise was stop. I went to the other room to ask if someone knew what was going on and they told me that since they realized that the entire structure was not really solid and that if they would have brought down the wall without reinforcing the adjacent structures, everything would have come down too, they stopped. Apparently, they will start again today.

I am not discussing here safety issues of the entire fact, but come on...is this an appropriate way of working??? fortunately I was not the only one annoyed and surprised, which means that also for the French this was not normal....

Merde

France, morning

If there is something typical of France is "merde". It is everywhere.
French people use the word "merde" in almost every sentence...and most of the time the word has not specific meaning in the sentence. It is just to make the concept stronger.
Second, walking on the street, on every street in France, is like walking along a trail with obstacles. The obstacles being dog "merde" (when it is not human, since I even saw a mom helping a kid pooing in the middle of the street) everywhere.
Of course, this morning when I walked to work, I stepped on it.
In Italy we say that it brings you good luck.
I really hope that at least the bad smell and the disgusting feeling of stepping on a dog poo can be paid back by some good luck today.....

PS. I started to read the book "a year in the merde". It is quite funny so far.

flight

France, night

at least today, even if the day turned out to be quite crappy, I concluded it finally buying the flight ticket for San Francisco. Which is something good!
Now I will go to read a bit of my book and then to sleep!

father and son

France, evening

Ok, this is what I definitively needed to boost my mood....Science findings can sometimes be depressing. If this study is true (and fortunately it seems to have more effect on sons than on daughters), my sister and I had probably a very low IQ at the age of 12 compared to the other kids...

I am always amused by these studies. I mean, someone is already depressed for its own situation, like having an absent father, and then do you think that this person also needs to know that "hey, you think that your father screwed up really well your life, but maybe you don't know that it screwed up every more than just your life...."?..come on...

Or like when you read these studies with written making love regularly improve the immune defense, improve the mood, helps losing weight and all these beautiful things....and of course, you are single....I mean, what is one supposed to do?

Scientists please understand one thing. The ones who had a great father, have a happy sex life, are happy enough and not waste any time reading things around the web to know how lucky they are. The ones who instead are a bit screwed up by their fathers and even more, maybe single, they DO NOT NEED to know that actually their situation is not just bad, but it is actually worse than what they think, because also their health pays the consequences of being single or their intelligence has been negatively influenced by a father who didn't invest on them....

Come on! Give me a break!
In any case I have to arrogantly said that if the absence of my father screwed up my intelligence, I made it anyway trough school and I even got a PhD. Maybe I can go much further and I will not get a nobel prize, but still....don't think to be below average!

Ups and downs

France, evening

After a really nice week end with my family, who came to visit me here, today I have a bad day. Well my day wouldn't have started that bad, but then I got a bit sad because they left (I always get sad when someone I love and I like to spend time with leaves), then I got the news that I didn't get the grant to stay here a year and half more (I was really really hoping for that), then I got incredibly nervous about thinking to what I can apply to next to increase my chances to find a job after here and then I had the bad idea of taking a break and navigate a bit here and there on internet. And I made my decision about something: I definitively hate facebook!
I actually just saw something worse than facebook on the last post of inkiostro: Facecool!

who are your friends?

France, morning

The guy who will finally maybe one day do the reparation in the bathroom of my apartment came this morning. He said that because is December and so "close" to Christmas, then there is New Year Eve, than the insurances don't like to pay etc, probably the reparation will be done in February 2009....and he said "this is how it works in France"....and he is French :-)
Well, whatever, the roof is repaired, so it will not rain in my apartment and I am still in a good mood. My mom, my sister and her husband are on their way to come here for a long week end together!!!

This is the first thing I read this morning. How many times did you feel that being surrounded by happy people made you feel happy and instead people feeling miserable make you feel miserable too? Someone actually tested this!

PS. Today I am finally going running again. It seems that I am not sick anymore, finally!
PPS. Today I am going to buy the flight ticket for San Francisco!!! I am so excited for this trip, even if it is for work!!!

what voice type are you?

France, evening

I think science is really cool. Sometimes I find some really interesting articles. This is one of them! Check your voice type and you can find more about your attractiveness power toward men or women in different life stages!

PS. My great dinner today has been an incredible amount of mashed potatoes with some goat cheese. Definitively something not too light, especially for the quantity of mashed potatoes....I am so stuffed now.....The mashed potatoes (of course, in powder) has been all my cooking for this evening. Yesterday I shocked a girl with my cooking abilities...everyone expects that since I am Italian I am also a good chef. Nope, sorry!

French men

France, evening

I got to the conclusion that French men are rude. Not all of them probably, but some for sure and more than in any other country where I have been living.
A guy today. Never saw before. He came into my office to repair the shutter of the window. He didn't say good morning. Nothing. He said "it is too hot here". And I answered him that since I spend all day at the computer it is not the same as when you come from outside, like he just did. He repeated "it is too hot here". And I said that the other guy who is in the office and I like it that way. Again "really too hot". That was the conversation for about 5 minutes, when he decided to conclude it saying "pffff, women, you are not going to get to the age of 40 in this way"........
I was shocked...would you say something like this to someone you see for the first time?
And the reason why I wouldn't get to 40?
Because it was too hot in the room. And cold preserves better. This was what he said.

I mean, which kind of education do they teach here????

are we too old for a passionate, crazy love?

France, morning

First, watch this part from the last episode of sex and the city. It is related to this post.



Second, it is since last week that I have this continuous thought in my head. It doesn't leave me. I heard a lot, but really a lot of women saying that once you decide that you are ready to settle down, you stop looking for a big love, to instead start to look for a stable man who desires a family as well. It doesn't get to me yet how the two things are incompatible. But it seems so....you get around 30 years old, you apparently start to feel the tic tac of your biological clock and bum you realize that yes you want a family and kids and it is time to give up romance and passion and crazy love for something maybe less deep but more stable.

Based on my limited experience I can say that probably part of this is understandable. As soon as I am mad in love for someone, my brain capacities diminish, I am much more sensitive to anything the other person thinks or feels, I am more prone to drama, and so for sure it is easier to have a relationship without so much up and down when I am less involved.
The point is, so far I have not been able to have a relationship with someone for whom I was not crazy about. And yes, I had plenty of pain because of this. But I can't imagine to look at the person I am with and need my rationality to remind me why we are together.
A lot of times I heard these women who married or have a family with someone who was "right" saying that "he is a good father, he supports the family, he is good to me"....I understand that these are important qualities....but what about love? Yes, sure, after some years the crazy passion, the strong attraction will be diluted and I know that sometimes the people involved in the relationship are not able to deal with the lack of these factors that brought them together in the first place. But for me, it is just the evolution of the relationship, the growing together. A relationship that changes with time, as the two people involved.

So, the point is...Is it because I am afraid of commitment that I just can't think of having a relationship with someone for whom I am not madly in love? some of these women told me this. That I am just not ready to have a "mature" relationship and I still live them like if I was a teenager.....But why when you get to 30 or over 30 you can't still dream of finding someone for who you madly fall in love and then start a family with him? why after a certain age our romantic part fade out in the advantage of a more rational view?
Aren't we rational enough in a lot of other fields of our lives? why rushing to lose also the last romance? Is it that scary be over 30 and be a woman who wants a family?

Sorry, I am not ready to give up the mad love, the feeling of having my stomach upside down every time I see this person, the passion.
Definitively not!