New Year's Eve with fever

Italy, evening

I am very happy that the plan for tonight was to have a dinner all together here, at home. At least, I will be able to participate to it, and I hope to not make everyone else sick too......

I got a flu and I have fever....I guess my body is not used to relaxation...so as soon as I tried to relax a bit, I got sick :-(

Happy 2010!!!!

Water, water, water

Italy, night

It keeps raining. It never stopped since this morning. My mom got calls from people she knows asking for help in finding an apartment to rent, while their houses are covered by water.

Beside all these problems, I have to admit that I don't dislike the rain. I actually like walking in the rain and I love hear the noise of the rain on my jacket or on my umbrella. Walking in the rain makes me thinking, and it is perfect when my mood is so and so and I just want to be.

My mood is definitively so and so. It is nice to be at home with my family. It is nice to not have a daily schedule, it is nice to have to work only a little (even if I am not motivated at all and I have to force myself to even do that little), it is nice to finally have the time to just do what I like to (like sleeping a lot for example). But every end of the year makes me in the mood for a balance of the past year, and even if I can't complain about my work in this 2009, I have to add another failure to my list of personal experiences.

I didn't write too much about it before, because I got so hurt by my previous relationship and it took me so much to be even able to think that I could be happier with someone else, than I didn't want to write about it. In this year I felt scared, happy, angry, frustrated, in love, sad, optimist, pessimist, worried, and a lot of other things. I guess that I had too many expectations. I guess that I suffered so much in the past years because of my previous relationship, and I wanted so badly to have something light, happy, and easy, that I was not ready to deal with uncertainties and with anything bad similar to what I experienced in my previous-last relationship. And so, it was intense, like anything that deserves to be called a relationship for me, painful (as it seems to be a necessary ingredients to any of my relationships), and left me empty.

I always wonder how many tears a person can cry. Is it me? Am I too demanding? Am I too independent? Is it because I am not willing to compromise on things that for me are important? why does anyone else seem to find the right person and I don't? why even when I think that I found that person, everything has to be complicated and difficult and it always ends up in frustration on both sides?

I am a very difficult person to fall in love, to find someone I like, but when I do find that person, I want to live the relationship with all myself. And I feel that I deserve that the other person is in there in the same way. I am not easy to compromise, and I am not an easy person to be with. And I know this. But none for sure can claim that I don't give all myself to the person I love, even if I am independent, even if I strongly want to keep my identity and not fuse with the other one.

My friends seem to think that my working-life-style is not ideal for a relationship. I agree with them, it is not ideal. But then what should I do? it is already so hard for me to find someone that could be interesting enough for me to make me desire to be in a relationship with someone else except myself. What should I do? should I say to this person "I am sorry, I feel that we could have something nice together, something more than a friendship, but anything more in not compatible with my life-style and so I am sorry, but I can't"? And this till when? Until I find a permanent job and stopped moving every year? or what should I do? give up my dream job to see if a relationship would go somewhere without the distance? is any of these two options minimally fair?

Is it the new year going to be better?

PPS. After talking over and over with close friends and family, it seems that in the case of this last relationship, a bit more understanding from the other side and a bit more attention to my needs too would have helped a lot. This doesn't solve the situation, and it doesn't make me feel better anyway as the end product doesn't change...but at least I can think that this time, maybe the fault was a lot from both sides. Of course, living in the same place or living closer, would have helped to discuss things in a better way.

Christmas underwater

Italy, morning

I am not sure if this news left the Italian border. But we are underwater here. Not me and my family personally, we live too far from the rivers, the ponds, and the lakes. But a lot of families woke up on Christmas day to find their houses covered by mud and water.

If someone claims that the climate didn't change in the last years, this person has to be blind. One week ago we had so much snow that I can't remember the last time the town was looking like that. It doesn't normally snow here, we are too close to the sea. The temperature was at -5 C. In a couple of days, the temperature raised to +15, with an excursion of about 20 degrees. The snow melted and not only the one in town, but also the one on the neighbor mountains. And it started to rain.....

At the moment it rains again. Strongly. Numerous families are without houses, numerous animals died in the overflow of the river. The highway Firenze-mare has been closed due to the fact that a part of it is now in pieces, due to the force of the water that destroyed it. Images of the tg news last night showed where the highway should have been, even if all what it is possible to see now is just a river.

This may not be related to the climate change, but it looks to me like the weather got crazy in the last years. And of course, the meeting in Copenhagen with the "bigs" of the world didn't really represent any concrete step toward doing something for the environment..........

the appendix

Italy, evening

I went running tonight. Not for too long, but I ran and it made me feel good, like always. So according to my "why not" list, I re-started to run...now I have to manage to keep doing that and to be able to run for an hour. The old Roman walls around my home town are perfect for picking up running again.

I am also proud of myself for my 48 full hours (if not more) without working, and happy that in the last two days I managed to sleep a lot, finally.....I hope to be able to keep doing this for the next days (but unfortunately I have a work deadline on the 4th of January) and then I will hopefully start the new year in a good shape.

I watched this movie the other day, my best friend's girl. The movie is a bit vulgar according to my taste, but the story is not bad...and it got me thinking about how bad-men make the not-so-perfect-men looking almost perfect.
I am not dating anyone (my heart is taken, even if I am alone) like in the movie, so it is not a direct experience, but I can see a lot of men around anyway and I can pay a lot of attention to the boyfriends/husbands of my friends, and.........the movie is right in this:

when you see a bad man, someone you wouldn't like to have as a boyfriend, someone who lacks of attentions and looks annoyed at his partner/wife, someone who behaves like being together is more of an habit than a pleasure and a joy, someone who is in a couple because "at a certain age you have to get married and have kids", or someone who thinks that being alone is like a pest and it is better to be with anyone than alone, when I see these bad-men, the not-so-perfect-men look much much better and more wonderful that they were before.....like if bad-men would have the capacity to cancel the negative aspects of the not-so-perfect-men.

All these bad-men make me think: a) better to be alone than with someone like any of them, b) why do men (especially Italian men) behave often like their girlfriends/wives are a replacement of their mothers?, and most important
c) when I complain about a boyfriend making me feel more like an appendix in his life than a special, unique, irreplaceable person for him, am I asking too much considering the kind of men that I see around or is it mine a legitimate expectation????

The day after Christmas

Italy, afternoon

I survived to the Christmas frenzy. Not only I survived to that, but except for getting quite sick yesterday after lunch and for a couple of bad answers received, I didn't experience any big drama. So, after all, it was not too bad.

And I love the tradition of the Christmas tree, the unpacking of the presents all together (my mom, my sister and I, and this year also my sister's husband), and to go to a movie theater with my mom. It would be my ideal way of spending Christmas eve, but since in the last year, the evening of the 25 of December is still considered a family gathering to be spent in Florence, the movie evening is postponed to the 26. Which means, tonight. Which means, I am very happy about that and looking forward to that. Fortunately, there is a nice cartoon that I would really like to see, The princess and the frog. I heard that it is very nice.

....and I managed to stay more than 24 hours without working at all...A record for this year I would say!!!

Forget and forgive.....Christmas side effect?

Italy, morning

I am enjoying a lot the Christmas atmosphere here in Italy. I am spending a lot of time with my family, I am trying to relax as much as I can with no daily schedule at all, and so, I am happy to be where I am.

One of the good thing that I can really enjoy doing here is to watch all the movies that I want with Elio Germano (which are almost impossible to find in France). Yesterday, I even came across this short-movie (which I have to admit I didn't understand) with him....

On the other hand, one of the not-so-good things of being here around Christmas is that I can't avoid, especially at this time of the year, to leave painful or unclear situations suspended. If most of the time during the year, I just focus on working and I have the tendency to postpone resolving painful situations and not wanting to think about it, when I get at this time of the year, when I slow down, when I feel that I would like to be with all the people I love around me, etc. I can't avoid to think about problematic situation.

Procrastinating in this sense is even more complicated when other people around me, just because at Christmas we have to be better people (why just at Christmas???), call me like nothing bad ever happened between us and expect me to forget the past, forgive anything that needs to be forgiven and play the happy family. I don't like this Christmas side effect. Bad people keep being bad people. I don't believe that anyone can change. Yes, you can try to change and improve your character...but I don't know a single person that on the long run, really changed from what he/she was.
So, when my father yesterday called me out of nowhere, and asked me how I was doing and for the first time in ages he actually listened to my answer, when my grandmother told me that my father went food shopping for her (as it snowed a lot here and she couldn't go out), thing this that he has never done in his entire life, I started to wonder if this was just one of his numerous tricks to convince people to forgive him and forget the past, for then throw them (us) away again when he feels like.

I would really like to be able to believe that he could change and be a better person, someone who actually cares about someone else except himself. But I can't. I stopped believing in fairy tales long time ago, and if I am cynical, it is also thanks to him. I like the Christmas atmosphere, but it doesn't have all this power on me to make me believe that Santa Claus exists and that miracles do happen sometimes......

Christmas is all around

France, afternoon

So, it is a fact, Christmas is all around. People mostly talk about what to do, what to buy, what to give, when to leave to meet with the rest of the family...and all around there are Christmas trees, and Christmas markets, and Christmas decorations....

And some people classically at this time of the year feel blue. I love Christmas. Not so much the day of Christmas, but the preparation, the atmosphere, the expectation, in some ways it brings me back to when I was a kid. But it is also true that Christmas is the time in which if you don't have a special person in your life, if you don't have a great relationship with your family, and in general if you feel alone, everything gets amplified. I read once that the higher number of suicides during the year is exactly between Christmas and New Year. The fact is that you (or at least I, and as me also a lot of other people that I know) feel that you have to be happy around this time. So, if there is something wrong in your life, it just became more evident. And just more sad. One of my best friends always hated Christmas and got very down around this time. Now she has her own family, so I hope that this year will be better for her.

But I can't stop thinking about all the people that are alone, all the people that for one or another reason cannot be with their loved ones. I got an email from a friend of mine the other day. He wrote me that Christmas time makes him feeling very sad, because if he always more or less manages to cope with the fact that since quite sometime he doesn't have a girlfriend, around Christmas he only notices happy couples....And I met this old lady on the street today. She asked me if I was going back to Italy to celebrate Christmas and I said, yes of course. And she told me that her daughter will not visit her because "she has too much work to do" and because "she doesn't like here, she thinks that Paris is much better" and she concluded "I will celebrate Christmas with my cats". She looked like she was used to this, no news there. Maybe I am over-sensitive, and for sure I get over-sensitive around Christmas time, but I felt like hugging her. Come on, Paris is only four hours from here and her daughter cannot find a day to visit her mother during Christmas time?

Last year my Christmas-New Year was horrible. I was very, very down, and I just wanted to be...instead, because of family reunions, and I didn't want to upset my family etc, I had to try to smile and get along, even if I didn't really feel like (I have to admit that I didn't succeed very well in faking my mood)....

I love Christmas, but I always get to this time of the year very tired....and feeling lonely...I am looking forward anyway to go to Italy and hug my mom, my sister, and my grandma.

And if you feel a bit blue, just check out this great Christmas song :-) (from the movie Love Actually).

King of California

France, night

When I got the movie "sunshine cleaning" the other day (a movie that I liked a lot), the guy at the dvd store suggested me to watch "King of California". I was not too convinced, but then tonight I felt for a movie and I thought, why not?

This movie is more than nice. It is sweet and warm, without being too much in any sense. It is not just a comedy. It is a movie that touched me. It is about dreaming, even when it seems silly. It is about believing in someone and something. It is not a pretentious movie, with unbelievable characters. Yes, the characters are weird, but along the movie you get the chance to became affectionate to them. It is a movie that made me feel wanting to hug Michael Douglas at the end. And he is great in his acting here!!!!

I love the parallel of how the places and people look like in the historical diary and in current times in the movie...

I don't think that everyone would like it. It is not a typical comedy, it is not a fast catchy movie where a lot happens. I wouldn't suggest it to anyone in my family for example. But I really got attached to the characters (I know, it sounds weird).....

The end of the game

France, morning

I forgot to say that they killed me....In the office...and the whole thing was really funny. I actually enjoyed being killed.

The guys (the other team) found out where I work, called the office to make sure that I was there, and then waited for me to send a post on the game list to know that I was sitting in front of the computer.

Then they came to the office and they splashed me....but the most funny part of it, funny at least for me, is that they made a mistake first and they splashed someone else, with quite some water...so when they got to me, there was not too much left over...The day after I got killed, a friend of mine wrote me an email saying: I think I got the water that was for you". Apparently, this guy who never saw me before, thought that she was me. He even asked her if she was me and she said no....but he didn't believe her....so, he splashed her.....I am not sure if she wants to hang around with me anymore :-), especially if I would play this game again.....

Yesterday (to celebrate the end of the game? to celebrate Christmas getting closer? for no reason?), I invited a few people to my place and I made a few cakes. I hate cooking, but I love making cookies and cakes and in general sweet things. I made a very good tiramisu'....of course, I couldn't try it, because I can't have milk products, but the others liked it a lot. So I thought of leaving my tiramisu' recipe here....I wanted to make an upgrade version with the chocolate, but I forgot the chocolate melting on the stove...and it burned....

I realized something....getting older means that if you go to bed at 2am, in the morning you look (or at least I look) like a truck drove over me a couple of times....

I will call my tiramisu', Tuscan Tiramisu':
-500 gr Mascarpone (which is an Italian creamy cheese)
-4 eggs
-5 full large spoons of sugar
-coffee
-Pavesini (the pavesini are the best cookies to make tiramisu', but the lady fingers would do too)

Mix in one bowl the mascarpone with the sugar, and the yolk of the four eggs. Mix it till you get a creamy product.
In another bowl mix the egg white of 3 eggs till you have a consistent white product (how do you call this in English? In Italian we say: montare le chiare a neve"). Throw the egg white of the 4th egg. Mix this compound to the creamy product.

Prepare the coffee, put it on a soup plate, and add a tea spoon of sugar to it.
Pass each cookie quickly in the coffee. Let the cookie absorb the coffee, but don't let it soak in the coffee. Pass one cookie in the coffee and put it in the container, another cookie in the coffee and then in the container. Use a large container, like the ones for the oven, and start filling it with one layer of cookies, then one layer of the compound (creamy+egg white), then cookies again, then the compound again, till you have about 2-3 layers (more, it gets too heavy). End up covering it with some chocolate powder.

I hope that my explanation is clear enough....
Enjoy it and let me know if it came out well!!!

You are becoming an ugly person

France, night

Yesterday my sister's husband told me after lunch that being alone, without a boyfriend here, without a regular, normal relationship, living alone and liking my life alone, I am becoming an uglier person.

And he didn't mean uglier for the way I look (beside the fact that I don't shave my legs since a couple of weeks, and I am sure that if someone would see that, he wouldn't think that it is very nice), he really intended as a person. I am becoming, according to him, a worst person because I spend too much time on my own and I actually like it. He left me speechless. First, because I don't think that it is absolutely true, but of course, I may be quite biased about that. Second, because I was so surprised by what he said to even think that he would deserve a reply on the topic.

Today, when this topic came out again, he said that what he really wanted to express was that the longer someone lives alone and likes it, the more difficult will be to compromise and have a relationship. Which may well be. But I am not sure that being with someone just for being with someone who lives here would be a good solution either. Or that would make me happier than I am.

I am 34 years old and I still have people who tell me how I should live my life, what I should do to improve it, or that prefer to not talk about divergent opinions on things. Which would be ok if these people would have an idea of who I am as a person, what I think and what my dreams are. It is not ok when what I do or think is making me a worst person because I don't follow the general standards.....

How many people can say that they are living the life that they wanted to live? of course, it is not perfect. Of course, sometimes I feel very lonely and I miss that special person who looks at me like there are not coolest person in the world and makes me feel that after all I don't really come from Mars and that even if I would, it wouldn't actually matter to him. Of course, I miss that. And I miss to hide in the arms of my love when I feel like. And I miss my old time friends. And I start to deal not so well with the uncertainties of this job and the idea of having to start my life again maybe in another place. Of course, I would like to have more time for myself. Of course, some days I am very very scared and pessimistic. Of course, I feel all this and more.

Would I like to change my life if I could? NO.
Would I like to change the way I am, especially lately, if I could? NO
Would I like to change my job if I could? NO

And so why people before to give me advices on what I should do to improve my life, don't take the same time to try to see who I really am, what I like, and what my dreams are?
Why do I get frustrated when these people give me advices about things without considering if I am really happy or not with what I have? Because I care about them and their opinion, and in my mind I still hope one day to be able to share my dreams and my ideas with these people and that they will be able to love me for whom I am and not just because they are part of my family or because they need me in their lives.

The right attitude

France, night

I am convinced that you need the right attitude for anything in life you want to achieve. If you want to kill someone, you have to feel like a hunter, wait for your pray patiently and then attack at the right time and the right moment.

And if you have to write, I believe that you need these special ingredients: good music that would inspire you (I can't find any inspiring music tonight....no matter how much I want to get into the right attitude), right environment (right light [not too bright, not too dim], comfortable place to write [not too comfortable otherwise there is always the risk to fall asleep]), a good cup of tea [or coffee in case you really need help to keep your eyes open], and comfortable clothes.

My comfortable house clothes are, according to all the people who had the chance to see me in those clothes, very awful. Very warm and comfortable, but apparently also very ugly (ok, but nothing even close to this orange dress of the picture). I wonder if I would live with someone one day (and I don't mean just a friend), how I could avoid after a while to slip back into my comfortable extra-large shapeless poncho, my large shapeless training suite pants, my tick socks, and my sleepers.....I think that this will be the real test to see if the person loves me. If he can stand this and still desire to kiss me and touch me, then it has to be true love.

Anyway, I am getting out of the track. The point is, I have everything tonight. The right environment, the right clothes, the tea, I am surrounded by books to help me writing, I may even have found the right tunes to have as a background to write, and????

Nothing...no motivation and no inspiration (and I don't mean to write this blog. I mean to write something for work, which in my mind had to be done by tomorrow).....I even missed a party to stay in and write this thing....

I wonder how the writers cope with the lack of inspiration.....maybe they never lack inspiration....

Hunting and being hunt

France, evening

Les Assassins, the killers, started last night at midnight. Two girls of my team have already been killed. None of the other team (men) has been killed...yet....

Well, I have been out hunting this evening. The plan was perfect. I was with a girl of my team. The location was perfect. We had a partner to help us knowing the movements of this guy of the other team....so, we sat in our hiding place and we waited. My hiding place was one of these small plastic houses for kids. I am small, so I could fit in there. My team-mate was hiding at the bottom of some stairs. It was freezing cold outside (and in the plastic house too) and very very humid....but it didn't matter so much, we were on a hunting territory, completely equipped with our water guns and ready to run if necessary to hunt down the enemy.

The truth is:
a) Being in a place without moving and without making noise is not in my DNA....I have to move...and when you are in a small kid house is not that easy....

b) I am just too clumsy and I shouldn't put myself in hiding place which would require a minimum of agility to get out quickly.

After an hour and half waiting in the cold, I got to think that maybe there was a secrete exit from where this guy escaped....but no, here he was.....I was ready. I was ready. I was ready....Adrenalin running....gun in my hand.....more than ready....I let him stepping a but further, so that I could get him from the back....3-2-1......GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO....

What happened? To get out of the small kid house, I hit with one of my foot the door of the house, I tried to not fall on my face, stepping a bit ahead and making a lot of noise, the guy heard me and escaped running, I tried not to fall, I lost my glasses and I got smashed on the floor....

This is the diary of my first hunting experience in this game...very successful....too bad nobody was there filming...I am sure that the whole scene would have been very funny to see....

PS. It could even be that after this very intense experience tomorrow my team-mate and me are going to be sick due to the hour and half spent in the cold without moving that much.....