man from whom to expect nothing

Lucca (Italy), night

While I wait for the movie of Sex and the City, I also keep watching romantic comedies. Tonight I saw one of them. And I ended up crying. This evening I also had a nice talk with a friend (I hope I didn't sound too cynical in what I said).

I start to realize something. When you are used to receive nothing or little or something nice but not on a stable base, whatever thing you get is a present and it is a great thing, a sign of love. When you are used to someone who doesn't send you nice sms or nice emails with words of love, the day he sends you one, you just get so happy that you feel like he asked you to live together. Because when you are with a man from whom to expect nothing, whatever nice thing you receive, you feel like you probably did something extremely special to deserve it. Like if all the days and nights waiting for a nice sms from him or a word, hoping that he will open his eyes and realize how important you are in his life, made the miracle happening. He wrote you something nice. Even better, he said something nice. Even more, he said I love you. And then you start to think that if someone like him, someone who is so emotionally unstable arrives to the point of doing something nice and showing some love...then he really has to mean it. Otherwise why to break a standard of nothingness or littleness? And that small thing is enough to start to dream about an happy future together, is enough to start to think that it can be the right moment, the moment in which things will change and they will change for better.

If I became cynical and I have problem to see love even when it is in front of my face, it is because too often after these moments, a pattern of discontinuity started again. A pattern in which you are pushed away and then pulled close, depending on the mood. And I am someone who is naturally afraid of commitment (thing this that is just getting worst and worst), but I dream of the day in which I will finally invest on a person who shows me that I have no reason to be afraid, because he is there and he wants to be there today and tomorrow.

And I realized another thing. When you, a woman, grow up with a father who is absent, who gives you nothing, who makes you feel always inadequate, who makes you feel you have to do something special to deserve his love, then you will accept whatever sign of love as a present, especially if it comes from someone for whom you are in love too. You feel you don't deserve it. And this is why I know a lot of women who keep loving men who give them little or give them no stability or commitment. All these women feel they don't deserve them, they don't deserve their commitment.

I end this blog saying that I am one of these women. No matter how old I am, I still put myself in situations in which I can spend nights waiting for a call, staring at the cellphone. And I know that I am not the only one. And it doesn't matter how great my life is, how good I am in my work or how much I achieved in other fields, I still feel I am not good enough to be loved the way I am, for long time and in a stable, constant (which doesn't need to be boring or a cage) way.