Saturday morning.
It was so warm and nice in my bed that I didn't want to get out of it.
But I have a technician coming to my place this morning.
Why?
Because I rented this place at the beginning of December 2011 and I still have problems with finding water on the kitchen floor.....I had to apply a scientific method to find out from where the water comes from, how often and how much. Now that I tackled down the source of the problem (the same that it was repaired over a month ago....how did they repair it???), I have to push my landlord to actually do something to fix it.
It is not pleasant to wake up every morning before 7am to go to work and have to dry out the floor because of the water. It is even more unpleasant when I have to get out of bed in a very cold morning, because old Portuguese houses don't have heating systems, and the first thing I see is a pool of water on the floor.......
Lately, often on saturday morning I have someone coming to just see what to do to fix some problems in the apartment. It is very funny the proceeding adopted here when there is a problem to fix: we look at it, we discuss about it for a couple of days or even weeks, then the landlord sends someone who try to fix the thing but apparently don't fully fix it, and after three days the problem is there again and we start over with the whole thing.
Patience, patience, patience....
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Portugal- settling down
Long absence from the blogsphere. This has been due to many different things, among which first of all is the lack of a proper and stable internet connection. Another country to which I have to adapt again. Another country and another culture. And this is the seventh time that I change place to live. It starts to be a bit too much. And I want to move North, not South. In any case, Portugal is not bad for what I can see so far.
GENERAL OBSERVATIONS: The food is really good, people are generally friendly and I have a beautiful apartment in front of the Ocean. I can wake up every single day with a view on the Ocean and this re-pays me in some way of the days in which I struggle a lot and I just wish to be somewhere else. The difficult part for me is to be in a country where the mentality of the people reminds me a lot of Italy…..and not in a positive way. If you ever wonder why some countries are doing so badly economically, the answer is there, in front of the eyes. Here, it doesn’t matter that there is a system with some rules. The rules are made to not be followed if this means creating any sort of problem for the single person. An example. My landlord and his partner/wife/whatever are both judges, so they should in theory represent the law. We spent about 2 months debating about me renting this apartment or not because he didn’t want to give me any sort of contract. Why? To avoid paying taxes on the rent. He drives an expensive car, he dresses in a fancy way, etc. etc. And paying taxes doesn’t suit him well. So, why bothering? You can try to explain to him that everything is connected and if people don’t pay taxes, especially the ones who make a lot of money, the country will always face economic problems…..his answer will be “well, everyone does that”…well, exactly my point. The country is sinking. And this is a general example that stands for a lot of other examples. People do not get out of their way for the benefit of the community. Of course. How long since I moved here? Not even a month. So, this is my first impression and it may be totally wrong. But I get the feeling that instead my impression is getting reinforced every single day more and more.
Don’t take me wrong. People are really, really nice and helpful and friendly. But they wouldn’t get out of their way for the benefit of other or of the community. This is my general impression.
THE LANGUAGE: I wonder if I will ever learn to speak Portuguese. To me, this language sounds like a Spanish dialect. I know that it may sound bad and I should appreciate each language in its individuality, but I can understand Portuguese with a minimum effort. And this because it is like a mixture between Italian and Spanish. This is what it sounds to me. So, when I try to speak, what it comes out is Spanish with some Portuguese words. This is not speaking a language. Of course, I would like to learn it….I just wonder on how I can convince my brain to leave my knowledge of Spanish aside and consider this as a new, unique on its own, language.
CARS AND PUBLIC TRANSPORT: After 10 years without a car, I feel that here I will need to get a car. I can go to work by using public transport: the metro and then a bus. It takes me about an hour to go and get back to work, but this is also because I want to walk to the metro, and it takes me about 20-30 minutes to get there. I don’t need a car in my daily life, but a car here is necessary to actually have a comfortable life. It certainly has something to do with the fact that I live in something much closer to a small village than a city, but still, the fact is that a car is necessary if I want to have a normal life. For example. There is not a movie theater here. There is a theater in which one a week they show one movie in the evening. But there is not too much choice. There is not even a place where I could rent dvds. Not even in the next village. And for this, I strongly miss the cultural possibilities offered by Montpellier. If I want to take advantages or not of these opportunities is my choice, but at least I could chose. Here, sometimes I feel a bit stuck. On the other hand, while the need of owning a car represents some sort of problem to me, as I don’t like to be in the condition of needing a car mostly for environmental reasons, people here seem to love driving. I have never seen a place with so many cars as it is here….of course, with the exception of the USA. Everyone here drives. They may even drive an hour and a half just to go to eat some place. Come on, it sounds so much like something that would happen in the USA. But there in many places, things are scattered around, so I can in some way see the need for that. But here things are not so far apart, but it is just that everyone drives and drives so fast that biking to a place may be at your own risk. Bikes are not used for transport. Bikes are leisure. Maybe it will change with time, but I feel that people here love their shiny and expensive cars. Another difference that I notice coming from France. Many expensive cars going around. Don’t ask me how people can afford them with their salaries here. But it is a fact; there are many cars, and many expensive cars.
In any case, people are so used to drive everywhere, even for short distances, that if you ask to a Portuguese how far is to walk to some place, for sure, it is always too far to walk. This happened to me yesterday in Porto. It was a beautiful sunny day, perfect for a walk. I had to go to a garden to meet some people and I asked how long it would take me to walk there from the metro station where I got out. The first two people to whom I asked, they didn’t even know how to get there by walk….walk??? They looked at me like I come from Mars. The third person to whom I asked knew the way. He gave me the indications but he also pointed out that the place where I wanted to go was very, very far away to walk there. At the end, it was just 15 minutes walk.
Cultural differences (well, cultural differences….in some places in Italy, I guess I would experience the same)!
SOCIAL INTERACTION: The hardest part of starting a new life somewhere is the lack of friends in the place where I moved to. I suffer that a lot. I am a solitary person, but I want to choose when to be alone and when to be with friends. Thanks God, there is couchsurf. I am starting to consider couchsurf my life-saver in terms of mental health. I need to meet people outside my working environment. My past experiences taught me that it is healthy to have friends outside work, or at least, also outside work. But of course, it always takes time to meet people and meet the right people, with whom I could get along and become friends and actually want to spend time with. And I find this process always very frustrating. Because I had friends in the previous place where I was living and I had to leave them to move somewhere else where I have to start from the beginning….and I guess that starting a new life can be exciting, but not necessarily if the old life was not so bad after all.
Another thing that makes me wanting to meet people outside the work environment is that where I work most of the people are couples. I don’t mean that they all have a boyfriend and a girlfriend, which would be normal. What I mean is that in my working environment, most of the people there are part of a couple with someone else who works there. There is a kind of closure and of a “big brother” atmosphere that I don’t consider too healthy. So, while I like some of the people I work with a lot, I also feel that for my mental health, it is good if I also do things on my own or with other people. On top of this, I already experienced unfortunately that being the only single girl in a group of couple makes you immediately like a threaten to some other women. Southern European women may be very territorial….and I know this well, being a Southern European woman myself. In my short permanence here, I already learned that I may better to not get too friendly with any of the guys working with me because a) people talk a lot, as always in a very close environment where you are the last one arrived to a very well established and close group of friends, and b) I may start to have problems with some of the other girls just because I am friendly and I don’t have a boyfriend.
Gosh, this is very stressful, because I quickly learned to move in a very careful way. But it is stressful.
Anyway, what I am trying to say, even if I listed a lot of difficult/negative things, is that I am trying to settle down here and find a way to have a nice life here too, trying to learn at the speed of light what to do, how to move, what to say, etc. And hopefully, everything will work out for the best, as it always does at the end, even if at the beginning I have to struggle a lot.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Overenergetic
I have too much energy. I don't know why, but I often look like I am on some exciting drugs...instead, it is all natural...a lot of people envy this surplus of energy and I agree that it is a useful tool, because I always manage to do million things in a day....the thing is that I also need to manage this surplus of energy very well, because when I don't use it, I risk to get very down, very paranoid, I don't sleep well and I get agitated, very stressed, and nervous very easily....
Of course, in general I have a life-style which allows me to burn all the energetic surplus. I wake up and I do abs and push up, then I walk very fast to and from work (20 minutes each way), then I work a lot, and in the evening I always dance a little at home or I do some other activities...anyway, in general managing the overenergetic me is not a problem. I do a lot of sport and everything fits well in place..and I can smile at the world.
The problem is when I am in holidays or when I don't have my own life.
In the last 3 months I have been living either in hotels or at some friends place. And while I am very thankful to my friends for having hosted me and I am very happy for my trip in Costa Rica, it is also true that it was much more difficult to have a routine to avoid building up too much stress and energy. Plus, I had too much time to think during my holidays alone in Costa Rica.....and since for me thinking too much always ends up in some kind of paranoia, I really needed a lot of sport to keep myself under control and in a good mental shape....
In Costa Rica, I hiked a lot, and tried stand up board paddling. I had plenty of occasions to do some outdoor activity. It was very easy. The problem was when I got back to Portugal, and in Montpellier after and now in Italy. Fortunately, I brought my running shoes with me.
I went running tonight and I am so proud of myself. Not only I was impressed of still being in a good shape, I ran very well and my mood improved in an incredible fast way. Sometimes I get so down and stressed that I forget how badly I need sport to keep myself balanced.
Anyway, my wish to everyone for this new coming year is to have a very healthy 2012.
I have to keep in mind to hit the road regularly, no matter what the weather outside is, to be in good mental and physical shape!
Happy 2012!!!!
Of course, in general I have a life-style which allows me to burn all the energetic surplus. I wake up and I do abs and push up, then I walk very fast to and from work (20 minutes each way), then I work a lot, and in the evening I always dance a little at home or I do some other activities...anyway, in general managing the overenergetic me is not a problem. I do a lot of sport and everything fits well in place..and I can smile at the world.
The problem is when I am in holidays or when I don't have my own life.
In the last 3 months I have been living either in hotels or at some friends place. And while I am very thankful to my friends for having hosted me and I am very happy for my trip in Costa Rica, it is also true that it was much more difficult to have a routine to avoid building up too much stress and energy. Plus, I had too much time to think during my holidays alone in Costa Rica.....and since for me thinking too much always ends up in some kind of paranoia, I really needed a lot of sport to keep myself under control and in a good mental shape....
In Costa Rica, I hiked a lot, and tried stand up board paddling. I had plenty of occasions to do some outdoor activity. It was very easy. The problem was when I got back to Portugal, and in Montpellier after and now in Italy. Fortunately, I brought my running shoes with me.
I went running tonight and I am so proud of myself. Not only I was impressed of still being in a good shape, I ran very well and my mood improved in an incredible fast way. Sometimes I get so down and stressed that I forget how badly I need sport to keep myself balanced.
Anyway, my wish to everyone for this new coming year is to have a very healthy 2012.
I have to keep in mind to hit the road regularly, no matter what the weather outside is, to be in good mental and physical shape!
Happy 2012!!!!
Thursday, December 8, 2011
..and life keeps going on...
I couldn't have believed this if someone would have told me.
I couldn't even imagine it.
A month and a half ago I left Montpellier crying to move to Portugal. I spent a week there before leaving for Costa Rica and then another week there before coming back to Montpellier for a few weeks. And I miss there already. I was sad to leave Portugal and I didn't feel I was coming back to a familiar place by arriving here in Montpellier, where I am now. Of course, I am happy to see my friends here, but it doesn't feel like I have been living here for three years. And I liked here. I just think to like Portugal more. I just feel that I could maybe be even happier in Portugal than here. Of course, everything seems so good in Portugal that I am scared....it can't keep being so good all the time...can it??? it would be too good....
Yes, I have a problem with my apartment and the day I left there I woke up to find my kitchen full of water on the floor. Yes, I am not settled there fully. But still. I like there. I love to be on the Ocean...it reminds me of a very very small version of Ocean Beach in San Francisco. I love the food. People are nice. People at work seem nice. Yes, the economy there falls apart....and still, I am optimist.
It feels so weird.....a month and a half ago I felt like I wanted to keep my life here in Montpellier and now that I am back to Montpellier for a few weeks, I don't feel any specific attachment to this place, except the attachment to a few people who live here.
Maybe I move so much from one place to the other, that my body automatically learned to adapt to a new place and make a life where I am living at the moment. I still think that it is very weird. It never happened so fast. Beginnings have always been very difficult for me.
Anyway, I am slowly back to blogging...I have to write down something about Costa Rica too...
I couldn't even imagine it.
A month and a half ago I left Montpellier crying to move to Portugal. I spent a week there before leaving for Costa Rica and then another week there before coming back to Montpellier for a few weeks. And I miss there already. I was sad to leave Portugal and I didn't feel I was coming back to a familiar place by arriving here in Montpellier, where I am now. Of course, I am happy to see my friends here, but it doesn't feel like I have been living here for three years. And I liked here. I just think to like Portugal more. I just feel that I could maybe be even happier in Portugal than here. Of course, everything seems so good in Portugal that I am scared....it can't keep being so good all the time...can it??? it would be too good....
Yes, I have a problem with my apartment and the day I left there I woke up to find my kitchen full of water on the floor. Yes, I am not settled there fully. But still. I like there. I love to be on the Ocean...it reminds me of a very very small version of Ocean Beach in San Francisco. I love the food. People are nice. People at work seem nice. Yes, the economy there falls apart....and still, I am optimist.
It feels so weird.....a month and a half ago I felt like I wanted to keep my life here in Montpellier and now that I am back to Montpellier for a few weeks, I don't feel any specific attachment to this place, except the attachment to a few people who live here.
Maybe I move so much from one place to the other, that my body automatically learned to adapt to a new place and make a life where I am living at the moment. I still think that it is very weird. It never happened so fast. Beginnings have always been very difficult for me.
Anyway, I am slowly back to blogging...I have to write down something about Costa Rica too...
Monday, October 17, 2011
Sad, sad, sad, sad......
I am sad. I am definitively very sad. I spent many hours yesterday just crying.
The day of my departure from Montpellier to Portugal finally arrived.
And I cried, as expected of course.
I am going to miss some of the people I met and got close to here. I am going to miss them a lot.
I wish I could have a life in a place where I like and where I can also have a job and that all the people I miss who live around the world could come there and spend a lot of time with me.
I love sharing things with people who mean something in my life and once I move, it is never the same. Distance sucks. In friendship and romantic relationship. It just sucks.
I hate moving because of all the people I grew attached too and I have to leave behind. I bring them in my heart with me, but certainly it is not the same.
Every time, no matter where I live, it is always very painful to leave.
The day of my departure from Montpellier to Portugal finally arrived.
And I cried, as expected of course.
I am going to miss some of the people I met and got close to here. I am going to miss them a lot.
I wish I could have a life in a place where I like and where I can also have a job and that all the people I miss who live around the world could come there and spend a lot of time with me.
I love sharing things with people who mean something in my life and once I move, it is never the same. Distance sucks. In friendship and romantic relationship. It just sucks.
I hate moving because of all the people I grew attached too and I have to leave behind. I bring them in my heart with me, but certainly it is not the same.
Every time, no matter where I live, it is always very painful to leave.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Costa Rica
Planning, planning, planning. But this is fun.
I spent a couple of hours looking for scuba diving places and parks in Costa Rica. Thinking of what I would like to see while there, what I can't miss, how to get around, etc. It is very exciting and I am very looking forward to this trip......The more I read about, the more I feel I should stay there for some months, not just for three weeks....ok, three weeks is a beginning....but it looks like there are so many things to see and to do....many things that I would like to see and to do and the nature must be so beautiful there.
I am really enjoying this part of planning where to go and what to see when I will be there!
I am fidgety. I always am. I don't even know how to find some peace in myself for longer than just some minutes. For that, I need to be in a forest, on a beach staring at the sea, in a place without obstacles to the view, maybe in a desert. I need to be walking along Ocean Beach in San Francisco, or bike without scope, goal or a place to go in Holland. I am re-reading the book of Jovanotti "Il grande boh!", which is quite in line with the way I feel lately and right now and with the way I feel about this lonely trip to Costa Rica.
I think that I will take my bike and bike for some hours along the river till I will be very very tired but my mind will be more relaxed and clean of all the thoughts that are always there and they never leave me alone.
The first thing I will do when I will be based in Portugal will be to get a good bike to bike around.
I spent a couple of hours looking for scuba diving places and parks in Costa Rica. Thinking of what I would like to see while there, what I can't miss, how to get around, etc. It is very exciting and I am very looking forward to this trip......The more I read about, the more I feel I should stay there for some months, not just for three weeks....ok, three weeks is a beginning....but it looks like there are so many things to see and to do....many things that I would like to see and to do and the nature must be so beautiful there.
I am really enjoying this part of planning where to go and what to see when I will be there!
I am fidgety. I always am. I don't even know how to find some peace in myself for longer than just some minutes. For that, I need to be in a forest, on a beach staring at the sea, in a place without obstacles to the view, maybe in a desert. I need to be walking along Ocean Beach in San Francisco, or bike without scope, goal or a place to go in Holland. I am re-reading the book of Jovanotti "Il grande boh!", which is quite in line with the way I feel lately and right now and with the way I feel about this lonely trip to Costa Rica.
I think that I will take my bike and bike for some hours along the river till I will be very very tired but my mind will be more relaxed and clean of all the thoughts that are always there and they never leave me alone.
The first thing I will do when I will be based in Portugal will be to get a good bike to bike around.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
I really need this trip
I am looking forward to my trip in Costa Rica in November. It is not only because I am looking forward to see a new country, to possibly see many cool animals, to discover something I don't know yet, but also because I really need some time out of everything, out of what it is my life right now. And not because I don't like it, but because I keep being overwhelmed by not being able to even rest and enjoy a place. This moving to Portugal is shaking me to the bottom of myself. I can't find a way to be happy and excited as I should be. I keep thinking that I don't want to leave here and my life here. Because even if my life here is not perfect and there is a lot of room for improvement, overall I like it. It makes me feel comfortable. Maybe in a couple of years I would be bored and I would like to move, but for now I feel that I just started feeling home here and I have to leave.
Of course, I could stay here and find whatever job. But then why here? why here versus somewhere in Holland or in San Francisco, which are certainly places that I love more than here. Beside, I invested so much on my work that right now it would be completely stupid to throw everything away to stay here for no reason except that I don't want to move again. If I would have a relationship with someone, there would be at least a personal deep connection here. But there is not even that. I just don't want to move. Simply that.
I don't want to have to think about it, I don't want to get nervous the more the time passes by and I think about all the things that I would like to do here and I am not doing for various reasons. My life is magic and wonderful, but all this moving is making it also very very difficult. It is difficult to keep friendships or relationships with the distance, it is more and more difficult starting over again and again in a new country in a new place and having to re-make a new life there when my old life here is not so bad after all.
I can't get used to the idea of moving and this trip to Costa Rica hopefully will help me to have some time for myself out of everything that now is a source of stress and a lot of thoughts for me.
Of course, I could stay here and find whatever job. But then why here? why here versus somewhere in Holland or in San Francisco, which are certainly places that I love more than here. Beside, I invested so much on my work that right now it would be completely stupid to throw everything away to stay here for no reason except that I don't want to move again. If I would have a relationship with someone, there would be at least a personal deep connection here. But there is not even that. I just don't want to move. Simply that.
I don't want to have to think about it, I don't want to get nervous the more the time passes by and I think about all the things that I would like to do here and I am not doing for various reasons. My life is magic and wonderful, but all this moving is making it also very very difficult. It is difficult to keep friendships or relationships with the distance, it is more and more difficult starting over again and again in a new country in a new place and having to re-make a new life there when my old life here is not so bad after all.
I can't get used to the idea of moving and this trip to Costa Rica hopefully will help me to have some time for myself out of everything that now is a source of stress and a lot of thoughts for me.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Emotionally unavailable men
I am 36 and even if I do not have large experience when it comes to relationships and men, I can say that I have a bit of experience on this subject and that my experience is based on a sample size coming from many different parts of the world.
I had few very important relationships in my life. Two with someone from Italy, one with someone from Holland and one with someone from the USA. Plus, I base what I am about to write also on the experience of my girlfriends and sister.
Where are all the men/men gone? I am not talking about the dominant, bossy men, of course.
I am talking about men we could rely on and build something with, without them having a crisis and leaving us, without them not knowing what they really want, without them not being able to decide when it comes to important matters, without them not being able to distinguish between deep love and infatuation.
Of the four important relationship I mentioned before, three of them were with very good, incredible men. And I loved all of them very deeply, even if in a different way. I am someone for whom freedom is one very important value in life. I am someone who not easily gets into a relationship. I am someone who doesn't easily fall in love, and even less is willing to commit. I am complicated and I am very independent. I understand that I am not the ideal "couple" person. But when I am in a relationship, I am 100% in there. And I try, even if I don't always succeed, to work my issues with the other person.
What I am coming to realize lately is that most men I have met, my sister have met, my girlfriends have met are emotionally immature and when it comes to relationships they have no idea of what exactly that means......I think that "us", women, we are more aware of how we feel for someone and what we would like to have with this person. Them...I am not sure. They can love you very much and still not being aware of that or still feel that "it should be different" or still have many doubts on what being together means. I have met a lot of men who are afraid of feelings and strong feelings. And it didn't just happen to me.
I wonder what it is the right strategy to deal with these men. I am not the kind of person who would convince them to be with me or on how they feel for me. I can't be in their minds and know how they feel. And I have too much self-respect to be with someone who is not sure if he wants to be with me or what he wants. But I keep finding myself being asked to invest more than them, running the relationship not as a team but as a carrier, me being sure of what I want and them not being so sure about me/us (and they never know why that). This till the moment the relationship is over and then they suddenly realize that they can't live without me or they want me back. By that time, I am almost always saturated of their insecurities and I am never fully able to trust them that they got emotionally "more mature". I am also very very tired to feel the psychotherapist of every man I am with....because they all have issues......
I have issues too!!! a lot of them, believe me!!!!
But the thing is...if I have issues (or my sister or any of my girlfriends) is "us" being too demanding, irrational, putting pressure on them (men love this!!!!), & company. If they have issues, we have to understand. Or anyway we end up trying to understand because we love them. We have this sick spirit of saving the world.
I admit that I am very good in making relationships difficult and probably most of the women when they love someone feel very insecure (well, me for sure!) that the person they love may leave them. But the thing is. It is many many years that I am having distance relationships (which honestly suck!!!!) and for sure I wouldn't know from where to start if I would have again a "normal"/ in the same place relationship, but I often end up with the feeling of running away from a relationship and just think about myself in a very selfish way because I am sick of the situation and the fact that all the guys I have been with ended up not knowing what they wanted from me and with me.
So, what I got to wonder is: does it exist out there a man who is man enough to know what he wants from the person he is with and honest enough to admit it to himself and tell her? And how come most of my girlfriends, my sister and I keep meeting men who are sentimentally totally immature?
I had few very important relationships in my life. Two with someone from Italy, one with someone from Holland and one with someone from the USA. Plus, I base what I am about to write also on the experience of my girlfriends and sister.
Where are all the men/men gone? I am not talking about the dominant, bossy men, of course.
I am talking about men we could rely on and build something with, without them having a crisis and leaving us, without them not knowing what they really want, without them not being able to decide when it comes to important matters, without them not being able to distinguish between deep love and infatuation.
Of the four important relationship I mentioned before, three of them were with very good, incredible men. And I loved all of them very deeply, even if in a different way. I am someone for whom freedom is one very important value in life. I am someone who not easily gets into a relationship. I am someone who doesn't easily fall in love, and even less is willing to commit. I am complicated and I am very independent. I understand that I am not the ideal "couple" person. But when I am in a relationship, I am 100% in there. And I try, even if I don't always succeed, to work my issues with the other person.
What I am coming to realize lately is that most men I have met, my sister have met, my girlfriends have met are emotionally immature and when it comes to relationships they have no idea of what exactly that means......I think that "us", women, we are more aware of how we feel for someone and what we would like to have with this person. Them...I am not sure. They can love you very much and still not being aware of that or still feel that "it should be different" or still have many doubts on what being together means. I have met a lot of men who are afraid of feelings and strong feelings. And it didn't just happen to me.
I wonder what it is the right strategy to deal with these men. I am not the kind of person who would convince them to be with me or on how they feel for me. I can't be in their minds and know how they feel. And I have too much self-respect to be with someone who is not sure if he wants to be with me or what he wants. But I keep finding myself being asked to invest more than them, running the relationship not as a team but as a carrier, me being sure of what I want and them not being so sure about me/us (and they never know why that). This till the moment the relationship is over and then they suddenly realize that they can't live without me or they want me back. By that time, I am almost always saturated of their insecurities and I am never fully able to trust them that they got emotionally "more mature". I am also very very tired to feel the psychotherapist of every man I am with....because they all have issues......
I have issues too!!! a lot of them, believe me!!!!
But the thing is...if I have issues (or my sister or any of my girlfriends) is "us" being too demanding, irrational, putting pressure on them (men love this!!!!), & company. If they have issues, we have to understand. Or anyway we end up trying to understand because we love them. We have this sick spirit of saving the world.
I admit that I am very good in making relationships difficult and probably most of the women when they love someone feel very insecure (well, me for sure!) that the person they love may leave them. But the thing is. It is many many years that I am having distance relationships (which honestly suck!!!!) and for sure I wouldn't know from where to start if I would have again a "normal"/ in the same place relationship, but I often end up with the feeling of running away from a relationship and just think about myself in a very selfish way because I am sick of the situation and the fact that all the guys I have been with ended up not knowing what they wanted from me and with me.
So, what I got to wonder is: does it exist out there a man who is man enough to know what he wants from the person he is with and honest enough to admit it to himself and tell her? And how come most of my girlfriends, my sister and I keep meeting men who are sentimentally totally immature?
Monday, August 29, 2011
A colder end of August day
I went to the beach yesterday evening. I am trying to enjoy as much as I can the things I love of here. I biked to the beach in the evening. I saw a stork and many many flamingoes...I am going to miss the bike path that goes to the beach so much!
I was colder at the beach. Windy. And this morning seems to be a perfect fall day, sunny and a bit chilly. It reminds me of the season I loved most when I was living in New Haven. The beginning of the fall, when the temperature started to be a bit colder, and the air in the morning was crispy. I loved to walk around when the weather was like that and I especially enjoyed the East Rock Park in the fall. I have so many nice memories of so many different places around the world.
I was colder at the beach. Windy. And this morning seems to be a perfect fall day, sunny and a bit chilly. It reminds me of the season I loved most when I was living in New Haven. The beginning of the fall, when the temperature started to be a bit colder, and the air in the morning was crispy. I loved to walk around when the weather was like that and I especially enjoyed the East Rock Park in the fall. I have so many nice memories of so many different places around the world.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
my stuff is moved
Vila do Conde...day four of this road-moving-trip.
I feel very uncomfortable in being in a country where I want to interact with people, I understand the language and I can't speak it. It doesn't happen too often, but when it does, I hate it. I got a book on quick sentences to learn in Portuguese to get around. It is a start. Then as soon as I will move here, learning the language will be one of the first things I will do.
Last night I had a bad crisis. And today too. I cried for some time without stop. I am not ready to move and mentally I guess I realized only now that I am seriously going to move my life to another country again. Yes, I have friends here, even a very good close friend here. Yes, there is the sea and hopefully I will find an apartment just a few streets away from it. Yes, the working environment is very stimulating. Yes, people of Portugal are generally very nice....yes, there are a lot of positive things and I can see all that. I also feel lucky in having got the grant to work here, possibly for long time, on my own project, when the economy is going worldwide so bad. I can see all the good things of this. It is not that I am ungrateful. But still. I am not ready to move. I am not ready to leave my old life behind. I am even less ready to leave the people I got attached to in these years. I know, there is skype and sms and emails. But it is not the same. Nothing can replace the real time spent together with someone I love or I am close to. Nothing can replace a real hug. In my life I found a few very good huggers. People who are able to hug me and make me feel part of something, not alone, as if I just got home. I have met one of these good huggers in Montpellier and I am sure I will miss hiding in his arms when I need. And then there are the people I shared these past three years with. They have been with me trough the break ups and the ups and downs of my life in these years and the surgery I had and the bad and good news at work. They have been with me, especially one girl. A few days ago I was very down and I spent an entire afternoon with her. We talked and then she showed me the pictures of her last trip. I felt connected and I loved it. The people I feel connected to are very precious to me.
I don't want to leave all this now. No matters what I will find here next. I am just not ready. I have many more things to live, share and experience in Montpellier before leaving. And yes, there are plane connections that are not too expensive, and it is not so far....but it will be not the same once I move, unfortunately. I wish I could live in a place I like where I could also have all the people who are important to me. I already know that this can never happen.
Today, to ease my being so agitate and sad, my mom and I went for more than a two hours walk along the beach and then this afternoon we relaxed at the beach, just reading and swimming in the ocean. It was good. I liked it....but it is weird and sad that right now I am not able to fully enjoy it. I am happy because I know that this is something I will enjoy of my life here, but I can't fully enjoy it now because I am aware of the fact that my life here will mean the end of my old life in Montpellier. And I don't like the idea too much.
I feel very uncomfortable in being in a country where I want to interact with people, I understand the language and I can't speak it. It doesn't happen too often, but when it does, I hate it. I got a book on quick sentences to learn in Portuguese to get around. It is a start. Then as soon as I will move here, learning the language will be one of the first things I will do.
Last night I had a bad crisis. And today too. I cried for some time without stop. I am not ready to move and mentally I guess I realized only now that I am seriously going to move my life to another country again. Yes, I have friends here, even a very good close friend here. Yes, there is the sea and hopefully I will find an apartment just a few streets away from it. Yes, the working environment is very stimulating. Yes, people of Portugal are generally very nice....yes, there are a lot of positive things and I can see all that. I also feel lucky in having got the grant to work here, possibly for long time, on my own project, when the economy is going worldwide so bad. I can see all the good things of this. It is not that I am ungrateful. But still. I am not ready to move. I am not ready to leave my old life behind. I am even less ready to leave the people I got attached to in these years. I know, there is skype and sms and emails. But it is not the same. Nothing can replace the real time spent together with someone I love or I am close to. Nothing can replace a real hug. In my life I found a few very good huggers. People who are able to hug me and make me feel part of something, not alone, as if I just got home. I have met one of these good huggers in Montpellier and I am sure I will miss hiding in his arms when I need. And then there are the people I shared these past three years with. They have been with me trough the break ups and the ups and downs of my life in these years and the surgery I had and the bad and good news at work. They have been with me, especially one girl. A few days ago I was very down and I spent an entire afternoon with her. We talked and then she showed me the pictures of her last trip. I felt connected and I loved it. The people I feel connected to are very precious to me.
I don't want to leave all this now. No matters what I will find here next. I am just not ready. I have many more things to live, share and experience in Montpellier before leaving. And yes, there are plane connections that are not too expensive, and it is not so far....but it will be not the same once I move, unfortunately. I wish I could live in a place I like where I could also have all the people who are important to me. I already know that this can never happen.
Today, to ease my being so agitate and sad, my mom and I went for more than a two hours walk along the beach and then this afternoon we relaxed at the beach, just reading and swimming in the ocean. It was good. I liked it....but it is weird and sad that right now I am not able to fully enjoy it. I am happy because I know that this is something I will enjoy of my life here, but I can't fully enjoy it now because I am aware of the fact that my life here will mean the end of my old life in Montpellier. And I don't like the idea too much.
Friday, August 19, 2011
moving- part three
We finally got to Vila do Conde, in Portugal.
From Burgos to get here we had to go up and down, up and down, up and down and so on for an infinite time across many mountains.....We had the same exact scenario for many hours....and unfortunately also the same music as we only bought a few cds of Zucchero and by now we listened to all of them many many times (and none of us likes radio very much)....I will need a detoxication from Zucchero after this trip.
The car was fully loaded with my things to move to Portugal. At the end I couldn't fit everything in there, but we managed to move a lot, the most important and heavier things for sure....now they are all in my friend garage, till when I will have my own apartment here.
I had a nice welcome as soon as I got here from a couple of people with whom I will work.
I also confirm my first impression that people of Portugal keep being very nice and drive very bad.
I miss Montpellier and the close people I have there....Today I passed from feeling home sick to being excited for this new life.
My mom's reaction after seeing how far is the place where I will be working from where I would like to leave make my mood dropping to the floor.....she didn't seem too happy about this change in my life....at the end the important thing is that I will be happy here...and I hope so, even if for now is difficult to leave people I grew attached too and my apartment and the things I like of Montpellier behind.
From Burgos to get here we had to go up and down, up and down, up and down and so on for an infinite time across many mountains.....We had the same exact scenario for many hours....and unfortunately also the same music as we only bought a few cds of Zucchero and by now we listened to all of them many many times (and none of us likes radio very much)....I will need a detoxication from Zucchero after this trip.
The car was fully loaded with my things to move to Portugal. At the end I couldn't fit everything in there, but we managed to move a lot, the most important and heavier things for sure....now they are all in my friend garage, till when I will have my own apartment here.
I had a nice welcome as soon as I got here from a couple of people with whom I will work.
I also confirm my first impression that people of Portugal keep being very nice and drive very bad.
I miss Montpellier and the close people I have there....Today I passed from feeling home sick to being excited for this new life.
My mom's reaction after seeing how far is the place where I will be working from where I would like to leave make my mood dropping to the floor.....she didn't seem too happy about this change in my life....at the end the important thing is that I will be happy here...and I hope so, even if for now is difficult to leave people I grew attached too and my apartment and the things I like of Montpellier behind.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
moving- part two
I am in Burgos right now.
Today it was a full, complicated day.
We drove in a pooring rain...we....my mom actually drove...she doesn't let me drive...never...
Anyway, the rain was pooring.
My mood was in full pms mood...
We stopped for lunch and we got ripped off.....The price we paid for lunch was higher than the amount we paid for one night in the hotel included breakfast for two people...
We got to Burgos and we got lost trying to find the hotel.
Immediately after I got a phone call from my bank in France telling me that for security reasons they had to block my atm card because it was among the cards that were possibly be used for frauds...fortunately I have with me another credit card, otherwise I would be without money....
Then I got a bad news about work.
Then I got my period, I went to buy some pads and I bought something gigantic, which I realized only too late that it was for people with bladder problems...
Then we finally set off my mom and I and we enjoyed Burgos, which is a very nice town with amazing monuments. We strolled along the river and it was relaxing...fortunately....but I guess not relaxing enough to stop my brain from thinking in a scattered nervous way about many things.....
Tomorrow we will head to Portugal, where I will leave my stuff.....
Today it was a full, complicated day.
We drove in a pooring rain...we....my mom actually drove...she doesn't let me drive...never...
Anyway, the rain was pooring.
My mood was in full pms mood...
We stopped for lunch and we got ripped off.....The price we paid for lunch was higher than the amount we paid for one night in the hotel included breakfast for two people...
We got to Burgos and we got lost trying to find the hotel.
Immediately after I got a phone call from my bank in France telling me that for security reasons they had to block my atm card because it was among the cards that were possibly be used for frauds...fortunately I have with me another credit card, otherwise I would be without money....
Then I got a bad news about work.
Then I got my period, I went to buy some pads and I bought something gigantic, which I realized only too late that it was for people with bladder problems...
Then we finally set off my mom and I and we enjoyed Burgos, which is a very nice town with amazing monuments. We strolled along the river and it was relaxing...fortunately....but I guess not relaxing enough to stop my brain from thinking in a scattered nervous way about many things.....
Tomorrow we will head to Portugal, where I will leave my stuff.....
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
moving,moving,moving
I am writing this post using my mom's little laptop....very cute, but my fingers are bigger than each of the letters, so to write every single world I need about 3 minutes of writing, deleting some additional letter that shouldn't have been there, writing again, etc. etc....basically, writing a single post will take me an hour :-(
I moved. Not definitively, but I am moving most of my stuff to Portugal already. Yesterday I felt very blue about it. No more pictures on the walls of my apartment, no more board on which to mimic the surfing, no more rollerblades, or books, or many summer dresses...not many things left in my apartment in Montpellier. All these things will spend the next months closed in boxes and left in a basement of a friend of mine in Portugal.
My schedule for the next months includes the following crazy trips across countries:
- Currently, a road trip with my mom to bring my stuff to Portugal. We left Montpellier today and we will be back on the 24. First stop, the one of today, Lleida, in Spain....where we found 37 degrees of temperature to wait for us....no matter what, we went for a long long walk...I needed some movements after so many hours in the car.
- Back to Montpellier till September 25, when I will go to Luxembourg for a week.
- Back to Montpellier again.
- Sometimes during the first two weeks of October, I will spend a long week end in Italy.
- Back to Montpellier till October 15 or 17
- Take a plane to move myself and my life to Portugal.
- November in Costa Rica, with a stop in the USA for a few days.
- Back to Portugal for a few days.
- December 8 I will have to be in Montpellier. I will stay for a few days and then
- Italy for Christmas
My life is going to be a bit scattered around, as always when I move from one country to another. I will miss the few close friends I made in Montpellier. I will truly miss some of these people. And I know that I am lucky because I already have friends where I will go in Portugal. I even have one very close friend there. But every time I move from a place to another, it is always hard to leave people I feel close to behind....I hope that we will be able to keep in touch and see each other, but of course it will be not the same and it makes me very very sad.
I guess that has someone told me recently, this is my life and I should be kind of used to it...but the truth is that every time is painful for me to leave people and things of my old life to which or to whom I am attached to to start a new life somewhere else.
PS. I really have problems with Spanish food...it is so much about meat and I do not really eat meat that much.....My mom and I got crazy tonight to find something to eat.....but we managed.
PPS. Next stop of this road trip: Burgos, tomorrow.
I moved. Not definitively, but I am moving most of my stuff to Portugal already. Yesterday I felt very blue about it. No more pictures on the walls of my apartment, no more board on which to mimic the surfing, no more rollerblades, or books, or many summer dresses...not many things left in my apartment in Montpellier. All these things will spend the next months closed in boxes and left in a basement of a friend of mine in Portugal.
My schedule for the next months includes the following crazy trips across countries:
- Currently, a road trip with my mom to bring my stuff to Portugal. We left Montpellier today and we will be back on the 24. First stop, the one of today, Lleida, in Spain....where we found 37 degrees of temperature to wait for us....no matter what, we went for a long long walk...I needed some movements after so many hours in the car.
- Back to Montpellier till September 25, when I will go to Luxembourg for a week.
- Back to Montpellier again.
- Sometimes during the first two weeks of October, I will spend a long week end in Italy.
- Back to Montpellier till October 15 or 17
- Take a plane to move myself and my life to Portugal.
- November in Costa Rica, with a stop in the USA for a few days.
- Back to Portugal for a few days.
- December 8 I will have to be in Montpellier. I will stay for a few days and then
- Italy for Christmas
My life is going to be a bit scattered around, as always when I move from one country to another. I will miss the few close friends I made in Montpellier. I will truly miss some of these people. And I know that I am lucky because I already have friends where I will go in Portugal. I even have one very close friend there. But every time I move from a place to another, it is always hard to leave people I feel close to behind....I hope that we will be able to keep in touch and see each other, but of course it will be not the same and it makes me very very sad.
I guess that has someone told me recently, this is my life and I should be kind of used to it...but the truth is that every time is painful for me to leave people and things of my old life to which or to whom I am attached to to start a new life somewhere else.
PS. I really have problems with Spanish food...it is so much about meat and I do not really eat meat that much.....My mom and I got crazy tonight to find something to eat.....but we managed.
PPS. Next stop of this road trip: Burgos, tomorrow.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Packing, packing, packing
Here we are.....moving again...don't know if it is for good or not....but this is the way it is....The other day a guy wondered why I am so down about leaving here and moving again, as I should be used to this by now....this is after all pretty much as it has been for me in the last 10 years.
But I am not used to this and moving didn't get easier and easier with time. It just actually got harder. I was just starting to put my roots here. I have some very good friends here (a few days ago, I just skipped one afternoon at work, to spend it all with one of these good friends of mine), I love the fact that my life here doesn't depend on a car and I car bike everywhere, I have my favorite bookstore (which is a very important life essential for me), my favorite bakery, my favorite beach place, I like the people I am working with, and even if I am not totally crazy about Montpellier, I do like it here and I did like spending the last three years here.
I am a bit blue in these days because of this moving.
And I hate, deeply hate, to see all my books in boxes. I have a very few material things in my life, exactly because I keep moving all the time, and I developed a profound attachment to these material things...my books are among these things. And I hate to have them in boxes, it makes me feel like if a part of me was in a cage.
I am also excited about starting a new life in a new country, learning a new language, spending time with some very good friends I already have there. But still...it is a change that I would have honestly avoided right now. But the job market is currently so bad, and this new job may represent a good opportunity for me that I can't be too picky. I will have to come here often, as I will keep collaborating for work with people here, and to visit some of my friends, but it will not be the same. And I will miss my apartment. I really like the cozy nest that I made for myself. It is just me and when I step in here, every time I truly feel home. I was the same when I was leaving in the USA. Leaving my apartment was very very hard, as I liked a lot and I loved living there.
I will be ok and I am sure that I will find things to love about my new place and my new life, but it is always hard to leave people I love and my current life (as it has been in the last three years) behind and start new again. For sure my life is never, ever boring, as it changes so much, all the time!
But I am not used to this and moving didn't get easier and easier with time. It just actually got harder. I was just starting to put my roots here. I have some very good friends here (a few days ago, I just skipped one afternoon at work, to spend it all with one of these good friends of mine), I love the fact that my life here doesn't depend on a car and I car bike everywhere, I have my favorite bookstore (which is a very important life essential for me), my favorite bakery, my favorite beach place, I like the people I am working with, and even if I am not totally crazy about Montpellier, I do like it here and I did like spending the last three years here.
I am a bit blue in these days because of this moving.
And I hate, deeply hate, to see all my books in boxes. I have a very few material things in my life, exactly because I keep moving all the time, and I developed a profound attachment to these material things...my books are among these things. And I hate to have them in boxes, it makes me feel like if a part of me was in a cage.
I am also excited about starting a new life in a new country, learning a new language, spending time with some very good friends I already have there. But still...it is a change that I would have honestly avoided right now. But the job market is currently so bad, and this new job may represent a good opportunity for me that I can't be too picky. I will have to come here often, as I will keep collaborating for work with people here, and to visit some of my friends, but it will not be the same. And I will miss my apartment. I really like the cozy nest that I made for myself. It is just me and when I step in here, every time I truly feel home. I was the same when I was leaving in the USA. Leaving my apartment was very very hard, as I liked a lot and I loved living there.
I will be ok and I am sure that I will find things to love about my new place and my new life, but it is always hard to leave people I love and my current life (as it has been in the last three years) behind and start new again. For sure my life is never, ever boring, as it changes so much, all the time!
Saturday, August 6, 2011
In love
Gosh! Today I had an epiphany. I love the way I smell. I may be in the process of becoming nuts, but I discovered that I truly love the smell of my skin. I think that if I wouldn't be me, I would fall in love with myself.
I think that from feeling very insecure in my past relationships and my work, now I am going exactly at the opposite end and I feel very much in love with myself. I guess that as long as I don't become self-absorbed or very arrogant, it may not be a bad thing. Especially since I struggled so much and for so long to find my self-confidence back. I just hope to not lose it again, especially if one day I will be in a relationship again.
I think that from feeling very insecure in my past relationships and my work, now I am going exactly at the opposite end and I feel very much in love with myself. I guess that as long as I don't become self-absorbed or very arrogant, it may not be a bad thing. Especially since I struggled so much and for so long to find my self-confidence back. I just hope to not lose it again, especially if one day I will be in a relationship again.
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