Vila do Conde...day four of this road-moving-trip.
I feel very uncomfortable in being in a country where I want to interact with people, I understand the language and I can't speak it. It doesn't happen too often, but when it does, I hate it. I got a book on quick sentences to learn in Portuguese to get around. It is a start. Then as soon as I will move here, learning the language will be one of the first things I will do.
Last night I had a bad crisis. And today too. I cried for some time without stop. I am not ready to move and mentally I guess I realized only now that I am seriously going to move my life to another country again. Yes, I have friends here, even a very good close friend here. Yes, there is the sea and hopefully I will find an apartment just a few streets away from it. Yes, the working environment is very stimulating. Yes, people of Portugal are generally very nice....yes, there are a lot of positive things and I can see all that. I also feel lucky in having got the grant to work here, possibly for long time, on my own project, when the economy is going worldwide so bad. I can see all the good things of this. It is not that I am ungrateful. But still. I am not ready to move. I am not ready to leave my old life behind. I am even less ready to leave the people I got attached to in these years. I know, there is skype and sms and emails. But it is not the same. Nothing can replace the real time spent together with someone I love or I am close to. Nothing can replace a real hug. In my life I found a few very good huggers. People who are able to hug me and make me feel part of something, not alone, as if I just got home. I have met one of these good huggers in Montpellier and I am sure I will miss hiding in his arms when I need. And then there are the people I shared these past three years with. They have been with me trough the break ups and the ups and downs of my life in these years and the surgery I had and the bad and good news at work. They have been with me, especially one girl. A few days ago I was very down and I spent an entire afternoon with her. We talked and then she showed me the pictures of her last trip. I felt connected and I loved it. The people I feel connected to are very precious to me.
I don't want to leave all this now. No matters what I will find here next. I am just not ready. I have many more things to live, share and experience in Montpellier before leaving. And yes, there are plane connections that are not too expensive, and it is not so far....but it will be not the same once I move, unfortunately. I wish I could live in a place I like where I could also have all the people who are important to me. I already know that this can never happen.
Today, to ease my being so agitate and sad, my mom and I went for more than a two hours walk along the beach and then this afternoon we relaxed at the beach, just reading and swimming in the ocean. It was good. I liked it....but it is weird and sad that right now I am not able to fully enjoy it. I am happy because I know that this is something I will enjoy of my life here, but I can't fully enjoy it now because I am aware of the fact that my life here will mean the end of my old life in Montpellier. And I don't like the idea too much.
9 years ago