vegan, vegetarian, lactose-free...whatever

Just to resist to the temptation to make a radical change in my life for a new start by cutting my hair (which I already know I would regret for sure a couple of minutes after leaving the hair dresser), I am thinking of changing something that would actually improve my life.

Let's say this something could be learning how to cook.

I do make a lot of cakes and pastries and they normally come out quite well. But I can't only be able to make cakes, pies & co. It is a "pleasure-food", but it is not a real food. It is a food good for the spirit and good for inviting friends over on a fall or winter afternoon, but it is not a real food which you could serve to other people. Let's admit it. I didn't inherited the right genes from my mom. How can it be that she is so naturally talented in cooking (even if now she doesn't cook too much either, as she lives just by herself and she doesn't often have guests) and I suck so much at that? My sister is something in between, I guess.

My main problem with food is that I don't like to eat. I am just not interested in food. I like to see it. I like to smell it (when it smells good). I like to try it if I am in a new place. But in general, food is not something to think about it for me. My eating habits are boring and totally uninteresting (according to my friends), but they work perfectly fine for me. I can go on for weeks with just boiled vegetables and some proteins for dinner. Just dinner after dinner. In the winter. During the summer I make a change. From the boiled vegetables to salad.

On the other hand, I am a creative person. And this is what actually fascinated me about food. How from simple ingredients you can produce some very tasty outcome. And I find especially fascinating vegan recipes. Not only they work well for me, as there is no milk of any sort in them, but how you can get wonderful tasty things with none of the ingredients that I consider "basics" is more than a challenge. There is a place in Washington DC, which I may consider my favorite there. It is a vegan cafe'. I had there the best pancakes I ever had (now I have learned how to make very good dairy-free pancakes too). And they were vegan. I had a great corn bread. Vegan. I had many other incredibly good things. All vegan. And it is such a relief to be in a restaurant where you don't risk to get something prepared with butter, milk, or cheese even if you specify and kindly require to the waiter to please make sure that there are no milk products in my order. I had a similar fabulous experience in San Francisco too. At another vegan restaurant. In this case, when I am in one of these places, I love eating. I feel free to eat whatever I want without being afraid of getting sick and I feel free to explore all the different incredible things that they serve.

Because vegan and vegetarian, with a bit of fantasy, can be much more than just a salad.

The thing is. I love eggs. I love molluscs (the octopus is my favorite!). I like fish. I adore the honey. I just wouldn't do well for long time as a vegan. I would live it as a privation. And being vegetarian for me it wouldn't make sense....as I already cannot have milk products....

...back to the cooking and the vegan good recipes......

I was thinking that maybe I could save my hair and myself from the grief and regret of having cut them and start learning how to cook some vegan recipes....that wouldn't be so much about the cooking itself, even if in case they come out well, I could serve them and finally invite some friend over for dinner...it would be about the challenge of learning something new which I find very fascinating.

Negative point of this plan: I want to see how I am going to find the ingredients that are sometimes necessary in vegan recipes when I will be living in Portugal in the middle of nowhere (because I am going to be living in a very small village where I am sure it will be difficult to find the necessary ingredients sometimes). I will have to start with something easy and I will have to look for supermarkets outside the village where I could find many "exotic" food products. I still dream about the fantastic vegan ice-cream cake I had in San Francisco.

I should find a good blog with easy and tasty vegan recipes to start with.

In search of happiness

Organizing this new moving is making me crazy already. I am scared of the change, I have many things to prepare, I am not mentally ready to move and I am not mentally ready to move to Portugal more specifically (why the more I want to move North and the more I keep getting jobs in the South???), I am not at my best. Plus, my current job is stuck (exactly the right timing to get stuck, as I have only a few months to finish the projects I am working on) and so is my personal life (this latter more precisely seems to go down hill....).
It seems the right moment for a change, certainly.
I am just not ready.
I am a slowly adapting organism, even if it doesn't seem so.
Biologically speaking...I don't have the best surviving strategy. I waste a lot of energy and I don't get anywhere.
Since I have to change, I was looking for a change that would fit me better, like getting a short-term teaching position in some tropical place where when I don't have to teach I can go scuba diving....so far, I got only "picche", which in Italian is a way to say that I only got negative replies....
When there is air of change, the first thing to go are my hair....this time they are still there...I think that the older I get the more allergic to drastic changes I became...or maybe I have to face already enough drastic changes in the next months that I don't need anything additional.

I was looking at some older pictures...how come that my face looked much much happier till about five years ago and lately I can't even manage to have a picture with a full happy glowing smile??? I am aware of the fact that I spent some years being totally down, where even a tight smile was a big job to achieve, but still.....now things are better, overall....but I still don't feel in a good place in my life. Just an example. I travel a lot, but I don't have even the time to enjoy it that I have to go somewhere else. It seems that I have to have another marathon of a traveling for my job, this time to London. I am so much trying to avoid that.

Let's say that I am trying to change what can be changed in my life, to improve it and hopefully find again my glowing, happy smile. For the rest, I guess I have to learn to accept things that I can't change.....

I guess that something that can already improve my mood at the present is either bike or rollerblade to the beach. I am also reading the Bill Bryson's book "Down Under". He is just a brilliant writer.

A better way of living

I just got back from Portugal. I love that country. People are so incredibly nice and helpful that when I came back to France last night, I had something like a cultural shock. People were smocking in the train (and it is forbidden), young boys were calling a guy with nasty names on the street, just waiting for the right occasion to pick up a fight, and on the overcrowded train people would not even more an inch to leave some place also for the new arrived.

On the other side, in Portugal everyone got out of their way to help me in any possible way and to help me and make me feel comfortable. I went for dinner with two colleagues of mine and beside that we spent 15 euros in 3 people, the lady of the place where we had dinner gave as a present 3 small cakes to the other two people with me (I couldn't have them unfortunately, they had cream and milk) and fresh bread to me. For free. As a present.

And this is just an example.
Unfortunately, the country is sinking, economically. Every country is facing economic problems (I have to find out the cuts on which the US government agreed...I hope that they will not cut funds for the EPA and the global climate change research), but the situation in Portugal is particularly bad....and it is not a very good feeling for me considering that I will have to move there in October and start to work there. I just did all the necessary paper-work to accept the job offer, now I hope to sign the contract very soon.

However, I was very impressed by the high life-style that people seem to have there. It doesn't look like a country facing a serious economic crisis. People are very well dressed, make up, women with jewelery, lot of cellphones each, lot of amazing new cars that I could never afford with my current salary (not I would spend it in a fancy car, anyway)...it seems like everyone has lot and lot of money by just walking around in the street and looking at people. They told me that Portuguese often live much above their financial possibilities and this is completely incomprehensible for me why they would do that, especially knowing that this behavior would create even more problems to the whole country.

I had a lunch with other two colleagues, we are all scientists, and we also discussed about this topic. All the three of us agreed that instead of creating more and more problems by adjusting the world to us, we should decrease our consumptions of things and waste less.
It is a common practice now that when something breaks, it is easier to buy a new one and throw the old one out than trying to repair it. This creates a lot of waste, a lot of trash that we are not able to displace. Not only, the current economy wants us to buy new things, so it is cheaper most of the times to buy new things that repairing them. Furthermore, and very sadly so, people who are able to repair things are disappearing. I grew up in a place where people repairing bikes, electronics, whatever object was the standard and now these jobs are not needed anymore. They are also not considered "good enough" by our classist (I guess this word doesn't exist.....I mean our view of dividing people in classes) view of the society. We value people who are able to make money, lots of money. It doesn't matter how they achieve that.

I recently saw the documentary "Inside Job". I think that everyone should watch it....just to have an idea of where we are currently going....We are just too selfish to be able to make a better place and a more functional place in which to live.

On the move again

Paris, Amsterdam, and then Portugal. All this in less than two weeks. A lot of traveling. I have many train and plane tickets around....

I am so happy to go back to Amsterdam for a few days....I can't remember last time I was there....too long ago for sure.

A lot, maybe too much is going on in my life around now. I feel a bit lost....I guess....difficult to say, I don't have too much time to think about how I feel. I just know that there is so much going on that just a few days ago I felt overwhelmed by all this and my always-there desire to run away from everything was fairly strong. I recognize the symptoms...and when this happens, it normally means that I need a break because I feel all over the places and nowhere at the same time.

A friend of mine went trough a similar life change last year and now she is using any occasion she has to just explore the world, travel, don't ask herself too many questions and just live. I think that sometimes, often, in my case I am buried by responsibilities. I wish I could be scuba diving again in Florida right now. Or in the tropics. Or somewhere else where I can be underwater, isolated from the upside world to unplug and re-boot for a while......

of course, having so many things to do and so many trips ahead, I can't really do that now...

Very confusing

....the level of danger at the nuclear power plant is Japon has been raised. However, experts are now declaring that the worst seems to be gone and that nothing like Chernobyl could happen there...

......I guess it means that the situation is still critical, the level of radiation spread in the environment could still be high, but things may get better......

I feel that depending on where I read the news and what time of the day I read the news, the information are a bit contradictory.....

Latest news

I have been following the latest news on the BBC and discussing the issue of the nuclear power plants in Japan with my colleagues, all scientists. None of us unfortunately foresee how a further leak of radiation, if not even worst, can be avoid, even if we all hope for a miracle. Furthermore, the US today complained against the lack of proper information.
I feel that when it comes to nuclear power plant problems, the lack of updated corrected information is often the case. However, in this specific case, the whole country is already suffering so much on so many different sides that I don't even know how they can face all these problems at the same time. For a summary of what has been going on till now on this subject, I found this useful.
The prime minister of Japan advised the people who didn't leave the zone considered dangerous around the reactors to stay inside. These same people, after all what they already experienced, are left alone there to hope for the best, to worry for the worst. The latest news on the BBC reported that food and water is extremely limited already in the area and people interviewed said that they felt abandoned to their destiny, forgotten.
At the same time, inside the structure of each of the reactors of the nuclear power plants, people are working to try their best to avoid a catastrophe. These people are for me already heroes. They are risking their lives and they are already absorbing radiation to try to safe the situation. I want to be optimist, hope that everything will turn out to be not as bad as we fear. But it seems that every day something new is coming into the scenario, making things more and more difficult.
Now it started to snow and people in the shelters, the people who already lost everything, are hungry and thirsty and they feel cold. Like if they didn't suffer enough. I read that the couchsurf asked to the couchsurfers of Japan who are save and have a couch to host some of the people who lost their houses. It is a good initiative. I wish we could all do something. I feel impotent to just sit here, listening to the news, when my life and my worries are unimportant compared to what it is happening on the other side of the world.

Please, if you know of any good initiative to help from a distance, let me know.

Terrifying unfolding events

It is terrifying to see how the situation is unfolding in Japan. Every day there are more terrible news coming from there.
The situation at the nuclear power plants is just a more terrible development of all what already happened there so far. I can't imagine how it feels to live minute by minute with the nightmare of an explosion of the reactors at the nuclear power plant. I believe that they are doing anything possible there to try to solve the situation. However, this so far seems to not be enough. And people have to leave their houses for who knows how long. Moving away to try to avoid possible contamination. I think of the people working at the nuclear power plant now, trying to avoid a further disaster, while they have already being contaminated.

And while Europe is revising the security measures at the nuclear power plants on the territory, Italy keeps wanting to go on and build new nuclear power plants. Again, it may never happen, but if a disaster happens at a nuclear power plant, the consequences not only are terrible at a large distance for everyone, but also for long time, as the radiation will be deposited in the ground, in the water...and how long does it take to the radioactive material to lose its radioactivity? I keep writing about this topic, because I am very strongly against it. Because for me, the risks of a serious accident at a nuclear power plant, cannot justify in my mind any reason to build one.
And next to what and to whom will they build these nuclear power plants in Italy? people complained about how ugly are the eolian windmill and that none wanted them on the Appenins because they would ruin the landscape. What about a nuclear power plant? have you ever seen one? I saw one here in France and it is so ugly and scary and it stands there, next to houses, where people live every day.....which is fine, until something happens.
And not only this. In Italy we can't even find a way to dispose of normal trash....where are we going to put the radioactive waste produced by the nuclear power plants? dump it in the sea? bury it under someone else house? it wouldn't be the first time that toxic material get disposed in this way in Italy.
And the fact that countries around us have nuclear power plants is not a justification for me to have it in Italy too. Sorry, but I trust Swiss and German people more than Italian. There is so much corruption in Italy, that I wouldn't trust that things are done in a good and proper way, with all the necessary security measures.
Another thing. True, nuclear power plants produce a lot of energy. First, it wouldn't be bad for the environment if we would all learn how to save energy. Second, a nuclear power plant produces much more energy than any alternative energy source could. But it also costs a lot of energy to work. Let's not forget this too. A lot of the produced energy is necessary to maintain the correct functioning of the nuclear power plant itself.
Furthermore, Italy do not invest in any kind of scientific research anymore since ages. It especially does not invest in alternative energy sources. So, looking for quick and dirty solution is the way to go there.
Finally. We have so much need of a restart of the economy....why investing now in building nuclear power plants that may be ready in 20 years when the same money (or even less, even half of it) could be used for something else to benefit the country now?

The best part has been that I have read that one of our minister declared that Italy is not a country with earthquake risks. First, this minister should give a look at the position of the tectonic plates. Second, maybe he forgot about the terrible earthquake that destroyed some cities in Abruzzo about two years ago.....or didn't he (or she I can't remember) know that the Abruzzo is in Italy?

Nuclear power plants- yes or not again

What happened on friday in Japan, the devastating power of the earthquake first and then the one of the tsunami after was terrible, scary, an immense disaster and I couldn't avoid thinking to all the people of Japan, scattered around, trying to know if their relatives and friends were ok. To all the people who lost someone, who lost their houses. To all the kids who will grow up with this experience impressed in their minds. My thoughts are for all of them.

Earthquake scares me. I fear them strongly. Maybe because the majority of Italy, including Tuscany, lies on a "hot" place in terms of tectonic activities. Maybe because I experienced earthquakes since an early age (and yet in Italy we are not nearly as well prepared as the Japanese). It terrifies me. Scientifically, it is an amazing phenomenon. In terms of effects that could have on human lives, it is terrifying.

Beside the earthquake and the tsunami, now there is the fear of a radioactive emergency in Japan. Like if they didn't have enough problems already, without this additional thing. I have always being against to re-entering the nuclear energy era and even if I fully understand many of the reasons supporting the need of the nuclear power plant, I am still on the side on investing more money into alternative energy research than to build nuclear power plant. There was the proposal to have them in Italy, to avoid to buy expensive energy from France (that fully relies on nuclear energy). Again, Italy lies on the meeting point between two tectonic plates. So, would it be smart? considering that we are not as nearly diligent and well organized as the people of Japan.

I already wrote about this issue in a previous post last year, as I have very strong feelings about this subject. Which basically are: nuclear energy is great till the moment everything goes well. When something happens, it is a disaster. And a massive disaster. A massive disaster with long-lasting effects on the human health and on the environment. And to me it doesn't matter if there is an accident every 10-15 years. When there is one, it represent a natural disaster of huge proportion. Plus, on a daily base, my major reason to be against nuclear power plants is where we are going to dump all the produced radioactive by-products.

So, now that we are waiting to see how the situation develops at the nuclear power station(s) in Japan, I enjoyed reading this article from the BBC environmental correspondent on this topic.

Something has changed

I may have become more disillusioned and cynical in the last year. Not that I like that. But I wonder if this has happened to me and if this could explain a lot of things.
I am much more detached from things that happen in my life. I suffer and cry, still. But it is not the same. It feels like I don't let things sink into me anymore. It is a sufferance and a sadness and a disappointment that in some way doesn't get to the deep part of me. Like if I could walk away from it at any time, any moment.

I think that after the whole mess I have been and I have been in in the past years, in some way not only I recovered and found myself and my self-confidence again, but I also in some way learned to let things to not touch me deep inside anymore. I don't necessarily think that it is a good thing. Of course, I am very happy to have gotten back to my feet and recovered from my past break down, after the mess/drama of my past/last break up and the mess/drama of my working experience in the USA. But I like the old version of myself, the one who could really feel deep happiness and deep pain. Now I feel like things cannot touch me, in good and bad, so deeply anymore. I feel unable to feel deep joy, and deep sadness. I can be content, I can be sad. I feel it, but it is temporary, very temporary all the time. If something feels hurtful, I can put it in a part inside me where I don't need to see it, or think about it, or nothing. I don't process it. I just put it there. And it is dangerous, because one day it may explode and all these things could come out all at the same time and have a huge effect on me.

I tolerate things (said, heard, lived), that until recently would have just destroyed me and made me walk away from them and react and look for a solution and for something that would have made me happier. These same hurtful things would have made me fight for an improvement or react in some way. Now I just get temporarily down or sad, I move them somewhere else, so that I don't have to think about it or feel anything, and I keep going, in some way ignoring them. And this happens in any aspect of my current life. My work, my relationship, my friendship. It is like if part of me experienced how it feels to be on top of the world in each one of these things, saw that anyway deep happiness is not made to last and experienced that falling from the sky, from this deep happiness normally hurts so much that some part of myself decided that maybe it is not worth to feel these deep emotions. It was not a rational decision, but it must have happened in me. Something has to have switched somewhere.

Because I hear people who know me very well since longtime asking me how I can stand this or this other thing or where I am going doing this or this other thing, or what something means to me, or if it really makes me happy overall. And the truth is, I just don't want to think about it. The truth is, if I start to think, I am afraid of getting overwhelmed and scared by things that I don't know how to change, by things that could seem hopeless. What good would do that to me?
I wonder if it is possible to subconsciously stop feeling strong emotions because too scared of the highs and downs that come with it. I think that this is what happened to me.

But then I wonder....is it really living just keep going on as best as I can?

what next? ..... a private jet, maybe

I finished the work thing on which I have been working till middle of February and for which I couldn't at the end travel around the world (I wouldn't have gone around the world anyway, but I would have liked to travel a bit). It was a liberation to be done with it.
Such a liberation that required to spoil myself a bit. With a short trip to Florida.

It was good.

It was so good!!!

After 5 years, I went scuba diving again. I have to say that the scuba diving place we chose (and which received a lot of good reviews from I don't know whom....) was a disappointment. We took a refreshment course, because after longtime without scuba diving it is always safe to check if you remember everything well before jumping into the water. They charged us a lot for this refreshment course, which was unnecessarily long. They charged us twice for renting the scuba diving equipment that we used in the morning for the refreshment course and in the afternoon for the actual scuba dive. This after that on the phone, when asked, they told us a complete different price for all the equipment for the entire day. Then (and this is a classic PADI philosophy), they would try to sell to us any possible thing, even after I told them many time that I used to scuba dive a lot, I did it for work too, and I have all the necessary equipment in Italy and so I would not buy anything that I already have. To be even more pursuing in convincing us to buy things, they told me that they couldn't have rent us the scuba diving computer or even a table for the afternoon dive and that if we wanted them, we needed to buy them. Of course, at the end it was not true....but it was a nice try.....Basically, the impression the Silent World scuba dive place left on me was that it is a money-making place (or they want to be that way). But I didn't want this to spoil my "back to the underwater" world adventure and my short holidays. It was so nice to be down there again. See all the fish, the corals, the feeling of peace that reigns underwater. Marvelous. I missed it so much. I should do it more often, but in Montpellier and without a car, I wouldn't know how to do so.

Anyway, my little holidays in Florida was very good and I wish I could have stayed longer. I didn't want to leave.

But.....I have been living in the USA for a couple of years some time ago and my impression is that things got more expensive and the society is getting more and more materialistic. This is absolutely true everywhere. But I am the opposite of that and I get very sad every time I see so many big, giant cars, big, giant houses, all the space taken away for immense, huge buildings that do not allow you to even see the sea and the beach when you are next to it.

I always wonder what next....
Once you have the giant car, you live in a huge apartment in a huge building, once you have an immense tv in your apartment, and all these big, expensive things....how can you get even bigger and more expensive things when you get tired of the old ones????

What is the point of all these big things? to show them? is it a sign of having money? and then what?

I don't get it. I heard a woman saying that her big, immense suv was getting too small for her and her children and that she needed to buy something bigger. What can she find bigger than that? a private jet????

All this materialism makes me so sad. I wish there were more people biking around, buying small cars, living in places of normal size (of course, what it is considered normal for me is not considered normal for the people wanting immense, expensive things)...and that there were less huge buildings and more trees and nature at their place.

How can someone really desire to live in a city of concrete huge buildings when they could have the sea, the beach, a forest, and a lot of nature instead?

I do miss Italy a lot

I watched a movie yesterday, Eat Pray Love. Beside that I don't get how the book (which I didn't read) and the movie could have had so much success, since the story doesn't seem very interesting to me, beside that, there was one scene in the movie in which I couldn't help but crying.

It is when Julie Roberts is in Italy and cooks for everyone, her friends and the family of one of this friends. This reminded me a lot of my mom, my mom's place in Italy, how she can make everyone feeling welcome at her place and how happy and familiar and so precious to me all the moments spent at the table eating together or in the kitchen talking. I grew up in my mom's kitchen. Or at least I recall a lot of happy, family moments always to be linked to her kitchen.

I do miss Italy a lot, because I am very proud of all the beautiful things we have (even if we are not very good at preserving and praising them), but I especially miss my family incredibly a lot, and every time I have to move again for work, I think if the new place where I will be will be easy enough to reach to allow me to spend a lot of time with my family. It is so difficult to be far from them and not being part of their daily normal life.

This city is a public bathroom

That the walls next to every Irish pub in Ireland are covered by human pee is well known and established. What it came to surprise to me was to find out that if you are a man living in Montpellier, it is totally normal that you pee where you feel like when you feel like.

In the last months I saw men peeing:

- Next to a car, directing the pee toward the tire of a car. It happened in the late afternoon, on a very busy street. I saw him (and I actually even looked well at what he was doing because I couldn't believe it) while I was coming back to work. There were people walking around, and he didn't look neither ashamed or worried that people could see him. He looked like if it was the most normal thing to do.

- Next to a trash bin, on the road. At least this one was trying to hide from the main road, as he was facing the wall partially covered by the trash bin.

- At the corner between two roads, during the day, on a sunday morning. I saw him while I was bringing the laundry to wash.

In any case, if these seem only a few example, I can ensure you that the streets of this town smell like pee sometimes, especially in the summer, when it is hot.

But this is nothing considering that human pee is not the only thing that you can find on the streets in Montpellier..........and I don't continue further with more disgusting descriptions.....

A solo trip postponed

My coming month off is not going to be a month off.....
it always happens.
This time for good...I hope...

I very recently received the news that I got a 3 years grants to work in Portugal. It is a great news, even if currently my mood shifts from being worried about starting over again in a new place with a new language, and being totally excited for a new place to live, a new language ect. This past friday I was so worried and in a such a bad mood that my company was certainly very unpleasant.

Anyway. This is the biggest news of this month so far. I didn't accept the grant yet, as I am waiting for the results of other two things I applied to....but of course now I have to organize myself like if Portugal will be my next home. So, there is a grant deadline in February to which I have to apply to ask the money for my project (the grant I got is for my salary). This means that I can spend some much time traveling in February and that I will have to work......but it is for good anyway...

How do I feel now about the news? still scared and excited at the same time.....

kids yes, kids no

I guess that it is normal when a girl reaches the age of 35 to ask herself such a question.
The girl it's me. I have been asking myself this question since last winter. I got to think about that because of my surgery.
Would I like to have kids?
Kids? plural? I would say no.
A kid, one, probably, maybe, I think so.
Why?
Because I love life. I think that living is an amazing experience. And since I am not religious, nor I believe in reincarnation or anything like that, I think that the only chance for someone to experience what life is all about, it is just by being conceived and then be born.
True, the world is not moving in a good direction.
True, we are too many and if everyone selfishly will have a kid there will not be enough space on this earth for everyone.
True, from a purely ecological point of view, having a kid is a very bad idea.

As a scientist and as a person in favor of the environment I can support all these arguments (and many more) on why having a kid would be the wrong decision. Plus, I love my time. I am very bad in adjusting my time and space for someone else. I am very independent and I like to be so.
I also see a lot of friends having a kid and their life, what they liked and what they liked to do, is mostly disappeared now due to the kids. Finally, the giving birth action is disgusting me, I can't deny it. I feel like trowing up as soon as I see a bit of human blood.....imaging how that would feel.

However, ideally, so, yes, I would like to have a kid, because giving the gift of life to someone must be amazing. As a scientist, I find this fascinating. Even if talking about this with the olandesino, he told me that giving birth is the most run experiment on earth. True, so what? it is still pretty cool. But I am not settled with the pros and contros. I would like to be able to decide this with the person I am with.

Instead, the last two relationships I had have been with people who do not want kids. Point. Neither of them want kids. No discussion there. Having a kid is certainly not something you would do for the other person, no matter how much you love that person. I wouldn't do it for someone else, nor I would want the person who is with me to do it to make me happy. It wouldn't work...especially when the kid would wake you up at night crying for no reasons.

Still. I would like to be able to talk about it. I would like my opposite positions to be taken into consideration. Not just a conversation that it is take it or leave it.

I don't want a kid now. On this, I am sure about it. As I said, I am not even 100% convinced that I would like to have a kid. For sure I wouldn't like to have it alone. But it scares me to think that if I am with someone who for sure doesn't want a kid and one day I feel that I would like one, I will have to seriously think if this person would be enough for me to not hold against him the fact that he was not open to discuss with me an issue like this. I know myself and I know that even if it is a very miserable thing to do, when I am angry at the person I am with and unhappy, I can make him feel highly responsible of my unhappiness. And it is a terrible thing to do....and generally doesn't bring any good, just more misunderstanding and resentment. So, for sure I want to avoid to go along that path.

I made the mistake of making someone feeling responsible for my entire happiness, and it didn't bring any good. So, I learned and now I would like to be with someone with whom I feel I can talk about big, important life issues. One, because I am not sure of what my position is. And two, because none should feel forced into a situation or a condition, no matter how much he/she loves the other person....

Feeling tall and a new addiction

I just got back from a short trip to Portugal.
I found a country where I feel tall. At least taller than the average.
It must feel weird to look at people from the top.
I have never experienced that before. I am 1.63 m tall....or short...dunno....I consider myself of an average size in Italy, average in France, very small in Holland and Germany, and surprise!!! I am above average in size in Portugal. Not only I realize that I am taller than a lot of women there, but I am also the same size of a lot of men. Isn't that weird? It felt very weird to me.

Anyway, beside this pleasant surprise (pleasant? I guess....at least this is the first word that came to my mind thinking of how I felt when I realized that), and having got a good news while there, I also discovered a new addiction.

The big bang theory show.

I can't stop laughing. It is the best pick up mood I have found in years. It is very hilarious and the dialogs are brilliant. I have to thank the olandesino for this discovery.

Only negative point of this. I can't stop watching it...and so I am getting very little sleep....but it is so funny!