kids yes, kids no

I guess that it is normal when a girl reaches the age of 35 to ask herself such a question.
The girl it's me. I have been asking myself this question since last winter. I got to think about that because of my surgery.
Would I like to have kids?
Kids? plural? I would say no.
A kid, one, probably, maybe, I think so.
Why?
Because I love life. I think that living is an amazing experience. And since I am not religious, nor I believe in reincarnation or anything like that, I think that the only chance for someone to experience what life is all about, it is just by being conceived and then be born.
True, the world is not moving in a good direction.
True, we are too many and if everyone selfishly will have a kid there will not be enough space on this earth for everyone.
True, from a purely ecological point of view, having a kid is a very bad idea.

As a scientist and as a person in favor of the environment I can support all these arguments (and many more) on why having a kid would be the wrong decision. Plus, I love my time. I am very bad in adjusting my time and space for someone else. I am very independent and I like to be so.
I also see a lot of friends having a kid and their life, what they liked and what they liked to do, is mostly disappeared now due to the kids. Finally, the giving birth action is disgusting me, I can't deny it. I feel like trowing up as soon as I see a bit of human blood.....imaging how that would feel.

However, ideally, so, yes, I would like to have a kid, because giving the gift of life to someone must be amazing. As a scientist, I find this fascinating. Even if talking about this with the olandesino, he told me that giving birth is the most run experiment on earth. True, so what? it is still pretty cool. But I am not settled with the pros and contros. I would like to be able to decide this with the person I am with.

Instead, the last two relationships I had have been with people who do not want kids. Point. Neither of them want kids. No discussion there. Having a kid is certainly not something you would do for the other person, no matter how much you love that person. I wouldn't do it for someone else, nor I would want the person who is with me to do it to make me happy. It wouldn't work...especially when the kid would wake you up at night crying for no reasons.

Still. I would like to be able to talk about it. I would like my opposite positions to be taken into consideration. Not just a conversation that it is take it or leave it.

I don't want a kid now. On this, I am sure about it. As I said, I am not even 100% convinced that I would like to have a kid. For sure I wouldn't like to have it alone. But it scares me to think that if I am with someone who for sure doesn't want a kid and one day I feel that I would like one, I will have to seriously think if this person would be enough for me to not hold against him the fact that he was not open to discuss with me an issue like this. I know myself and I know that even if it is a very miserable thing to do, when I am angry at the person I am with and unhappy, I can make him feel highly responsible of my unhappiness. And it is a terrible thing to do....and generally doesn't bring any good, just more misunderstanding and resentment. So, for sure I want to avoid to go along that path.

I made the mistake of making someone feeling responsible for my entire happiness, and it didn't bring any good. So, I learned and now I would like to be with someone with whom I feel I can talk about big, important life issues. One, because I am not sure of what my position is. And two, because none should feel forced into a situation or a condition, no matter how much he/she loves the other person....