I may have become more disillusioned and cynical in the last year. Not that I like that. But I wonder if this has happened to me and if this could explain a lot of things.
I am much more detached from things that happen in my life. I suffer and cry, still. But it is not the same. It feels like I don't let things sink into me anymore. It is a sufferance and a sadness and a disappointment that in some way doesn't get to the deep part of me. Like if I could walk away from it at any time, any moment.
I think that after the whole mess I have been and I have been in in the past years, in some way not only I recovered and found myself and my self-confidence again, but I also in some way learned to let things to not touch me deep inside anymore. I don't necessarily think that it is a good thing. Of course, I am very happy to have gotten back to my feet and recovered from my past break down, after the mess/drama of my past/last break up and the mess/drama of my working experience in the USA. But I like the old version of myself, the one who could really feel deep happiness and deep pain. Now I feel like things cannot touch me, in good and bad, so deeply anymore. I feel unable to feel deep joy, and deep sadness. I can be content, I can be sad. I feel it, but it is temporary, very temporary all the time. If something feels hurtful, I can put it in a part inside me where I don't need to see it, or think about it, or nothing. I don't process it. I just put it there. And it is dangerous, because one day it may explode and all these things could come out all at the same time and have a huge effect on me.
I tolerate things (said, heard, lived), that until recently would have just destroyed me and made me walk away from them and react and look for a solution and for something that would have made me happier. These same hurtful things would have made me fight for an improvement or react in some way. Now I just get temporarily down or sad, I move them somewhere else, so that I don't have to think about it or feel anything, and I keep going, in some way ignoring them. And this happens in any aspect of my current life. My work, my relationship, my friendship. It is like if part of me experienced how it feels to be on top of the world in each one of these things, saw that anyway deep happiness is not made to last and experienced that falling from the sky, from this deep happiness normally hurts so much that some part of myself decided that maybe it is not worth to feel these deep emotions. It was not a rational decision, but it must have happened in me. Something has to have switched somewhere.
Because I hear people who know me very well since longtime asking me how I can stand this or this other thing or where I am going doing this or this other thing, or what something means to me, or if it really makes me happy overall. And the truth is, I just don't want to think about it. The truth is, if I start to think, I am afraid of getting overwhelmed and scared by things that I don't know how to change, by things that could seem hopeless. What good would do that to me?
I wonder if it is possible to subconsciously stop feeling strong emotions because too scared of the highs and downs that come with it. I think that this is what happened to me.
But then I wonder....is it really living just keep going on as best as I can?
8 years ago