It is terrifying to see how the situation is unfolding in Japan. Every day there are more terrible news coming from there.
The situation at the nuclear power plants is just a more terrible development of all what already happened there so far. I can't imagine how it feels to live minute by minute with the nightmare of an explosion of the reactors at the nuclear power plant. I believe that they are doing anything possible there to try to solve the situation. However, this so far seems to not be enough. And people have to leave their houses for who knows how long. Moving away to try to avoid possible contamination. I think of the people working at the nuclear power plant now, trying to avoid a further disaster, while they have already being contaminated.
And while Europe is revising the security measures at the nuclear power plants on the territory, Italy keeps wanting to go on and build new nuclear power plants. Again, it may never happen, but if a disaster happens at a nuclear power plant, the consequences not only are terrible at a large distance for everyone, but also for long time, as the radiation will be deposited in the ground, in the water...and how long does it take to the radioactive material to lose its radioactivity? I keep writing about this topic, because I am very strongly against it. Because for me, the risks of a serious accident at a nuclear power plant, cannot justify in my mind any reason to build one.
And next to what and to whom will they build these nuclear power plants in Italy? people complained about how ugly are the eolian windmill and that none wanted them on the Appenins because they would ruin the landscape. What about a nuclear power plant? have you ever seen one? I saw one here in France and it is so ugly and scary and it stands there, next to houses, where people live every day.....which is fine, until something happens.
And not only this. In Italy we can't even find a way to dispose of normal trash....where are we going to put the radioactive waste produced by the nuclear power plants? dump it in the sea? bury it under someone else house? it wouldn't be the first time that toxic material get disposed in this way in Italy.
And the fact that countries around us have nuclear power plants is not a justification for me to have it in Italy too. Sorry, but I trust Swiss and German people more than Italian. There is so much corruption in Italy, that I wouldn't trust that things are done in a good and proper way, with all the necessary security measures.
Another thing. True, nuclear power plants produce a lot of energy. First, it wouldn't be bad for the environment if we would all learn how to save energy. Second, a nuclear power plant produces much more energy than any alternative energy source could. But it also costs a lot of energy to work. Let's not forget this too. A lot of the produced energy is necessary to maintain the correct functioning of the nuclear power plant itself.
Furthermore, Italy do not invest in any kind of scientific research anymore since ages. It especially does not invest in alternative energy sources. So, looking for quick and dirty solution is the way to go there.
Finally. We have so much need of a restart of the economy....why investing now in building nuclear power plants that may be ready in 20 years when the same money (or even less, even half of it) could be used for something else to benefit the country now?
The best part has been that I have read that one of our minister declared that Italy is not a country with earthquake risks. First, this minister should give a look at the position of the tectonic plates. Second, maybe he forgot about the terrible earthquake that destroyed some cities in Abruzzo about two years ago.....or didn't he (or she I can't remember) know that the Abruzzo is in Italy?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Nuclear power plants- yes or not again
What happened on friday in Japan, the devastating power of the earthquake first and then the one of the tsunami after was terrible, scary, an immense disaster and I couldn't avoid thinking to all the people of Japan, scattered around, trying to know if their relatives and friends were ok. To all the people who lost someone, who lost their houses. To all the kids who will grow up with this experience impressed in their minds. My thoughts are for all of them.
Earthquake scares me. I fear them strongly. Maybe because the majority of Italy, including Tuscany, lies on a "hot" place in terms of tectonic activities. Maybe because I experienced earthquakes since an early age (and yet in Italy we are not nearly as well prepared as the Japanese). It terrifies me. Scientifically, it is an amazing phenomenon. In terms of effects that could have on human lives, it is terrifying.
Beside the earthquake and the tsunami, now there is the fear of a radioactive emergency in Japan. Like if they didn't have enough problems already, without this additional thing. I have always being against to re-entering the nuclear energy era and even if I fully understand many of the reasons supporting the need of the nuclear power plant, I am still on the side on investing more money into alternative energy research than to build nuclear power plant. There was the proposal to have them in Italy, to avoid to buy expensive energy from France (that fully relies on nuclear energy). Again, Italy lies on the meeting point between two tectonic plates. So, would it be smart? considering that we are not as nearly diligent and well organized as the people of Japan.
I already wrote about this issue in a previous post last year, as I have very strong feelings about this subject. Which basically are: nuclear energy is great till the moment everything goes well. When something happens, it is a disaster. And a massive disaster. A massive disaster with long-lasting effects on the human health and on the environment. And to me it doesn't matter if there is an accident every 10-15 years. When there is one, it represent a natural disaster of huge proportion. Plus, on a daily base, my major reason to be against nuclear power plants is where we are going to dump all the produced radioactive by-products.
So, now that we are waiting to see how the situation develops at the nuclear power station(s) in Japan, I enjoyed reading this article from the BBC environmental correspondent on this topic.
Earthquake scares me. I fear them strongly. Maybe because the majority of Italy, including Tuscany, lies on a "hot" place in terms of tectonic activities. Maybe because I experienced earthquakes since an early age (and yet in Italy we are not nearly as well prepared as the Japanese). It terrifies me. Scientifically, it is an amazing phenomenon. In terms of effects that could have on human lives, it is terrifying.
Beside the earthquake and the tsunami, now there is the fear of a radioactive emergency in Japan. Like if they didn't have enough problems already, without this additional thing. I have always being against to re-entering the nuclear energy era and even if I fully understand many of the reasons supporting the need of the nuclear power plant, I am still on the side on investing more money into alternative energy research than to build nuclear power plant. There was the proposal to have them in Italy, to avoid to buy expensive energy from France (that fully relies on nuclear energy). Again, Italy lies on the meeting point between two tectonic plates. So, would it be smart? considering that we are not as nearly diligent and well organized as the people of Japan.
I already wrote about this issue in a previous post last year, as I have very strong feelings about this subject. Which basically are: nuclear energy is great till the moment everything goes well. When something happens, it is a disaster. And a massive disaster. A massive disaster with long-lasting effects on the human health and on the environment. And to me it doesn't matter if there is an accident every 10-15 years. When there is one, it represent a natural disaster of huge proportion. Plus, on a daily base, my major reason to be against nuclear power plants is where we are going to dump all the produced radioactive by-products.
So, now that we are waiting to see how the situation develops at the nuclear power station(s) in Japan, I enjoyed reading this article from the BBC environmental correspondent on this topic.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Something has changed
I may have become more disillusioned and cynical in the last year. Not that I like that. But I wonder if this has happened to me and if this could explain a lot of things.
I am much more detached from things that happen in my life. I suffer and cry, still. But it is not the same. It feels like I don't let things sink into me anymore. It is a sufferance and a sadness and a disappointment that in some way doesn't get to the deep part of me. Like if I could walk away from it at any time, any moment.
I think that after the whole mess I have been and I have been in in the past years, in some way not only I recovered and found myself and my self-confidence again, but I also in some way learned to let things to not touch me deep inside anymore. I don't necessarily think that it is a good thing. Of course, I am very happy to have gotten back to my feet and recovered from my past break down, after the mess/drama of my past/last break up and the mess/drama of my working experience in the USA. But I like the old version of myself, the one who could really feel deep happiness and deep pain. Now I feel like things cannot touch me, in good and bad, so deeply anymore. I feel unable to feel deep joy, and deep sadness. I can be content, I can be sad. I feel it, but it is temporary, very temporary all the time. If something feels hurtful, I can put it in a part inside me where I don't need to see it, or think about it, or nothing. I don't process it. I just put it there. And it is dangerous, because one day it may explode and all these things could come out all at the same time and have a huge effect on me.
I tolerate things (said, heard, lived), that until recently would have just destroyed me and made me walk away from them and react and look for a solution and for something that would have made me happier. These same hurtful things would have made me fight for an improvement or react in some way. Now I just get temporarily down or sad, I move them somewhere else, so that I don't have to think about it or feel anything, and I keep going, in some way ignoring them. And this happens in any aspect of my current life. My work, my relationship, my friendship. It is like if part of me experienced how it feels to be on top of the world in each one of these things, saw that anyway deep happiness is not made to last and experienced that falling from the sky, from this deep happiness normally hurts so much that some part of myself decided that maybe it is not worth to feel these deep emotions. It was not a rational decision, but it must have happened in me. Something has to have switched somewhere.
Because I hear people who know me very well since longtime asking me how I can stand this or this other thing or where I am going doing this or this other thing, or what something means to me, or if it really makes me happy overall. And the truth is, I just don't want to think about it. The truth is, if I start to think, I am afraid of getting overwhelmed and scared by things that I don't know how to change, by things that could seem hopeless. What good would do that to me?
I wonder if it is possible to subconsciously stop feeling strong emotions because too scared of the highs and downs that come with it. I think that this is what happened to me.
But then I wonder....is it really living just keep going on as best as I can?
I am much more detached from things that happen in my life. I suffer and cry, still. But it is not the same. It feels like I don't let things sink into me anymore. It is a sufferance and a sadness and a disappointment that in some way doesn't get to the deep part of me. Like if I could walk away from it at any time, any moment.
I think that after the whole mess I have been and I have been in in the past years, in some way not only I recovered and found myself and my self-confidence again, but I also in some way learned to let things to not touch me deep inside anymore. I don't necessarily think that it is a good thing. Of course, I am very happy to have gotten back to my feet and recovered from my past break down, after the mess/drama of my past/last break up and the mess/drama of my working experience in the USA. But I like the old version of myself, the one who could really feel deep happiness and deep pain. Now I feel like things cannot touch me, in good and bad, so deeply anymore. I feel unable to feel deep joy, and deep sadness. I can be content, I can be sad. I feel it, but it is temporary, very temporary all the time. If something feels hurtful, I can put it in a part inside me where I don't need to see it, or think about it, or nothing. I don't process it. I just put it there. And it is dangerous, because one day it may explode and all these things could come out all at the same time and have a huge effect on me.
I tolerate things (said, heard, lived), that until recently would have just destroyed me and made me walk away from them and react and look for a solution and for something that would have made me happier. These same hurtful things would have made me fight for an improvement or react in some way. Now I just get temporarily down or sad, I move them somewhere else, so that I don't have to think about it or feel anything, and I keep going, in some way ignoring them. And this happens in any aspect of my current life. My work, my relationship, my friendship. It is like if part of me experienced how it feels to be on top of the world in each one of these things, saw that anyway deep happiness is not made to last and experienced that falling from the sky, from this deep happiness normally hurts so much that some part of myself decided that maybe it is not worth to feel these deep emotions. It was not a rational decision, but it must have happened in me. Something has to have switched somewhere.
Because I hear people who know me very well since longtime asking me how I can stand this or this other thing or where I am going doing this or this other thing, or what something means to me, or if it really makes me happy overall. And the truth is, I just don't want to think about it. The truth is, if I start to think, I am afraid of getting overwhelmed and scared by things that I don't know how to change, by things that could seem hopeless. What good would do that to me?
I wonder if it is possible to subconsciously stop feeling strong emotions because too scared of the highs and downs that come with it. I think that this is what happened to me.
But then I wonder....is it really living just keep going on as best as I can?
Friday, February 25, 2011
what next? ..... a private jet, maybe
I finished the work thing on which I have been working till middle of February and for which I couldn't at the end travel around the world (I wouldn't have gone around the world anyway, but I would have liked to travel a bit). It was a liberation to be done with it.
Such a liberation that required to spoil myself a bit. With a short trip to Florida.
It was good.
It was so good!!!
After 5 years, I went scuba diving again. I have to say that the scuba diving place we chose (and which received a lot of good reviews from I don't know whom....) was a disappointment. We took a refreshment course, because after longtime without scuba diving it is always safe to check if you remember everything well before jumping into the water. They charged us a lot for this refreshment course, which was unnecessarily long. They charged us twice for renting the scuba diving equipment that we used in the morning for the refreshment course and in the afternoon for the actual scuba dive. This after that on the phone, when asked, they told us a complete different price for all the equipment for the entire day. Then (and this is a classic PADI philosophy), they would try to sell to us any possible thing, even after I told them many time that I used to scuba dive a lot, I did it for work too, and I have all the necessary equipment in Italy and so I would not buy anything that I already have. To be even more pursuing in convincing us to buy things, they told me that they couldn't have rent us the scuba diving computer or even a table for the afternoon dive and that if we wanted them, we needed to buy them. Of course, at the end it was not true....but it was a nice try.....Basically, the impression the Silent World scuba dive place left on me was that it is a money-making place (or they want to be that way). But I didn't want this to spoil my "back to the underwater" world adventure and my short holidays. It was so nice to be down there again. See all the fish, the corals, the feeling of peace that reigns underwater. Marvelous. I missed it so much. I should do it more often, but in Montpellier and without a car, I wouldn't know how to do so.
Anyway, my little holidays in Florida was very good and I wish I could have stayed longer. I didn't want to leave.
But.....I have been living in the USA for a couple of years some time ago and my impression is that things got more expensive and the society is getting more and more materialistic. This is absolutely true everywhere. But I am the opposite of that and I get very sad every time I see so many big, giant cars, big, giant houses, all the space taken away for immense, huge buildings that do not allow you to even see the sea and the beach when you are next to it.
I always wonder what next....
Once you have the giant car, you live in a huge apartment in a huge building, once you have an immense tv in your apartment, and all these big, expensive things....how can you get even bigger and more expensive things when you get tired of the old ones????
What is the point of all these big things? to show them? is it a sign of having money? and then what?
I don't get it. I heard a woman saying that her big, immense suv was getting too small for her and her children and that she needed to buy something bigger. What can she find bigger than that? a private jet????
All this materialism makes me so sad. I wish there were more people biking around, buying small cars, living in places of normal size (of course, what it is considered normal for me is not considered normal for the people wanting immense, expensive things)...and that there were less huge buildings and more trees and nature at their place.
How can someone really desire to live in a city of concrete huge buildings when they could have the sea, the beach, a forest, and a lot of nature instead?
Such a liberation that required to spoil myself a bit. With a short trip to Florida.
It was good.
It was so good!!!
After 5 years, I went scuba diving again. I have to say that the scuba diving place we chose (and which received a lot of good reviews from I don't know whom....) was a disappointment. We took a refreshment course, because after longtime without scuba diving it is always safe to check if you remember everything well before jumping into the water. They charged us a lot for this refreshment course, which was unnecessarily long. They charged us twice for renting the scuba diving equipment that we used in the morning for the refreshment course and in the afternoon for the actual scuba dive. This after that on the phone, when asked, they told us a complete different price for all the equipment for the entire day. Then (and this is a classic PADI philosophy), they would try to sell to us any possible thing, even after I told them many time that I used to scuba dive a lot, I did it for work too, and I have all the necessary equipment in Italy and so I would not buy anything that I already have. To be even more pursuing in convincing us to buy things, they told me that they couldn't have rent us the scuba diving computer or even a table for the afternoon dive and that if we wanted them, we needed to buy them. Of course, at the end it was not true....but it was a nice try.....Basically, the impression the Silent World scuba dive place left on me was that it is a money-making place (or they want to be that way). But I didn't want this to spoil my "back to the underwater" world adventure and my short holidays. It was so nice to be down there again. See all the fish, the corals, the feeling of peace that reigns underwater. Marvelous. I missed it so much. I should do it more often, but in Montpellier and without a car, I wouldn't know how to do so.
Anyway, my little holidays in Florida was very good and I wish I could have stayed longer. I didn't want to leave.
But.....I have been living in the USA for a couple of years some time ago and my impression is that things got more expensive and the society is getting more and more materialistic. This is absolutely true everywhere. But I am the opposite of that and I get very sad every time I see so many big, giant cars, big, giant houses, all the space taken away for immense, huge buildings that do not allow you to even see the sea and the beach when you are next to it.
I always wonder what next....
Once you have the giant car, you live in a huge apartment in a huge building, once you have an immense tv in your apartment, and all these big, expensive things....how can you get even bigger and more expensive things when you get tired of the old ones????
What is the point of all these big things? to show them? is it a sign of having money? and then what?
I don't get it. I heard a woman saying that her big, immense suv was getting too small for her and her children and that she needed to buy something bigger. What can she find bigger than that? a private jet????
All this materialism makes me so sad. I wish there were more people biking around, buying small cars, living in places of normal size (of course, what it is considered normal for me is not considered normal for the people wanting immense, expensive things)...and that there were less huge buildings and more trees and nature at their place.
How can someone really desire to live in a city of concrete huge buildings when they could have the sea, the beach, a forest, and a lot of nature instead?
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
I do miss Italy a lot
I watched a movie yesterday, Eat Pray Love. Beside that I don't get how the book (which I didn't read) and the movie could have had so much success, since the story doesn't seem very interesting to me, beside that, there was one scene in the movie in which I couldn't help but crying.
It is when Julie Roberts is in Italy and cooks for everyone, her friends and the family of one of this friends. This reminded me a lot of my mom, my mom's place in Italy, how she can make everyone feeling welcome at her place and how happy and familiar and so precious to me all the moments spent at the table eating together or in the kitchen talking. I grew up in my mom's kitchen. Or at least I recall a lot of happy, family moments always to be linked to her kitchen.
I do miss Italy a lot, because I am very proud of all the beautiful things we have (even if we are not very good at preserving and praising them), but I especially miss my family incredibly a lot, and every time I have to move again for work, I think if the new place where I will be will be easy enough to reach to allow me to spend a lot of time with my family. It is so difficult to be far from them and not being part of their daily normal life.
It is when Julie Roberts is in Italy and cooks for everyone, her friends and the family of one of this friends. This reminded me a lot of my mom, my mom's place in Italy, how she can make everyone feeling welcome at her place and how happy and familiar and so precious to me all the moments spent at the table eating together or in the kitchen talking. I grew up in my mom's kitchen. Or at least I recall a lot of happy, family moments always to be linked to her kitchen.
I do miss Italy a lot, because I am very proud of all the beautiful things we have (even if we are not very good at preserving and praising them), but I especially miss my family incredibly a lot, and every time I have to move again for work, I think if the new place where I will be will be easy enough to reach to allow me to spend a lot of time with my family. It is so difficult to be far from them and not being part of their daily normal life.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
This city is a public bathroom
That the walls next to every Irish pub in Ireland are covered by human pee is well known and established. What it came to surprise to me was to find out that if you are a man living in Montpellier, it is totally normal that you pee where you feel like when you feel like.
In the last months I saw men peeing:
- Next to a car, directing the pee toward the tire of a car. It happened in the late afternoon, on a very busy street. I saw him (and I actually even looked well at what he was doing because I couldn't believe it) while I was coming back to work. There were people walking around, and he didn't look neither ashamed or worried that people could see him. He looked like if it was the most normal thing to do.
- Next to a trash bin, on the road. At least this one was trying to hide from the main road, as he was facing the wall partially covered by the trash bin.
- At the corner between two roads, during the day, on a sunday morning. I saw him while I was bringing the laundry to wash.
In any case, if these seem only a few example, I can ensure you that the streets of this town smell like pee sometimes, especially in the summer, when it is hot.
But this is nothing considering that human pee is not the only thing that you can find on the streets in Montpellier..........and I don't continue further with more disgusting descriptions.....
In the last months I saw men peeing:
- Next to a car, directing the pee toward the tire of a car. It happened in the late afternoon, on a very busy street. I saw him (and I actually even looked well at what he was doing because I couldn't believe it) while I was coming back to work. There were people walking around, and he didn't look neither ashamed or worried that people could see him. He looked like if it was the most normal thing to do.
- Next to a trash bin, on the road. At least this one was trying to hide from the main road, as he was facing the wall partially covered by the trash bin.
- At the corner between two roads, during the day, on a sunday morning. I saw him while I was bringing the laundry to wash.
In any case, if these seem only a few example, I can ensure you that the streets of this town smell like pee sometimes, especially in the summer, when it is hot.
But this is nothing considering that human pee is not the only thing that you can find on the streets in Montpellier..........and I don't continue further with more disgusting descriptions.....
Sunday, January 23, 2011
A solo trip postponed
My coming month off is not going to be a month off.....
it always happens.
This time for good...I hope...
I very recently received the news that I got a 3 years grants to work in Portugal. It is a great news, even if currently my mood shifts from being worried about starting over again in a new place with a new language, and being totally excited for a new place to live, a new language ect. This past friday I was so worried and in a such a bad mood that my company was certainly very unpleasant.
Anyway. This is the biggest news of this month so far. I didn't accept the grant yet, as I am waiting for the results of other two things I applied to....but of course now I have to organize myself like if Portugal will be my next home. So, there is a grant deadline in February to which I have to apply to ask the money for my project (the grant I got is for my salary). This means that I can spend some much time traveling in February and that I will have to work......but it is for good anyway...
How do I feel now about the news? still scared and excited at the same time.....
it always happens.
This time for good...I hope...
I very recently received the news that I got a 3 years grants to work in Portugal. It is a great news, even if currently my mood shifts from being worried about starting over again in a new place with a new language, and being totally excited for a new place to live, a new language ect. This past friday I was so worried and in a such a bad mood that my company was certainly very unpleasant.
Anyway. This is the biggest news of this month so far. I didn't accept the grant yet, as I am waiting for the results of other two things I applied to....but of course now I have to organize myself like if Portugal will be my next home. So, there is a grant deadline in February to which I have to apply to ask the money for my project (the grant I got is for my salary). This means that I can spend some much time traveling in February and that I will have to work......but it is for good anyway...
How do I feel now about the news? still scared and excited at the same time.....
Friday, January 21, 2011
kids yes, kids no
I guess that it is normal when a girl reaches the age of 35 to ask herself such a question.
The girl it's me. I have been asking myself this question since last winter. I got to think about that because of my surgery.
Would I like to have kids?
Kids? plural? I would say no.
A kid, one, probably, maybe, I think so.
Why?
Because I love life. I think that living is an amazing experience. And since I am not religious, nor I believe in reincarnation or anything like that, I think that the only chance for someone to experience what life is all about, it is just by being conceived and then be born.
True, the world is not moving in a good direction.
True, we are too many and if everyone selfishly will have a kid there will not be enough space on this earth for everyone.
True, from a purely ecological point of view, having a kid is a very bad idea.
As a scientist and as a person in favor of the environment I can support all these arguments (and many more) on why having a kid would be the wrong decision. Plus, I love my time. I am very bad in adjusting my time and space for someone else. I am very independent and I like to be so.
I also see a lot of friends having a kid and their life, what they liked and what they liked to do, is mostly disappeared now due to the kids. Finally, the giving birth action is disgusting me, I can't deny it. I feel like trowing up as soon as I see a bit of human blood.....imaging how that would feel.
However, ideally, so, yes, I would like to have a kid, because giving the gift of life to someone must be amazing. As a scientist, I find this fascinating. Even if talking about this with the olandesino, he told me that giving birth is the most run experiment on earth. True, so what? it is still pretty cool. But I am not settled with the pros and contros. I would like to be able to decide this with the person I am with.
Instead, the last two relationships I had have been with people who do not want kids. Point. Neither of them want kids. No discussion there. Having a kid is certainly not something you would do for the other person, no matter how much you love that person. I wouldn't do it for someone else, nor I would want the person who is with me to do it to make me happy. It wouldn't work...especially when the kid would wake you up at night crying for no reasons.
Still. I would like to be able to talk about it. I would like my opposite positions to be taken into consideration. Not just a conversation that it is take it or leave it.
I don't want a kid now. On this, I am sure about it. As I said, I am not even 100% convinced that I would like to have a kid. For sure I wouldn't like to have it alone. But it scares me to think that if I am with someone who for sure doesn't want a kid and one day I feel that I would like one, I will have to seriously think if this person would be enough for me to not hold against him the fact that he was not open to discuss with me an issue like this. I know myself and I know that even if it is a very miserable thing to do, when I am angry at the person I am with and unhappy, I can make him feel highly responsible of my unhappiness. And it is a terrible thing to do....and generally doesn't bring any good, just more misunderstanding and resentment. So, for sure I want to avoid to go along that path.
I made the mistake of making someone feeling responsible for my entire happiness, and it didn't bring any good. So, I learned and now I would like to be with someone with whom I feel I can talk about big, important life issues. One, because I am not sure of what my position is. And two, because none should feel forced into a situation or a condition, no matter how much he/she loves the other person....
The girl it's me. I have been asking myself this question since last winter. I got to think about that because of my surgery.
Would I like to have kids?
Kids? plural? I would say no.
A kid, one, probably, maybe, I think so.
Why?
Because I love life. I think that living is an amazing experience. And since I am not religious, nor I believe in reincarnation or anything like that, I think that the only chance for someone to experience what life is all about, it is just by being conceived and then be born.
True, the world is not moving in a good direction.
True, we are too many and if everyone selfishly will have a kid there will not be enough space on this earth for everyone.
True, from a purely ecological point of view, having a kid is a very bad idea.
As a scientist and as a person in favor of the environment I can support all these arguments (and many more) on why having a kid would be the wrong decision. Plus, I love my time. I am very bad in adjusting my time and space for someone else. I am very independent and I like to be so.
I also see a lot of friends having a kid and their life, what they liked and what they liked to do, is mostly disappeared now due to the kids. Finally, the giving birth action is disgusting me, I can't deny it. I feel like trowing up as soon as I see a bit of human blood.....imaging how that would feel.
However, ideally, so, yes, I would like to have a kid, because giving the gift of life to someone must be amazing. As a scientist, I find this fascinating. Even if talking about this with the olandesino, he told me that giving birth is the most run experiment on earth. True, so what? it is still pretty cool. But I am not settled with the pros and contros. I would like to be able to decide this with the person I am with.
Instead, the last two relationships I had have been with people who do not want kids. Point. Neither of them want kids. No discussion there. Having a kid is certainly not something you would do for the other person, no matter how much you love that person. I wouldn't do it for someone else, nor I would want the person who is with me to do it to make me happy. It wouldn't work...especially when the kid would wake you up at night crying for no reasons.
Still. I would like to be able to talk about it. I would like my opposite positions to be taken into consideration. Not just a conversation that it is take it or leave it.
I don't want a kid now. On this, I am sure about it. As I said, I am not even 100% convinced that I would like to have a kid. For sure I wouldn't like to have it alone. But it scares me to think that if I am with someone who for sure doesn't want a kid and one day I feel that I would like one, I will have to seriously think if this person would be enough for me to not hold against him the fact that he was not open to discuss with me an issue like this. I know myself and I know that even if it is a very miserable thing to do, when I am angry at the person I am with and unhappy, I can make him feel highly responsible of my unhappiness. And it is a terrible thing to do....and generally doesn't bring any good, just more misunderstanding and resentment. So, for sure I want to avoid to go along that path.
I made the mistake of making someone feeling responsible for my entire happiness, and it didn't bring any good. So, I learned and now I would like to be with someone with whom I feel I can talk about big, important life issues. One, because I am not sure of what my position is. And two, because none should feel forced into a situation or a condition, no matter how much he/she loves the other person....
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Feeling tall and a new addiction
I just got back from a short trip to Portugal.
I found a country where I feel tall. At least taller than the average.
It must feel weird to look at people from the top.
I have never experienced that before. I am 1.63 m tall....or short...dunno....I consider myself of an average size in Italy, average in France, very small in Holland and Germany, and surprise!!! I am above average in size in Portugal. Not only I realize that I am taller than a lot of women there, but I am also the same size of a lot of men. Isn't that weird? It felt very weird to me.
Anyway, beside this pleasant surprise (pleasant? I guess....at least this is the first word that came to my mind thinking of how I felt when I realized that), and having got a good news while there, I also discovered a new addiction.
The big bang theory show.
I can't stop laughing. It is the best pick up mood I have found in years. It is very hilarious and the dialogs are brilliant. I have to thank the olandesino for this discovery.
Only negative point of this. I can't stop watching it...and so I am getting very little sleep....but it is so funny!
I found a country where I feel tall. At least taller than the average.
It must feel weird to look at people from the top.
I have never experienced that before. I am 1.63 m tall....or short...dunno....I consider myself of an average size in Italy, average in France, very small in Holland and Germany, and surprise!!! I am above average in size in Portugal. Not only I realize that I am taller than a lot of women there, but I am also the same size of a lot of men. Isn't that weird? It felt very weird to me.
Anyway, beside this pleasant surprise (pleasant? I guess....at least this is the first word that came to my mind thinking of how I felt when I realized that), and having got a good news while there, I also discovered a new addiction.
The big bang theory show.
I can't stop laughing. It is the best pick up mood I have found in years. It is very hilarious and the dialogs are brilliant. I have to thank the olandesino for this discovery.
Only negative point of this. I can't stop watching it...and so I am getting very little sleep....but it is so funny!
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Book club
We had the monthly book club meeting yesterday. It was about the book "Yellow Blue Tibia". I really enjoy the meetings of the book club. It gives me the chance to read books that I would never buy and read. This one for example was a science fiction book. I would never buy a science fiction book, as it is not the kind of stories I enjoy to read.But I am glad I read this one. Even if the end of the book is totally confusing and quite disappointing, if we would remove the last let's say 60-80 pages of the book (I don't remember from where exactly I started to not like it), then it is a very enjoyable book to read.
The next book chose for the book club of January is "The girl who fell from the sky". I still didn't start it, as I am already reading other two books. Fortunately, I have a long train ride ahead of me (to go to Italy for Christmas), so it will be the perfect occasion to read a bit more.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Wanting to travel
I am not going to have a work contract in February.I actually asked to my boss to start my new contract from March.
Why?
I work too much and this year that is coming to an end didn't bring me anything good in terms of work, despite the time I dedicate to it, the passion, and all the rest. At the same time, months and years pass by and if I don't take the chance to do what I always postpone, I may never have that chance.
I need a trip.
I don't need a holidays.
I need a trip and for a trip I mean traveling the way I like.
I am not sure on where to go.
I will have about a month. I would like to spend some days in the Netherlands. Why? Because the Netherlands is always good and I love being there.
Same goes for San Francisco.
Let's say that out of a month, I would have two weeks to myself for traveling (which may mean just going to a place I have never been before and exploring the place without moving around too much). I was looking on internet for some tips of places where a woman can travel alone without problems.
The thing is, I am a traveler. I have been to many places in the world. I got to this book called: "Fly Solo: The 50 Best Places on Earth for a Girl to Travel Alone".... I read the reviews of it. It is not for me. My idea of traveling has nothing to do with finding a party, or what to wear, or where it is fashionable to go. Furthermore, I wouldn't buy such a book to travel through Europe. What I am more thinking about is either going somewhere to scuba dive for an entire week or to go hiking somewhere, maybe in Costa Rica.
Here the characteristics that the place where I would like to go should have:
- Nature. Underwater, forest, mountain. It doesn't matter, as long as I am not going to spend two weeks in a city.
- I need a place which can be safe for a woman to travel and be alone.
- Not too expensive, otherwise I could not afford it.
- Not stressful. A place where people are helpful in case of need.
- I don't want to have to drive a car to go somewhere. I want a place where by public transportation I can get to the places I want to see.
I was thinking of going to Oregon and then from there down to San Francisco. There is plenty of nature in Oregon, but February may not be the best month to enjoy it and in the USA without a car you basically get nowhere...so it may not be a good choice.... :-(
I though of going scuba diving in the Cayman Islands....but it may be a bit too expensive....
I thought of going in some park in Costa Rica.........but if I am going to walk in the forest and see a lot of animals and get totally excited for it and happy, it would suck to not share that with someone whom I know would love that as well.
It is very very longtime that I want to walk in Patagonia.....but I am not sure this would be the right time and two weeks are not enough to do that.
Hard decision.....any suggestion, shared experience, warning, etc is more than welcomed!!!!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Season of presents thinking/shopping
We are getting close to Christmas again. I have to admit not only that I love Christmas, the Christmas atmosphere, the family getting together (even if often my family getting together ends up in some kind of minor drama), etc, etc, but I also love the materialistic aspect of Christmas.
I am not at all a materialistic person, but I love to find small gift for the ones I love. The presents I chose are never too expensive or pretentious, but I love to walk around looking for inspiration thinking of what the recipients of my present may like and of what could make them happy.
However, there is one person for which getting a present is always a major source of stress, which resolved in the last years in never getting anything for him. My father. I remember when my sister and I were little and we were going with my mom to search for presents for him (when my parents were still together). There was never a way to make him happy. First, he likes expensive things and dislike the un-expensive ones. So, a sweater which was not from Armani or especially Missoni generally ended up hidden somewhere to be given some year later to my sister or I (still completely new) with the excuse that it was too tight for him.
Clothing was to avoid as a present to him.
Anything too expensive was to avoid due to my sister and mine financial limitations.
Anything we could think of that he may like, either he already has it (in the last model, the best type, the coolest one, etc, etc) or he actually doesn't like it so much.
Anything handmade is not appreciated at all.
So considering the last development of my tormented non-relationship with my father, this Christmas I felt I would have liked to try to find a small present for him again. I thought of getting him a CD of a group that he may like and he doesn't know yet. I thought of the Editors. The risk is that our present is going to be a flop again.
How can you find a present for someone who already has everything he may want or like?
Any smart idea???
I am not at all a materialistic person, but I love to find small gift for the ones I love. The presents I chose are never too expensive or pretentious, but I love to walk around looking for inspiration thinking of what the recipients of my present may like and of what could make them happy.
However, there is one person for which getting a present is always a major source of stress, which resolved in the last years in never getting anything for him. My father. I remember when my sister and I were little and we were going with my mom to search for presents for him (when my parents were still together). There was never a way to make him happy. First, he likes expensive things and dislike the un-expensive ones. So, a sweater which was not from Armani or especially Missoni generally ended up hidden somewhere to be given some year later to my sister or I (still completely new) with the excuse that it was too tight for him.
Clothing was to avoid as a present to him.
Anything too expensive was to avoid due to my sister and mine financial limitations.
Anything we could think of that he may like, either he already has it (in the last model, the best type, the coolest one, etc, etc) or he actually doesn't like it so much.
Anything handmade is not appreciated at all.
So considering the last development of my tormented non-relationship with my father, this Christmas I felt I would have liked to try to find a small present for him again. I thought of getting him a CD of a group that he may like and he doesn't know yet. I thought of the Editors. The risk is that our present is going to be a flop again.
How can you find a present for someone who already has everything he may want or like?
Any smart idea???
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
A poetry- Zucchero Chocabeck
My father came to visit me after my surgery.Unexpectedly, I had a very good time talking to him. I can't allow myself to believe that people may change and that he may have started to care about me. The disappointment if this wouldn't be the case would hurt me too much. I have learned something about him in my life till now. But I have to admit that I was happy to have him here, that he was nice to me, and that he behaved like a "normal" caring father I guess should behave. So, it was nice.
Yesterday, I went out in the car with him and he was playing the new CD of Zucchero, an Italian singer that I really like. I read that this last album of Zucchero was really good and different in comparison to the previous ones. I read that it was a very intimate album.
At the first track of the album, I got goose bumps on my arms. The music was so melodic and the song so intense, that I felt like I was reading a wonderful poetry, and even more. My father this morning, before to leave to come back to Italy, left me the CD, so that I could listen to it all. I am listening to it now. I don't like all the songs in the same way (e.g., I am not crazy about "E' un peccato morir", even if it is more Zucchero old style), but I suggest the CD anyway or at least to get some of the songs, because they are marvelous. I am amazed that Zucchero is not better known outside Italy. He is one the contemporary Italian singers that I like most. Of this album, "Oltre le rive" touches me to the core.
Another important thing. I saw on the CD that Zucchero supports the Associazione Italiana Sclerosi Multipla, another good reason to get this CD: enjoy the good music and also do something good for others (in this case people with sclerosis).
Let me know if you like Chocabeck too.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
pause...stop...restart
I just had a surgery. Out of nowhere this summer, getting checked for something else, the doctor found a cyst badly placed that needed to be removed.
In a couple of month the cyst went from invisible and undetectable, to annoying, kind of painful and anyway always in my mind. As one of my philosophies is to get rid of things that have to be done, I tried to schedule this surgery for as sooner I could.
The sooner was this past monday.
I got to monday totally scared. I can face dangerous situation well, but when it comes to my health (or to the health of someone I love), I feel like I am a big baby. But everything well. The surgery went well, I am still alive, the people at the hospital were all nice and helpful, the doctor who performed the surgery seemed competent and nice (and according to my mom also very handsome), the pain now is bearable, and I am already at home.
I am not good in resting. Not good in pausing my life for whatever reason that it is not dependent on my personal choice. But this was something I had to do, and even if I didn't decide to go for it (and I would have honestly happily avoided it), I am happy the surgery is past. Now I have to "behave" and be able to pause my life and rest.
I left the hospital yesterday around lunch time and today I thought that I could already work, since I was at home feeling slightly better. I quickly got punished. After about an hour behaving like nothing happened, my head started turning, I felt very dizzy and I had to hide in bed for some hours. Did I learn my lesson? To be able to pause and stop my life when necessary, like when my body is sending me messages to slow down......
we will see.....for now I am looking forward to a healthy re-start.....and this so much for living in the present :-(
But I guess that now I have plenty of times to read the books that I have never time to read.
In a couple of month the cyst went from invisible and undetectable, to annoying, kind of painful and anyway always in my mind. As one of my philosophies is to get rid of things that have to be done, I tried to schedule this surgery for as sooner I could.
The sooner was this past monday.
I got to monday totally scared. I can face dangerous situation well, but when it comes to my health (or to the health of someone I love), I feel like I am a big baby. But everything well. The surgery went well, I am still alive, the people at the hospital were all nice and helpful, the doctor who performed the surgery seemed competent and nice (and according to my mom also very handsome), the pain now is bearable, and I am already at home.
I am not good in resting. Not good in pausing my life for whatever reason that it is not dependent on my personal choice. But this was something I had to do, and even if I didn't decide to go for it (and I would have honestly happily avoided it), I am happy the surgery is past. Now I have to "behave" and be able to pause my life and rest.
I left the hospital yesterday around lunch time and today I thought that I could already work, since I was at home feeling slightly better. I quickly got punished. After about an hour behaving like nothing happened, my head started turning, I felt very dizzy and I had to hide in bed for some hours. Did I learn my lesson? To be able to pause and stop my life when necessary, like when my body is sending me messages to slow down......
we will see.....for now I am looking forward to a healthy re-start.....and this so much for living in the present :-(
But I guess that now I have plenty of times to read the books that I have never time to read.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
and with this...I am screwed
I just listened to a scientific podcast. Apparently a research showed how daydreaming diminishes happiness................basically, I am screwed......
I love daydreaming and I am a big daydreamer for sure....so what??? now I discovered that because of that, I am actually less happy in my real life....
I have to admit that I always thought that I should live a bit more in the present and less in my dreams and now even a scientific research confirmed my suspect.....ah...........I will have to seriously cut my daydreaming activity for a more "stay and live in the present" life......
hard work......
I love daydreaming and I am a big daydreamer for sure....so what??? now I discovered that because of that, I am actually less happy in my real life....
I have to admit that I always thought that I should live a bit more in the present and less in my dreams and now even a scientific research confirmed my suspect.....ah...........I will have to seriously cut my daydreaming activity for a more "stay and live in the present" life......
hard work......
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