some days

France, afternoon

I am back. And I got back sick. No idea of what I have. Actually, yesterday I got quite scared as I felt like I couldn't breath and I felt a strong pressure in my chest. But I am not having a heart attack, which is good. I got a check. So, I don't know what it is going on. I may have an arsenic poisoning due to my work, which would be quite bad too. If I have it, it shouldn't be a bad one anyway and I will get tested for it on monday. For now, I just have to take it easy.

I have to go to a weeding in two weeks from now. My cousin will get married. I am looking forward to this family occasion, but I also still don't know what I will wear. It will be at the beginning of May, which in Tuscany can be extremely mild, cold or warm. It will be inside (inside the church first and inside another place after). I have a couple of old dresses that I can wear, but then I would need to put something on the shoulder. I went to look for a nice short jacket or something else, but nothing. If you look for something in black, you can find plenty of things. In another color no way. I am not going to wear a total black to a wedding.

So, I got the idea to try other dresses. One was nice, but I had half of my breast outside it, which I don't think would be right for a church wedding.....While I was trying this dress I got to think "why every time that I lose weight, my breast disappears and the bottom part of my body still looks the same?". In this way the disproportion between my upper body and my bottom is even stronger. If I could think of an ideal shape for myself, I would prefer this disproportion to be less evident. At least most Mediterranean women also have a bigger breast. Look at Monica Bellucci for example. Instead, I am a real pear-looking woman.

Yes, I am in one of these days in which I look at myself in the mirror and I think "bah"! Some days I look at myself and I think "wow, your body is so athletic, you look so good, etc". Some days, like today, I am more for the "mmm, bah". I guess it happens to everyone. I wouldn't change anything in my body, but in these bah days I pick myself apart and I wonder how the parts that the olandesino always loved most of my body are the ones that I like less (like my legs).
I hope that I can find a boyfriend again who looks at my body in a less critical way than I do in these days. My best-friend just told me that I idealize relationships too much...Of course in a relationships also other things count a lot and it is not only the way the person we are with would perceive us for the way we look that makes them loving us for long term......attraction decreases after you know and are with the person since sometime and it is not as it was at the beginning....but it is nice to think that the person we are with still look at us and think "wow, I am very lucky, she is beautiful inside and outside"...So, this friend of mine thinks that only some lucky women find men like that, that look at their partner and still find her beautiful and attractive after some time. Then, I think in my previous two relationships I was a very lucky woman in this sense....and these relationships still didn't work out well....can't everything in life, it seems....but I can't help...maybe because I grew up with no father caring about me (or finding me minimally interesting to pay any attention to me) and no men in my family making me feel special in any way, that I still need today to find a man who adores me and makes me feel I make a difference in his life and I am precious to him (on top of the rest of course....).



PS. it doesn't fit to the topic of the post, but it fits to it in terms of clothes. I love love love the Gothic dresses! They look so feminine!!! does anyone know a nice internet website where I could look around for nice dresses? of course, not for the wedding. My family would kill me if I would show up with something Gothic or anything looking vaguely extravagant!