awakening

USA, night

No doubt about the fact that the time I am spending here, it is working for me as a therapy to get more in touch with myself.

I realized one thing. I am not an insecure person. I love myself, my body, my sense of humor, the way I am, my feet of course, the way I manage to talk to everyone and make them smiling and feeling comfortable, I am happy for what I achieved in my life and I am amazed by the fact that I already reached some of the dreams I had as a teenager.

But then, when I am in a relationship, I am a disaster. What I think about myself stops counting and all what it counts is what the person I am with may think of me. I continuously look for signals that may show that he loves me less or like me less or thinks I am actually not that interesting. This translates in making the person I am with feeling under pressure and start to behave in a more careful way with me. And so, because I am too afraid of the person I am with not liking me enough if I am just myself, then I start to change to a more plain person.

The end result is that I get frustrated of not being able to be myself, that I start to feel better with myself when I am alone, that I frustrate the person who is with me, that I get to think that I am together with someone who doesn't allow me to be myself and then I get so insecure and unhappy and annoyed that I start to get the feeling of being in a cage and a sense of "itch" that makes me feel the need to break up.

Of course this was not the only reason for which my relationship with the olandesino ended. But now I see that this contributed a lot to make both of us miserable and very unhappy. I always thought it was his fault. I always thought that his being so cool and so full of idea on what it is right and wrong, nice and ugly, good and bad, was what made me not being able of being myself. Instead, I start to think that large part of this was all in my head and created by me and that I seriously largely contribute to screw up something that could have been just simpler, lighter and happier.

And now I am scared of not being able to get out of this sick pattern. The only way I see a relationship working for me is to find someone who loves me as much as I love myself. The problem is that as soon as I am in a relationship, I stop loving myself and I love the other person more than me. And this, clearly doesn't work.