I had a crappy day. In a bad mood and spent working. Not even working, trying to understand something that I didn't even get. Bad bad. Completely pissed off, sad and feeling cranky, I went running. I used to be able to run for a bit. But I was in such a apnea for the bad day that my lungs couldn't take longer than 15 minutes. At least I have been sweating a bit and releasing some bad energy hopefully.
My mood didn't improve too much, but at least I left my apartment for at least half an hour today. Ah, some days are really hard. Sometimes I think that I chose to live a difficult life.
PS the picture is not from today, but from one of the multiple times in which I hit my head really bad. I didn't hit my head today, but I don't feel that I think straight anyway.
That I am a disaster in the kitchen is a well known thing. That when I am sad, down or pissed I am even worse sounds almost impossible. But it is true. Now I am sick, with stomach pain probably due to a disgusting overcooked hospital-like dinner.
I think it is an ideal solution to avoid to spend too much time thinking. The pain in the stomach is so annoying, that all my energies and attentions are focused on finding the least painful position to sit.
I read a blog entry the other day on Urban Animal about hugs and being hugged. I loved that blog entry and the video in there.
I would need to be hugged now. Of course, not from no matter whom. From someone close to me. I really would need that. Sometimes in life, it happens that you face things that you would never imagine that you would see with your own eyes. It happened to me yesterday. I need to be hugged by someone who would make me feel home and safe.
How would you go to the gym if you would know that you are going to sweat like crazy? I guess you wouldn't wear make up. And what would you wear if you would know that you will move up and down on a bike sit? I guess you would wear something comfortable, right?
Well, I went to a gym this evening, to try a spinning class. I have a certificate to teach spinning and I have been doing it for many years. So, I may have been advantaged on other beginners in terms of knowing what to wear or not. However, independently of which course you are taking at the gym, I noticed a common feature of gym's people. Which is that with the exception of the gym where I was going in the USA (people there were going to the gym to actually do sport), in all the other places I have been living so far, gyms are places where to catch a man or a woman, depending on the personal taste. Knowing this, people dress and behave accordingly.
So, at the spinning class there were women with make up (probably waterproof, so no risk of make up melting down on the face) and even women with a tennis skirt....now, can you imagine how uncomfortable is to bike fast and then go up and down on the bike sit with a short tennis skirt? in fact, after a few minutes on the bike, these two women put a towel under their sits. And then another woman had a t-shirt with such a wide opening that while biking and moving up and down on the bike, everything on her front balcony was moving up and down (I guess sport bra are not really sexy, but they may be useful in this kind of situations) with her....for the happiness of the teacher's eyes I guess. However, it was probably so uncomfortable (but of course, attractive to men), that every few minutes she needed to slow down and adjust the t-shirt in the front.
Nothing to say. I love people watching. I am fascinated by people behavior.
Still at work. Last night I didn't sleep well. Too stressed about work and feeling too many responsibilities...sometimes I think that I am really stupid to let my work to rule my days like that. Tomorrow I will try a course at a gym close by, so that maybe some hard core sport will help me to chill out.
Beside this, today my boss came to work in a pissed mood. Not with me fortunately (even if I have to admit that I was afraid he was thinking that I am retarded and so being disappointed for that...my self confidence=0). The problem was that a pipe in his kitchen brake during the week end and so till a few hours ago not only he spent hours trying to find someone to talk to at the renting agency, but none came at his place to check the pipe. He has to close the water, which is not a pleasant thing to do, especially in this season. I was ready to wish him better luck than I had with my apartment, when he said "if you live here, better never need anyone to repair anything is your apartment, otherwise be sure you will spend months trying to have someone coming to your place to fix the problem". I thought that what happened with my apartment was something pretty unique. Apparently not. Shit happens. Apparently to everyone, every day.
Conclusion. Someone just called here in the office (7 pm) from the renting agency. Of course my boss was not here anymore. Which means that till now he didn't manage to talk to anyone from the agency. This means that the agency till tomorrow will not call anyone to repair the things, which means it can be a month before the pipe gets repaired.
Welcome to the South of France! I can't remember who said to me that nothing works properly in Italy. This person probably never lived here....
I can say bad words in Italian, English and Spanish, but not at all in French. And I feel every day more and more the need of learning some of them. Why? because sometimes I feel I am "welcomed into the jungle" here. I lived too long in countries where the respect for other people is a priority. The south of France, or anyway the Montpellier area, seems to be far from this. I thought that men could be bad in Italy, but here it is worst.
Here men follow you (it happened to me yesterday), insistently stare at you, even if you are sitting at a table restaurant with another man (it happened to me too) or insult you if you say "no" to something (it happened to my mom and I with a man who wanted to clean the window of my mom's car...he also spat on the car).
Being nice doesn't help in these situations. And most of the times, I am just so amazed that I have no idea of how to react and in which language. From this the need to learn and practice just a few good clear "fuck off" words, so that in case of need I could use them.
I feel that people security should become one of the priority of each civilized country.
I am not sure of what it is the English title of the last book of Banana Yoshimoto (that I love since her book Kitchen). In Italian corresponds to the title of this blog entry.
The book is weird, but I love when I read something and I find one of my thoughts or the way I feel in there. It just makes me feel less lonely, like I am not the first to think that.
Of course, the original book is written in Japanese and I am reading it in Italian, so what I will write below may not be the perfect translation of a paragraph of the book.
"I thought that maybe, if I remained single [but it may also be alone; in Italian we use the same word and in this context they both fit well] for so long, it was because I hated the idea of becoming like this, because I feared to need someone so much to not be able to live if that person would have died............."
I feel and I felt in this way often. Being afraid of needing someone so much to not be able to even think of how my life could be without this person. I don't allow too many people to become an important part of my life, but the one they do or they did, they just remain part of my life, no matter how often we talk or we see each other or which way our lives have taken.
I was listening to this song and I almost had tears in my eyes. The words of this song from Jovanotti are wonderful. I wish that the right person would feel these things for me. If you don't know this song, I suggest you to listen to it. It is in the last album of Jovanotti
A te che sei l’unica al mondo L’unica ragione per arrivare fino in fondo Ad ogni mio respiro Quando ti guardo Dopo un giorno pieno di parole Senza che tu mi dica niente Tutto si fa chiaro A te che mi hai trovato All’ angolo coi pugni chiusi Con le mie spalle contro il muro Pronto a difendermi Con gli occhi bassi Stavo in fila Con i disillusi Tu mi hai raccolto come un gatto E mi hai portato con te A te io canto una canzone Perché non ho altro Niente di meglio da offrirti Di tutto quello che ho Prendi il mio tempo E la magia Che con un solo salto Ci fa volare dentro all’aria Come bollicine A te che sei Semplicemente sei Sostanza dei giorni miei Sostanza dei giorni miei A te che sei il mio grande amore Ed il mio amore grande A te che hai preso la mia vita E ne hai fatto molto di più A te che hai dato senso al tempo Senza misurarlo A te che sei il mio amore grande Ed il mio grande amore A te che io Ti ho visto piangere nella mia mano Fragile che potevo ucciderti Stringendoti un po’ E poi ti ho visto Con la forza di un aeroplano Prendere in mano la tua vita E trascinarla in salvo A te che mi hai insegnato i sogni E l’arte dell’avventura A te che credi nel coraggio E anche nella paura A te che sei la miglior cosa Che mi sia successa A te che cambi tutti i giorni E resti sempre la stessa A te che sei Semplicemente sei Sostanza dei giorni miei Sostanza dei sogni miei A te che sei Essenzialmente sei Sostanza dei sogni miei Sostanza dei giorni miei A te che non ti piaci mai E sei una meraviglia Le forze della natura si concentrano in te Che sei una roccia sei una pianta sei un uragano Sei l’orizzonte che mi accoglie quando mi allontano A te che sei l’unica amica Che io posso avere L’unico amore che vorrei Se io non ti avessi con me a te che hai reso la mia vita bella da morire, che riesci a render la fatica un’ immenso piacere, a te che sei il mio grande amore ed il mio amore grande, a te che hai preso la mia vita e ne hai fatto molto di più, a te che hai dato senso al tempo senza misurarlo, a te che sei il mio amore grande ed il mio grande amore, a te che sei, semplicemente sei, sostanza dei giorni miei, sostanza dei sogni miei… e a te che sei, semplicemente sei, compagna dei giorni miei…sostanza dei sogni…
The door bell of my apartment doesn't work anymore. I mean, the main door bell, the one on the street. Maybe it will never be repaired, like other things in this place. But I am trying anyway to have a positive attitude for my apartment and make it nicer.
I actually think that if I would not need to be every day afraid of what it will stop to work next, I could really enjoy here. It looks nicer and nicer, happier and happier, even with the broken furnitures. I bought some nice things to put in there. It is small, I know, but it is ok for me. And also two people can live in there if someone comes to visit me, as in the past weeks. I took these pictures last night, this is why it is dark outside the window. This is my favorite corner...the Ikea futon sofa-chair is comfortable and this corner is cozy, with the red coffee table next to it and a nice light. Up to this point, these pictures are of the main room, so all those things are in the same living room. The bed is 120*2 mt. Not too large for two people, but comfortable for me. And the mattress was one of the few things I found here that was not broken or in a bad condition.
The entrance has a big mirror. This apartment was full of big mirrors, but I left only one of them in the main room, the others are hidden in other places. What should I do with so many mirrors? The kitchen is quite big and I don't need either such a big space to just make a salad for myself. But I have the washing machine in the kitchen and that is good (not that is in the kitchen, but that I have a washing machine). I had to buy a small oven, since the oven of the kitchen is broken (and of course, it is not going to be repaired). But the new oven is of the right size, it was not expensive, it is extremely clean and looks good. So, it is fine. I hope I can make cakes in there, since it is mostly the only thing I cook.
The last picture is of the bathroom, which has a small window (other good thing...not that is small, but that there is a window). Fortunately from this picture it is impossible to see the walls of the bathroom, since they are still peeling (even if my mom did a good job trying to improve the way it looks).
I just realized that there is a lot of red and blue in this place. I like it! Now I am going to make something to eat (a salad???). I also got a freshly made (I think it was freshly defrosted, but good anyway) baguette.
Ok, last entry for tonight. If someone who reads this blog (and this entry, which I doubt, but I try anyway) lives in Montpellier and knows a good clean place downtown where to get a nice manicure for a reasonable price, I would be happy if she (I guess it would be a she) could give me some info about it.
The only manicure I got here was something to forget about it as quickly as possible!
Blogging is addicting. I wanted to go to bed half an hour ago and then I checked the blog of Urban Animal, I found an entry that I liked, I read it, then I answered, then I kept looking for more nice blogs and it ended up that now is 12 already.......I have to find a way to have a more regular sleeping attitude. I am already not taking care enough of my health, as the olandesino highlighted forwarding me this link
After 2 weeks with the olandesino here, 1 week with my mum here, now I feel a bit lonely. Of course, I can probably work more, but this is not the point. Actually, this morning I was in such a weird mood that I didn't even really feel like working. Beside, the server here at the University was giving me so many problems, that I just spent the entire morning fighting with it. Which is a quite good way of concentrating on something else instead of getting sad.
Now, I am fighting with the R codes. Tomorrow I should have a work meeting to show to my boss the results I got in the last days. The results are none since I basically started to work only a few hours ago. I am quite unmotivated. I know.
At least I just listened to two very very nice songs of Amy Winehouse (Tears dry on their own, Back to black). She may be totally crazy, but nothing to say (except positive things) about her voice.
It seems clear by now that none will come to do anything or repair anything in the apartment. So, I finally decided to improve the way it looks. Of course, since I want color in my life, I bought a red coffee table and colorful boxes.
In this picture, my mom is fixing the IKEA boxes. I am happy that IKEA exists, it keeps making my apartment nice independently of where I live and how much space I have (and also how little money).
I always consider, no matter where I live, my apartment like one of my little islands of peace, and so this is why I want it to look relaxing, happy, positive. Of course, I still have to put things here and there and make it "mine", but I am working on it. When I was in Barcelona I saw these wall stickers and I loved them. I just put them on. Aren't they nice? The walls of this apartment were looking so sad, at least now they have some color and some movements. I put the stickers only in one corner and at the time of this picture, I was not done with it. Now it looks nicer.
I will definitively put more pictures of the apartment on this blog, once I am happy with the way it look.
................................My mom is telling me stories about the Sagrada Familia......it is such an impressive, amazing monument. We were both fascinated by it.
I thought that Paris was the universal city of love. I thought that a lot of people consider Venice romantic, maybe other cities too, but I never considered Barcelona as The city of love.
Everywhere walking around Barcelona you can just find people kissing, hugging, smooching, independently of their age. You feel you want to kiss or hug the first person that crosses your way (I resisted to this instinct, no interesting people crossed my way there). I saw teenagers kissing on the street, on the beach, in the metro, in a cafe, in a restaurant. I saw old people walking hand by hand on the street (I have to admit that I may be cheesy, but I like seeing old people walking hand by hand, I always wish I will be one of them one day (old for sure...I mean, walking hand by hand at old age and without necessarily changing boyfriend or husband every couple of years)). I saw people of my age walking around and then stopping just to kiss.
Nothing outside decency, but every time like if it was the most normal thing to do there.
What is of Barcelona so inspiring for love/affection signs?
My mood have been up and down lately. I also turned 33 a few days ago. In the last weeks, I felt light again after two years of lot of weight on my shoulder and lot of guilt feelings. It felt good, incredibly. I thought I forgot how to feel light.
So, I wish to myself to find a reason to laugh at least once a day. And not only to smile, but really to laugh. I want to laugh more.
I wish to myself to feel light again and to keep worries and feeling of guilt as far as possible from me (this latter is a quite hard goal for me).
I wish to myself to be able to love again with trust, without the need of protecting myself, without being cynical, without always expecting the worst to happen.
I wish to learn to fight only worthed battles and being able to leave the others to the rest of the world.
I wish to learn again to be more positive. At least a little bit more than now.
I wish I can live my life better than in the last two years. Life is too short and for sure I waste a lot of time feeling guilty and doing things out of guilt. Often I feel I don't do enough for the people I love and sometimes I even forget that I should be the first to cover myself with love.
So long since last time I wrote here. First, great gold medal of Pellegrini in the 200m swimming.
My mom is here now. We finally made it to the beach today. My mom got here on sunday, and monday and tuesday rained cats and dogs (I haven't seen rain here except for when my mum is here) all the time. So no chance for the beach.
Beside this, my mom had the pleasure of finding out how slippery the streets of Montpellier can be with the rain. The choice is between having the right shoes and not slipping or having the wrong shoes and ending up with your butt on the floor.
Our plan was to leave today to visit some places around here and then drive toward the Spanish border to be in Barcelona for my birthday this coming Friday. Yesterday and today I spent my day stressing out about the "never ending story of the apartment". The owner of the place where I live now doesn't want to fix anything. Not even the wallpaper which is pealing off from the wall in the bathroom or from the ceiling. Since yesterday, the agency in charge of my renting contract is trying to convince me changing my apartment. I moved here a month ago and since then everything has been really stressful. Now, they would like me to move again to another place, which may have a better owner but that I like less.
So, we are still in Montpellier. Finally this afternoon, after telling the person at the agency for the third time that I don't want to change apartments again now, my mom and I made it to the sea in Frontignac. Really nice place. Or at least, nice place compared to the beaches around here. I swam, the water was cold, and I relaxed a bit. I brought some papers from work to read, but in the end I decided that I deserved some relaxation too....I just submitted a grant proposal yesterday.
The best part of the day today was our dinner in Sete. We picked up a restaurant, it took about 20 minutes for the waiter to come to ask what we wanted to eat (people are definitively taking it easy here) and then this was my conversation with him:
-Me: I have an allergy to milk products. Does the fish soup contain milk, butter, cheese or cream? -Him: cream yes -Me: Ok, so I will take something else. What about the swordfish? does it contain any milk product? -Him: yes, cream -Me: ok, then I will go for a salad. That should be safe. I would like this salad (and I indicated to him which one). Does the sauce or anything in there have milk product? -Him: no, no, that is fine, no milk products in there.
My mom got the fish soup and the swordfish. They didn't contain any milk product at all. I got the salad. It had on top of it a pate made out mainly of butter. Of course, I didn't think it was made of butter, so I had a piece of it, before to feel the buttery taste. Result: now I have stomach problems. I thought of ending the disaster with a fruit salad. I ordered one. After let's say 10 minutes my mom tells me: I don't think you will get your salad. The waiter put the preserved fruit salad in a bowl, looked at it, showed to other two waiters, talked with them about it and then trashed it.
I stared at her. They just brought two fruits salad bowls at the table next to us.
The waiter comes back to the table: Sorry, we just run out of fruits salad. Do you want anything else? Strawberry with cream (DIDN'T I SAY TO HIM THAT I HAVE A MILK PRODUCTS ALLERGY?)? chocolate mousse?
-Me: no thanks, just the bill.
Basically my dinner was bread, lettuce, a couple of tomatoes and little more. And I got butter. But I guess I am lucky. Probably if I would have eaten the fruits salad by now I would be sitting on the toilet instead of at the computer writing this blog.
Sono nomade per lavoro. Vivo di qua e di la'. Mi piace scrivere. Scrivere e' uno sfogo, una passione, un modo di comunicare con chi e' lontano. E quindi scrivo.
France, evening
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