wedding dress

Italy, night

Saturday night. I had a full day today. With my sister, with my mum, with Chantal. A nice, enjoyable, full day. Now I am alone in my room with some nice music as a background.
Chantal today told me something and this something was that I choose a career and this means that I gave up a family or a personal life. And she is convinced about that. As she is convinced that every place I go, I can forget the person I am with and start a new relationship. The truth is that I wish in some case that what she said can be true. But it is not.

I still struggle for a person I loved so strongly, for the person I had dreams of having a future with, the person I saw myself getting old with. I am slow. I am slow in getting involved with someone. I am slow in moving on if it doesn't work. And this because I don't need to officially marry this person, because in my head I am of this person and this person is my half. But then, I started to feel that something was not going the way I wanted, the way I lived it in my head and then I just woke up and tried to escape from reality in some less painful way.
And this not because I felt that the person didn't love me. I have this idea of the romantic and independent love. This idea for which you fuse with the other person but you also keep yourself, your independence. You don't disappear into the other, you just fuse with each other and you are both of you and even more because you are together. It is a subtle equilibrium, extremely fragile and if one of the two is stronger, it is easier for the other to disappear. You have to be a team for which the team can be stronger only if you both work together giving yourself, but also maintaining yourself.

I feel I failed in both my important relationships, since they didn't work out the way I wanted. And I am just so, so afraid of believing again in something that could be for a future, that could involve someone else, something that doesn't depend only on me. And every time I am disappointed in my personal life, I focus all myself on my work, because until now I felt I can control that and avoid the failure. But the last year showed me that it doesn't exactly work like that, and that I can also hate so much what I loved so much. Now I feel like I don't know where I am going and what I want. I just feel so insecure that I am afraid of moving the next step forward and I move only with little careful, calculated steps, hoping in this way to be able to control everything as much as I can.

For more than 3 years the olandesino has been my life, my home, my save place, my ONE. I am not light in these things, I know. I didn't need a ring. I didn't need a wedding. He was my half for me. And what Chantal told me today hurt me a lot. Because I would have loved to have a life with him and not only a career. But when things go wrong, my safe place became more and more my work. And the more I suffered for him and the more I felt the need of feeling safe and my safe place was my work. But I wanted to have a life and a work I liked. Because I believed that it is possible to have both, even if with some sacrifice.
And then in the last year and half everything crashed. And now I don't know in what I believe or not anymore or what I want or not anymore. And I am just really afraid of being happy again and then hope and suffer so much again.

This morning I went with my sister to help her to choose her wedding dress. She was so nervous and excited about it that I thought that even if we are both survivors to my father and outside we show this thick layer to protect us, at the end we just both need to receive a lot love. All the love we never had from our father. We just need that all the rejections we had from him are going to be balanced with equal and more love. We need our little happy island. And this morning, even if sometimes don't get along, my sister and I, I saw her as a strong and fragile person like I am and in a need of someone who loves her and hold her hand and tell her "don't worry, I am here and no matter what happens, I am going to be here for you".

My sister is going to be beautiful the day of her wedding. All brides are beautiful, but she will be gorgeous. She is naturally beautiful and she choose a wonderful, simple, elegant, dress. And I am happy I shared this moment with her. Just us.