empty inside-escaping desire

Lucca (Italy), afternoon

I should work, finish up things for work. I should relax also. I should take it easy and I should have fun. A lot of things I feel I should do for myself. Instead, I don't manage to really do anything of those. To relax I need to get to the end of something, the work left over, the unresolved situations, the inside conflicts. To finish up the work, I need to force myself, since I feel like I don't know enough to finish anything and I feel like a failure. I got an email from my ex-boss today and even if there was nothing negative, seeing the email was enough to freeze the blood in my vein, to paralyze me.

I am so instable that I feel like leaving again, moving. I cannot find some peace in myself and I feel I have to move, change again, hoping to find the peace that I cannot find in myself somewhere else. I cry and I don't even know why. I just feel all this responsibility for the work left that I cannot even just spend my days reading and doing things that I enjoy. And to finish some work I need help because or like in one case it is one thing I strongly don't want to work on and I don't have any idea of how to finish it or in the other cases, it has been so painful to fight for them during the past year, than now every time I open one of the files I feel like vomiting.

I thought of coming back to New Haven, so that there, even if I don't go to the lab to avoid to meet my ex boss, I can ask someone for help for the work things I need or I can ask for some motivation. Here almost none can understand why I am at home alone all day working when none pay me or care for what I am doing. And even the people who still don't understand, but support me, cannot actually help me if I need something. I think I am too corrected. I feel responsibility for things I started or someone forced me to do and to do in their own way, when I could and I should just say fuck. So, I am paralyzed by the desire of giving up on all these things that make me so stress for one or the other reason and the sense of responsibility in having to finish them. And since there is no peace inside me, there is no peace no matter where I am and where I go. And I keep thinking about the movie "Into the wild".

The last year had been so difficult that yesterday when I was talking with my grandma about various things, works, dreams, future projects, I just couldn't avoid to have tears in my eyes.
And I have to be strong for everybody here, they need me strong. No matter where I am. By phone calls or emails I am the one who always can listen to them, because they need to talk and take out their worries. And I want to be there for them. And they are so troubled these people that I don't want to give them my problems too. So, I built up this barrier in which outside I am this happy/ok myself, and inside I am just in a lot of little piece.

I just would like someone to take me in their arms and keep me there and convince me that everything is going to be ok, that everything is going to be fine and that I am not alone in this and that it is a moment and it is going to be fine again and that they love me and they can go trough this with me and help me. I am becoming more and more close that I feel none knows how I feel or what it is inside me.
I would like to feel loved.

I know my mum loves me. But I cannot give her more worries, she has already too many. I am her joy, having me here now, I know it is a joy for her, like for my grandma. And I want to be there for the people I love and need me, but I also feel I need someone to convince me that I will find some peace and that it will get better soon.