The assassins

France, night

I am afraid I went a bit too far....from crossing the safe-known area of hanging around only with people I know, to meeting new people, to participate to some crazy game....

In this case, the crazy game being called "The assassins"....a pretty innocent game, considering that you can kill or get killed by being splashed with some water (the amount of water is not well established)....innocent enough that my first thought has been "this sounds cool" and the second thought has been "this makes me feel like I am a child again"......

....all this until this evening when I read the rules...which basically consist of....no rules.....which means I can't be safe either at home or at work, because the assassins of the other team will know where I leave and where I work and any time and place will be good to kill/splash me.....this is fine except in two situations:
1) when I am with my computer, which for me is like having a child
2) when I am in my office with my colleagues and people I work with and the last thing I would like to happen is that some crazy assassin walks in and splash me in front of them.....

Too late now to back up.........I just have to wish to kill/splash before to get killed/splash and that when I will get killed/ splash is not going to be in my office......

Wish me good luck....so far for lightening up and having some childish fun.....

Love, love, love

France, morning

Last night I crossed out one of the things from my "why not?" list. I met a lot of new people. I went to two different Thanksgiving parties and I enjoyed both of them.

But I also felt very sad. At both these parties there were couples who were looking at each other with hearts in their eyes. Both couples were looking at each other in a way that from the outside looked a lot like "the world could fall apart, but I am happy because I have you".
I felt very very jealous. It was in both cases a very strong happy bound to look at and it was shocking for my deep cynical view about relationships. These couples are not even new couples, they are in both cases together from sometimes. In one case they are even married from sometimes. And from the way they looked at each other, they were in their own exclusive world.

I can't remember the last time I have been in a drama-free relationship, a relationship in which not only I felt happy and light, but I also felt that anything could happen and I would still be happy because I was not alone. I can't remember the last time I saw the look of love, admiration, the look of "I am in the right place with the right person and I am fully happy" in the eyes of the person I loved at that time. It has been long time anyway.

Getting closer to Christmas doesn't improve the way I feel. 99% of the times I am totally happy with my life. But there is that 1% of the times in which I wish I could have that again, a happy, drama-free, light relationship. One of these relationships that makes me feel that I walk 10 meters above the ground. One of these relationships who makes me feel smiling, with a silly smile, from morning to evening without a specific reason, but just because I am happy.

Sometimes I wonder if I will have something like that again. Something that doesn't have to come with a heavy baggage, something that makes me smile all day long for no reasons, except that I have my own happy world with someone else.

why not?

France, afternoon

I had a week of traveling across western Europe, so I had a lot of time to read. In Amsterdam, at the American book store, I bought the November issue of Self, an American magazine that I like (even if I prefer Shape) and that always cheers me up and makes me feel I want to move and exercise more.

There was an article in the issue of Self that I bought about making a "why not?" list of all the things that we would like to do and we always postpone for whatever reason....
Here my list of "why not?"
How long will take me to cross out all these things?

1) Find a course of street dance and learn some moves

2) Learn Dutch (I always start some self-teaching course and never manage to keep going)

3) Get out of the comfortable zone of the few people I know here and meet more people

4) Stress less and force myself to meditate (I need to find a class on how to meditate first)

5) Take a singing course (I can't carry tunes, so this is a real challenge...but I love singing)

6) Learn how to play the saxophone

7) Re-start running and get able to run for an hour again

Anyone who wants to make a "why not" list too so that we can motivate each others???

Science and being an escort

France, evening

First, escort sounds much nicer than a prostitute....even if at the end the job is the same....
Second, everyone working in an academic environment knows how difficult is to find the money to keep doing research, especially if this research does not have or give an immediate profit to someone and does not have an economic value.
Third, I thought myself over this summer that if I wouldn't have found another contract, I would have looked for a job in a disco or pub or a dancing place....which of course it is very different than being an escort, but it also gives you much less money.....
So, I just read on the newscientist the story of a girl with a PhD who to keep working on what she liked and it was her passion (she reminds me of someone) decided to work as an escort...at the end you have to live out of something, pay the rent etc......
I admire her gut...I mean not every men you would meet as an escort would turn out to be Richard Gere, right?

Is it too late too dance?

France, night

Too late meaning too late in life. Something like, is it written somewhere than in your twenties you are supposed to go out and dance and in your thirties you are supposed to go out and have dinners? Why not doing both???

I can't manage to find anyone, absolutely anyone of the people I know here to go out dancing with. Should I start to go out with people 10 years younger than me? If I propose to go out dancing, even to people who claim to love dancing, the answer I get is always ranging from "I am too tired" to "why don't we meet for a dinner all together instead?"........

Dinners are fine ok. I am not crazy about them. I also feel that I am such a problem with my allergy to cow milk products (all of them), not liking pork and cow meat......Being invited for dinner always makes me feel uncomfortable. Dancing instead makes me feel fully energetic.
I am working like crazy non-stop. Even when I go to bed I think about work (very unhealthy, I know) and I wake up thinking about work. I need a distraction, a real distraction. One of these things that do not allow me to think at all. Running is one, but with this lump that appears and disappears I don't feel like running too much....Scuba diving is another (not very doable now and there is only sand around here)....Sex is the other (no chance for that either)....and dancing is one of the top relaxing things for me....that would be doable....but should I go alone??? I mean, it is true that I actually dance alone, but it is not too much fun to go alone......

How can it be that I can't find people around my age who like something else beside eating and drinking at home or in restaurants???? I need my sister and my cousin here.....without men.....that would assure me some fun probably!!!!

Proud of being French

France, morning

I am not French. I am Italian. So, this post is not about me. It is about all the French people who think that France is the best country in the world and "pure" French are the best human in the world.

I think that being nationalist is a good thing. Italians are not too nationalists and it is a pity....we have a lot of things to be proud of. Americans are generally quite nationalist, but not quite like the French!!!

Birthday party last night. 12 people invited. Nine French, one Italian (me), one person from Thailand, and one from Iran. I speak and understand French, generally. I don't get anything if nine people talk all together in different French accents/slang/dialects. The evening started then with me being an object of fun for my incapacity of understanding everything all the time. As I am in France since a year and some months now, I should master the language and any of its nuances. I don't. Point taken. Apologies for that. Making fun of my incapacity to understand absolutely everything was funny for a couple of minutes. Then it got annoying.

My level of being annoyed was not that high anyway at that point, but progressively increased with the time passing by. I don't like when people talk by stereotypes. I don't like when people speak very very bad about others that are not there. I am not politically correct and my stay in the USA didn't change that. But I also don't like to make very bad comments about other people. Again, you can make a funny comment once and it is ok. Talking badly about the same person for longer than that is just mean.

So, it went from someone who was too hairy and stingy to a comment on how Jews are stingy (I wonder how many Jews they met to say this).
- First: bad comment about the Jews.

Then Carla Bruni vs. Monica Bellucci. Monica Bellucci has too much breast. Not very sensual. From there to: Japaneses women do not have shape at all. No breast, no butt, nothing.
- Second: bad comment about the Japaneses.

UK. The only good thing that the UK have is London, which is good because it is full of French. British are all ugly because they just have body with no muscles and they have such a white skin.
- Third: bad comment about the UK and the British.

Then the conversation moved to a competition about the shortest penis in the world. Of course, French are on average the best equipped. The fact that black men have good attributes is just a legend, based on experience it is just not true and in bed they suck.
- Fourth: bad comment about black men.

The French are of course not only the ones with on average the best attributes, but they are also generally better. The men with the shortest penis in the competition were certainly Americans. Even if apparently the men with the shortest penis on average in the world are Asian.
- Fifth: bad comment on American and Asian men.

From there one guy went on making very bad, heavy comments about one of my friends (not knowing that she is a good friend of mine), to which point I got very very annoyed. I should just not care about it. But I have friends in a lot of different places in the world and I met a lot of people of a lot of different nationalities and I have been living in a lot of different countries. I can find the good and bad everywhere and I can find the good and bad in people from any nationality. Personally, as I wrote here a lot of times, I find French men generally very unattractive. But this is just me. And for sure it is not a stereotype and it is based on the French men I meet and met here. It is not a nice comment, but it is at least based on my personal conception of it. As well as the fact that a lot of French don't shower enough. At least, I experienced that.

But this nationalism that a lot of French have (fortunately not all of them) to think that they are much better of the rest of the world.......I stand it very badly.....

After all, it was an ok evening. I ate some very good crepes that the host made especially for me with soya milk and no butter and not everyone was following the trend of speaking very bad about other people who we all know and were not there or other countries. So, it was ok. But I wish people would pay more attention to cultural differences and invest a bit more in learning about people who are different from what we know. There is so much to learn from others and other cultures!

Whatever works

France, evening

I finally saw the latest Woody Allen movie, after I heard so much about it. People have been telling me that this is the best movie Woody Allen made, that it is so funny, that it is absolutely a movie to watch.

I just finished to watch it and I feel I should watch it again. It goes on very fast and you get to the end, or at least I got to the end, and I felt like "bah, ok, dunno". Did I like it? I don't know.

For sure it reminds me a lot of my interaction with a person closed to me. Me, like the young girl in this movie, very colorful, always wearing improbable things, feeling sunny; him, afraid of germs, diseases, what it could happen, a lot of deeps thoughts. Two quite opposite views that attract each others. Like in this movie. I agree with the way of thinking the main character expresses at the beginning when he talks to his wife: "we match so well, that rationally is perfect".

Apparently as this movie shows, rationality when it comes to love and relationships is not all. But, whatever works.....isn't the general philosophy of this movie a selfish way to look at things? yes, great in this movie at the end everyone is happy....but when does this happen in the real world? who would say after breaking up with someone, ok, we have been very happy till worked and now it is right that we follow whatever works for each of us? In this movie, it looks a lot like: it worked until it did and then he didn't work anymore, because it didn't mean to be anymore. As the main character says: love is not forever. Love it is not what moves things, except in a few cases.

I think that I am still a romantic girl in that sense.

But at the end......it is true....sometimes we break our heads over things and we don't realize that we just have one life and it is just up to us to make ourselves happy.

So, as Boris says at the end of the movie: That's why I can't say enough times, whatever love you can get and give, whatever happiness you can filch or provide, every temporary measure of grace, whatever works.

I found the movie funny and sad at the same time (in a classical Woody Allen style).

No stress and no fibers

France, evening

It may sound like a very strange combination, stress and fibers, but this is what the specialist (a gastro-enterologist) who saw me yesterday told me to avoid for a couple of days (well the stress for longer)....I don't know why, but it seems that every time I have something that goes out of what it is normal, doctors get lost in finding what to do with me. I definitively need the Dr. House around here!

However, here it is how the story went.
Lunch with a friend on wednesday last week. At the end of the lunch I felt very bad, like if my belly was at the point to explode. So, I quickly paid, said goodbye and decided to relax in front of the computer...since when sitting in front of the computer at work is relaxing..... Anyway, in about an hour I had a lump popping out more or less where the sternum is. I am hypochondriac, but even without that, I am sure I would have got worried.
I called my general doctor for an appointment. She was not there, but the substitute could see me in an hour. I went and she told me that she could feel the lump too and if I abuse of alcohol, which I don't. Do you smoke? no. Do you have a diet with a lot of fat? no.
So probably it is nothing too serious, but I should get a sonogram, start a treatment for a gastritis and that possibly I could have a hiatus hernia.

All this out of nowhere in about an hour time in which I have been only eating and sitting in front of the computer? Come on. I did worse things than that in my life and nothing happened!!!

Anyway, completely freaked out, crying and imagining myself not being able to dance anymore (very important point), run, using my cool scooter and rollerblading (all essential things) I got the sonogram the next day. The doctor giving me the sonogram went: ah, good, good, everything ok, liver is ok, pancreas is ok, there are not tumors or things that could look bad...................................................and I didn't hear the rest....

Tumors???? from where this come from??? I didn't even think about that. And he continued: no but look, it is good, because there is nothing, so don't worry, everything looks ok from here.....

I left the place totally spaced out and went back to my general doctor. Her: ok, so it doesn't look like a hernia. I think it is gastritis. Are the pills working?
Me: How can it be a gastritis if I have none of the symptoms? and not, the pills are not working (but in a day what can you expect???)...
Her: ok, you should see a gastro-enterologist for an endoscopy....but don't worry, I am sure that it is nothing bad.
Me: ah, yes, yes....

Got the appointment with this specialist for monday, yesterday. Of course, as the lump I have comes and goes, when I went there, it was not there (it has its own life I think)...so this specialist told me:
Him: Why did the doctor mentioned a hernia if there is no chance that this is a hernia?
Me: eh?
Him: is not a hiatus hernia because you couldn't feel it from outside in the shape of a lump like you said, it is inside. And there is no hernia from the sonogram.
Me: good.
Him: do some abdominal.
Me: eh?
Him: some abdominal, without using the hands.
I did
Him: good muscles. So, you can't have any external hernia, because it doesn't pop out if you do the abdominal.
Me: good.
Him: why did the doctor give you these pills if you have no symptoms of gastritis?
Me: that is what I said too.
Him: so stop that.
Me: ok, so what is it this thing?
Him: no idea. But it is nothing to worry about for sure. Do you stress a lot?
Me: yes
Him: like recently or on a regular base?
Me: on a regular base, with peaks, some of which recently.
Him: do you eat a lot of fruits and vegetables?
Me: yes, basically I live out of that.
Him: ok for 3 days no fibers at all, especially no fruits and vegetables and no stress. This should improve already some of the problems and for the lump, I have no idea what it could be. If you don't feel better in 15 days, give me a call. And take also these pills that they also give to babies, they are light but they can help your stomach.

So, now I am here and I am already puzzled of what I am going to eat in the next two days, as I had rice yesterday, a breakfast in which I couldn't avoid fibers, lunch with a sandwich with no high fibers bread, no vegetables, just goat cheese and oil and a dinner with boiled potatoes and eggs. I am already quite bored...and I feel the same.

Of course, since I should try to not get stressed, today I got even more stressed than I normally am, absolutely for no reason.....

Next time I have a health problem, I am going to find out my own treatment....in any case what the substitute of my general doctor told me when I saw her was quite random anyway, so I may well find a cure faster on my own.....

I am on a high carb diet......................not really my ideal.....

Old movies

France, evening

I got addicted to old movies. Scott tried to convince me why old movies are so good and why he likes them so much in any possible way. Maybe because I felt pushed by him and I normally do the opposite thing when I feel pushed, I never appreciated old movies so much when I watched them with him.
Now that I can chose on my own which movie to watch and when, I am exploring as much as I can this new world. And I love it!
I remember when my grandmother was telling me that Tom Cruise was not such a good actor, as Cary Grant or Gregory Peck etc. And I was looking at her thinking "what are you talking about". Now, I can see her point! These movies don't have big Hollywood effects, but the stories are good, the actors are great and they also have the right rhythm to capture me. Of course, I don't like all old movies. As I don't like all current movies. But I like to seat on my couch and forget about the rest of the world to just enjoy my movies!!!

In the last days I saw a few Hitchcock movies. So good. The one that I saw tonight has H. Fonda in it. He acts so well. And of course, some of these actors are so good looking too that as MissB pointed out to me in her comment to one of my past blog entries, it would be nice to have more Gregory Pecks around right now :-). And the thing is, the more old movies I watch, the more I want to watch. My grandmother and I just talked for half an hours this afternoon about her favorite actors of her time, the movies she likes etc.

I have to recognize that I should thank Scott for starting me on this, which is becoming more and more a very enjoyable hobby!

And the thing that amazes me most when I think about is that not too long ago the movies were still in black and white. The movie I saw tonight was made in the 1956. About 50 years ago only and it was in black and white. Since then, we had movies in colors and movies with incredible effects. In less than 50 years. Isn't that amazing and very impressive?

I am very impressed!!!

In search of the perfect match

France, lunch time

The other day I was having a coffee with some girls who work with me and we got to talk about age and time to have kids. I know, this is the scary age in which women think too often about time going by.
Anyway, there was this girl who said that she strongly would like to have a kid as soon as possible. She even would have wanted it with her previous boyfriend if he was in agreement with that and then she concluded saying "it was good that I didn't have kids with him, he was not that good looking"....thinking that if the kids would have looked like him, they would have been not very nice looking kids and then adults.

So I got to wonder, how many women do think this way? that the father of your children should be a lot of good things among which also objectively good looking to pass the "right genes" to the kids. And then, while some women select for a good looking man to have kids with, do other select for intelligence? sense of humor? health? beside all this sounding quite unromantic, I guess it is not a totally wrong way of thinking. I mean, a lot of animals behave this way all the time when looking for a partner from which to have babies...just think of how anonymous are often female birds and how beautiful and colorful are males of the same species. But I mean, in the animal kingdom, humans are the ones who can fake things better.

I have to admit that the only person with whom so far I considered that in the future (far future) I could have children with is a person that I consider incredibly attractive for the way he looks and I always thought of how cute his kids would be. So, yes, I guess that in the rare occasions in which I think about the possibility of one day having a kid, I think about how they would look too. But not only. I more often think that it would be much more important to find the best match in terms of having the healthiest kid as possible.

If it would exist the possibility to get a genetic screen (they exist, but of course only for some well known disease) for a couple considering to have children, would you take it? would you like to know if you and your partner would be a good combination in terms of having "good kids"? and then if they would tell you that if you have kids they would have the 50% chance of having some health problem, even if not a very impeding one, just annoying for the kid, what would you do? still go on and have kids with this person?

I like to know things, to understand more about life, this is why I am a scientist. But sometimes I think that we go a bit too far, that we feel a bit too powerful, that we think that one day we can get to control the nature. Don't take me wrong, I think that genetic screening and checks to make sure that the kid is healthy are important and necessary.
But when we go on and we plan to have the "perfect kid"....well that is going a bit too far....isn't it? on the other hand...life is hard enough, and if you could do something to make the life of your kid easier (because they are extremely healthy, because they look good, because they are very smart), wouldn't you do it???

I think it is just all about where to set the limit...and limit sometimes can be very very flexible...but for what it concerns me, if one day I would decide to have a kid, I would just like to know that he/she is healthy and then leave to nature the power to do the rest!

Office rules

I am at work and my stomach is upset. Why is my stomach upset? because of the smell that is in my office.
I am trying to be a very good colleague. When they are dissecting mice, and there is a smell of rotten meat everywhere, I just shut up, open the window and mind my own business as much as I can. When in the summer, someone comes to work without showering in three days and smells like a goat, I open the window and try to not focus on it. I also always ask how it is going, bring cookies and show a bit of interest in my colleagues' lives.

However, in the fall or winter, being a good colleague is harder for me. I have a very sensitive nose, which means that I can easily pick up different smells and if I don't like it, my stomach gets immediately upset. In fall or winter, being colder outside, my colleagues don't like if I open the window....it is thus difficult being polite and try to explain them why I prefer feeling cold or wearing something more and having the window open than the opposite.

...and then I wondered....how are my body creams smelling??? I hope that they do not smell too strong or bad....I always have some body cream on me...