France, afternoon
I have almost never met anyone living in the same building where I live till today. I met two people, two men, first one and then the other let's say 10 minutes later. I met them on the stairs. I couldn't say anything about them, not even if they were handsome or not, nothing. And this is because I couldn't look at them since they were both on the common stairs in their underwear. One went downstairs to get his mail, the other was doing something somewhere near the entrance of the building. Both in underwear around 3 pm. I didn't look at them to avoid staring at their underwear.
It was embarrassing. For me. They both looked completely comfortable.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
The great talent of wasting time
Italy, afternoon
I don't like wasting. I really don't like it. But I have no idea how and why, I waste a lot of time in front of my computer. I switch on the computer with the idea of working, but then outside is a nice sunny day and I am in Italy and it is true, I should have been back at work by now, but the fact is that I am still in Italy, so in theory still in holidays. So, why then should I work? because I have a deadline for a grant application. A grant that started basically with an idea from the olandesino and I and ended up with my counting nothing for this grant except in terms of writing and the olandesino being marginally involved (and not getting money for it). So, why should I work? because if I don't, I feel guilty. Bad beast the guilt. But I do. My work is based on how much you produce and how good it is what you produce, so it is in my own interest working. But I can't. I know I should. But I would prefer doing something else.
So, I am here, with the grant proposal in front of me. I read one sentence and I look for a funny blog to read. I read another sentence, and then I send an email to a friend. Another sentence and I am thirsty so I need some water and so on till 7 pm when I will go downtown to meet a friend.
I am not really productive lately.
I think I worked so much in the past, too much, that now I just need a lot of paid year doing almost nothing. Unfortunately, the chance that I can find someone who pays me to do nothing is almost zero.
So, I think I should start to work. And be productive. And waste last time. And stop blogging. Yes, I should blog less.....Life is hard sometimes.
I don't like wasting. I really don't like it. But I have no idea how and why, I waste a lot of time in front of my computer. I switch on the computer with the idea of working, but then outside is a nice sunny day and I am in Italy and it is true, I should have been back at work by now, but the fact is that I am still in Italy, so in theory still in holidays. So, why then should I work? because I have a deadline for a grant application. A grant that started basically with an idea from the olandesino and I and ended up with my counting nothing for this grant except in terms of writing and the olandesino being marginally involved (and not getting money for it). So, why should I work? because if I don't, I feel guilty. Bad beast the guilt. But I do. My work is based on how much you produce and how good it is what you produce, so it is in my own interest working. But I can't. I know I should. But I would prefer doing something else.
So, I am here, with the grant proposal in front of me. I read one sentence and I look for a funny blog to read. I read another sentence, and then I send an email to a friend. Another sentence and I am thirsty so I need some water and so on till 7 pm when I will go downtown to meet a friend.
I am not really productive lately.
I think I worked so much in the past, too much, that now I just need a lot of paid year doing almost nothing. Unfortunately, the chance that I can find someone who pays me to do nothing is almost zero.
So, I think I should start to work. And be productive. And waste last time. And stop blogging. Yes, I should blog less.....Life is hard sometimes.
The Wedding
Italy, afternoonI should have been home by now. But if I learn something in all these years of traveling is that traveling during major holidays most of the times ends up in a mess....and if you are not traveling for holidays and you have to be somewhere on a certain date, at certain time, better to plan the trip with a plan B and C and even D. My 4 hours between the two flights that I had to take was not enough to assure me to get today to the final destination.
Result? I am leaving tomorrow. By bus. I lost the money of the flight (good thing traveling with cheap airline companies) and I will arrive home on friday morning. It could have been worse at the end.
In any case, my time here was great! and my sister was the most beautiful bride I have ever seen.
And everything was so nice and I enjoyed the wedding and the party so much, that I am just happy of participating to it. I had the chance to talk with so many people that I didn't see in a long time and by talking and talking, at the end I didn't eat almost anything of the great food that was there....But I danced. Oh, yeah, I danced a lot. Even without shoes. It was just nice. I went to bed at 3.30 am of the following day. And the most important thing is that everyone was happy and enjoyed it.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
At the airport
France, lunch time
I didn't sleep very much last night. It is almost always like this when I know that the next day I have to travel. I love traveling, I love airports, planes and trains, but I get incredibly stressed when I know that I have to be in a certain place at certain time. This is because I have the strong tendency to be late. Basically, to be on time, at night I don't sleep since I stress about not waking up, or be late and missing the plane/train or both. The result is that I get to the airport or the train station very very much in advance than my flight or train. Like today.
I stress a lot about silly things. Things that there is no way I can control and plus, considering my active imagination, I worry about things that may happen in the future, but that probably have only a 0.1% probability of happening.
The other day for example. I woke up with a rash on both my legs and on one arm. I had these red spots everywhere. Of course, I panicked. Of course, I imagined the worst. Of course, while I was biking to the Uni, after I called the doctor for an appointment, I was already thinking of having some weird rare disease that it would make me dying in the next months.
I know, it is sick. Especially, since I spent almost 2 hours totally worried about things that at the end of course didn't happen. What happened was that I had an allergic reaction to something, probably to a pre-chopped coconut that I ate the evening before (and it tasted weirdly) and everything came back to normality within that day.
But of course, in my head, I figured myself already dead. I thought to have some auto-immune deadly disease and that could explain the red spots, the other rash on one of my leg, the fact that lately I feel really tired. Nothing like this in reality. The red spots were allergic, the other rash started I have no idea how and it seems not going away because of stress (I think doctors love to say that something is due to stress when they have no idea what the real cause could be) and being tired is simply due to the fact that in the last month I didn't sleep enough and I worried a lot. How simple is this?
The thing is, I was not like this. But things were so difficult and so stressful during my PhD that I became extremely pessimistic and a control freak. I now try to control as much as I can to avoid that something bad could happen. Of course in the meantime I get incredibly stressed, since there are many more things that I can't control or predict than the ones I can control or predict. Rationally I know all this is ridiculous, practically, I can't stop it.
And after talking about this with people who had a similar troublesome experience with their PhDs, I see that it is really difficult to get ride of the stress, the pressure and the insecurity linked to the PhD time. Obviously, the fact that after the PhD it doesn't get any easier to find a job, doesn't really help.....
I know it is worthed what I am doing as a job, because it is not only a job, but a passion and I love it....but sometimes I wonder how much it costs me in terms of health and simpler happiness.
I didn't sleep very much last night. It is almost always like this when I know that the next day I have to travel. I love traveling, I love airports, planes and trains, but I get incredibly stressed when I know that I have to be in a certain place at certain time. This is because I have the strong tendency to be late. Basically, to be on time, at night I don't sleep since I stress about not waking up, or be late and missing the plane/train or both. The result is that I get to the airport or the train station very very much in advance than my flight or train. Like today.
I stress a lot about silly things. Things that there is no way I can control and plus, considering my active imagination, I worry about things that may happen in the future, but that probably have only a 0.1% probability of happening.
The other day for example. I woke up with a rash on both my legs and on one arm. I had these red spots everywhere. Of course, I panicked. Of course, I imagined the worst. Of course, while I was biking to the Uni, after I called the doctor for an appointment, I was already thinking of having some weird rare disease that it would make me dying in the next months.
I know, it is sick. Especially, since I spent almost 2 hours totally worried about things that at the end of course didn't happen. What happened was that I had an allergic reaction to something, probably to a pre-chopped coconut that I ate the evening before (and it tasted weirdly) and everything came back to normality within that day.
But of course, in my head, I figured myself already dead. I thought to have some auto-immune deadly disease and that could explain the red spots, the other rash on one of my leg, the fact that lately I feel really tired. Nothing like this in reality. The red spots were allergic, the other rash started I have no idea how and it seems not going away because of stress (I think doctors love to say that something is due to stress when they have no idea what the real cause could be) and being tired is simply due to the fact that in the last month I didn't sleep enough and I worried a lot. How simple is this?
The thing is, I was not like this. But things were so difficult and so stressful during my PhD that I became extremely pessimistic and a control freak. I now try to control as much as I can to avoid that something bad could happen. Of course in the meantime I get incredibly stressed, since there are many more things that I can't control or predict than the ones I can control or predict. Rationally I know all this is ridiculous, practically, I can't stop it.
And after talking about this with people who had a similar troublesome experience with their PhDs, I see that it is really difficult to get ride of the stress, the pressure and the insecurity linked to the PhD time. Obviously, the fact that after the PhD it doesn't get any easier to find a job, doesn't really help.....
I know it is worthed what I am doing as a job, because it is not only a job, but a passion and I love it....but sometimes I wonder how much it costs me in terms of health and simpler happiness.
Monday, July 14, 2008
the way to the beach
France, afternoonI didn't want to do anything yesterday. I made plans in my head for doing things with the two girls I know here, but they already had other plans. So, I was alone. I worked all morning and then around 3 pm I decided to that I needed to force myself to go out, to avoid to be in an awful mood by the evening. My bike has a flat tire. I think there is a small hole in it. I couldn't care less yesterday, I just needed to get out and spend some time outside. I prepared my back pack thinking of going to the beach. The beach is about 10 km from my apartment. There is a bike road, the one that at the tourist information they suggested me, but it is not too nice since it runs parallel to the main car road. But I needed to go somewhere.
So, I jumped on the bike to go in the direction of the bike road, till I suddenly got to the river. There is a nice river that crosses Montpellier. And these two pictures on the left is what I saw as soon as I got to the river. It was incredibly nice. People sitting on the grasses reading and taking sun. I saw that there was a bike path along the river and I decided to change my plans and instead of going to the beach, just keep biking along the river. During all this, I have to stop a few times to put some air in my tire, which was keeping getting back to a flat condition after a few minutes of biking. While I was biking along the river, I saw a bike sign with written "Plage", which is the French word for beach...so I got even more motivated in following the bike road thinking that at the end I would get to the beach!
There were a lot of people biking and when the bike path was turning into concrete there were also people rollerblading. It made me thinking of Amsterdam and how much I liked to bike around there. The way to the beach crosses a lot of nice areas, like this one. I also saw a lot of animals, first because it seems that a lot
of people like riding horses here and second before to get to the beach, the road crosses a swampy area, where I saw a lot of birds...too bad I didn't have
my binocular.Unfortunately, the birds I saw were a bit far to get nice pictures of them, but it was such a nice bike road anyway. I will come back there for
sure. And at the end it didn't matter if the back tire of my bike was flat, if I had to bike back against the wind, if when I got to the beach it was so full of people that I decided to go back, I enjoy it a lot anyway. And it was good
that I forced myself to go out, even if I was alone and not too motivated!
Sunday, July 13, 2008
The streets
France, morning
This morning I planned to sleep long, but I got wake up by a phone call at 9.30 am....change of plans then. In a week my sister will get married. Actually, in a week she will be already married....I think I will cry at the wedding. Maybe even before, probably as soon as I see her with the white dress.....I have easy tears.
Yesterday it rained here. Rare event, I would say. The weather is almost always beautiful here, sunny with a bit of wind. Perfect. Anyway, the rain was nice, even if I got home completely wet. But the rain is a problem here. I am not sure what the streets here are made of, but as soon as they are even just a little wet, you slide perfectly on it. Basically, to walk around you need some stable shoes (not summer sandals) and to be really careful, otherwise you will end up with your butt on the floor. By bike, the challenge is even higher, so yesterday I had a few risky moments on my way back home from the Uni. As soon as it rains, you feel like you are ice skiting on the street here.
Tomorrow is the "presa della bastiglia" day....sorry for the Italian, I have no idea of what this corresponds in English.
This morning I planned to sleep long, but I got wake up by a phone call at 9.30 am....change of plans then. In a week my sister will get married. Actually, in a week she will be already married....I think I will cry at the wedding. Maybe even before, probably as soon as I see her with the white dress.....I have easy tears.
Yesterday it rained here. Rare event, I would say. The weather is almost always beautiful here, sunny with a bit of wind. Perfect. Anyway, the rain was nice, even if I got home completely wet. But the rain is a problem here. I am not sure what the streets here are made of, but as soon as they are even just a little wet, you slide perfectly on it. Basically, to walk around you need some stable shoes (not summer sandals) and to be really careful, otherwise you will end up with your butt on the floor. By bike, the challenge is even higher, so yesterday I had a few risky moments on my way back home from the Uni. As soon as it rains, you feel like you are ice skiting on the street here.
Tomorrow is the "presa della bastiglia" day....sorry for the Italian, I have no idea of what this corresponds in English.
Friday, July 11, 2008
actually...there is something relaxing
Montpellier (France), evening
The man at the end arrived here and fixed a lot of things...who knows, maybe by the end of the month, this apartment can also start to look almost like a decent place. But the location is unique....calm in the apartment and then you go downstairs, open the door and you are fully downtown, in one of the main squares, where yesterday for example there was tango. The people dancing tango were so good. I would love to learn it. The thing is: I would never get so relaxed to let a man lead and second, I would have a lot of problems to dance so close to a man...dancing for me is freedom...but maybe I can do an exception for a tango class......
I found one thing that relaxes me....the washing machine! doing the laundry is extremely relaxing. I could get hypnotized by the noise and watching at the clothing moving slowly in the laundry....ah....................I am doing the laundry now :-)
The man at the end arrived here and fixed a lot of things...who knows, maybe by the end of the month, this apartment can also start to look almost like a decent place. But the location is unique....calm in the apartment and then you go downstairs, open the door and you are fully downtown, in one of the main squares, where yesterday for example there was tango. The people dancing tango were so good. I would love to learn it. The thing is: I would never get so relaxed to let a man lead and second, I would have a lot of problems to dance so close to a man...dancing for me is freedom...but maybe I can do an exception for a tango class......
I found one thing that relaxes me....the washing machine! doing the laundry is extremely relaxing. I could get hypnotized by the noise and watching at the clothing moving slowly in the laundry....ah....................I am doing the laundry now :-)
Relax? what does it mean?
Montpellier (France), evening
I am at home, feeling really agitated. I am waiting for a man who is supposed to come to fix things in my apartment. I rushed out of work to be here on time so that he could fix everything and a) he is not here b) when I called him almost an hour ago he told me that he was at the corner and he would be at the apartment in 5 minutes c) I have a rash on my leg that the doctor told me to be due to the stress and that I should chill out. Maybe if you are French, if you were born in the South of France, you are able to deal with these kind of things. Me, I am Italian, so I suppose I am already genetically well adapted to tolerate this kind of behavior, and I still have a lot of problems with it. I wonder how German or Americans or Dutch could deal with this attitude d) never, ever trust what they tell you here in a shop. The France Telecom, so the phone company, told me that registering a new number would cost me 55 euros. I just got the bill. It is 88. From where the 33 additional euros come from? and why didn't they mention them at all since I went twice to the shop?
Beside these daily annoying things, that of course make for someone like me almost impossible to relax, since I always wait for a bad surprise around the corner, I also have packed so much stress in the past years, changing every year the place where I live, adapting every time to a new country and how things work in that country and especially work related stress, that now I am not even sure I remember what relaxation means.
I am always ready to jump, like a cat that sleeps with its eyes half open (well, not my mum's cat...when Camilla sleeps, she really sleeps)...My senses are always alerted. I feel like a wild animal, always prepared to run and to fight....
I am wondering if this is an healthy way of living....
I am at home, feeling really agitated. I am waiting for a man who is supposed to come to fix things in my apartment. I rushed out of work to be here on time so that he could fix everything and a) he is not here b) when I called him almost an hour ago he told me that he was at the corner and he would be at the apartment in 5 minutes c) I have a rash on my leg that the doctor told me to be due to the stress and that I should chill out. Maybe if you are French, if you were born in the South of France, you are able to deal with these kind of things. Me, I am Italian, so I suppose I am already genetically well adapted to tolerate this kind of behavior, and I still have a lot of problems with it. I wonder how German or Americans or Dutch could deal with this attitude d) never, ever trust what they tell you here in a shop. The France Telecom, so the phone company, told me that registering a new number would cost me 55 euros. I just got the bill. It is 88. From where the 33 additional euros come from? and why didn't they mention them at all since I went twice to the shop?
Beside these daily annoying things, that of course make for someone like me almost impossible to relax, since I always wait for a bad surprise around the corner, I also have packed so much stress in the past years, changing every year the place where I live, adapting every time to a new country and how things work in that country and especially work related stress, that now I am not even sure I remember what relaxation means.
I am always ready to jump, like a cat that sleeps with its eyes half open (well, not my mum's cat...when Camilla sleeps, she really sleeps)...My senses are always alerted. I feel like a wild animal, always prepared to run and to fight....
I am wondering if this is an healthy way of living....
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Love song
France, afternoon
A really lazy day for me.
The beautiful lyrics of a song of the Cure
If ever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel
Like I am home again
If ever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel like I am whole again
If ever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel
Like I am young again
If ever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel like I am fun again
However far away,
I will always love you,
However long I stay,
I will always love you,
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you,
I will always love you
If ever I'm alone with you,
You make me feel like I am free again,
If ever I'm alone with you,
You make me feel like I am clean again
However far away,
I will always love you,
However long I stay,
I will always love you,
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you,
I will always love you
A really lazy day for me.
The beautiful lyrics of a song of the Cure
If ever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel
Like I am home again
If ever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel like I am whole again
If ever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel
Like I am young again
If ever I'm alone with you,
you make me feel like I am fun again
However far away,
I will always love you,
However long I stay,
I will always love you,
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you,
I will always love you
If ever I'm alone with you,
You make me feel like I am free again,
If ever I'm alone with you,
You make me feel like I am clean again
However far away,
I will always love you,
However long I stay,
I will always love you,
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you,
I will always love you
Monday, July 7, 2008
the wild man
Montpellier (France), afternoon
I still don't really have internet access at home, so I write only when I am really inspired and only for a few minutes from work.
I don't know why (I think I was bored), today I ended up thinking that what I found attractive in a man is that aura of mystery that some men have. More than mystery I would say I like wild men, men with angelic faces but with this more savage soul. I am not thinking of anything like men who don't shower (bleah) or men who burp and spit (double bleah) or man who behave like if they just came out of a prehistoric cave. Absolutely nothing similar. But I find incredibly attractive when a man is not boring in an intelligent surprising way. Intelligence is attractive, a nerd is boring. Wildness is attractive, a rough man is disgusting.
I find extremely attractive John Malkovitch. He is not objectively handsome, but he has this something mysterious and the intelligent look that to my eyes makes him extremely hot.
Ok, after this "about nothing" blog, I think it is better to go home......
I still don't really have internet access at home, so I write only when I am really inspired and only for a few minutes from work.
I don't know why (I think I was bored), today I ended up thinking that what I found attractive in a man is that aura of mystery that some men have. More than mystery I would say I like wild men, men with angelic faces but with this more savage soul. I am not thinking of anything like men who don't shower (bleah) or men who burp and spit (double bleah) or man who behave like if they just came out of a prehistoric cave. Absolutely nothing similar. But I find incredibly attractive when a man is not boring in an intelligent surprising way. Intelligence is attractive, a nerd is boring. Wildness is attractive, a rough man is disgusting.
I find extremely attractive John Malkovitch. He is not objectively handsome, but he has this something mysterious and the intelligent look that to my eyes makes him extremely hot.
Ok, after this "about nothing" blog, I think it is better to go home......
Friday, July 4, 2008
friday
France, evening
There is an annoying thing in knowing only two people with whom to do something here. The thing being that since one of them is away and the other has a family, when it is friday and the only thing I want is to go out, chill out and relax talking about worthless things, I have none with whom to do that.
I would love to go out to eat Indian food tonight. But alone, it just makes me feel lonelier...it is so annoying...such a lovely place and none to do things with....
There is an annoying thing in knowing only two people with whom to do something here. The thing being that since one of them is away and the other has a family, when it is friday and the only thing I want is to go out, chill out and relax talking about worthless things, I have none with whom to do that.
I would love to go out to eat Indian food tonight. But alone, it just makes me feel lonelier...it is so annoying...such a lovely place and none to do things with....
the weirdest thing of today
Montpellier (France), evening
I know, it is longtime that I don't write a blog...I have been moving to the new apartment and already that will require a lot of blogs to tell the entire story of my attempt to move.
But anyway, what I saw today is worthed an entry. I went to the bathroom, the women bathroom at the University and as I entered I saw a guy, long hair, a bit of a Jesus style, eating. In the bathroom. He was chewing something. He looked back at me, as I probably looked at him surprised. And he said "is it the women' bathroom?". I opened my eyes even more widely and I thought that I made the mistake and entered in the men' bathroom. I didn't say a single word. All the situation was weird.
He had a plastic bag in the bathroom, large plastic bag full of stuff on the floor of it. He was eating, in the bathroom I want to repeat it, and he had put his cellphone to charge it where there is the thing holding the toilet cover sits. He was looking at me like if charging a phone and eating in the women's bathroom at the Uni was the most normal thing in the world to do. He was looking like he was camping in the women' bathroom.
Then, while I was still staring at him, he left. And he forgot his cellphone. So, he had to come back to get it.
I know, it is longtime that I don't write a blog...I have been moving to the new apartment and already that will require a lot of blogs to tell the entire story of my attempt to move.
But anyway, what I saw today is worthed an entry. I went to the bathroom, the women bathroom at the University and as I entered I saw a guy, long hair, a bit of a Jesus style, eating. In the bathroom. He was chewing something. He looked back at me, as I probably looked at him surprised. And he said "is it the women' bathroom?". I opened my eyes even more widely and I thought that I made the mistake and entered in the men' bathroom. I didn't say a single word. All the situation was weird.
He had a plastic bag in the bathroom, large plastic bag full of stuff on the floor of it. He was eating, in the bathroom I want to repeat it, and he had put his cellphone to charge it where there is the thing holding the toilet cover sits. He was looking at me like if charging a phone and eating in the women's bathroom at the Uni was the most normal thing in the world to do. He was looking like he was camping in the women' bathroom.
Then, while I was still staring at him, he left. And he forgot his cellphone. So, he had to come back to get it.
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