re-programming myself

There are times in life in which a big change is needed. There are times in life in which it is just better to stop and sit. This is a time in my life for both things.

The big change has been coloring my hair in red. I never colored my hair before. I tried any possible hair cut, but never colored them. This was a big change. And I can say that I am happy about it.

It is also a time to sit down and look at things from high up, trying to be a spectator of it more than the main character. I took two weeks holidays. A real holidays. I worked maybe one day and a half of the two weeks so far (I am not done with the holidays). I got to think about my feelings. I got to think about my passions and about who I am. I got to think about what I do because it gives me pleasure and what I do because I feel I have to or for a future investment. I got to think to what really matters in my life and to the person I am.

I recently applied to two permanent job positions in France and even if I didn't want to fully admit it to myself, I was deeply convinced to have some very good chance for at least one of the two. I didn't get any of them. But what it hurt me more, what left me empty and sad, it was not that much the fact that I didn't get the position, as much as the reasons why I didn't get it (I am too old, not French (but this of course cannot be admitted openly), not enough of this, too much of that...such as that I am too enthusiast about what I am doing to convincingly sound very professional. A lot of very crappy, hurtful reasons.

So, I did what I had to do on the short term for work, I spoke to my current and past bosses (two people that in terms of work I esteem a lot), and I took it of. I left. I went to Italy. I spent time with my family and friends coming from everywhere. And after weeks of feeling as a big failure, for investing so much on a career that may well never be the way I dreamed of, I felt I needed to re-program myself and my priorities.

I went to a Natural History Museum yesterday. And I had tears in my eyes. I was looking at the beauty of the diversity of animal forms, especially looking at the amazing diversity of invertebrates, that I felt the luckiest person in the world for what I am doing. I am not only doing what I always wanted to do, but I am also doing something wonderful, even if more than half of the world think that it is useless and "commercially not valuable" (this more than half of the world includes some members of my family, among million of other people).

I felt lucky. I am 34 and I am doing something that I can say I really enjoy. And not only. I am not only my work and my passion for my work, even if I invested a large part of my life for it. I traveled a lot. I saw many places. I know many people. I have great friends, people that I realized that in moment of need are there to help. And I have an amazing family. I have people who love me for the way I am. Even if I am weird. Even if I am unconventional. Even if I keep fighting and believing in something that it may never happen. Even if I am an idealist. Even if at the age of 34 I still believe that we can make and have a better world.

And I said fuck. Fuck to all the rest of the world who manage to make me feel like a failure, because I don't uniform to some standard way of doing things at a certain time. Fuck to the ones who even if for a couple of days made me feel old and made me forget of all the great experiences I had in these 34 years. Fuck to the ones who judge me for my job or my hair or my clothes without even knowing me.

So, I took these two weeks of break and I am spending my time laughing, and reading, and enjoying the sun, and wondering for the streets of places I don't know, voluntarily feeling lost. I took these two weeks to remind myself who I am and what I like. And today I also did something very, very not-diplomatic but that I felt I needed to do since long time. When it comes to people interactions, in work as well as in relationships, I think that respect is at the base of everything. I have been working for years now with someone who completely lacks of respects for me and treats me very badly every time she has the possibility to do so. She is the reason why I left the USA when I was working there. Today I wrote her how I feel about the way she treats and has been treating me over these years. I have been really strong and clear. It was not at all a diplomatic email, but I respect myself a lot and I do want other people who interact with me to do the same. I think that everyone deserves respects and none should be judged, mistreated or discriminates because of a different way of thinking or doing things.

I am re-programming myself. I hope to be able to get to the bottom of the process.