Monday, April 8, 2013

Anger, so much anger

When I started writing this blog, it was therapeutic. I didn't know with whom to talk in a comfortable way, I didn't want to bother anyone with the same things over and over and so I started writing. Then, I started to feel better about my life and the blog turned out to be more a together or random thoughts and observations. Then in the last months, I didn't have time to write and I didn't feel like either, because I was just going through too much in my life.
Now I am back to this old friend. Because, although I am not in the same status and condition as when I first started this blog, I am also not a good place in my life either. In the last months I had and still have to make so many life-decisions for things that I would never do or accept if it was just about me. But when you get engaged to someone and deciding to marrying someone, then it is not anymore about "you" or "me" but it about what to do to make it work in the best possible way. And it is one compromise after the other and it is is scary because to be with that one person, I have a prospect of life with many things that I would have never even considered if it was just about me. Moving to a place that on paper may be wonderful as well as it could be hell, leaving the peace of the ocean and the safety of where I am now, accepting the baggage that comes with him (and for which he has no fault or responsibility) even if it is extremely unpleasant, be even more far away from my family, feeling that I have no place in the world no matter where I am because my life is all in pieces here and there.
It is months now that I am struggling and the only way I can cope with this is running and walking, walking and running. I escape social contacts because I am so angry and feeling uncomfortable all the time that nothing makes me aggressive and exploding....with the result that I am becoming socially awkward. Four-five months ago, I was positive, optimist and seeing the same things as adventurous challenges. Now I am just tired of all the difficulties that comes with the already per-se difficult decision I had to take.....I feel I can't take any more... it is already too much....why do things need to be so difficult sometimes? all over....not just my working life is difficult.....and I don't know how to get out of this and I don't want to talk to people about this, because overall is very boring and people are just different and would see my overall situation in a very different way, so none can actually advice me on anything...and if I would talk about this with my family, they would just get worried and if I would talk about this with my fiance' (although I do it), he would feel responsible and guilty, when he actually has no responsabilities....

I just feel that I have to do what I have to do and hope for the best....but it is not really a good way to approach things for me....I wish I could be more enthusiastic....but the past months and events really killed my enthusiasm for all these things.....

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