I just read this very nice article on the BBC News about being single or being part of a couple. I loved this piece. It is honest. Or I felt it is.
I have been there. I have been asked what was wrong with me for not being in a relationship (although now I am again part of a couple), why do I not want to settle down, why do I need to be so independent to make so difficult to be with me as a couple, why...why...why.....like if being alone instead of being part of a couple is a curse.
Understand me. I love being in a relationship with a person I love. But I do also love myself a lot. This has been a problem already in the past. I recognize this. But I do love myself and my life. And being part of a couple has never been (and I doubt it will ever be) the center of my life, nor what defines me as a person or for who I am.
Certainly, I would rather be alone than with a person who does not love me as much as I love myself.
Certainly, I would rather be alone than with a person who does not love me for the way I am.
Certainly, I would rather be alone than with someone who think he should be the focus of my life.
And this does not mean that I am unable to love or of being part of a couple. It means that it will take a little bit more effort for me to find someone who will respect, understand and appreciate than in my life being part of a couple is something that make me happy, yes, but it is only part of something that makes me happy.
...and this fear of being alone that often (at least for people I know) urges a person to be part of a couple, to not spend the week ends alone, to not have to face the pressure of the world that points the finger at single people, to just be with someone......well, in my case, it has happened that I felt lonelier in a couple sometimes that when I was truly alone, single.
When it comes to me, it actually freaks me out quite a lot the idea of being in a couple, and especially the idea of long term commitment, the idea of making decisions not only based on what it is best for me and my life, but based on what it is best for "us" as a couple, the idea of something becoming a routine rather than the true pleasure of being with someone......
I can say for experience that people relax a lot when they can fit you in one of the "standard" boxes (in couple, married, straight, gay, weird....), when they stop seeing you as a threaten to their stability and their securities of what it is known........
.....I do feel very very lonely sometimes and I am happy to be in a relationship with a person with whom I have no problems to think about myself as a part of a couple, but I hope that I will never forget to love myself first. It is my own duty to make myself happy. And if this will mean to be single again at any point in my life and have people looking at me as "poor her" or start asking uncomfortable and rude questions again, I hope that I will be able to be true to myself and not settle down for what someone else from the outside expects from me.
In any case, enjoy the article on the BBC.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
2 comments:
Everything you said is so powerful and I wish more women loved themselves!
I myself am going through a tough time in my relationship...mostly that I want to "know where it is going" after three years as far as marriage and family and my boyfriend doesn't even want to think about it.
Relationships can be so tough sometimes. And drain you. I have to remember to love myself as well and not lose myself and what I want in life. Very good post!
What I can see for myself, my sister, my mom, many of my girlfriends is that women tend to put other people, especially if they love them, always or often in front of themselves. I am not saying that we should all be selfish, but some healthy selfishness sometimes would not be bad. But it is difficult to learn.....but we should learn, because it is up to us (at least in part) to at least try as much as we can to have what makes us happy. If it doesn't work, at least we will have tried our best.
I am sorry to read that you are facing a tough couple time now. I think most women and most men want the same things but at very different times.
Most men I know would go for something steady.....a day by day life in which things just happen. Most women I know (and I include myself here) after some years of being together, maybe living together, need something more. Maybe not necessarily a marriage, but at least a plan.....Most men I know are allergic to these kind of talks, it doesn't matter how much they love us.
I can only talk from experience in this case. I have been loved fully and deeply in such a way that I don't think I could be loved like that again or at least, it doesn't happen very often I think to be loved and adored so much and feel it. I have been very very lucky to have experienced that. But then in my woman head I have never ever understood why someone could love me so much, so fully, so deeply, so honestly and be so scared of wanting to actively have a realistic plan of a life (or at least until it last) together....instead, he would go for a calm, steady day by day life together as a couple. Then of course, I became more needy, he became frustrated and everything felt apart miserably.
I read once that men who are scared of commitment is just bullshit and that they are trying to escape or they are not very convinced. I don't believe this at all. Maybe some men are like this. But many others are just scared of the responsibilities and they just don't want to grow up and feel responsible for someone's else happiness...and honestly, part of me understand all this very well and this is why I am very afraid of commitment too.
The difference is that I would be afraid, think about it, freak out about it from time to time, imagine the worst scenario, and then solve to go for it and if it doesn't work think that I can always step out of the whole thing.
Other people instead go trough the whole process and decide that it is better to step out of it now or ignore things instead of committing and then end up as a couple that throw dishes and pots (well, maybe this happens only in Italy...) at each other....
There is not an easy solution. Just be true to yourself about what you can take or not, about what you are willing to go trough for this person or not, about what makes you happy or not. And most important of all, remind yourself to love you more than anyone else could love you (easier to say than to do it)...
Post a Comment