Rejuvenating treatment

I came back from Italy only a few days ago.

I didn't do too much there, beside sleeping a lot, reading, eating good food (and quickly gaining weight. Italian food is SO GOOD!), spending time with family and friends, going to the swimming pool or to the sea.

The result is that I came back not only very relaxed, but I apparently look also rejuvenated. Probably it is due to the fact that I don't have anymore the deep black circles under my eyes due to the lack of sleep. Or probably it is due to the fact that my face is not all wrinkled as when I spend hours frustrated in front of the computer trying to finish something....anyway, the result of my 10 days in Italy is that I relaxed a lot, spent quality time with myself and my family and friends, and now I look happier and younger.

The time I spent away from here was also very useful in helping me to keep things in perspective. I realized that I am actually happy that I didn't get one of the jobs I applied to this year. It wouldn't have been good for me. And even if at work everyone makes me feel that I am too old already to get a permanent position, I realized when I was in Italy that almost 35 is not old at all, whatever people here may think and I shouldn't let their opinions influence me and the way I feel about myself and what I did till now (which maybe will not give me a job easily, but it gave me a lot of beautiful memories and experiences).

.......coming back here made me feel a bit home sick.....

summer cleaning

I am taking one week-10 days off from work. Let's call this time holidays, although it is more just time for myself. I need, at least once a year, some time to just chill out and put things in the right places in my life.

Where to do that? I decided to just come to Italy, to my mom's place, where I can always find a way to get a break from my normal life....which, to be honest is not very normal anyway....

First step, as soon as I get to my room, the one I had before moving out from Italy, about 10 years ago, I start opening all the closets and look for old things to trow or give away. Then I begin by organizing the rest of the things. It is a process that may take a few days, as after the clothing, there are the books, the magazines, etc. By doing that, I feel in some way like if something inside me is getting in order too. By the end of the process, I may have gotten ride of one or two things, as I am too attached to everything to easily trow or give things away. But it is mentally very helpful.

And maybe it is because I am approaching my 35 years and this time, age is hitting me. But I feel ready for some major "summary" of my life so far. I really thought I would have got a permanent position this year, which I didn't. And I don't think to be over that yet. It still bothers
me. But that it is not the only thing. I am trying to realize all the things that are not the way I wish they were in my life and that do not make me happy. And I hope to change or improve them.

I feel lucky in having a place where I can always hide, rest, feel very welcomed and loved any time I need.

I should move to Scotland

...This is at least what a colleague of mine, on a work trip with me to Spain, told me. She spent I don't know how many years in Edinburgh and when I told her that my ideal guy is a classical Northern type (meaning tall and with blue eyes) with either blondish (but not too blond) or reddish (but not too red) color of hair, she asked me what am I doing in France.

....Of course, life is not about finding some good looking attractive guy, but I got to the point in which if I am in any Southern European country, I rarely find an attractive man, but as soon as I move North, I can at least see a few of them. She suggested me to get a job either in Holland or in Scotland.......

I just saw a movie with Ewan McGregor. I didn't like the movie, it actually the main character made me angry, but I did enjoy seeing Ewan McGregor in there. I didn't say it. He is Scottish. He does look not masculine enough for me, but still.....

Ok, I am definitively too picky......

Love, anger, affection, and nothing

I was just wonder: is anger toward a person better than nothing?

When a deep, tormented, happy, passionate love relationship is over, what does it remain?

I just came back from a work road trip that I shared with two other girls and of course, because of the hours spent in the car traveling, we had a lot of girl's talks.

One of us is in her 3rd year with a guy she loves, she is attracted too and everything. So all good. But she does still think about one of her ex-boyfriends. She said that he wasn't for her. She said that she is very happy with her current boyfriend. But she also said that while for her other ex-boyfriend she could just feel very happy when she heard that they moved on, for one of them she still has some sort of feelings. Not that she would like to have something with him again, because she is happy where she is with the person she is now. But she also said that she had such a passionate, intense, deep love with this guy, that even if it is over and since longtime, she can't still think of him with someone else without feeling a pain and she still thinks of him from time to time and wonders if it is better to feel a passionate, intense love, or a deep love and attachment. She just know that she is happy, but she wonders what there is still so much left over from her old relationship after so long.

And so we wondered what happened after we break up with someone with whom we had something very intense. Last summer I met an ex-boyfriend of mine. I loved him very deeply. He is the person who gave me again confidence in men, who tough me the meaning of love and happy relationship. At a certain point, when I realized that we wanted different things, I ended the relationship. It took me a bit to get over it, but I did. And now I think of him with love, affection, gratitude and I have a lot of good memories, but I am happy for him if he is happy and I am happy if he has someone else who makes him happy. When we met last summer, he told me that he was still angry at me. After about 6 years after the end of our relationship, he was still angry at me.

I couldn't believe it.

So, during these long trips in the car, us, three girls, we started to wonder about what we would like that our lost big loves would feel for us. I think that nothing is the worst thing of all the possible scenarios. Someone who for me meant so much and with whom I shared so much ending up feeling nothing for me. I guess that this may have something to do with my father, but I have a dreadful fear of just being easily replaced. I want to feel special and irreplaceable. I know that it may sound very childish, but I honestly would like that in the same way as I have special thoughts for the person with whom I had a very passionate, intense, deep relationship, this person also would keep me in his heart in a special place together with a lot of nice memories and thoughts about me.

It helped me to talk about these things with other girls. It helped me to feel that I am not the only one who questions herself, no matter if the others are single or with someone else. It didn't solve anything and it was still just a lot of girl's talk, but some time it is very comforting to feel that I don't come from another planet and that I am not that weird after all. Sometimes, it is very comforting to feel a sense of belonging.

Sometimes it would be very comforting to feel that all the love that we invested on someone, all the good things, how we used to be so special for each other, it is still there in some way and that we both keep a space in our heart for that special person who made us feel so much. I have this space in my heart. Childishly, I would like to be reassured that the people I loved so much, have it too for me.


PS. I think someone just peed on my balcony from the apartment above. They are having a party. I was watching a movie and I heard some liquid dropping in the bucket that I have on my balcony. I hope that it was just some beer and not really some pee, but I am not sure......BLEAH!

and after yesterday.....

...after my down mood yesterday (I guess it has also something to do with the pms), a wake up at 6.30am because I have too many things to do and to think about, a lot of work, getting ready for another trip tomorrow, and visiting a friend, on my way back from her place to my place, I stopped by at the Virgin store to get buy a dvd and when I saw Little miss sunshine, one of my favorite movies, discounted, I had no doubts on what to chose.

I loved this movie the first time I saw it and I loved it even more now. Each one of the characters is great and the actors are wonderful. It is such a nice story. So, I just had a very relaxing evening. I guess I should go to bed right now, as I will have to wake up early for the trip tomorrow (and I may have to drive and I hate driving!).......

Carrot bread

I made a carrot bread today. It turned out to be so good! Here the recipe:

Ingredients:
200 g of flour, 4 eggs, 330 g of grated carrots, 180 g of margarine, 10 g of baking powder, 10 g of baking soda, 5 g of cinnamon, 2 g of nutmeg powder, 100 g of raisins, 1 tablespoon cinnamon, 50 g of brown sugar, 150 g of normal sugar, a pinch of salt, some additional brown sugar for the topping.

Grate the carrots and place on a kitchen towel. Cover with another towel and let dry. Rinse well the raisins in water, so that they become softer. Beat together the eggs, the margarine, and the sugar (brown+white). Mix them well till you get an homogeneous compound.
Sift together flour, baking powder, baking soda, salt, cinnamon, nutmeg powder, raisins. Add the carrots to this compound and pour the egg mixture into the dried ingredients (flour et al.) and mix well.
Grease a baking pot, pour the mixture and sprinkle the surface with a bit of brown sugar. Bake at 180 degrees for 40'-one hour.

This cake is quite similar to the one I posted here. I like them both and everyone else who tried them, loved them too!

Sex and the city 2- after the movie

I finally saw it. Sex and the City 2.

I have to say that watching it in French it is not the best way of seeing it. Carrie has a horrible voice in French. And the dialogues, I am sure about it because I did the comparison between the original and other version of the series, lose some sparkles in the translation.

But I generally liked it.

It may be because I was so prepared to such a bad bad movie after reading all the negative comments on the movie database, that I didn't have high expectations. Of course, they could have dressed Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte a bit more like "normal" people when they were in Abu Dhabi, and there is one day (in the movie is the same day) in which they are in the desert and they change 4 times, always wearing fabulous dresses. It is true, there is not such a big story behind this movie, and true also that Carrie looks quite selfish in this movie (these are some of the comments I read about it). But the point is: 1) Carrie is a selfish character, even in the episodes, so no surprise there. I think that the fans of Sex and the City knows her that way. 2) The dresses were exaggerate for being in Abu Dhabi probably. But I have never been there, so, I don't know. Maybe they were not so out of place, if the state is considered to be the new Dubai. The movie is a lot about the different outfits of each of them. But so it was the previous movie. I guess that it is more and more a characteristic of Sex and the City being something like a fashion show too. I don't find it adding something the movie, and some of the outfits were out of place (e.g. the skirt of Carrie when she meets Aidan at the market downtown), but I guess that it was predictable that clothes would play a bit role in this movie. 3) The story behind this movie is really poor. True, there is not such a big story, but there are a lot of more daily little stories in there. I don't have kids, but I love the scene in which Miranda and Charlotte get together to talk about their frustrations. And I felt close to Carry when she got a bad review for her book (I don't write books, but I have to write a lot of articles for my work and sometimes I get very bad reviews too).

I also read that the movie is kind of racist, especially because of Samantha's behavior, shows that Americans know little about the culture of other places and comments of this kind. Samantha is Samantha. She is very true to her character. And in fact, in a different culture, she gets in trouble for being so liberal. I didn't find it respectfulness. Of course, Samantha was there for work-reasons, but wasn't the goal of the person who invited her there to let her know and appreciate the place so that she could propose it as a fancy-luxury holidays location? She explored the place in her own way. And I don't think that the movie portraits Americans in a bad way.

Conclusion: it is not a great movie, and the series is still better than any of the two movies, but after all I liked it, I spent some 2 nice hours with some girlfriend, we went out after it to talk about it (and of course to talk about other things too), it made me feel very light, it made me feel I wish I could wear some of those dresses and shoes just to try them on (and I am very far from being someone interested in fashion and shoes, but some of the clothes they were are wonderful!), it made me laugh. So, all of these, are very positive things!

And Liza Minnelli is great! Really a plus to this movie! I saw her playing in "Arrested Development" and she has an amazing personality, whatever the role she has to play. Really a top part of this movie.

Let me know if you watched it and what you think about it.

sex and the city 2

I am planning to go to watch Sex and the City 2 this evening. I was just reading the reviews here. They are horrible. This movie got very, very bad reviews. Now I am even more curious to see it.

sunny days

It is so nice the weather now, that I feel like spending a lot of time outside exercising. Since this is not possible during the week, because I am working a lot and I get home so tired that I have no energy to even change to go running, I started since a few weeks doing some exercises at home in the morning and in the evening when I get back from work. Of course, I also bike or walk or skate to work, but that for me doesn't count. I always do that.

It is very nice and very relaxing. On top of the mental benefits, I start to see some muscle definition in my spaghetti-arms (called spaghetti-arms after I heard this term from the olandesino (not referring to my arms), to indicate arms without muscles (exactly like mine)). NICE! I like muscled arms. I actually love them! So, it is my goal to get well-defined and toned arms by the end of the summer.

I started with some push-up and I still can't do more than 10 one after the other, but I am now able to do more repetitions, which is already a small satisfaction. This evening I did arm exercises, abs and butt exercises. I just take one random issue of Shape or Self magazines that I have here, look for some exercise that I can do at home and do 3 replicates of each. It doesn't take too long and it makes me feel good. I wish there would always be sun, it really motivates me to move more. And the more I exercise, the better I feel and the better my body look, and so the more motivated I feel to move more. Circular things!

Happy exercising to everybody!

New road

I had a very relaxing week end. Just what I needed after traveling so much. I have been reading, sleeping, walking around today. And this evening I finally decided to get on my bike and explore my neighborhood.

In a couple of days it is 2 years that I live in France. Wow. Time passes so fast. I can't believe that it is already two years. But if I think about it, it seems that living in my other apartment was just in another life and that all the past, my life in Germany or Holland or the USA was at the same time not too long ago and very long ago, depending on what I think about. Time is so relative. It always amazes me.

Anyway, after moving so much around the world, I realized that I need about a year to start to get comfortable in a place and about two years to actually start to feel that I live in a place (this with the exception of Amsterdam, where I felt home after probably just a few weeks living there). So, today I felt that it was about time to explore a bit the territory around my apartment. I fought my allergy (pollen allergy. Terrible in this season in the Mediterranean area. I don't have it as soon as I move away toward Northern Europe or the USA). I biked around and I saw some nice area and I also discovered that there is a small park near by. I never know where to go running, since I don't like running on the road with cars passing near by. Now I found a park (very small.....I don't know if it would be good for running) and I realized that there is a short cut to go to work from my place, with a bike road. Quite cool! It took me exactly a year to find it.

Thinking about a year ago, I realized how many things changed in the last months. A year ago my fellowship was just ending and I had to live with another fellowship giving me only 1000 euros a month. And then, out of nowhere, when I was close to get jobless, I got a job offer for two months and then for a year, so that I could keep working and living here. And everything happened in such an expected way...Life can play some weird games for us....
All this to say that what started from very little, now gave me a life in France for over two years, some friends and starting to feel comfortable where I am....not so bad after all!

This French life

I finally slept a lot this morning. And then I started my day with a French treat. I went to the nearest bakery and I bought some fresh baguette for my breakfast. I got back home and had a nice breakfast with strawberries, baguette, coffee with soy milk, jam and honey. Very nice.

Then my plan for the day includes sitting outside at a coffee place with a friend to chat and relax. And tomorrow hopefully, I will bike to the beach where I will relax in the sun sleeping and reading my book.

Life can be quite nice :-)!

PS. The new movie of Sex and the City is coming out soon here in France too!!! Looking forward to that!

Traveling again

I was supposed to get a train to go to Italy. My best' friend kid is going to be baptized tomorrow. Plus, on monday is my father birthday (not that we ever celebrate the birthdays together), plus I wanted to spend some time with my grandma and mom.

I got back from my previous trip deadly tired and I also had a job interview yesterday (but I didn't get the job). Traveling was the last thing I wanted to do now, no matter if it was about going to Italy or in any other place. I just would like to sleep, enjoy the sun here and have a day in which I can just do nothing if I want to.

I got an email before yesterday, at 11 pm saying that I should go to Perpignan for work. Fortunately Perpignan is still in the South of France and hopefully I can be back tonight.....but still. I canceled my trip to Italy, I woke up at 6am this morning and I am getting ready to move again...

My friend didn't take it well at all. I expected that. She took like I don't care about her and she is not part of my priorities....I knew it. My grandma was not happy either, but she understood. My father will take it very badly too.......

It is amazing how the ones who really give me less in their lives, from whom I never hear in months, than get very disappointed if for ones I let them down and I am not doing what it is supposed to be the right thing. Going to Perpignan is not ideal either for me, but the trip is for sure better than spending 12 hours in a train to be in Italy for 2 days to spend other 12 hours in a train to get back. Of course, as it is me traveling all the time and not them, it is difficult to understand how I could be tired of moving or how I need to be selfish now to be able to sleep and just be without having deep bags under my eyes all the time. I am aware that not going to Italy may not be the right thing to do, but why when I do something to take care of myself which doesn't match the expectations of other people (whom I spoiled probably too much, always thinking about them), then I get people I care a lot about giving me a lot of problems for it???

On the move again

I got back from my trip across Europe. I had a great time (beside the horrible weather in Slovenia and Hungary) and the work seemed to be successful (I have to wait for the results to know that for sure).

I slept very little and now I am crashed. Totally. I have a job interview tomorrow and between being very tired, not in a great mood shape, and being quite nervous about it, I can't say that I am ready for it.

Then I will travel again. I feel I am living with a suitcase. This time I have to go to Italy. And I write I have to go because if it was just up to me, I would spend the coming week end biking to the beach and sleeping either on the beach or here at home. Instead, I have to go. I have one of these things that I have to do to not disappoint a good important friend for me. I am sure that she would not understand if I will say that I can't make it because I am behind being tired. Then after this trip, I will have to go to Marseille, to Spain and to Perpignan. For work, of course.

I wish I could disappear in some place with no computer, no internet, no phone, nothing and just sleep and recover without being worried of not finding a job after that. I am so tired!!!

PS. Out of topic, but very good news! Elio Germano won a prize at the Cannes film festival. I am very proud!

Heading to Hungary

Getting ready for the next work trip. I am traveling all the time and when I am at home, it is often so short that I can't even feel home (nor find the time to do the laundry without rushing and leaving again with half of my clothes still wet).....

When I saw the movie Up in the air I felt very empathetic toward G. Clooney...even if I really like to be at home (chez moi) and spend some time just by myself, for myself, pampering myself.

Before this new trip, this morning I decided to pamper myself with a facial mask. Facial masks are cool, but I don't know how anyone who lives with someone could still treat herself with a facial mask....I would honestly feel ashamed in going around the house with a green tick mask on my face knowing that someone could be around or could enter in the apartment and seeing me like that......

One of the luxuries of living alone I guess......

Thanks god there is Sex and the City

I just had an horrible day today.

Last night I worked till 2.30am on a presentation for this morning. The presentation is for a job interview. I expressively made it quite general, so that people could help me to address the points on which to focus more or less.

I woke up at 9 (so I didn't even sleep 8 hours....and I am someone who needs to sleep a lot) and my day went: first work meeting at 1.30pm, second work meeting at 2pm (very intense meeting that ended at 3.40pm), my presentation's trial at 4pm.

The first comment was that my presentation was bad.
Just like that.
Nothing less, nothing more.

This is a bad presentation. Sweet!

Second comment. This presentation is too general, it doesn't say anything...and from there on, it didn't improve at all. Beside, as I have never worked in a French system till recently or studied here, I don't clearly fit in one of the categories in which you need to fit when you apply to a job. I tried to fit my experiences to these categories and it turned out that:

a) I didn't do a good job, as I clearly misinterpreted some of the categories and
b) consequence of the above is that it looks like I lied in my job application....which of course, it doesn't look so good....
c) obviously the jury will ask me why this discrepancy between my application documents and what I actually did
d)....I will need to explain how little I understood of the French University system....which of course, doesn't look good again.

The presentation ended up with one of the people there asking me if I really wanted the job and another one asking me why I applied to it when there are people out there who would really strongly wanted it.

I would say that it was a success!

I literally felt like shit. Nothing less.

I came back home, crawled on the couch, stayed motionless with a blank mind for I don't know how long, then cooked something, ate and finally decided to watch again for the billion time the first season of Sex and the City (while I look forward to the new movie), while doing some exercise....and I finally started to relax a bit.

Such a crappy day, saved at the end by Sex and the City and some good phone calls by people who love me no matter if I fit or not the French system (but I would need to find a permanent job soon or later).

PS. Top of the day...my famous tooth still hurts (and I think my dentist doesn't know anymore what to do with it)!