Wonderful men

I am in Italy, middle way to my new life.

This morning, I received an email from a strong woman who is often put down by her partner who doesn't appreciate her. I witnessed this behavior of him. And I didn't like it. I grew up with my father, always putting down my sister, my mom and I. Often making us feeling that we were not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, something not enough. My first serious relationship was with someone like that too.
Dominant men who probably are just too insecure about themselves to be real partners for someone. Men who like to dominate. My uncle is like that too. Never interested in other people opinions if these opinions don't match what he thinks. Men who are mentally abusive, who try to make people around them feeling like they are lucky to have this man around.

I wrote this multiple times in this blog. I was lucky enough, very lucky, to have met to great men in my life. Two people who not only made me feel appreciated for the exact way I was, but who also continuously showed me how much they loved me just the way I was. I received a lot from life so far, but meeting these two people is probably one of the best things ever happened to me. They changed the way I look at myself, I was a better version of myself with them because they were so supportive, so loving, so appreciative. They both thought me what it means and how it feels to be loved just for the way I am. This doesn't mean that they necessarily loved any aspect of me, but they loved the entire package, so that the things of me that they didn't like so much were not a big deal. I have never felt wrong or out of place or bad with them. I wish everyone in his/her life would meet someone who can make her/him feeling this way.

I get so so angry when I see people who try to put down others. I see this among my friends, I see this at work. People who are apparently so strong and dominating that act like anyone else is lucky just to breath the same air they do. When someone tries to put me down, now I react. Forcefully and strongly. Last time I saw my uncle he was trying to convince me about something he was completely wrong about...something related to my work. He wanted to be right, so when he saw that he couldn't convince me, he tried to shut me up saying "ok, now there is going to be a new Wikipedia according to XXXX (saying my name)" and laughed about it, trying to humiliate me in front of others. Of course, he is so strong and forceful that everyone else thought that he was right and I was wrong. The point is not who was right or wrong, but the fact that I was not allowed to have my own opinion and express it and defend it because it was different than his. These dominating people, when they see that they cannot convince the other, often go for humiliating this person, generally in front of other people.

I grew up with this, until when in my 20s I had the incredible good luck of bumping in two amazing men, one after the others, who taught me what respectful love and appreciation is. I will never thank them enough for what they did for me and to me.
I wish every woman could meet someone like that in their lives. It could be their father, their partner, a close friend. And I wish every woman would learn to react to oppressive, abusive men, instead of thinking that this person will change.

....but sometimes fortunately, people do learn how to improve this. A men could be unappreciative, but at the same time not trying to put the other person down or at least not often. If the person cares enough about the other, then there is room for improvement. It is a lot of work and it has a lot of ups and downs, but sometimes, it works. I experienced this. It is not easy and it does require a lot of work and patience, but sometimes it pays off.
None should put anyone else down to feel better about themselves.
None should allow to be put down by someone else.
I wish everyone would have next to them someone who makes them feeling precious and special and loved and appreciated every day for this. 

Creepy men

I have a special talent. The one of often, way too often, attract creepy men.
I may smile too much.
I may be too friendly.
I may look too innocent.

I have no idea why this keeps happening to me, but no matter where I am, I almost always manage to find a creepy man.
I was just in the Galapapos for work. Walking on the beach on a very early morning. This 70-75 years old guy was also there with his brother in law. There were not too many people on the beach. They approached me and asked if I wanted them to take a picture of myself there. Why not?

One of them took the picture and started to tell me all about his life. That he is Ecuadorian, married to an Italian woman and they live in Canada. That he loves Ecuador and any time he can, he tries to go back to his country and especially visit the Galapagos....that his brother has a tv station....do I want to make a movie?

no?

a documentary maybe?

no?

his brother in law has also a radio station, the only one you can receive also in the Galapagos. Do I want an interview?

no?

while he was keeping tormenting me with questions, I was politely trying to walk away.....and he kept following....finally, considering the age difference, I was much faster than him and I managed to put some distance between us. He left the beach.

On the way back from the beach to the main road, I found him again. He started to talk to me again and he followed me to where I was staying. I told him that I had to work and I was very busy. He took a taxi and left. I thought that my encounter with him could be considered over after that.

Not really....he came back to where he left me and asked about me. A woman came to look for me and I asked her to please tell to the man that I was too busy with work to stop doing what I was doing. He left his card, demanding to this woman to please give the card to me and to remind me to contact him.

I got the card.

I went for lunch with some colleagues and he was there. As soon as we sat at the table, he appeared from nowhere......did I get his card?

yes, I did.

Am I going to write him?

uh?

please, remember to write me.....

Was the guy stalking me? how could have been there too?

I met him other two times after this day. Fortunately, I was never alone when I met him. Fortunately, one of these times I made him understanding that I wanted to be alone with one of the guys who was with me....which luckily, even if happily married, played along to help me to avoid this insistent man.

The thing is....why wherever I go I always meet creepy guys?
maybe there are too many of them out there....or maybe I have something special to attract them.... :-(

Totally predictable

....it may be totally predictable to an average Portuguese man, but it was not totally predictable, nor expected to me.

Let's start from the beginning.

After waiting for two months for someone to come to repair the windows in my apartment from which I had water leaking inside in any room any time that it was raining, after missing many work days to be at home because some imaginary man should come to repair my windows, after getting very angry at my landlord, after a lot of frustration, finally last friday afternoon someone came to fix the problem.

I was working from home while he was doing what he had to do to solve the leaking problem. I have to state here, up front that I am very very naive.....but sometimes I think my being naive is very close to be stupid and unaware of things.....I don't know how someone could theoretically not trust anyone, but at the same time believe that every single human being is a good person.

Anyway, back to the story. I was working and this guy started to talk to me.
I thought that it was bored, so I politely replied. The conversation went more or less like this (in a mixture of Portuguese/Spanish language):

Him: since how long I lived in Portugal?
I replied.
Him: for how long will you stay in Portugal?
Me: none can say it, with this economy......
Him: do you live alone?
Me (starting to feel very nervous and politely smiling very nervously): mmmmmmm
Him: alone...I mean, no husband, no boyfriend....
Me: eh????
Him: do you like Portugal?
Me (feeling kind of relieved because I thought that we shifted the topic of conversation): Yes I do for most things.
Him: and Portuguese men?
Me (blushing from the toes to the top of my head): eh?

......it must be said that sometimes I thought that I misunderstood the Portuguese and that he really didn't mean what I thought he was asking me....but no....he was really hitting on me....

Me: I have to work, sorry.
Him: you are at home.
Me: yes, I am at home to let you in to finally repair the windows, but I have to work.
Him: You have very beautiful eyes.
Me: uh?
Him: so clean, like the eyes of a baby.
Me: ok enough.....I really have to work, sorry....
Him: are you on facebook?
Me (and I was actually telling the truth): no. I hate facebook.
Him: you should get on facebook.
Me: sure, after I am done with work, ok?

Finally I think he got the message....but I was feeling very very uncomfortable. I mean I don't like to be rude, but come on.....
I told this story to a couple of Portuguese people I know here and the guys who listened to the story told me that it was obvious and totally normal......Normal??? I mean, someone comes to repair something in the apartment and I should expect that he is going to hit on me? normal according to which planet???

But at least it looks like that while he was bullshitting with me, he also did what he was supposed to do and the windows are apparently (and I really hope so) fixed.

What a jerk

I know. Jerk is not a nice word to use in a blog. And it is not a nice definition for a person....but what can I say? I met someone recently who was a real jerk.

Let's start from the beginning.
I just got back from the USA. I am totally under jet lag effect. I do really bad with jet lag....and I can't afford being lazy and recover my normal biorhythm because I have a coming deadline for work.....

Being in the USA, in my old lab, meeting my old boss, etc. brought back a lot of memories and mixed feelings. Did I like to be there again? I liked to meet some of my friends who are still working there. My ex boss was very nice to me, which was a good thing since when I was there she was not my biggest fan. We may manage to start collaborating again for work, which I guess it is another good thing.

anyway, good things and bad things....

What I didn't like of being there again was the arrogance of people who think of being on top of the world, to best the most knowledgeable in the world....I like to discuss about my work, I like to collaborate (with people I like), I like to discuss about scientific subjects and possible projects. What I don't like is people looking at me and talking to me with arrogance, listing me all the amazing things they did and how good they are and how amazing is their work and what they are planning to do and how useless my work and my knowledge are. Of course, not everyone there is like that. But I would say that the average level of arrogance is much higher there than where I work now.

The top of the whole thing has been a Brazilian guy who was there for a short work visit who offered me a job in Brazil. The whole thing went like this:

Him: I may have a job for you in Brazil, if you want it.

Me: A job? which kind of job?

Him: A permanent position there. I am going back there and I can find you a position.

Me: to work on what?

Him: vector diseases (or something like that, I don't even remember, as it is not at all my field of expertise).

Me: but I know nothing about it. It is not my field at all.

Him: well, you can change.

Me: how can I get a permanent position to work on something I know nothing about?

Him: Brazil is the future. We are growing. Our GDP is very good......and so on praising Brazil.

Me: Yeah, I heard that despite the world economic crisis Brazil is doing quite well. But I just read a book in which the author highlighted that the GDP is not really a good measure of wealth of a country.

....and here he got very angry at me and he started saying that I don't understand anything because GDP measures the wealth of a country and I don't know anything about Brazil and that I shouldn't talk about things I don't know, etc.

I tried to explain to him that my point was not about Brazil, but that it was just a comment about something I recently read on the GDP. It is true that I don't know anything about GDP and economy and Brazil. I was not making a statement neither about GDP nor about Brazil. It was just because I finished a book on the plane in which the author pointed our that use of the GDP as a measure of how well a country is doing may be misleading.....that's all.

The whole conversation was already quite weird and it didn't end very well....I couldn't understand why with all the people looking for a job someone should offer me a permanent position on something which is not at all my field of expertise and not even close to it........

Things got clearer the next day when I spoke to a friend of mine who was present there during the whole conversation.

Apparently, after I left the room, the Brazilian guy started complaining about me, about how unpolite I have been with him, saying bad things about Brazil (which not only I didn't, but anyone who knows me also knows that it wouldn't be at all in my character to say bad things about a country I don't know. I was actually telling him that I know someone who works in Brazil and he is very happy......), insulting his country......

....but the most amazing part of the whole thing is that apparently he offered me a job to show himself off to me, to show me how powerful he is to be able to get me a job if he wants to. He wanted me to admire him and to think of him as an influential and powerful person.

Not only I didn't realize at all that he was trying to impress me (I am very naive....btw he is also married), so his attempt was completely unsuccessful, but I also didn't realize that he felt so badly offended by me.

...what a jerk.....there are still men in this world who think that they can impress a woman just by showing some power.....well, he certainly picked the wrong person for that. Too bad that I am sure that he didn't learn anything from the whole thing.

......just to conclude with a note about men......

I was sitting at a Starbucks working and a guy started flirting with me. This time it was a nice guy, fortunately. Very nice and very mannered.....but come on, I am there just for two weeks....what did he hope for when he invited me to meet for a coffee later after his work (invitation that I refused)?

.....he said that he has rarely met someone so interesting as me......

come on......lame attempt.....but at least he was a nice guy to talk to for a bit.

Honestly.....can men really get some women with so little such as showing some power or by flattering them???? maybe I am too cynical, but certainly it does not work with me......

Emotionally unavailable men

I am 36 and even if I do not have large experience when it comes to relationships and men, I can say that I have a bit of experience on this subject and that my experience is based on a sample size coming from many different parts of the world.
I had few very important relationships in my life. Two with someone from Italy, one with someone from Holland and one with someone from the USA. Plus, I base what I am about to write also on the experience of my girlfriends and sister.

Where are all the men/men gone? I am not talking about the dominant, bossy men, of course.
I am talking about men we could rely on and build something with, without them having a crisis and leaving us, without them not knowing what they really want, without them not being able to decide when it comes to important matters, without them not being able to distinguish between deep love and infatuation.

Of the four important relationship I mentioned before, three of them were with very good, incredible men. And I loved all of them very deeply, even if in a different way. I am someone for whom freedom is one very important value in life. I am someone who not easily gets into a relationship. I am someone who doesn't easily fall in love, and even less is willing to commit. I am complicated and I am very independent. I understand that I am not the ideal "couple" person. But when I am in a relationship, I am 100% in there. And I try, even if I don't always succeed, to work my issues with the other person.

What I am coming to realize lately is that most men I have met, my sister have met, my girlfriends have met are emotionally immature and when it comes to relationships they have no idea of what exactly that means......I think that "us", women, we are more aware of how we feel for someone and what we would like to have with this person. Them...I am not sure. They can love you very much and still not being aware of that or still feel that "it should be different" or still have many doubts on what being together means. I have met a lot of men who are afraid of feelings and strong feelings. And it didn't just happen to me.

I wonder what it is the right strategy to deal with these men. I am not the kind of person who would convince them to be with me or on how they feel for me. I can't be in their minds and know how they feel. And I have too much self-respect to be with someone who is not sure if he wants to be with me or what he wants. But I keep finding myself being asked to invest more than them, running the relationship not as a team but as a carrier, me being sure of what I want and them not being so sure about me/us (and they never know why that). This till the moment the relationship is over and then they suddenly realize that they can't live without me or they want me back. By that time, I am almost always saturated of their insecurities and I am never fully able to trust them that they got emotionally "more mature". I am also very very tired to feel the psychotherapist of every man I am with....because they all have issues......

I have issues too!!! a lot of them, believe me!!!!

But the thing is...if I have issues (or my sister or any of my girlfriends) is "us" being too demanding, irrational, putting pressure on them (men love this!!!!), & company. If they have issues, we have to understand. Or anyway we end up trying to understand because we love them. We have this sick spirit of saving the world.

I admit that I am very good in making relationships difficult and probably most of the women when they love someone feel very insecure (well, me for sure!) that the person they love may leave them. But the thing is. It is many many years that I am having distance relationships (which honestly suck!!!!) and for sure I wouldn't know from where to start if I would have again a "normal"/ in the same place relationship, but I often end up with the feeling of running away from a relationship and just think about myself in a very selfish way because I am sick of the situation and the fact that all the guys I have been with ended up not knowing what they wanted from me and with me.

So, what I got to wonder is: does it exist out there a man who is man enough to know what he wants from the person he is with and honest enough to admit it to himself and tell her? And how come most of my girlfriends, my sister and I keep meeting men who are sentimentally totally immature?

Thanks God I am not on facebook

Yesterday. On my way to go food shopping, I met one of the guys who was always flirting with me at the laundry place. I acknowledged his presence by saying hi to him. Nothing more. Just hi. From then on it was all about trying to convince me to sit at a cafe' with him to chat a bit.

I know him. I have been talking to him a few times in the past months, always at the laundry place where I go, before he had some trouble with the owner of the place and he disappeared. So, it was some months I didn't see him. I didn't miss him. I could easily go on with my life without seeing him ever again. But since I met him yesterday, I thought that it was polite to say hi, instead of just walking by. MISTAKE!!! I have beautiful eyes, sit down with me to drink something, chat with me.......etc, etc....fortunately, I had the excuse that I needed to do my food shopping before the shop would close. And then before leaving, he asked me if I had a facebook account "so that we could be in touch"......

I am not sure which part of my subtle insights he didn't understand about not having absolutely any intention to stay in touch. Maybe my insights were too subtle. In any case, I am glad that I don't have a facebook account. So, I didn't even need to lie, which I hate and I am not good at. Sorry, no facebook for me. I am actually quite against it (and even more lately, as it caused me a reason to get very upset at my last now ex-boyfriend). He tried to convince me on how good it is to have a facebook account to be up-to-date on what it is going on in the life of people we know. He didn't occur to him that the people I want in my life or that I want to be informed about my life, they are actually in my life and update on what it is going on without me being on facebook. If I don't have an account is exactly to avoid to have "whatever" person who means absolutely nothing to me among my facebook friends.

One of the few good things of always moving around is that at the stage of getting ready to move to another country, I always have to go trough a cleaning process. Selecting clothes, books, things that will make it to the next stage and I will bring with me, and things that will be left behind. The same goes for the people I meet in every place. Some are acquaintances, people I have met during my life but who didn't mean anything to me on the long term (and in some case even on the short). Not negative people, people with whom I may even have shared nights out or fun, but that just didn't add anything to me or my life. These people will be left behind, without a further thought. He will be for sure one of them and I am very happy for this reason to not have a facebook account, so I can easily avoid the feeling of having to refuse a facebook friendship from some of these people.

I am in the mentally "cleaning" process that preludes my next moving to a new country and starting my life over again (or a new life anyway). I have to say that beside all the negative aspects of moving all the time all over the places, this cleaning process is something that I love to be forced to go trough as it allows me to think about what and whom matter to me and gives me an incredible sense of freedom to be able to actually chose what and whom I want in my life. Otherwise, I think that if I wouldn't be forced to go trough this "cleaning" process, I would just keep going on without actually stopping to think if what I have in my life and the people I find myself sharing my life with (friends, acquaintances, maybe a boyfriend) are truly the people and the things I want in my life.

So, gladly I don't have facebook and the people I want in my life know how to find me and know about me anyway, no matter where I am in the world.

Dangers of being a nice friendly person

I remember a colleague of mine in Germany complaining about the men not looking at her there, in Germany. As a French, she always told me about how French men show their appreciation for women, how French men are able to make you feel attractive, pretty, noticeable, sexy, how French men.........................................................

.............The only French man working with us at that time was someone so pushy, someone who wouldn't know what a boundary of decency is, someone so convinced to be the best in the world in everything (especially when it would come to seduce women, according to him), that I thought that he was an exception. French men couldn't all be like that.

After 2 years of living in the South of France I can say that even if not all the French men I met here are like him, French men can be very pushy, and very insistent when it comes to flirting, showing you their attention and wanting to get yours.

Lately, a trip to the laundry place become also an adventure. An adventure of me playing the reserved, very polite, but also shy person and of the two guys there trying to flirt with me in any possible way. It doesn't matter whatever excuse you could tell them, I have a boyfriend, I am lesbian, I want to become a nun, I only date men who would jump out of a 10mt high bridge for me, nothing. They would keep going, feeling challenged by my refuse. None of them has been pushy or lacked or respect, but they do anything as possible to make clear to me that if I would like, they would be available to go out on a date with me. They have been offering me help transporting the laundry back to my place, going to shop with me, showing me the area a bit. Anything I could say, would give them an idea about a place they could invite me or something we could do together. I honestly don't even know if it is a role men have to play here, the macho flirting French romantic guy, or if they are actually interested. Not that it would make a difference to me.

Then I go food shopping. The guy standing in line behind me had just a bottle of coke. I asked him if he wanted to pass before me, as I had many things. He answered that no, he was not in a rush and I said "ok, you can still change mind, there are a few people before me". A few minutes go by and what does he do? he tells me that he changed his mind...................

...................but not about passing in front of me in line, not. About wanting to have a drink with me. So, again in a very polite way, we started the game of him inviting me for a drink (out, to his place, to my place, anywhere I would feel comfortable) and me politely refusing any of his offers. All this while standing in line and with people staring at us.

On top of this, today a guy on the street offered me to help transporting my laundry.

I am not a model. Physically I am a very normal looking person. It is true that sun and hot weather make hormones go crazy. But still, my hormones don't make me flirting with any man I meet on the street. Not even with every second one. They do not make me be any different of how I am in winter.

........two questions now.....
Is this a cultural French thing? that when there is a woman around you need to flirt and show that you are a man with needs?

Is it so much better to always receive attentions and comments like here in France than just feeling invisible as in Germany?

I for sure don't want to feel invisible for the person I like/love/I am with.....but I absolutely don't mind to be totally invisible for the other men....

I should move to Scotland

...This is at least what a colleague of mine, on a work trip with me to Spain, told me. She spent I don't know how many years in Edinburgh and when I told her that my ideal guy is a classical Northern type (meaning tall and with blue eyes) with either blondish (but not too blond) or reddish (but not too red) color of hair, she asked me what am I doing in France.

....Of course, life is not about finding some good looking attractive guy, but I got to the point in which if I am in any Southern European country, I rarely find an attractive man, but as soon as I move North, I can at least see a few of them. She suggested me to get a job either in Holland or in Scotland.......

I just saw a movie with Ewan McGregor. I didn't like the movie, it actually the main character made me angry, but I did enjoy seeing Ewan McGregor in there. I didn't say it. He is Scottish. He does look not masculine enough for me, but still.....

Ok, I am definitively too picky......

Spring is here

France, morning

I slept late this morning. I am even later for work.....I have to prepare for two jobs interviews in the next weeks, so it is also ok if I take it a bit easy with myself and try to get to the interviews not amazingly stressed.

It is official. Spring is here. I am in the part of France that has not been touched by the storm and the disaster and here we have sun every day, a minimum temperature of 10 degrees already, flowering plants with the first flowers and insects that start to come out.

It is official also that with the spring all the senses wake up and I see all these couples around to bill and coo. And it is some days already that every morning when I wake up, I can't stop myself from thinking of how nice I was living with the olandesino in Germany. Our lives there were pretty miserable, but our life together was wonderful and I remember it as one of the happiest moment of my life. We were not "officially" living together, as both of us had an apartment, but we were in fact almost always living together at his place. I loved waking up next to him and see his smile first thing in the morning. I loved when he was going to the bakery to get fresh bread in the morning. I love when some other mornings he was going to buy fresh fruits for breakfast and coming up with the fruits but also with some flower or a plant for me. I loved laying down on his hammock on his large balcony in the sun, while he was reading next to me or doing his things. I loved making fresh pizza on sunday. I loved watching all the animals that he had at his place and seeing him taking care of them. I loved when we fed the little prey mantis that were just newly born. I loved our week ends together. I loved when he was taking me in his arms making me feel home. I loved when he was singing songs of Frank Sinatra or Dean Martin, feeling completely comfortable with me there. I loved planning our holidays and sharing our dreams. I loved being and feel not just a couple, but a strong team. I loved immensely all that, and I miss feeling that way and having the chance to live all these things again.

Some people after years or even months complain about the routine of being a couple. I never had that. For me what others call it routine was all the little things that made living with the olandesino so special. All this happiness was years ago. All these happy memories are far happy memories unfortunately. I miss feeling that way. I miss feeling a team with someone. I miss sharing my life with someone. I miss growing stronger with someone. I miss the feeling that it doesn't matter what can happen in my life, I am not alone.

I never had that anymore. After that my relationships have been full of drama, living in different countries, and tears, and happiness too, but not in such a light way, there was always something else.

Never find a man like him

France, night

I hope that none will ever experience meeting and being with a man like Gregory Anton. Who is Gregory Anton? one of the main characters of the movie Gaslight. A character able to play with the mind of Paula, a great frightened Ingrid Bergman.

I have always been very, very afraid of mentally abusive men. I always thought that mentally abusive men are very difficult to spot, especially at first. I fortunately never met someone like the main character of this movie, but I did meet abusive men, two at least. Those kind of men who need to make you feel so little and so wrong in anything you do, that you start to wonder how you could have lived so far doing and thinking so many wrong things. And before you can realize, you think what they think, even better, if they can, when someone ask you something, they will answer for you. When you have a decision to take, they will take it for you. Again, fortunately none of the men who played a role in my life have been so bad as this Gregory, but I do know that there are insecure men out there who would turn to be mentally abusive with someone who would let them doing so because she is in love.

This kind of man scares me a lot, because it makes you feel (or at least it made me feel) that you don't know anymore where it is up and where it is down, what it is right and what it is wrong. And one of the things this kind of man would say often would be that what they say to you or suggest you to do, or push you to do, it is for your own good........................and unfortunately, this kind of man can be pretty convincing, especially if you are close to him.

I had someone in my life, a man, very close to me telling me that I was mad and trying to convince me that I was going out of my mind.
And I had a man in my life, actually my first serious relationship, for whom anything I was doing, saying or thinking was a sign that I was a whore. Both cases affected me a lot. And I can say that in this second case, he brainwashed me so much, or at least he tried so hard, that I was afraid of dancing or talking to any guy or having fun when he was around to avoid him to get angry at me and tell me all those things.

It took me quite long after my first relationship to be able to have any confidence and trust in a man again. Fortunately, from that experience on I only had in my life wonderful men, even if unfortunately things didn't work out anyway. But I keep well in my mind the memory of how I can allow people I love to mentally abuse of me, to avoid that something like that could happen again.

Did you forget your t-shirt?

France, morning

I am glad that it is getting a bit colder now. Not because I don't like the summer and the sun. On the contrary. But French men have this disturbing habit of going around without any t-shirt or shirt, as soon as the temperature increases a bit. They even prefer to have a bit of goose bumps because it is not yet that warm, than wearing something.

I would understand if these same men would not wear the shirt to do some hard work, but not. They just walk around, drive the car, etc. without it. I am not a nun, but still, I don't like it. Is it that much hotter with a thin t-shirt on? how can then men in other countries, where it is even warmer than here, survive with a t-shirt on? or is it just that these men like to show their bodies...and the thing being that not only the ones with a nice body and the six-pack abdominals are going around without t-shirt.....because, it may sound a bit racist, but at least, even if I still wouldn't like it, it would not that of an horrible thing to give a look at. No, just every man who feels like op! takes the t-shirt off and goes around without it. The ones with the big bellies, the ones with a lot of hairs everywhere, the good looking ones, the ones with tattoos everywhere. Just anyone who feels like.

So, now I guess that you can understand a bit better why I am glad that it is getting a bit colder.
I had more than enough of seeing men upper bodies walking around the streets for this summer.

too old

France, morning

I woke up early this morning, so I have a bit of time to write here. There is a lot going on in my life right now and I would need to step back for a moment to really realize what it is fully. Instead, I keep running all the time.

I was at a friend place a few evenings ago. I had a good time. And when I left, I realized something. Aging is really changing my way of looking at things. Beside the fact that I became more cynical, which is not necessarily a good thing, I am also much more detached and less interested about things that years ago were making me thrilling or at least feeling good.

The point being in this case, men attentions.
There was this young guy the other evening too. I say "young" because he is certainly younger than me, even if I am not sure how much younger. Anyway, he kept flirting with me all evening. And even if I know that this is his way of being, years ago I would have been very flattered anyway. Now, I just look at it with a smile. And I am becoming very good in giving the image of myself as a chick who while getting older, enjoys a lot to just be by myself...which I can't get it why, for men is very attractive....

So, without digressing too much. This guy drove a friend of mine and I near by home and during the trip he was complaining about how I never stop by to say hi to him at his place, even when I go running next to his apartment. Why I don't go to visit him since he has a very comfortable hammock on his balcony (and I love hammocks!!!). Why don't we get together next week, etc. etc. etc. Me, all along this, I was just standing in front of him smiling. Very polite, and meaning nothing special.

Then I got home, and I got a sms from him with his home address...as apparently I forgot where he lives since I never stop by.
Now, it is not that the guy is not attractive. On the contrary, actually, especially for being French :-). It is just that even if I watch a lot of Sex and the City and even if I love this show, I am not quite like that. I have never been like that. But getting older makes me feel that one night stand or a few nights are not for me. And that if I see that with this person it wouldn't go anywhere anyway, I don't even respond to the flirting.

I always enjoyed men attentions....I guess that now together with some white hair (fortunately at the moment only two...I control it almost every day!!!), also my way of looking at things changed in the last years....is it good or bad????

friendly or...too friendly?

France, evening

I just had a peeling off mask on my face. Together with the dead cells, the mask peeled off half of my face and lots of my hair too. I am so goofy....I think that my sister got all the feminine genes and I got what was left....

Anyway. Just yesterday I was reading a blog about how difficult is, especially when you are in a foreign country, to understand when a man is just friendly or when his being friendly passes the limit. And what happens to me today? On my way home, I stopped to greet a nice old lady who lives close by and with whom I talked already a few times. She was chatting from her balcony (balcony to balcony or balcony to street chats are pretty common here) with a woman and a guy on the street. The man, without saying hi, without saying anything to introduce himself, asked me: can I invite myself for dinner?
I was surprised, but I smiled as I thought he was a friend of the old lady and so he was probably joking, just to get involved in the conversation. I told him that if he counted on me to have something to eat, he chose the wrong person as I almost never cook. And he responded that it didn't really matter, as he eats very little and it was more for the company. I started to feel very uncomfortable and wanted to leave. But I also didn't want to be unfriendly, as the old lady is very nice.

In the next few minutes after this first exchange of sentences it came up a) that I am from Italy (and this seems to increase of about 80% my quotes with a foreign man) b) that I am from Tuscany (another 10% to add to my quotes) c) that the man would have liked to come home with me to keep talking about Tuscany and Florence and art with me (this because I was telling to the all of them how come that we had so many great artist working or from Tuscany).

At this point I got way more than uncomfortable. A person who you never saw before in your life keeps telling you that he wants to come home with you. How would you have felt in that situation at my place? I was not flattered at all. Beside, the man was probably at least 20 years older than I am. The old lady started to apologize for him, saying that he needs to grow up and that he talks too much. For me he absolutely went too far. So, from being a friendly person, I shifted immediately into a cold one, said au revoir (goodbye) and left.

After living for long time in civilized countries, like Germany, Holland and the USA, I forgot how pushy and disrespectful men can be in the South of Europe. I need to get back my cold look and definitively be less friendly with people I don't know.

In the middle of the night

France, evening

I just came back from the beach, where it was a bit cold and windy. But I enjoyed it and I even jumped into the water even if it was very cold. Now, I am going out for a relaxing walk with my best friend, the iPod.

Before, I wanted to write about last night. I came back home around 1.30 am and I soon fell asleep. I got wake up by someone crying very very laud. It was the middle of the night, 2.30 am. I realized that it was one of my neighbour. The one who lives with her boyfriend next door. She was crying very very laud, desperately. She walked into the corridor, still crying and then back inside her apartment. The walls here are not real walls and so I could hear her very well. I didn't know if knocking at her door and ask her if everything was ok, if she needed some help. As she came back home alone, I guess she had a fight with her boyfriend. I didn't hear him coming back at all. She kept crying and crying and I felt very sorry for her.

And I thought of myself, of how many times I cried in that way for a man too. The last time, not so long ago. I am sure my neighbors heard me too. And I got to think, is it worth it? shouldn't be being in a relationship something that makes you happy? sometimes we hurt the people we love most. Again, is it worth it? I felt like knocking at her door to ask her if she wanted to talk with someone. But first, my French is not good enough for this kind of deep conversation and second, it was none of my business and I don't even know her, beside the bonjour and bonsoir. So, I didn't. I stayed in my bed feeling miserable, feeling sorry for her and for anyone else who suffers a lot for love.

Fighting is part of being in a relationship, I guess. But when you are in a relationship and you start to feel less well than when you are alone, less stable, and you feel that the other person doesn't treat you with respect, no matter how divergent are the opinions, no matter who's fault it is, when the other person doesn't treat you as something precious, even if he/she loves you deeply, isn't the right time to re-consider the relationship? I know that when you deeply love someone this is very very hard and my tendency is to always find justifications for the behavior of the other person, always trying to forget about these moments. But these moments actually stay in my head and they just pile one top of each other, till everything gets ruined.
I heard my neighbours fighting so much, so many times and this girl crying so many times....

It is so much work being in a relationship. This is why if I am in a relationship, it means that the person is really worth it, otherwise, for me there is no reason to go through so much for someone who represents very little. At the beginning everything is great, beautiful and the small problems are cute, they are not even problems...but with time, only a few, very few people for me are worth to invest time, energy, days in which things don't go well, tears.
I am definitively not someone who is in love for love or relationships or marriage or any of these things.

some days

France, afternoon

I am back. And I got back sick. No idea of what I have. Actually, yesterday I got quite scared as I felt like I couldn't breath and I felt a strong pressure in my chest. But I am not having a heart attack, which is good. I got a check. So, I don't know what it is going on. I may have an arsenic poisoning due to my work, which would be quite bad too. If I have it, it shouldn't be a bad one anyway and I will get tested for it on monday. For now, I just have to take it easy.

I have to go to a weeding in two weeks from now. My cousin will get married. I am looking forward to this family occasion, but I also still don't know what I will wear. It will be at the beginning of May, which in Tuscany can be extremely mild, cold or warm. It will be inside (inside the church first and inside another place after). I have a couple of old dresses that I can wear, but then I would need to put something on the shoulder. I went to look for a nice short jacket or something else, but nothing. If you look for something in black, you can find plenty of things. In another color no way. I am not going to wear a total black to a wedding.

So, I got the idea to try other dresses. One was nice, but I had half of my breast outside it, which I don't think would be right for a church wedding.....While I was trying this dress I got to think "why every time that I lose weight, my breast disappears and the bottom part of my body still looks the same?". In this way the disproportion between my upper body and my bottom is even stronger. If I could think of an ideal shape for myself, I would prefer this disproportion to be less evident. At least most Mediterranean women also have a bigger breast. Look at Monica Bellucci for example. Instead, I am a real pear-looking woman.

Yes, I am in one of these days in which I look at myself in the mirror and I think "bah"! Some days I look at myself and I think "wow, your body is so athletic, you look so good, etc". Some days, like today, I am more for the "mmm, bah". I guess it happens to everyone. I wouldn't change anything in my body, but in these bah days I pick myself apart and I wonder how the parts that the olandesino always loved most of my body are the ones that I like less (like my legs).
I hope that I can find a boyfriend again who looks at my body in a less critical way than I do in these days. My best-friend just told me that I idealize relationships too much...Of course in a relationships also other things count a lot and it is not only the way the person we are with would perceive us for the way we look that makes them loving us for long term......attraction decreases after you know and are with the person since sometime and it is not as it was at the beginning....but it is nice to think that the person we are with still look at us and think "wow, I am very lucky, she is beautiful inside and outside"...So, this friend of mine thinks that only some lucky women find men like that, that look at their partner and still find her beautiful and attractive after some time. Then, I think in my previous two relationships I was a very lucky woman in this sense....and these relationships still didn't work out well....can't everything in life, it seems....but I can't help...maybe because I grew up with no father caring about me (or finding me minimally interesting to pay any attention to me) and no men in my family making me feel special in any way, that I still need today to find a man who adores me and makes me feel I make a difference in his life and I am precious to him (on top of the rest of course....).



PS. it doesn't fit to the topic of the post, but it fits to it in terms of clothes. I love love love the Gothic dresses! They look so feminine!!! does anyone know a nice internet website where I could look around for nice dresses? of course, not for the wedding. My family would kill me if I would show up with something Gothic or anything looking vaguely extravagant!

Men in San Francisco

Usa, afternoon

Something absurd is happening to me here....

Yesterday, beautiful day, very hot. I felt like going rollerblading in the Golden Gate Park. I rent the rollerblades and I went. A guy who was standing at the shop where I rented the rollerblades (and I thought he was working there too) saw that I was not feeling to secure yet on them. So, he offered to rollerblade a bit with me. He ended up rollerblading with me for about two hours, telling me a lot of personal things about his life, proposing to me and offering me to stay here with him and leave on his boat for whatever destination I wanted to. Just him and me. Of course, I declined the offer. He went on and on about how cool I am, about how sexy I was, about how cool is my job, about how cool is that I traveled so much.....everything about me was cool. Whatever, when a man or a woman wants something is always really good in telling you exactly what you want to hear. No that hard.

Today. Lunch break. I sit waiting for my salad and a guy (he was there with his girlfriend who was momentarily in the bathroom) ask me why I buy a tea there. I looked at him quite surprised and answered: "because I like it". What would you have answered? Well, he thought that I was someone he vaguely know who works at the bakery next door, where they also make good tea, so why buying tea from the concurrency? Of course, I never met the guy before. From there, he asked me where I work and we started to talk about Amazonian forest, animals, he just came back from the Indian tropical forest, where he saw some cool animals. He was very very friendly, but I found it weird. I mean, people here are friendly, but they don't normally approach someone out of nowhere and start to tell them about their life. Or is it normal for San Francisco? In any case, when his girlfriend came out of the bathroom, I friendly smiled to her and started to talk to her. Maybe I am too jealous, but if out of nowhere, as soon as I go to the bathroom my boyfriend starts a conversation with a complete stranger, I don't think I would like it too much....

But again, I am Italian. We are famous for being passionate and jealous....
And maybe men here are famous for being extremely friendly and out forward.

wet suite

USA, afternoon

If you read my blog since a bit of time, you know that one of my fundamental believe in life is that most men are bastard, till they prove to me to be the opposite. However, I still strongly appreciate to look at them, especially if they are worth to be look at.

Here, I am intoxicated! Most women I know find very attractive a man in an elegant suite, with a tie, maybe a nice watch etc. I am weird probably. I still don't know what attracts me or not in a man. Most man do not ring any bell in me, they remain completely indifferent to my senses. However, put the same men in a wet suite and bummmmmmm! they became immediately most of them quite interesting. If they have a nice body, they definitively became attractive. Wet suite on a man is for me the corresponding of a man in an elegant suite and tie for most women. So sexy!
So, being in San Francisco, and living near by Ocean Beach, is like being in a candy store for a kid...so full of interesting things to look at!!!

I don't know what a man in a wet suite represents to me. Thing is, all the important relationships I had so far, have been with men who often wore wet suite. To my defense I have to say that, except in one case, I fall for them even before to see them in a wet suite and in on them the wet suite was an additional good plus! They were all looking very, very sexy in that!

This to say that I enjoyed a lot my walk today.

Tom Cruise is among us

France, evening

Today I met, according to a lot but a lot of people, the most good looking European guy who works in the same field than mine. I heard so much about him, any conference we attended, if he was there, you could hear people talking about him (with comments going from "he is so good looking.." to "is he straight or not?"...)...I always thought that if I didn't notice him before, probably he was not so special looking according to my taste in terms of men.

So, I walked to his office where I had a meeting with this famous good looking guy and a friend of mine. My friend, before to meet this God of beauty, told me "do you know Tom Cruise?" of course I do...."so, XXXX looks like Tom Cruise, but better"....Maybe this is the reason why I never noticed this guy before. Tom Cruise is not either good looking or attractive to me. And then the French beauty appeared. And yes, I have to admit that he did actually looked a bit like Tom Cruise with deep green eyes.....but...............

Come on...two years that I hear people (girls especially) talking about this guy...two years....and that's it???? I mean, he is nice looking, but not something that you would talk about from country to country in Europe among people doing our work.

After this, I had another confirmation (not that I needed one), that when it comes to men, what is attractive or not attractive to me is not something too objectively attractive to other people. So, my friend was surprised that I didn't start to melt as soon as I met this French version of Tom Cruise.

Vampires

France, afternoon

So many thoughts in my mind. I just re-read a wonderful letter that I received for my birthday last year. So many wonderful things were written in there and after not even 6 months, all those things seem to not be true anymore or not matter anymore anyway.

I was reading the book "Cercasi amore disperatamente", which is maybe not the best book to read now. A comic book would have been better. I have been looking for the first book of the Millennium Trilogy, but I didn't find it. Apparently, since the third book just came out (at least in Italy), everyone wanted to read the previous ones.

Anyway, in the book I was reading, there are two pieces that reminded me of myself. One is a point in which the main character says that she feels like she has a hairy black ball in the middle of her stomach. I feel this way too and this is probably why I can't eat anything.
The second is a piece in which the main character describes a certain kind of man, the kind of man I call "vampire". This man sucks your blood till you have it and then leave you there dying, after taking as much as he could from you. There are a lot of variations on this type. Men who make you feel that if something goes wrong, it is always your fault. Men who need to lecture you on how your life could be much better and on how you could improve yourself (my first boyfriend was mastering this feature). Men who would tell you whatever you want to hear just to keep you around. Men who don't want to grow up. And inevitabily all these man typologies are extremely egotistic, taking from you as much as they could or do whatever they can for a goal, leaving you with the doubt after if they never really meant what they were saying before about you, about how wonderful you are. Or if instead they were just looking for someone who could cover them with lot of attentions. And it didn't really matter if it was you or any other person who could have given them the exact same things.

And all what they have been giving you, making you feeling special in their lives, is taken away in a minute, because anyone else could take that special place that apparently was meant to be for you.

This is how I feel right now. Empty.

French men

France, evening

I got to the conclusion that French men are rude. Not all of them probably, but some for sure and more than in any other country where I have been living.
A guy today. Never saw before. He came into my office to repair the shutter of the window. He didn't say good morning. Nothing. He said "it is too hot here". And I answered him that since I spend all day at the computer it is not the same as when you come from outside, like he just did. He repeated "it is too hot here". And I said that the other guy who is in the office and I like it that way. Again "really too hot". That was the conversation for about 5 minutes, when he decided to conclude it saying "pffff, women, you are not going to get to the age of 40 in this way"........
I was shocked...would you say something like this to someone you see for the first time?
And the reason why I wouldn't get to 40?
Because it was too hot in the room. And cold preserves better. This was what he said.

I mean, which kind of education do they teach here????