42nd parallel south

It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I am shaken to the bottom of my soul.

I got this book from my mom as a present, I cannot remember if it was last Christmas or for my birthday last year. In any case, when I got the book is not important. What it is important is that some of its pages touched me so much that I just had tears in my eyes. 

I have always dreamed since years to go traveling and wondering around in Patagonia. Without a schedule. Without a goal. Just to live the place and feel it. I still don't know why Patagonia. It is just that any time I read something about it, I feel like it is my place. Maybe I am becoming too much of an hermit. I don't know. I don't necessarily think so. But I dream of the solitude of walking around in a place like Patagonia. Of being in a place where nothing can be given for granted. I have to admit that I would be too scared to go there and spend months there alone....but I always hope to find the right company to share this dream with.

In any case, I enjoy travel books. Books about places in the world. This is why I probably like so much B. Bryson's book (together with the fact that he is an amazing writer!). But this book, this specific book I am reading is not only about Patagonia and traveling below the 42nd parallel south of the world. It is about encounters with people who love this place. It is about a hard land, a difficult solitary place where people still live in a simple way, without the pressure that we have in this kind of world instead. I just read a chapter of this book about a solitary 95 years old woman living in this solitary place, in her isolated little house, drinking mate. But she is not alone, she has her dog, her sheep, her garden. I was reading about it, but I could imagine the whole place, the old lady, everything like if I was standing in front of the scenario. And the book tells about the appeal of this land to people with a lot of money who cannot appreciate the wind, the steppe, the nothing and want to use this immense space to build something on it, to change it, to destroy what it has been until now, as it happens for many other once uncontaminated places on earth. And reading this and thinking that Patagonia too will face the advancement and progresses of our civilization and most likely lose all what I ideally love about this place, the isolation, the lack of the globalization pressures, the scattered living things surviving there, the natural environments, made me extremely sad.

I love starbucks and I always enjoy getting an ice soy latte when I am in the USA. But I also love the fact that it is a treat for me, that I cannot have it all the time, because here, in most of the places in Europe, we still have little coffee places, which are one of a kind. I am not against globalization, but it shouldn't be so widespread. I like characteristic, traditional things and there are places in the world that shouldn't be bought just because someone has the money, that shouldn't be destroyed in name of making more money and making a world that looks all the same, no matter where we are. I am definitively for diversity.

Please, let Patagonia be and stay as in my dreams!

Walking the streets of Montpellier

I went to see the movie "Midnight in Paris" with some friends last night. They all liked it except me. It was funny, but it was very predictable and I found the story in itself to be very poor. After the movie we went to a pub...like always.
I discovered one thing. For the people of Portugal, it is all about food. Getting together is all plaid around food and eating (I guess in Italy it happens the same....I just don't remember). Here in France, it is all about "prendre un verre", which basically means going out to drink something. I have to work hard to convince people to do something else beside sitting in a cafe' or in a pub to drink something and even when I do convince someone to do something else, the afternoon or the evening program MUST also include "de prendre un verre". Fortunately yesterday we didn't stay at the pub too long. I just get so bored after a while of sitting in a group in a pub drinking and talking. I am more the kind of person who likes to do things instead of just sitting and drinking (also because how many juices and glass of water can I drink in a single evening since I don't drink alcohol???).
In any case, after the pub we went for a long long walk and since I was not alone (I don't like to walk alone at night here, there are too many drunk people around), for once I really enjoyed walking around the streets of Montpellier at night. It was a bit chilli, but overall it was very pleasant. I guess that we walked for about two hours and it was very nice. I am a nocturnal person, definitively, and I love walking around. I think that it is the best way to discover a place. So, even if I live here since almost three years, last night I had the chance to really enjoy this city. I hope to have the chance to walk around at night again in the future. I love it. Plus....I got the chance to see a few geckos on the walls of the old houses here. Nice!

Feeling tall and a new addiction

I just got back from a short trip to Portugal.
I found a country where I feel tall. At least taller than the average.
It must feel weird to look at people from the top.
I have never experienced that before. I am 1.63 m tall....or short...dunno....I consider myself of an average size in Italy, average in France, very small in Holland and Germany, and surprise!!! I am above average in size in Portugal. Not only I realize that I am taller than a lot of women there, but I am also the same size of a lot of men. Isn't that weird? It felt very weird to me.

Anyway, beside this pleasant surprise (pleasant? I guess....at least this is the first word that came to my mind thinking of how I felt when I realized that), and having got a good news while there, I also discovered a new addiction.

The big bang theory show.

I can't stop laughing. It is the best pick up mood I have found in years. It is very hilarious and the dialogs are brilliant. I have to thank the olandesino for this discovery.

Only negative point of this. I can't stop watching it...and so I am getting very little sleep....but it is so funny!

A poetry- Zucchero Chocabeck

My father came to visit me after my surgery.
Unexpectedly, I had a very good time talking to him. I can't allow myself to believe that people may change and that he may have started to care about me. The disappointment if this wouldn't be the case would hurt me too much. I have learned something about him in my life till now. But I have to admit that I was happy to have him here, that he was nice to me, and that he behaved like a "normal" caring father I guess should behave. So, it was nice.

Yesterday, I went out in the car with him and he was playing the new CD of Zucchero, an Italian singer that I really like. I read that this last album of Zucchero was really good and different in comparison to the previous ones. I read that it was a very intimate album.

At the first track of the album, I got goose bumps on my arms. The music was so melodic and the song so intense, that I felt like I was reading a wonderful poetry, and even more. My father this morning, before to leave to come back to Italy, left me the CD, so that I could listen to it all. I am listening to it now. I don't like all the songs in the same way (e.g., I am not crazy about "E' un peccato morir", even if it is more Zucchero old style), but I suggest the CD anyway or at least to get some of the songs, because they are marvelous. I am amazed that Zucchero is not better known outside Italy. He is one the contemporary Italian singers that I like most. Of this album, "Oltre le rive" touches me to the core.

Another important thing. I saw on the CD that Zucchero supports the Associazione Italiana Sclerosi Multipla, another good reason to get this CD: enjoy the good music and also do something good for others (in this case people with sclerosis).

Let me know if you like Chocabeck too.

New - old addiction

I love it, I love it, I love it!

I have a new addiction.....my old addiction was to watch the episodes of the Avatar. Not the movie, the cartoon. It is so good. Good, funny, relaxing, with a good message, nice characters. I heard that the movie based on the cartoon, the last airbender, it is not minimally as good as the cartoon.

I just started to watch it from the beginning again. It is very relaxing. But the new addiction is....I am watching it in Dutch!!! and it is even nicer, because I love to listen speaking Dutch!!! I really wish I would know the language....For now, I just enjoy listening to it and understanding something here and there.

If you have never seen it, watch the episodes of the Avatar.

Au bon roman

I got this book from my mom. I read the theme of the book and it sounded new. It intrigued me.

Even if it quite a thick book, I finished very quickly last night, not being able to put it away. I don't know if it is already available in English or if it will be translate. In any case, if you come across this book, I suggest you to read it. The story is completely new. It is well developed, it is complex, it is well written. The characters are beautiful idealistic people. I got attached to them. I needed to get to the end of the book to know what it would happen to them and to the book store they created.

I have to thank my mom for picking this book out for me!

I also recently read "The handmaid's tail" from Margaret Atwood for the book club that I attend here.

It is the second depressing book I read for the book club :-(

For sure, this book makes you think. But it also made me scared, and feeling in pain while I was reading it. There is this idea of getting through the day in the best possible way, because tomorrow could be better. But for someone who praises freedom as one of the most important values in the world, this story was very, very difficult to digest. I don't want to give away the story, if someone wants to read it, but the idea of a place in which everything would depend on the capacity of giving birth to a healthy child, honestly freaks me out. I think that the power of this book for me is exactly in this contrast: on one side, the book is so well written and developed that I wanted to keep reading and I was kind of glued to it. On the other side, the story was making me depressed and feeling I had to puke.

I should move to Scotland

...This is at least what a colleague of mine, on a work trip with me to Spain, told me. She spent I don't know how many years in Edinburgh and when I told her that my ideal guy is a classical Northern type (meaning tall and with blue eyes) with either blondish (but not too blond) or reddish (but not too red) color of hair, she asked me what am I doing in France.

....Of course, life is not about finding some good looking attractive guy, but I got to the point in which if I am in any Southern European country, I rarely find an attractive man, but as soon as I move North, I can at least see a few of them. She suggested me to get a job either in Holland or in Scotland.......

I just saw a movie with Ewan McGregor. I didn't like the movie, it actually the main character made me angry, but I did enjoy seeing Ewan McGregor in there. I didn't say it. He is Scottish. He does look not masculine enough for me, but still.....

Ok, I am definitively too picky......

and after yesterday.....

...after my down mood yesterday (I guess it has also something to do with the pms), a wake up at 6.30am because I have too many things to do and to think about, a lot of work, getting ready for another trip tomorrow, and visiting a friend, on my way back from her place to my place, I stopped by at the Virgin store to get buy a dvd and when I saw Little miss sunshine, one of my favorite movies, discounted, I had no doubts on what to chose.

I loved this movie the first time I saw it and I loved it even more now. Each one of the characters is great and the actors are wonderful. It is such a nice story. So, I just had a very relaxing evening. I guess I should go to bed right now, as I will have to wake up early for the trip tomorrow (and I may have to drive and I hate driving!).......

Sex and the city 2- after the movie

I finally saw it. Sex and the City 2.

I have to say that watching it in French it is not the best way of seeing it. Carrie has a horrible voice in French. And the dialogues, I am sure about it because I did the comparison between the original and other version of the series, lose some sparkles in the translation.

But I generally liked it.

It may be because I was so prepared to such a bad bad movie after reading all the negative comments on the movie database, that I didn't have high expectations. Of course, they could have dressed Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte a bit more like "normal" people when they were in Abu Dhabi, and there is one day (in the movie is the same day) in which they are in the desert and they change 4 times, always wearing fabulous dresses. It is true, there is not such a big story behind this movie, and true also that Carrie looks quite selfish in this movie (these are some of the comments I read about it). But the point is: 1) Carrie is a selfish character, even in the episodes, so no surprise there. I think that the fans of Sex and the City knows her that way. 2) The dresses were exaggerate for being in Abu Dhabi probably. But I have never been there, so, I don't know. Maybe they were not so out of place, if the state is considered to be the new Dubai. The movie is a lot about the different outfits of each of them. But so it was the previous movie. I guess that it is more and more a characteristic of Sex and the City being something like a fashion show too. I don't find it adding something the movie, and some of the outfits were out of place (e.g. the skirt of Carrie when she meets Aidan at the market downtown), but I guess that it was predictable that clothes would play a bit role in this movie. 3) The story behind this movie is really poor. True, there is not such a big story, but there are a lot of more daily little stories in there. I don't have kids, but I love the scene in which Miranda and Charlotte get together to talk about their frustrations. And I felt close to Carry when she got a bad review for her book (I don't write books, but I have to write a lot of articles for my work and sometimes I get very bad reviews too).

I also read that the movie is kind of racist, especially because of Samantha's behavior, shows that Americans know little about the culture of other places and comments of this kind. Samantha is Samantha. She is very true to her character. And in fact, in a different culture, she gets in trouble for being so liberal. I didn't find it respectfulness. Of course, Samantha was there for work-reasons, but wasn't the goal of the person who invited her there to let her know and appreciate the place so that she could propose it as a fancy-luxury holidays location? She explored the place in her own way. And I don't think that the movie portraits Americans in a bad way.

Conclusion: it is not a great movie, and the series is still better than any of the two movies, but after all I liked it, I spent some 2 nice hours with some girlfriend, we went out after it to talk about it (and of course to talk about other things too), it made me feel very light, it made me feel I wish I could wear some of those dresses and shoes just to try them on (and I am very far from being someone interested in fashion and shoes, but some of the clothes they were are wonderful!), it made me laugh. So, all of these, are very positive things!

And Liza Minnelli is great! Really a plus to this movie! I saw her playing in "Arrested Development" and she has an amazing personality, whatever the role she has to play. Really a top part of this movie.

Let me know if you watched it and what you think about it.

relaxing movie

If you are looking for a funny, relaxing, nice movie, check this French one out:

Bienvenue chez les Ch'tis

Watching it in French is very funny, as the French from the North doesn't sound French at all to me :-)

Never find a man like him

France, night

I hope that none will ever experience meeting and being with a man like Gregory Anton. Who is Gregory Anton? one of the main characters of the movie Gaslight. A character able to play with the mind of Paula, a great frightened Ingrid Bergman.

I have always been very, very afraid of mentally abusive men. I always thought that mentally abusive men are very difficult to spot, especially at first. I fortunately never met someone like the main character of this movie, but I did meet abusive men, two at least. Those kind of men who need to make you feel so little and so wrong in anything you do, that you start to wonder how you could have lived so far doing and thinking so many wrong things. And before you can realize, you think what they think, even better, if they can, when someone ask you something, they will answer for you. When you have a decision to take, they will take it for you. Again, fortunately none of the men who played a role in my life have been so bad as this Gregory, but I do know that there are insecure men out there who would turn to be mentally abusive with someone who would let them doing so because she is in love.

This kind of man scares me a lot, because it makes you feel (or at least it made me feel) that you don't know anymore where it is up and where it is down, what it is right and what it is wrong. And one of the things this kind of man would say often would be that what they say to you or suggest you to do, or push you to do, it is for your own good........................and unfortunately, this kind of man can be pretty convincing, especially if you are close to him.

I had someone in my life, a man, very close to me telling me that I was mad and trying to convince me that I was going out of my mind.
And I had a man in my life, actually my first serious relationship, for whom anything I was doing, saying or thinking was a sign that I was a whore. Both cases affected me a lot. And I can say that in this second case, he brainwashed me so much, or at least he tried so hard, that I was afraid of dancing or talking to any guy or having fun when he was around to avoid him to get angry at me and tell me all those things.

It took me quite long after my first relationship to be able to have any confidence and trust in a man again. Fortunately, from that experience on I only had in my life wonderful men, even if unfortunately things didn't work out anyway. But I keep well in my mind the memory of how I can allow people I love to mentally abuse of me, to avoid that something like that could happen again.

Too much stress or too much relaxation?

Italy, morning

I spent the majority of my time in Italy being sick. A reason could be that a) I don't like to take medications and so when I get sick I just increase the uptake of vitamin C and wait that it goes away, and b) if I don't have high fever, I keep going on with my normal life, which means that I go out and all the rest.

The olandesino has always told me that stress for me does what smoking hundred of cigarettes and drinking a lot of alcohol do to the rest of the world. He basically always complained that my level of stress well compensated for my very healthy life style. Anyway, I am not sure of what it is going on with my immune system, but my thought before the Christmas holidays was to wait for the beginning of my new contract in February, relaxing a bit in Italy.....I managed to not work for a total of three days in about a month, which is already a success for my standards and I also relaxed and had fun with family and friends. However, I can't deny that I have also felt stressed for different reasons, one of which that I felt that I needed to relax much more of how I relaxed (very smart reason to get stressed, I know...). The conclusion of this month of forced-relaxation has been that I got sick with a flu three times. The point is, I almost never get a flu.

I think that till I am totally stressed out, my immune system does not have the time to let me get sick....all my body is working to keep me going....as soon as I relax a little, boooooooooooom.....I get any possible virus or bacteria that is in the air as my body get confused on what it is going on...I am still stressed, but I am trying to relax.....so it is neither one or the other....

End of the story seems to be that from now on, I should just avoid to try to relax even a little....my body is just not used to that :-)

PS. In this month the best part of my relaxing plan has been sleeping a lot....now I am used to sleep at least 9 hours a night.....it will be interesting to see how I will manage to get back to a normal working schedule....

PPS. One of the good things of being sick is that I can stay in bed watching movies. I just saw a movie I loved. Great sound track. Of course, I cried for it. I know how it feels being with someone who apparently can never be sure about you, while you think that he is the person for you.....

King of California

France, night

When I got the movie "sunshine cleaning" the other day (a movie that I liked a lot), the guy at the dvd store suggested me to watch "King of California". I was not too convinced, but then tonight I felt for a movie and I thought, why not?

This movie is more than nice. It is sweet and warm, without being too much in any sense. It is not just a comedy. It is a movie that touched me. It is about dreaming, even when it seems silly. It is about believing in someone and something. It is not a pretentious movie, with unbelievable characters. Yes, the characters are weird, but along the movie you get the chance to became affectionate to them. It is a movie that made me feel wanting to hug Michael Douglas at the end. And he is great in his acting here!!!!

I love the parallel of how the places and people look like in the historical diary and in current times in the movie...

I don't think that everyone would like it. It is not a typical comedy, it is not a fast catchy movie where a lot happens. I wouldn't suggest it to anyone in my family for example. But I really got attached to the characters (I know, it sounds weird).....

Whatever works

France, evening

I finally saw the latest Woody Allen movie, after I heard so much about it. People have been telling me that this is the best movie Woody Allen made, that it is so funny, that it is absolutely a movie to watch.

I just finished to watch it and I feel I should watch it again. It goes on very fast and you get to the end, or at least I got to the end, and I felt like "bah, ok, dunno". Did I like it? I don't know.

For sure it reminds me a lot of my interaction with a person closed to me. Me, like the young girl in this movie, very colorful, always wearing improbable things, feeling sunny; him, afraid of germs, diseases, what it could happen, a lot of deeps thoughts. Two quite opposite views that attract each others. Like in this movie. I agree with the way of thinking the main character expresses at the beginning when he talks to his wife: "we match so well, that rationally is perfect".

Apparently as this movie shows, rationality when it comes to love and relationships is not all. But, whatever works.....isn't the general philosophy of this movie a selfish way to look at things? yes, great in this movie at the end everyone is happy....but when does this happen in the real world? who would say after breaking up with someone, ok, we have been very happy till worked and now it is right that we follow whatever works for each of us? In this movie, it looks a lot like: it worked until it did and then he didn't work anymore, because it didn't mean to be anymore. As the main character says: love is not forever. Love it is not what moves things, except in a few cases.

I think that I am still a romantic girl in that sense.

But at the end......it is true....sometimes we break our heads over things and we don't realize that we just have one life and it is just up to us to make ourselves happy.

So, as Boris says at the end of the movie: That's why I can't say enough times, whatever love you can get and give, whatever happiness you can filch or provide, every temporary measure of grace, whatever works.

I found the movie funny and sad at the same time (in a classical Woody Allen style).

Old movies

France, evening

I got addicted to old movies. Scott tried to convince me why old movies are so good and why he likes them so much in any possible way. Maybe because I felt pushed by him and I normally do the opposite thing when I feel pushed, I never appreciated old movies so much when I watched them with him.
Now that I can chose on my own which movie to watch and when, I am exploring as much as I can this new world. And I love it!
I remember when my grandmother was telling me that Tom Cruise was not such a good actor, as Cary Grant or Gregory Peck etc. And I was looking at her thinking "what are you talking about". Now, I can see her point! These movies don't have big Hollywood effects, but the stories are good, the actors are great and they also have the right rhythm to capture me. Of course, I don't like all old movies. As I don't like all current movies. But I like to seat on my couch and forget about the rest of the world to just enjoy my movies!!!

In the last days I saw a few Hitchcock movies. So good. The one that I saw tonight has H. Fonda in it. He acts so well. And of course, some of these actors are so good looking too that as MissB pointed out to me in her comment to one of my past blog entries, it would be nice to have more Gregory Pecks around right now :-). And the thing is, the more old movies I watch, the more I want to watch. My grandmother and I just talked for half an hours this afternoon about her favorite actors of her time, the movies she likes etc.

I have to recognize that I should thank Scott for starting me on this, which is becoming more and more a very enjoyable hobby!

And the thing that amazes me most when I think about is that not too long ago the movies were still in black and white. The movie I saw tonight was made in the 1956. About 50 years ago only and it was in black and white. Since then, we had movies in colors and movies with incredible effects. In less than 50 years. Isn't that amazing and very impressive?

I am very impressed!!!

men of other times

France, night

I just finished to watch the movie "To kill a mockingbird". Not only I loved the book, but I loved the movie in the same way. Some old movies are so good, that they are just not comparable with any recent Hollywood movies....

and let's say the truth....where did men like Gregory Peck and Humphrey Bogart disappeared? There is no Brad Pitt or George Clooney that could stand the comparison.....Gregory Peck and Humphrey Bogart were gentlemen with a lot of charm.

I am planning to watch many more movies with these two actors...

slowing down

France, afternoon

I don't think I got the job in Germany.

I am a workaholic lately. I am consuming myself working all the time, till my eyes are burning, till I don't even have the smallest energy left to think. I have these phases sometimes, when I don't want to deal with things that are not going the way I want or when thinking would only make me worried.

Since the beginning of August, I already wrote two diaries...if I would use better my imagination and my need and desire of writing, I could do something a bit more productive than just writing diaries. But I guess the good thing about writing diaries is that they are just for me. I write for myself. Like a therapy. And I have to say that it works.

I have been feeling very lonely lately. But I am also avoiding to see people or do random things with someone else. I am trying to do only the things I really want to do and if I have to do them alone, it is fine. But, I am feeling lonely and I guess I need it now. It is not necessarily pleasant. But it is necessary, I feel. I am living a bit in a limbo lately. And it is ok. Not good, not bad, just ok. Just how it should be now, probably.

Do you ever have this feeling of being suspended? of walking in the air? of being out of time and space? This is how I feel lately. Of course, conciliating this with a working life that requires to show up at a certain precise time for a meeting, it is not always easy. But fortunately in my work I am pretty much my own boss.

Week ends are anyway mine! They are just mine. My time, my space, my needs. It is all about me and fortunately, it can be, since I have none else next to me to have to take into account. So, today I just walked around, with my head totally up in the air. I sat for a juice at the English book store and wrote a bit. I finished a book and enjoyed it and took the time to let the story sinking in me. I wrote a bit more. I ate of course, a couple of times already. I let my thoughts go. I let myself feeling down and sad and hurt, without needing to push these feelings away, because I have to smile, because I have to interact. And I found a melancholic music that goes with my current mood. I wanted to download the album, but first, I wanted to listen to it a couple of times. And here I am. I think I like it. Not danceable, very melancholic. To listen to it, I guess.

mentally somewhere else

Italy, night

After days spent swimming, working, reading a lot of books (I love the books of Carofiglio, I hope he will write more of them), listening to concerts, re-thinking about my life, having to live with a lot of mood swings, tonight I decided to write a short post, just in the case that someone who follows my blog starts to wonder if I am still alive.

Yes, I am still alive. I am not mentally in a blogging mood. I am more in a writing "old fashion diary" mood, but I don't have too much time for that either.

Just briefly:

I saw the last Harry Potter movie. I was a bit disappointed by it.
I listened to a concert of Moby. I loved it and danced a lot. I didn't see the concert, as I didn't want to buy the ticket, but I listened to it very well just standing outside the area limited to the concert. I enjoyed a lot.
I went to the concert of the Buena Vista Social Club last night. Great atmosphere. It was in my favorite square in Lucca, Piazza dell'Anfiteatro. The ticket was extremely cheap (only 10 euros), the music was great, I danced a lot and I enjoyed any minute of it.

I will soon have to come back to France and even if I love living there, here I feel home and I will miss it.
I will have a job interview for a possibly permanent job in August. My life is so upside down right now that even if I strongly hope that they will offer me the job, so that I can decide about it, I also feel that I should take the break that I keep postponing from the beginning of this year and for which it is never the good moment.

What else? ah, yes, I think too much...sometimes I wish I could just live without thinking so much....

Happy ending

France, night

Just a brief post before to go to bed. I am too busy with work lately, and unfortunately I don't have any time to blog or do things I like.
Anyway. I just saw this movie, the visitor, and I loved it. It is very touching. I know that an happy ending, where everything goes well and everyone is happy would have made the movie "too soft" and that in some way the movie doesn't end in a bad way and it is more realistic like that....but I still wish it would have had an happy ending.

It is a very nice movie about how it is never too late to start to live again.

something I am good at

France, night

If there is something I am very very good at is to pick the wrong movie and have a lot of expectation for it.
Tonight I got the movie "Two lovers". And I had even higher expectations after the guy working at the video store told me: "you will love this, it is a romantic comedy"................

Now, either we have a different concept of what it is romantic and what it is a romantic comedy or he had not clue what the movie is about or the movie has a romantic hint that I was not able to catch. Anyway, the movie put me in a bad bad mood.

The main actors have such a bad roles. And also, is it to be considered romantic a guy who proposes to a person who is crazy about him, just because he got refused by the person he actually really loves? is it romantic that he renounced to his dreams? is it romantic that he may one day maybe learn to love the person to whom he proposed to? is it romantic the fact that he would have left her without a single word to run to the other side of the country with someone else?

I found the movie very very depressing. And unfortunately, also realistic about the human nature and how people have fear of remaining alone and how often after being refused, someone who just wants you seems to be what you need and the best solution to avoid to completely fall apart.

Fortunately, I have some good books here to read before to go to bed (I am planning to re-read the Harry Potter books before the new movie comes out!). I hope that my mood will improve. My first thought of course was: gosh, imagine if a guy like that would happen to me. I could live in the illusion that he loves me, while instead I am just his second choice. So depressing. But it does happens. I know people who got married in this way. The person they loved didn't want them and after waiting at the end they married someone else for whom they were not in love, but who made them feeling wanted and loved.

I wish I will never find myself in either of the two places, not as the one who is the second choice, not as the one who will decide that someone for whom I am not that in love with, but makes me feel desired and loved is better than nothing.

I am an hopeless romantic!